Filling the Void – Tag Team of Jordan Phoenix & Blindknyttstories
by JordanPhoenix
Summary: Hobo Nick struggles with kicking his "grape juice" habit, dealing with single fatherhood, and trying to find Trucy the Mommy she's always wanted! But it's easier SAID than DONE, as there's a LONG list of some SERIOUSLY CRAZY ladies in the AA universe! HOW can bluffing as a pianist/poker shark STILL be simpler than finding true love? Will he EVER be able to fill void in his heart?
1. Intimate Strangers

_**The following is a collaboration between JordanPhoenix and**_ _**Blindknyttstories**_

 _ **JP –**_ _In lieu of my usual romantic fluff, I just felt like playing around with the concept of what could have happened if sexy Beanie Feenie's glass bottles of grape juice contained something SLIGHTLY stronger? It's an edgy comedy with very little romance where everything goes wrong for the main character! XD_

 _It's a story of pure AA style silliness, sometimes a bit dark in humor, which hopefully can tickle a few funny bones along the way…I mean, look who my co-pilot is - He of Phoenix Gender-Switching fame on FF! :p_

 _ **Blindknyttstories**_ _-I hope you guys enjoy this...(Currently being forced to write, SOS)_

 **Disclaimer: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney is property of Capcom, I am not the owner of Phoenix Wright or its characters, and otherwise I would have made Phoenix unleash his sexy beast ages ago!**

* * *

 **Chapter One:** **Intimate Strangers**

 _Ivy University Grounds –_ August 27, 2013

"Where are we going?" Phoenix Wright asked in confusion as his beautiful new soul mate, whom he'd just fallen madly in love with at first sight in the University Library, earlier that afternoon, tugged him by the hand and led him into the dense woods which were behind the school.

" _Shhh_." Dahlia Hawthorne placed a finger to her rosebud lips and batted her long-lashed doe eyes at him, still keeping his hand in hers in a surprisingly vice grip. "I want to find us a quiet place where we can be _alone_ , Feenie."

" _Feenie_ huh? I think I like you calling me that. I'm going to call you _Dollie_ then!"

"We should be far enough now…" she stopped abruptly and dropped her parasol. Then, with an impulsive swiftness and fervency that belied her demure disposition, she lunged at him, crushing her soft lips against his in a searing kiss that knocked the breath out of his lungs.

Phoenix hadn't _ever_ been kissed like this before. Dahlia's expert lips were hot and demanding, and her tongue was forceful and commanding as it twined with his, fueling passions within him he hadn't even known existed till then.

Up until then, he'd only shared a few chaste kisses – the _rare_ French variety among them – with girls during spin the bottle games when he'd been in high school…but _never_ _like this!_

At 21-years-old, the shy, awkward, gawky Phoenix Wright was still a virgin.

Well, not on _purpose_! He'd had sex plenty of times…technically…just never with an actual _partner_.

Well, not unless you counted _Thumbelina and her Four Sisters_ …

However, his primal instincts told him that was about to change _really_ fast.

That had been no ordinary kiss.

Dahlia's lusty eyes met his, silently asking him the question her moistened, parted lips still hadn't uttered.

Suddenly those same lips were against his ear, kissing, as she whispered, "Do you love me, _Feenie_?"

He blushed but smiled, extending his arms out to embrace her. She wrapped her arms around his back. Trust. Surrender. Yes, he could give her that.

"Yes, Dollie. I trust you. And I love you. I've loved you since the moment I first laid eyes on you!"

Sure that had only been half an hour ago. But when you met The One, you just _knew_ , right?

A deep kiss was his reward, and a little shock of pain when she nipped his bottom lip.

She looked as pleased as the cat who'd swallowed the canary with his answer. One finger delicately outlined, then ran over the front of his jeans. "And you want to be with me," she commanded, rather than asked.

" _Yes_." He answered the command anyway, reveling in the pleasure of her skilled touch on that part on his anatomy that so far, nobody else had ever become familiar with. "Do _you_ love _me_ , Dollie?"

She smiled and deftly unzipped his fly while she continued to touch him now over his underwear, letting him fill her entire palm. "Feenie," she breathed, her voice heavy with need. "No more questions. Just…touch me. Please."

He ran his clumsy hands over her bare shoulders, trailing them downward slowly, nervously, over her delicate throat and collarbone. He placed slow, gentle kisses from her chin, down her neck, stopping in the front of her throat to nibble gently, slowly working his way downward, until she impatiently took one of his hands and placed it against her chest, pressing into his hand, while with her other, she continued her delightful handiwork, dimly impressed that he managed to grow even harder still.

She tilted her head up to regard him. "Just one more question."

Closing his eyes, he tried to think clearly as she drew circles lazily with a finger over his manhood, driving him to near madness. Teasingly. Tantalizingly. Relentlessly.

Dahlia smiled smugly to herself. The fool looked like he was in _complete_ submission already, and they were still _only_ in the junior high level, above-the-clothes groping stage!

It was so easy, it was pathetic. God, she wanted to kill him. Well, first screw him, then kill him.

But first things first.

"Are you willing to _show_ not just tell me?" She finally asked, her voice dripping with a buttery seduction even freakin' Mother Theresa couldn't resist. " _Prove_ to me how much I mean to you?"

"Yes. I'd do _whatever_ it takes," he answered breathlessly. "Tell me what I've got to do to please you. Dollie, anything you say, I'll do…"

A sinful smile broke across her face. "That's my boy."

 _Wait, what did I just agree to?_

She increased the pressure of her touch, and suddenly the full meaning of it all hit him then and at that moment and his eyes widened. "You mean…show you…in _that_ way? Right here? Right _now_?"

"Just…please." She bucked her hips against his, as if yearning for contact.

"OK," he gasped as she continued to grind against him. "But wait, about this necklace…?"

Before he could ask for some clarification about that last pesky little question, she took both his hands and placed them on her milky white mounds, pulling down the front of her dress so he could see and touch them all their glory, and all words died in his throat.

He'd been determined to appear all worldly and experienced, even feign some sort of cool detachment, as if he'd been in carnal situations like this _dozens_ of times before.

But all that faded away the moment he touched her skin.

Then something not only stirred in him, but it took over his thinking. The rest of his world became an unimportant blur that was banished into the far recesses of his mind. The only thing that mattered was touching her more, kissing her mouth, her stomach, her breasts. He tried to be gentle with her clothing, not to rip the lace, but it was hard. His nervous, blundering hands were used to handling charcoal pencils and paint brushes, rather than tiny clasps. But then instinct somehow took over.

"Oh Dollie," he said with sly grin. "You've made things _very_ easy with these skirts."

Her dress went up and her hose went down. She grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him back up her body. He smiled at her attempt to take control, allowing her to pull off his shirt then helped her shuck his pants as well, until they were both standing completely bare to one another.

He gazed at her perfect nude body in awe.

"You're beautiful," he whispered dazedly, as though hypnotized.

She backed up against a tree, then crooked her finger at him, asking him to join her. He lifted her effortlessly into his arms, bracing her against the trunk and joined them together, filling her so suddenly she cried out in shock as he surprised her with long, slow strokes. She wrapped her legs around his waist, urging him deeper. His love-struck gaze was fixed on hers. She wanted to shield herself from the intensity but couldn't seem to pull away. His hands roamed, over her back and bottom. He was everywhere.

Phoenix's body tingled with excitement. He was flying, spinning, unsure of where she started and he ended. Waves of pleasure rolled over him. Her fingers dug into his shoulders, holding her down when gravity ceased to exist.

Her free hand grabbed onto his head, threading through his hair, holding him tight while she moaned and writhed against him.

She gasped for air as the tremors came over her body. She was vaguely aware of his voice, whispering words of love. When she came back down to earth, she clung to him, kissing his face and neck. She pulled back and gave him a sultry glare, her eyes half-hooded, a satisfied smile on her lips.

"I want you to keep that necklace as a token of our love," she purred, running her long nails up and down his back. "So you have something to _always_ remember this moment with."

"I promise, Dollie," he swore, his eyes bright with love. "I love you. This meeting was fate."

"Yes," she whispered, burying her head against his neck so he wouldn't see her knowing smirk. " _Fate_."

* * *

 _(Former) Wright and Co. Law Offices -_ April 30, 2019

Phoenix Wright lay there on his sofa in the apartment which used to be his law office, an empty bottle of wine dangling from his fingertips. Lifting his head, he raised the bottle to his lips and let the last few drops of the blood-colored liquid trickle down his throat, before letting it fall aimlessly to the ground, where it joined the half dozen other empties scattered haphazardly around what used to be his living room.

He'd never felt more desolate or alone in his life.

His friends were as vapid as the winter snow was cold. Their love extended only as far as a social media posts, stopping abruptly at the pixelated screen. Their smiles were little yellow faces that stopped coming when his world had fallen apart nearly two weeks ago. From their posts, their lives were one constant party, wine and meals in fancy establishments. Every post fed his loneliness, hacked at the tenuous emotional connections he nursed. He used to only feel the cruel bite of isolation in crowds, but now it followed him home, an ever present reminder that he was a failure on every front.

He felt dead inside. Numb. Lost. Angry. Bitter. Afraid. But above all, lonely.

 _Loneliness sounds like such an easy thing to fix: find a friend, reach out to someone who cares. Every time I try they recoil, unwilling to offer an olive branch of hope to the social leper, the disgraced, forging attorney. And so my anxiety deepens. There are nights it takes a hold of me. All I can do in those long black hours is find an enclosed place to shake until the tears subside and I can focus on the dawn light, breathe, and drink water. It isn't simply a lack of company, though that's part of it for sure, it's a black hole that grows more powerful with every social snub. It threatens to swallow every part of me, bad and good, until all that's left is a human shaped shell too numb to feel the pain anymore._

He'd gone through several depths of hell in his 27 years. Endured and survived the most super heroics of pain and obstacles. Fire extinguishers to the head. _Boot to the head_. Falling off 40-foot high burning bridges. Ingesting poison. All that had been a cakewalk in comparison to this… _wretched_ emptiness inside of him.

No job. No friends. No money.

He not only had no direction anymore, he had no _mission_. He entirely lacked purpose now. He had nothing left to look forward to.

Save for that all-too familiar, cripplingly, achingly _lonesomeness …_

If there had been a special someone in his life, it undoubtedly would have helped fill that hallow emptiness in his heart.

He laughed mirthlessly at the notion.

 _Special Someone. Who am I am, Pearls? The ladies aren't exactly lining up at the door of a disbarred former defense lawyer who doesn't even know where his next paycheck is coming from. The last time I was in a relationship with anyone was six years ago, with that duplicitous, deceptive, Iris. But of course, before Iris, there was her demonic doppelganger, Dahlia. That fucking crazy-ass bitch!_

Dahlia Hawthorne. Beautiful. Irresistible. Deadly. She'd known him back when he'd been an unassuming, trusting, naïve, 21-year-old art student who'd worn his heart on his sleeve, instead of the cynical, jaded, _hardhearted_ man he was now.

He wondered what she would think of his transformation now, from innocent, pink-sweater wearing cry-baby into a weathered, beaten, nearly unrecognizable hobo.

Probably laugh.

He sometimes still thought he could hear her chilling, soulless laughter at times, even from beyond the grave.

Nevertheless, that beautiful black widow had turned him into a man. Just an hour after meeting her. That had been how long it had taken for him to succumb to her wiles.

 _What a slut._

He wasn't sure if that a more aptly suited description for _her_ …or _himself_.

Nevertheless, he could vouch that said crazy bitch had been even _crazier_ in the sack, from just that _one_ time they'd been together.

Not that he liked to think about it. It wasn't as though he'd _planned_ on being a switch hitter between two siblings.

Yet that was exactly what had happened.

The venomous flower had deflowered him. Then, not knowing the difference, a few months later, he in turn had deflorated her innocent, untouched, identical twin sister, having had no inkling that it wasn't the same Dollie all along.

Phoenix pondered the notion that he indeed could have gotten the last laugh in the end, had he managed to let his homicidal maniac of an ex know that since he'd felt so blessedly fortunate a beautiful, perfect, _angel_ had fallen for a bumbling, dorky virgin like _him_ , that she hadn't needed to go _slumming_ and offer her alleged chaste, "pure" body to him in exchange for any guaranteed favors.

His dumb, lame, love-struck ass would have agreed to _anything_ she'd wanted, _regardless_!

Dahlia hadn't wanted to take chances apparently. After all, she'd had to ensure he'd take that fated necklace off her hands _somehow_ ….

He'd been _such_ a complete and utter patsy! _And_ a sniveling, _pussy_ - _whipped_ idiot, to boot! To think he'd shed public tears, nearly been incarnated, and swallowed _poison_ for that vile, evil, soulless _monster_!

Good _God_. Was it any _wonder_ he still had trust issues with women?

* * *

 _Gatewater Hotel_ \- June 28, 2023

The darkness swirled around his curled form on the hotel bed, tendrils of inkling bleak reminders of his solitude. The silence echoing in his ears was the constant white noise that never shut up. His head swam in the fire burning inside, the only smoldering embers of a time where there had been other presences with him, around him, in him. But now, the void had been slowly filled with a cold, howling storm of fear that refused to ever let up. He was completely and utterly alone in his mind, body, soul, and most of all, entirely alone in the world.

How was it possible to feel still this way, while laying on that luxury hotel mattress, with a sated, lush, warm feminine body next to him?

The events leading up to this moment had hardly been unpleasant…

 _Two hours earlier…_

 _Mmmm_. He was doing something delicious to her mouth. His kiss was demanding. He rocked his body against hers, his tongue reaching into her mouth like he just couldn't get close enough to her. When he stopped it left her panting and gasping for air.

The corner of his mouth curled then he yanked up her shirt and clawed her bra in half. In a flash, he hiked up her skirt around her waist, her underwear was gone and he swiftly took her. She hadn't even heard him unzip his pants. All it took was one fierce drive and she was over the edge. A few minutes later, she landed back on earth.

"You like that, don't you?" he whispered and bit her earlobe sharply.

She yelped, working up to sweet release. With one big hand placed on the small of her back, pinning her in place, he rocked his hips. Her body jerked back and forth with the strength of his movement. The bed banged against the wall and with every sharp plunge their skin slapped together.

It was raw, animal-like and unchained, better than she'd expected.

Her moans and cries grew louder. She couldn't contain it anymore, she was going to explode. But he flipped her over seamlessly and continued working her with enough force to make her teeth clatter. This was no gentle coupling. This was wild, unhinged _abandon_.

 _God_ , she _loved_ it!

Stars studded her vision as she cried out for him.

"Oh _,_ Phoenix!"

"Oh... _baby_! You're so _hot_!"

"I want to hear you scream my name!"

She looked at him then, amber eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"Say my _name_ , Phoenix!"

" _Ngh_!" What _was_ her name? _Destiny_? _Charity_? He couldn't remember now, it'd been at _least_ two hours and _four_ bottles of wine ago!

 _Somehow I don't think screaming out '_ _ **Oh…you**_ _!' is going to win me any points here…dammit!_

"Can't think right now…you're so good… _baby_!"

"Oh _Christ_ , I'm almost there!"

 _My Lord, is she ever_ _ **loud**_ _…I hope the neighbors have earplugs…_

"Me too!" He gasped, squeezing his eyes shut as rapture overcame him.

There was a short, euphoric explosion behind his eyelids before he collapsed on top of her. Then everything faded to black as he passed out, mercifully managing to avoid any further confrontations from this woman with whom he had shared a night of passionate intimacy with.

One whose name he couldn't have recalled if his life had depended on it.

* * *

 _A few hours later…_

Phoenix rolled over, blinked, and saw the red digital numbers on the clock next to him read 4:00.

He'd only been asleep for two hours.

He could have spent the night. There was nothing for him to go home to. His 12-year-old daughter, the one light in his otherwise bleak existence, wouldn't be there. She was away at magic camp. She'd won the two-month stay from her school, as her magician's act had landed her first place in the talent show.

Therefore, if he'd wanted to, he could fall back into restful slumber, in the manner of the happily purring, satisfied woman next to him.

He looked at the long ebony tresses fanning out on the pillow around her, feeling grateful for the short-term bliss they'd shared that evening.

But, like all the others before her, she'd only been a temporarily distraction, who'd only been able to warm his bed, but not his heart.

None of them ever did.

While he'd even felt momentary affection for the stunning flight attendant he'd met earlier that evening at the bar, it wasn't enough to make him want to stay and endure the awkward morning after with this complete stranger.

He had to get out of there.

Stealthily he crept out of bed and reached on the ground for his pants. Years of experience in similar situations had given him the ability to slip away as silently as a ninja at moments like these. It was all for the best. She was only in town on a layover for the night, and he knew he'd never see her again.

He heard her voice just as he reached for the doorknob, even though her back was turned.

"I know you forgot my name," she murmured drowsily. "But for the record, _stud_ , it's Rhoda Teneiro. Thank you for flying with IFly Airlines. We hope you enjoyed the service."

A slight smile tugged at his lips. This one seemed to have a sense of humor. And she knew the game – there was no indignant cries or pleas to stay, or even an effort to raise her delectable body up from the mattress. She knew the score. He respected that, and was thankful to her for it.

"Goodnight, Phoenix."

"I shan't be able to get enough of the friendly skies," he chuckled in response, before quietly exiting the room. He swallowed against the unexpected lump in his throat. "Goodbye, Rhoda."


	2. Temperatures Rising

_**Blindknyttstories**_ _\- So_ _ **JordanPhoenix**_ _threatened- I mean_ _ **asked**_ _me to make this as funny as I can, so I'm going to have fun with this…Meaning don't expect the expected, I plan on making Phoenix suffer…:) Anyway I hope you enjoy (Still being held hostage and being forced to write, requesting water.)_

 _ **JP**_ _\- Well I've_ _ **gotta**_ _crack my whip to keep him in line! (Oops, wrong chapter!)My co-pilot is now aptly hydrated and we're both already planning the next Phoenix torture…btw, speaking of aquatic stuff… all I can think of personal floatation devices…we really hope you guys have as much fun with this silliness as much as we did! :p_

* * *

 **Chapter Two: Temperatures Rising**

 _Gatewater Hotel -_ June 28, 2023

Phoenix groggily stumbled down the stairs of the hotel. After spending the night there and ' _taking flight'_ per se, he was eager to get home and sleep in the comfort of his own bed. He could feel the makings of a hangover already forming from him and Rhoda's copious wine consumption earlier. Hell, just because he got to drink for free at The Borscht Bowl (which was great when you were a struggling single father with a recently developed penchant for something stiffer than grape juice!) it didn't mean the stuff reserved for the _lowly employees_ still wasn't the _cheapest crap on earth_!

As he quickly pushed through the crowds – _how_ was it still so rammed at 4:00 in the morning?! – Something still caught his (disbelieving, bleary) eye.

In the main lobby, running the refreshment stand, was none other than Lordly Tailor manager, Adrian Andrews.

Phoenix stopped in place as he looked at her. She'd changed since he last seen her; she had grown slimmer around the waist, she no longer wore glasses, and he could have sworn her chest was now a lot _bigger_!

He mentally cursed as he made his way over; he desperately needed something non-alcoholic to hydrate himself and hopefully alleviate his cloudy, buzzing head, and as he approached the stand, he noticed there was a _mile-long lineup._ The line consisted of mostly men, something that didn't surprise Phoenix.

As he stood there in line, he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to see who it was – and instantly regretted it.

"Hiya, Nick!" Standing right behind him was none other than Larry Butz, with his stupid smile and regular street clothes.

"Oh…Hey, Larry…"

"Like it's so awesome to see you here Nick! You're _exactly_ the guy I need to talk to!"

"You…don't say…"

"Yep, and the reason is because of _Mindy_! She _dumped_ me Nick! After she did, I thought my life was _over_ man!"

"I…see…"

 _Same old Larry unfortunately._

"But then I had a realization! I have decided to _completely ditch women_! They were

getting me _nowhere_! Because of that, I am now going to go _strictly_ after _guys_!"

"That's nice…Wait… _What_!?"

 _How does someone just randomly decide something like this?!_

"Yep! Nick, I have decided to date guys now! At least then I have less of a chance of having my heart broken!"

"Uh…"

 _OK…Uncomfortable levels rising…_

"And the reason you're the perfect guy to talk to is because I noticed other than Maya, I've never seen you with any other woman, and you have never been with a woman!"

 _Er, Maya and I never_ ** _dated_** _…and also, he seems to have_ ** _conveniently_** _forgotten about_ ** _Iris_** _…_ _Although I suppose exes who are now_ ** _nuns_** _don't count in Buttzville…_

Oblivious to his friend's discomfited silent, Larry merrily prattled on.

" _Sooo_ …seeing as you're how not with any girls right now… How about _you_ give _me_ a chance, dude?"

Phoenix just stared at Larry with wide eyes and a horrified expression on his face.

 _Ok, uncomfortable levels rising even more!_

"Well…The problem Larry is… um… _I'm_ not _gay_!"

"Oh don't worry, dude, you don't have to hide it! The faster you admit it, the faster me and you can cuddle next to the fire at night, and watch every episode of the _Steel Samurai_ together while I stoke your spiky head!" Larry tried (and failed) to make his voice sound seductive as he inched closer to the mortified former defense attorney, running his hand across Phoenix's shoulder.

 _OK the uncomfortable meter has_ ** _officially_** _broken!_

"Uh….Larry um…"

" _Shhh_ …." Larry placed his finger over Phoenix's lips as he closed his eyes, puckered his lips, moved in for the kill.

Phoenix thought the world was ending at this point as he saw a few people were staring at them now. Panicked, he quickly turned and ran around the line of people at the refreshment station and into the restroom.

The pianist swiftly ran into a stall, jumped up on the toilet and locked the door. He sat there in anxious silence, and pleaded with whatever God was listening that Larry would not walk in and wondered when it would be safe to come out.

Just then, he heard the door open, and his pulse sped up.

He peeked through the crack in the stall, and was extremely startled to see a woman a walk in. He assumed she had just walked into the wrong bathroom, but then another woman walked in…and then another…and then another…

It was at this point that the ex defense attorney realized the grim truth; in his horrified, flustered attempts to flee from the Butz's advances, he had somehow managed to run into the _women's_ restroom!

Phoenix prayed the women would quickly leave, but to his dismay, they all stayed and started talking to each other. He could feel the sweat on his forehead as he stayed in the stall. Another woman walked in and to his dismay, she attempted to open the stall he was in.

"Huh..? Why is this stall locked?"

"What do you mean, it's locked?"

"Like, oh my gosh, it's _locked_ and there is no one even in there!"

"Like, really? Who would be so immature to lock the stall and then leave it?"

Phoenix kept praying that none of the women would do anything about it. Many of them kept trying to fiddle with the door, but eventually quit when they couldn't pry it open. Eventually after about _thirty minutes_ of torture, all the women in the washroom eventually left, letting Phoenix heave a huge sigh of relief.

As Phoenix was about to step down, he heard the door open again. He swore to himself and mentally cursed the damn place as he jumped back onto the toilet. He expected the woman to use the facilities and leave, but to his alarmed terror, she attempted to open his stall! Phoenix could feel his heart almost literally stand still as he heard keys, then saw the lock on the door start to turn.

The door flung wide open, which earned both a scream from the woman who opened it, as well as a look of horror and agony on Phoenix's face.

"Mr.…Mr. Wright! What…What the _hell_ are you doing?" Standing at the door was none other than Adrian Andrews, with a look of shock, anger, and revulsion all rolled up on her pretty face.

"Oh um…Hello Ms. Andrews…"

"Why the _hell_ are you in the ladies bathroom, hiding in a stall? I mean, I know men are attracted to the female body, but what kind of _sick bastard_ such as yourself _hides out in the ladies_ _bathroom_!?"

"Wait Ms. Andrews! I have a good reason for being in here!"

"A good reason? What is it? Your internet is out, so you couldn't watch your _usual_ videos?"

"No, it's nothing like that! Please let me explain!"

Phoenix relayed the situation to Adrian, about Larry trying to seduce him and him accidentally running into the ladies room in attempts to escape. Adrian's expression soon melted from a look of annoyed disappointment to amusement when Phoenix finally finished.

"So…is that the whole truth?"

"Yes…The _absolute_ truth…"

"Humph…I believe you, I _suppose_ you're not the kind of person to do that sort of thing…" Adrian sighed and closed her eyes, awaiting an answer, but opened them when Phoenix stayed silent. Looking at him, she realized the reason he had stayed quiet was because he was _staring at her breasts_! She crossed her arms as her brown eyes shot daggers at Phoenix.

"Then again, maybe you _are_ lying, if you're going to ogle at my chest like some kind of lecherous pervert!"

"Huh…? Oh, no! It's just that…I don't remember your chest being _that_ big before…."

Before Phoenix knew it, he felt a hand slap him across the face, causing him to fall backwards and right into the toilet water.

"And what kind of comment is _that_?" Adrian demanded.

"I'm sorry, it's just the honest truth!" He pushed himself out of the toilet and could feel the back of his pants were soaked with toilet water, earning a groan from the man. The icy effect of the cold water on his rear did have a slightly sobering effect; he could only blame his semi-hungover state for his ridiculous slip of the tongue.

"Well you could have kept the honest truth to yourself thank you! But yes, I had breast implants a few months ago…"

"I see…" Phoenix walked over and grabbed a few paper towels trying to wipe the water off of the backside of his pants. Adrian let out a long sigh as she strolled over and grabbed his hand.

"Mr. Wright…I have a dryer in my room…We can dry your pants in there if you like."

"Huh…? Oh um yes…thank you…" Phoenix and Adrian exited the ladies room (earning a few _looks_ from the other lobby patrons) and made their way up to her room.

* * *

 _Gatewater Hotel- Adrian's Room -_ June 28, 2023

Phoenix and Adrian arrived in her room. He couldn't help but notice that the place was much nicer compared to other rooms, even Rhoda's – which was saying a lot, considering the hotel's high quality of standard.

He was still admiring the place when Adrian spoke up.

"Alright, give me your pants."

"Huh…? Oh um, don't you have any spare for me to wear since…?"

"Mr. Wright, do you seriously think I have never seen a man in his underpants? Especially with _these_ babies?" She smirked and gestured to her ample bosom.

"Uh…Good point." Phoenix slid his pants off and handed them to Adrian, who took them and placed them in her dryer. "So…I didn't know you stayed at Gatewater."

"Well, my house is being rebuilt because of a fire, so the Gatewater Hotel offered me a free room. The only catch is, I work for free as their refreshment woman."

"I see. Do you still work at Lordly Tailors?"

"Yeah, I work there on the weekends, which is when I'm off from here." She gave his boxer-clad body a can't-miss appraising once-over. "While you wait for your pants, you can enjoy the hot tub. It's right outside of the porch there. You'll find some swim trunks in the drawer right beside the door."

"Um…thank you." Phoenix strolled over to the drawer and pulled out the water short. He quickly swapped them with his underwear and exited outside.

Phoenix squinted as the early morning sun hit his eyes. He walked over to the hot tub, pulled his beanie, shirt and sweatshirt off, then threw them to the side as he entered the tub. His frayed mind and tense muscles easily relaxed with the hot water hitting against his body.

He sat there in silence and almost drifted off to sleep when he heard the door open and saw Adrian walk through, in a _very_ nice bikini. Feeling _very_ awake now, it was _his_ turn to be the bearer of appreciative glances this time.

"Mind if I join you?" She asked sultrily.

"Um…Not at all." Phoenix pulled his legs to himself to make room for Adrian who slipped right in. He immediately took notice of the chest piece she had on and how _revealing_ it was; Phoenix got the feeling that was what she'd been going for.

"It is quite a nice morning, isn't it?"

"Indeed it is."

"It's so nice… I'd even say it's kind of… _seductive_." Adrian scooted closer to Phoenix and pressed her heaving breasts up against his chest, which he honestly saw coming.

"Yeah…In a way." Phoenix looked at Adrian who gave him a come-hither smile. He had no _objections_ to what he knew was about to happen. Maybe, just _maybe_ , he would find what had been missing from his life for so long…

Adrian pressed her chest even more firmly against him as she leaned up and joined her lips with his. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer, which just pressed her breasts against him even more. As their tongues battled for control, he moved his hands up Adrian's back and went to unhook her bikini top.

Although Phoenix stumbled… _a lot,_ much to his embarrassed chagrin.

 _God dammit I didn't have this problem last night!_

"Um…Mr. Wright, are you having trouble?"

"No…um…I almost got it…" Phoenix continued to struggle with Adrian's clasp, until she finally, mercifully, assisted him and cast it aside.

"There, better?" She flashed him a teasing smile. "I figured you could at _least_ do some something as simple as that!"

"Yes…well…" His cheeks reddened as Adrian laughed, before moving up onto Phoenix with her bare breasts now pressed against his drenched, muscular chest.

"Just because they're store bought doesn't mean they're not as good as the real thing!" Adrian whispered in Phoenix's ear, which just caused him to smirk in turn. He started rubbing his hands against her bare back and nibbled at her neck, which earned him a purr of approval in return.

Phoenix finally moved his head up to her ear and whispered in it.

"I hope you are on birth control, because I'm not wearing any protection."

Adrian smirked as she answered Phoenix. "No reason to worry, love. The temperature is warm enough to kill any _cells_ that might…escape."

"Um are you sure…?"

"Yes I'm sure…But yes, I _am_ on birth control, so no need to worry, love."

Phoenix locked lips with Adrian again, as he moved his now more cooperative hands down to her bikini bottoms and started unhooking the strap that connected it. Once it was opened, Phoenix threw the piece off, allowing Adrian's bared physique to fully press up against his half-naked physique.

As Phoenix started to move his hands to the front of Adrian's body, she started to use her hands to pull down his shorts. She finally slid them down all the way and pressed her glistening, nude form fully against his own slick naked body.

The two kept their mouths locked on each other's, while Phoenix used his strong hands to pull Adrian's lithe frame up, joining his body with hers, earning a cry of first shock, then joy as she slowly rocked herself against him. She could feel the pleasure shoot through her body as she enjoyed the thrilling ride with Phoenix.

Finally, simultaneous screams of ecstasy overcame the both of them and Adrian collapsed against him as Phoenix drew her tightly against his sweaty, wet chest, both still huffing and puffing.

Adrian smiled at him and murmured into his ear.

"That…was _amazing_ … _Phoenix_."

Adrian laid her head on Phoenix, who in turn just nodded his head.

"Yeah…Ms.…er, _Adrian_. Amazing…" He echoed hollowly.

Yes, truthfully Phoenix had indeed enjoyed it. That wasn't the issue; he couldn't remember a time where he _didn't_ enjoy being with a woman, especially such a beautiful, _willing_ one whom he'd known for some time now, and liked enough, as a person overall.

He lay his head gently on the hard surface tub edge, puffs of warm breath threading out of his lips as he absently held Adrian against him. He'd have done anything to feel the radiating heat of another by this point. Eyelids fluttering shut, he allowed himself a quick smile and allowed pleasant thoughts to cross his mind. Maybe he'd be joining others soon, maybe if he just waited a little longer.

Maybe someday…

But until that day arrived, the void that was in his heart was still present.


	3. Blazing Saddles

_JP: This will be the sole OC chapter. The character of the blonde bombshell, Tiffany Pierce, may seem familiar to a few of you who've read my stuff, as she was the catalyst in Nick and Maya's relationship in my series, part one, (her debut was in Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman) and since then I've made a point to mention her and/or give her a guest-starring role in a couple of my other fan-fics. She's a hoot, and not just because of her hooters! I hope you guys get a kick out of her as much as I do! BTW, if you guys wonder what my vision of Tiffany is, check it out here:_ ** _i dot imgur dot com slash YPNA7z0_** _(then realize how much Nick really must love Maya to have turned THAT down in the **Turnabout Lawful Love** trilogy series!) XD_

 _Blindknyttstories: So JP wrote this and threatne- I mean ASKED me for suggestions. It's a great chapter and continues to show why she is a great writer (Received water from anonymous, still need food.)  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Three:** **Blazing Saddles**

 _People Park_ – July 4, 2023

In Southern California, July was definitely in the heart of what could be called _official_ summer weather. The season seemed like a redundant thing to take note of, seeing as how Phoenix and Trucy lived in Los Angeles where it was essentially 80 degrees year round. But this particular day was a scorcher. At _least_ 102 degrees.

Ergo, it was officially too hot for him to wear his aqua _Papa_ beanie his daughter had given him, or his customary joggers and hooded sweatshirt which had replaced his blue lawyer suit the past four years as his standard attire. So since he had nothing better to do, Phoenix downed his typical bottle of wine for breakfast, did his customary 100 push-ups, crunches, and his other regular calisthenics, then donned on shorts, runners and a tank top, and decided to go for his customary jog in People Park.

Onlookers may have called him crazy for running in this sweltering heat at high noon, but he didn't care. He'd been called worse.

Moreover, he was now accustomed to jogging, a habit he'd picked up shortly after losing his badge, and he enjoyed working up a sweat. It cleansed him of the toxins that felt like they were building up inside of him, both from his odious, self-directed thoughts, and the second bottle of red he'd downed before he'd headed out. It was stronger than the typical swill he normally downed at the bar, and it had packed a harder punch than Tyson. It was a special occasion, so he thought he'd splurge. After all, today _was_ the nation's birthday - he'd just started celebrating _early_ that was all. Besides, it was 5:00 pm _somewhere_ , right?

His daughter was in still away, and he didn't work that night, as his pianist/poker player days were 6:00 pm – 2:00 am Thursday to Sunday. This meant a long solo day, and an even longer solo _evening_ loomed ahead of him. He hated days like this, because all he could do was dip into his steady stash of bottles, which he'd somehow fooled his daughter all this time into thinking was grape juice, and think. A potentially dangerous situation.

Loneliness was Phoenix's only dependable friend, there morning, noon and night. The women would come and go, wine ran dry, but always the empty yawning persisted. Nothing ever touched it, not his love affairs or poker or piano playing, which he'd become passable at now, and never the social media that was his constant poison when he looked up the lives of those he'd once known.

Trucy had been his sole beacon of hope, his light, since his disbarment. She was the one and only thing that had given him purpose in life again, and he cherished every moment he had with her.

She would be off to college in just a few short years. Then he'd be all alone again. The thought was unbearable. He loved her so much. _Too_ much. He needed her. What he was going to do when she was gone?

Everyone he'd ever loved was gone now, one way or another. His parents…Mia…Miles…Pearls… _and_ …

Phoenix picked up the pace then, as if trying to run away from his painful thoughts. The sun beat down on his jet-black hair, making him wonder if he'd have been better off covering his head with his beanie after all.

The sweat trickled down his back, free flowing like condensation on a window pane. It beaded on his forehead and dripped from his chin. His head began to spin.

He could _feel, hear and see_ that everything behind him was slowly and heavily rolling up like a carpet. All the huge trees in front of him were aware of the fact that _they_ would have to roll up, too. They were greeting him, first bowing and caressing him with their branches as he zipped past them, as if they wanted to show appreciation for the fact that he had visited the greenery-laden park and enjoyed every bit of it before said trees began "preparing" for the roll-up.

Phoenix rubbed his forehead. Maybe drinking wine and then running during the sun's peak hours hadn't been one of his brighter ideas.

He stopped mid-trot and bent over slightly, bracing his hands on his thighs. He wasn't feeling so hot all of a sudden.

As a matter of fact…he was definitely feeling _too_ hot! The combined factors had to be affecting his now fuzzy mind…or at _least_ his eyesight. How _else_ to explain the messed up vision he was now gawking at?

Standing before him, about a hundred yards away, a red nosed clown – no wait, a blue-clad _clown_ _and_ _a_ _red nosed gnome_ … stood over by a park bench. The clown appeared to be manually _self-gratifying_ himself…and then _ejaculating_ a long stream of _rainbows_ from the fly of his pants… and the end of the _'personalized special'_ rainbow was a pot of gold, which was being guarded by the garden gnome, who was singing " _Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds_ " continuously, while trying to protect his pot of gold from the lizard people of Japan while _bats_ swarmed around them…

Phoenix blinked, gave his head a sharp shake, and grinded his eyes with his fists.

The hallucination faded away…and morphed into Moe the Clown, who _was_ indeed pulling a rainbow out of his oversized pants…made of flowy, colorful... _handkerchiefs_! The gnome was the scowly-faced Victor Kudo, who was clutching his pot of gold – aka his trusty bag of birdseed – which he was pelting in protest at the clown, while dozens of _pigeons_ , not bats, swarmed around the two.

Disturbingly enough though…Kudo actually _was_ singing the famous ' _tripping_ ' tune by the Beatles. Even more surreal was that undaunted by the onslaught, Moe continued doing his everlasting hanky trick and then began _singing along_ with the _assaulter_!

Phoenix shook his head again, did an about-face, and began sprinting in the opposite direction as fast as he could.

After _this_ , he going to invest in a freakin baseball cap!

At last he spotted a drinking fountain, which thankfully was real, and not another figment of his overwrought imagination! _Damn_ , the blazing sun was merciless that day! The steady summer heat was becoming far less bearable with each moment. He was only halfway through his regular jogging regimen and was completely spent after just half an hour! He splashed some of the cool water onto his face and had to refill his water bottle twice before he felt even remotely quenched.

How he yearned for someplace indoors with air-conditioning! However, seeing none around, he had to settle for the shade from a nearby tree. He propped himself up against the coarse trunk and closed his eyes as he felt his one stubborn loose lock of hair sticking to the perspiration on his forehead.

Semi-hydrated, but still exhausted and overheated, he squirted the welcoming cold liquid from the bottle onto his head and glistening chest, not caring that the action mingled with the sweat and made the thin white material stick to him in clinging, wet patches.

Suddenly he heard a loud wolf whistle of appreciation a few feet away.

" _Damn_ , didn't think I'd be getting a _show_ at the park today, you sexy thing! Why don't you us _all_ a favor and just take that _hot, sweaty_ shirt _off_?"

Disgusted, Phoenix opened one eye. A busty, curvaceous blonde in booty shorts had halted just a few feet away from him on the path, so he figured the fat, lecherous brute, who was standing behind her, with the creepy smile of appreciation on his sweaty face, had been the one cat-calling her.

"I didn't know there was going to be a _wet-shirt contest_ today, hot stuff!" Said beast continued as he lasciviously looked Phoenix up and down. "But I'm just going to make myself a judge and put _you_ right in _first place_!"

Phoenix's eyes went round with shock and disbelief. _Jesus Christ_ …this vile, vulgar, _soggy-hog_ of a man... had been talking to _him_? A horrified look at the horn-dog's appreciative expression confirmed his harrowing suspicions.

 _Oh dear God of all the times for me **not** to be hallucinating or hearing things! _ He thought wildly. _Give me Moe the Clown **jacking off and shooting out rainbow splooge** over **this** nightmare, **any** day!_

Phoenix's mouth opened to speak some sort of scathing retort, but no words came out. Mercifully, he was beaten to the punch by the woman, whose forcefully biting tone was the sharp equivalent of Franziska Von Karma's whip.

"Git outta here you lewd, cotton-pickin' varmint!" The blonde snapped at the man, her sharp southern twang magnified by her indignation. "Yew, sir, are no gentleman! Ima jerk a knot in your tail, cuz this kinda crude tawking is rank nough to gag a maggot off a gut wagon, even though I _know_ ya ain't talking to _me_!"

"I don't think his fine behind needs _your_ defense," the man retorted, continuing to lick his lips as he leered at Phoenix. " _Do_ you, sweet cheeks?"

Phoenix barely resisted the urge to throw up in his own mouth.

"He wouldn't spit in yer ass if yer guts were on fire!" The blonde countered, putting her hands on her shapely hips and glaring at him. "Fer one thing, I reckon yer barking up the wrong tree! And even if this fella _were_ _light in the loafers_ , he could _still_ do better than _yew_! Hells bells, if I had a _dawg_ as ugly as yew, I'd shave his butt and make him walk backwards! Not to mention yer ripe stench smells bad enough to knock a dog off a gut wagon! Now git outta here, ya low-down scoundrel!"

The man looked wounded by the steady stream of insults – half of which _Phoenix_ could barely comprehend - and just stood there, gaping at her in shock.

" _I said git_!" The blonde jerked her thumb in the opposite direction as her glower deepened. The swine opened his mouth to speak, ultimately thought the better of it, and finally slunk off dejectedly.

Phoenix breathed a sigh of relief as he craned his neck and saw that the perv was gone.

"That was incredible. Thanks so much miss…" he began, smiling at the avenging angel who had just saved him from the _mother_ of all awkward situations. But as she stepped closer to the shady tree, and out of the blinding sunlight, his eyes widened in surprised recognition.

Standing there, in her statuesque, pneumatic bombshell glory, was Tiffany Pierce, his friendly neighborhood waitress, and fellow colleague, at the Borscht Bowl.

" _Tiffany_?"

"Well, saddle my back and call me a horse!" She squinted at him. "Phoenix Wright, is that _yew_?"

Phoenix was used to seeing the vixenish blonde in skimpy numbers – the tiny cocktail waitress uniform she wore at work didn't leave a man much need for an imagination of her visible… _assets_.

Right now though, she was in even _less_ than usual, in a pair of skimpy booty shorts and halter top on an effort to beat the heat. On her mile-long, shapely tanned legs she wore a pair of Rollerblades. A sunny smile on her lovely face completed the picture of the fantasy pinup California girl.

As his co-worker looked at him with friendly curiosity and surprise in her cerulean eyes, Phoenix suddenly felt very self-conscious at having someone he knew, especially a total babe Tiffany, having been the one to witness him being the victim of untoward sexual harassment - and by something that had resembled a _man_!

 _First Larry, and now **that** lecher within a week! Jeez **how and why** did I suddenly become **man candy**?! To top it all off, I am presently a_ _human Wet-Nap! There's probably enough sweat in my tank top to float the Titanic!_

He tried to run a quick hand through his hair to brush back that stubborn bang, which made him undoubtedly look like a wannabe dorky Superman, but felt it fall back into its usual spot on his head a moment later.

Cursing inwardly, all he could do was loop his thumbs into his shorts pocket and hope to look casual in front of the ever immaculately groomed glamazon.

"Thanks so much for that, Tiffany." He grinned, having no idea how attractive it made him. "I don't think I could have gotten rid of that creep anywhere _near_ as effectively!"

"Yer quite welcome! I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park that I could git that filthy pig to run outta here like a scalded haint!" She grinned back. "Some folks just ain't got no manners! Didn't that whole thang just take the rag off the bush?"

Phoenix decided to switch topics. He knew when Tiffany was on a tangent she tended to go off on her Southern rants for some time, and he was anxious to have her go back to speaking a language his _Yankee_ self could understand!

"I thought _I_ was the only one insane enough to try to work out in this heat," he joked.

"Well a gal's gotta maintain her figure if she's going to fit into that itty-bitty work uniform, right cutie?" Tiffany let out a silvery laugh. She cast a salacious glimpse at him, head to toe, and bit her lip. "But I can't say I blame that rascal for his appreciation of yer person! _Lawd have mercy_ , Phoenix! I had no inklin' what a sight for sore eyes ya were under them baggy sweats ya wear to the bar every day! How have yew managed to keep a _physique like that_ hidden all these years we done been workin' together at that blasted watering hole?"

Phoenix felt his face grow hot then, and this time it had nothing to do with the heat or the wine he'd consumed. Having never been a ladies man – _women_ tended to chat _him_ up, not vice versa! – He looked down at the ground bashfully, for the second time that day, uncertain how to respond.

"It's cold at the bar," he mumbled. "You know how Boris and Natasha like to keep the place to as authentic a Russian experience as possible in there – I'd freeze to death in those Siberian temperatures if I wore this kind of ensemble to work! And you know The Hydeout dealer room is even chillier than the bar itself!"

"Damn communist skinflints," Tiffany muttered, acknowledging the truth in the statement. "That's why he keeps it so dang frigid in there – he _refuses_ to pay the heat bill! Curse that Boris… dang peckerwood's tighter than a bull's ass at fly time!"

"I thought it was so customers would buy more booze to feel warmer," Phoenix chuckled. "You have to admit, it works! I personally need at _least_ two or three bottles to get through a shift myself so I don't turn into a Popsicle."

"Bless your heart! We _both_ know yer prettier than a glob of butter melting on a stack of pancakes!" Tiffany winked, her full lips curving into a sensual smile. "Therefore, I do declare Phoenix, if the likes _yew_ ever got too cold, ya'd find _some_ way to keep warm!"

 _This_ time, despite the unfamiliar Southern colloquium, the meaning wasn't lost on Phoenix, whose mood had improved greatly since he'd bumped into the flirtatious femme fatale. He knew Tiffany was a man-eater with a reputation for being the county bicycle – rumor had it that most of male staff and regular patrons had given her a ride! – but the longer he talked to the Southern belle, the more he found himself enjoying her company. She was funny, ballsy, did wonders for his ego, which had taken a battering since the disbarring, and moreover, was just a genuinely fun person to be around. He wondered if he could manage to steel up the courage to ask her out for that evening – holidays were always hard for him, especially without Trucy around, and more than anything in the world, he didn't want to be alone that night.

"Tiffany, I was wondering…do you have any Fourth of July festivities planned tonight?" He asked, before he lost his nerve, then immediately wished he'd kept his mouth shut as her eyes widened in amazement. "I mean, if you don't have anything better to do I um, was wondering if you wanted to maybe hang out with me?"

He swallowed. It'd been a gamble, of course – a pretty girl like Tiffany probably had a full dance card well into the next _millennium_. No way would she consider spending time with _him_ when she undoubtedly had a _mile-long_ list of suitors…

"Why I'll be!" Tiffany tipped her head to the side and flashed him a megawatt smile. "Phoenix Wright, did yew just ask me out on date?"

"Um…" Phoenix blushed furiously and scratched the back of his neck. "Not if you're going to say no…"

"Honey, yer so sweet I could eat ya with a spoon!" The waitress let out a tinkly laugh. "I gotta admire yer whole hog approach of just cutting right to the chase of: _Tiffany! How do, thanks for saving my tail, do ya got anything better to do tonight than go out with me_?"

Despite the teasing note in her voice, he still felt the sharp sting of the words. He didn't know how to react.

"I'd better get going," Phoenix muttered dismally, pushing himself up off the tree and flashing a weak smile. "I should have figured a popular girl like you would be busy…but I thought there would be no harm in asking…I guess I'll see you around…" He turned to leave, but she reached out and grabbed his shoulder, spinning him around to face her amused expression.

"Don't let yer mouth overload your tail, you sweet talking' thing!" Tiffany chided, taking her nail and running it down his arm. "Ya just caught me with my pants down, is all! Lookit here – ya got me grinnin' like a possum eatin' a sweet tater with yer invite! I'd be _delighted_ , to go out with ya, Phoenix! Hail, I've only been _batting my eyelashes_ at ya for the past _four_ _years_! I jist can't believe ya decide to pick one of the busiest nights at the bar to finally rustle up the grits to make a move!"

"Oh, you're working tonight? OK, no worries then…"

"Will ya relax, big boy? Even a blind hog finds an acorn now and then," she said airily. "I _was_ supposed to be working _but_ …" her eyes twinkled mischievously. "I switched shifts with Anita Lai at the bar tonight because she owes me a favor. What say yew and me get together at my place tonight, and just lie like bumps on a log? Relax, just pop in a movie, maybe see some fireworks from my 20th floor balcony?"

"Sounds good!" The relief was evident in Phoenix's voice as he beamed at her. "We could just order a pizza or something…how's 7?" He passed her his cell phone to input her phone number and address, then she passed it back to him with a smile. "I can bring some wine?"

"That works. Pizza's on me then. Ya better be there with bells on!" Tiffany stretched her arms over her head, her bosom straining against the sheer fabric of her hot-pink halter and got ready to get rolling again. "And one more thing, sugar?"

"What's that?" He asked, somewhat dazed at the sight of the graceful sway of her legs as she began to skate away.

"Yew know how I said we could _watch_ some fireworks?" She flashed a sassy wink over her shoulder as he nodded. "Well, ya play your cards right, stud, and I'm not completely against _making_ them, either!"

With those as her final words, she was gone, leaving a very hot and bothered Phoenix Wright in her wake, wondering exactly how he was going to get through the next _six hours_ with _that_ image seared in his mind…without something explosive going off within _him_!

He shook his head in wonder.

 _Tiffany Pierce…lady you are a **piece of work**...make that, a **firework**!_


	4. Alabama Slammer

_JP: Please note that neither of the authors have seen nor have any desire whatsoever to see the film Moulin Rouge. No offense is intended to anyone who actually sat through/liked that movie.  
Ugh...remember when going over to "watch a movie" at someone's house actually was a euphemism for...? ;)_

 _Blindknyttstories: JP had to split this in two meaning I was again threat- I mean asked for suggestions, I hope you enjoy this very awesome chapter by the funny Mademoiselle :) (Now being forced to write with a typewriter, SOS)  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Four:** **Alabama Slammer**

 _Tiffany's Apartment_ \- July 4, 2023

Tiffany was waiting outside her door when Phoenix arrived that evening, freshly showered (he better have been, he'd needed _three cold ones_ since they'd parted ways!) and dressed in blue jeans and black t-shirt. It was still too hot for his sweat suit, although he'd slapped his beanie back into place, feeling disloyal to Trucy if he didn't wear it in her absence.

"Hiya hot stuff," she drawled, stepping into the hallway. "No need to knock. Come in."

He stepped inside the pretty, modernly furnished apartment as Tiffany led the way to the living room inside, aware of the electricity in the atmosphere the moment he'd stepped through the entrance. It was crackling in the air. He didn't remember feeling this way with any other woman.

"The pizza just got here a few minutes ago," she told him, stretching languidly on the plush leather sofa and patting the spot next to her. "Pull up a seat and stay awhile."

Phoenix obliged, willing himself to calm his inexplicably jittery nerves. The two bottles of wine he'd downed prior to arriving hadn't helped much in that department. He was more on edge than ever. Two wine glasses were laid out on the coffee table in readiness, and two white pillar, vanilla scented candles filled the room with a subtle, sweet smell. The place was beautiful, well prepared and inviting…Much like the hostess, who was looking at him with a knowing smile as she slid an admiring glance at his form in the fitted shirt.

"All that jogging's gotten some _very_ nice results I see," she purred, running her nail down his chest, down his abs and down his thigh, stopping just at his knee.

He sucked in his breath as she turned around and faced him then, noting the familiar lusty fire in her eyes. It was like she'd just enchanted him, ensnaring him with her azure gaze. She tossed her long curls onto her back, which was completely left bare by her sleeveless white sundress, and rested her hands on the bottle of wine he held out to her. He felt as if she could sense him squirming with desire he was trying not to make too evident, and the scent of her magnolia perfume drove in through his nostrils, a scent he was quickly becoming addicted to. A tingling sensation disrupted his ruse and the tables turned. After four years of claiming _she'd_ lain in wait for _him_ , _he_ was now caught in _her_ web. This game of desire was intoxicating.

Tiffany was the first to break the spell.

"So, I have Netflix…was there anything in particular you wanted to watch?" She asked, expertly uncorking the wine and pouring it into the glasses. She pressed a stem into his hand and then clinked it with her own.

"To _possibilities_ ," she drawled, taking a sip.

"I'll drink to that," he agreed, downing half the glass in one gulp. "Um about the movie…we can watch whatever you want, really. I'm easy."

"Well, don't laugh, but I've always wanted to see _Moulin Rouge_ ," Tiffany told him, rising from the couch to go to the kitchen and coming back with two plates of pepperoni pizza. "I think I may be the only person in America who has not seen that movie!"

Phoenix blinked, unsure he'd heard her properly.

 _Wait, she actually seriously wants to '_ **_watch a movie_** _?!' I thought that was just coded term of LEGS – Lame Excuse to Get Some! And_ **_this_** _is the movie she wants to see? Some cabaret 20_ _th_ _century girly crap? She's_ **_got_** _to be kidding, right?_

"Isn't that musical or something?" He asked wearily.

"Sort of," she shrugged. "But I heard the music is really good, and that the performances are just to die for!"

 _Good Lord I just can't catch a break! First I have to deal with three years of_ **_Pink Princess_** _and_ **_Steel Samurai_** _TV shows, movies and paraphernalia littering my pad, and_ **_now_** _I gotta watch some cerebral girly chick with singing and dancing?_

"No problem at all." Without another word, Phoenix promptly tipped back the remains of his wine glass down his throat, then poured the remaining amount in the bottle into his glass as well. He gestured to the empty bottle wine then turned to the open-mouthed Tiffany, smiling winsomely. "I'm going to need some more of this!"

* * *

 _Later that evening…_

Over an hour, and two more bottles of wine later, Phoenix had relaxed to nearly the point of semi-consciousness. Tiffany was on the edge of her seat the whole time; he was leaning back and somewhere between a naughty dream and horrible reality.

The God-awful reality where he went to _allegedly_ 'watch a movie' at a blonde sexpot's house... but where, after plying him with copious amounts of alcohol, while wearing a lacy, translucent sundress that could have doubled as a nightie to his deprived, hungry eyes, said siren then proceeded to _ignore_ him... and _actually_ _watch the movie!_

Somehow, as if sensing he was slipping, Tiffany at last looked over her shoulder and saw that her date was laying half sprawled, with his head resting back on the sofa, and flushed guiltily.

Leaving the movie playing in the background, she saddled up next to Phoenix and began nipping his ear. He responded by pulling her onto his lap so she was straddling him, and began nuzzling her scented cleavage. Purring like a cat, she yanked his shirt over his head and unzipped her dress, so she was in nothing but a sheer lace matching red bra and panty set as she grinded against him, nipping at his neck while his fingers reached behind her, squeezing her bottom and pressing hot kisses against the top of her chest.

Tiffany closed her eyes blissfully as she nipped at his strong angular jaw, when suddenly he pulled her close and whispered in her ear.

"What kind of meat is this?"

 _What the devil?!_

Tiffany gasped and drew back, thinking this was some kind of dirty talk gone _horribly_ awry! What kind of _weird-ass,_ _scalawag,_ **_Yankee_** had she invited over to her place? She asked him to repeat himself.

"What kind of meat is this?" he said again, dreamily.

By now the blonde was madder than a wet hen. What the _hell_ was this supposed to mean? That made about as much sense as tits on a bull!

But when she looked down at Phoenix, whose hands were still firmly gripping her backside, although his head was now buried face down in her cleavage and was unmoving, she got her explanation: _He was asleep!_

Giggling, she shook his shoulders to wake him up. When that didn't work, she slipped her hand down the front of his jeans, and gave him a firm squeeze.

That did it! Phoenix jerked up so suddenly he nearly knocked her off his lap, his eyes wide and dazed.

"W- what? Good movie! I can't believe it's over already!" He exclaimed, rubbing his eyes with his fists.

"Hush yer mouth, ya snoozy big faker!" Tiffany laughed, reluctantly removing her hand. Then she told him what had happened.

"Oh man," he said, flushing. "I was having a dream that we were making chili."

Tiffany threw back her head and laughed heartily, then flashed him a sultry smile. "Well, if you're interested in _making_ things…" she said coyly. "I can promise that _making love_ will get ya more _fired up_ and _burning hot_ better than any five-alarm chili!"

"I like the sound of that," he growled, fully alert now and lifting his hips as she yanked off his jeans and boxers, then climbed back onto his lap, kissing him with frantic urgency. He returned her kisses feverishly, his tongue entwining with hers, a rush of heated fervor igniting within them both.

Tiffany slid down his lap and began kissing her way down his firm pecs and tracing a fiery path down his sculpted abs, with first her fingers, then her lips. She was kneeling down on the rug, in the middle of strumming his pert nipple with her tongue, when after a few minutes, she realized he'd stopped moaning and was mumbling something. Confused, she listened closer and realized he was _singing_ along to the musical, which she'd forgotten was still running on the television set behind her!

"Phoenix Wright!" Tiffany hollered, placing her hands on her hips as she shot up and glared down at him. "I cannot _believe_ I am down here, about to _S_ your _D_ ….and here _yew_ are… singing along to _Moulin Rouge_!"

"Oh shit, was I really?" He flashed an embarrassed grin and scratched his head under his beanie. "Sorry Tiffany, I guess it took me awhile to get into it, but _this_ song isn't half bad!"

"Are ya tellin' me yer _seriously_ so three sheets to the wind ya didn't realize ya were singing " _Show Must Go On_?!" She looked at him incredulously.

"I _was_?" He blinked.

"Darn tootin' ya were!"

"Wait, isn't that a _Queen_ song?" He asked, clearly flummoxed at her ire.

"Among _other_ things!" She snapped. "I guess I should be happy ya didn't bust out into singing _Lady Marmalade_!"

"Now _that's_ a catchy tune!" Phoenix's eyes lit up. "Is _that_ in the movie? Wouldn't it be a hit at the bar if I learned how to play that on the work piano, Tiffany?"

"I cannot _believe_ yew!" She stamped her foot. "Here's me, practically _naked_ in your lap, and here's _yew_ , distracted and _singing_ along to this dang movie…"

"Hey, _you're_ the one who picked it!"

"And _then_ making me play _second fiddle_ to _Nicole Kidman_!" She pouted, crossing her arms.

"Hey, you've been making _me_ play second fiddle to _Ewan McGregor_ all night!" He protested, yanking off his hat and throwing it at the ground in frustration. " _First_ I'm in trouble because I passed out watching this boring chick flick _you_ insisted on watching, _then_ you're mad at me for finally getting _into_ it?"

"Yes! Because yer supposed to be getting into _me_ , _dagnabbit_!"

They both glared at each other for a minute, until suddenly realizing the lunacy of the situation, and then both of them cracked up at the same time.

"Come here, ya sexy cabaret crooner," Tiffany grabbed his hand and tugged him down the hall. "How's about I take ya to a place where we can… _make chili_ with fewer _distractions_?"

She had no problems getting Phoenix to willingly follow her.

Once in the dimly lit bedroom, Tiffany reached into her top dresser drawer and discreetly fished out a foil packet, which she pressed into his palm while placing a scorching kiss on his mouth. Then she slipped out of her bra and panties and leaned over her bed, resting on her elbows, while giving him a wanton wink over her shoulder, sending cascades of platinum locks tumbling to down her back.

"Come on over, stud," she purred. " _This_ is the way I like it."

"Um…" Phoenix looked at her, somewhat perturbed, and wondered, for the second time that evening if in his mostly blitzed state, he'd heard her correctly. But then he shrugged mentally. There was a first time for everything, right? "OK, whatever you want then..."

He grasped her hips and pulled her back towards him in one swift movement.

A split second later there was a loud, piercing cry in the room, but it wasn't one of ecstasy.

" _Ouch_! Oh my _Gawd_! What the _shit_? What in tarnation are ya doing?! Get out! Get out! _Get out!_ "

Phoenix drew back and stepped away from the blonde, who had gotten up from her 'presenting' position and was now looking murderously at him.

"D-Did I do something wrong?" he asked nervously, instinctively placing his hands protectively over himself…she looked _that_ downright mutinous.

"Why the _hell_ were ya going for my _back door_ ya deviant freak!?" Tiffany shouted. "What are ya, some kind of _fruitcake_ , trying to stick things in places other than where nature and the good Lawd intended ya to?!"

Phoenix stared at her, his eyes wide with dismay. What a time for Tiffany huffily go and get all _Southern Baptist and bible thumping_ on him!

"And don't ya dare don't piss on my leg and tell me it's rainin' by claiming that whole ' _Oops, I slipped_!' bit neither, mister closet _sugar in the tank_!"

"I'm _so_ sorry Tiffany!" He cried. "I misunderstood you when you said _this_ was how you liked it…but I _swear_ to you - I'm _not_ gay!"

 ** _I'm_** _not the newly **turned** Larry Butz, for heaven's sake! Also, why is this the **second** time in less than a week that I've needed to make this proclamation?!_

Tiffany seemed to calm down somewhat as she took in the look of anguish in his eyes, and the genuine terror on his face, as if fearful she was still going to attack his pride and joy, and her expression softened.

"This may be insane," she sighed, the anger slowly draining from her face. "But they do say _third_ _time's_ _the charm_ , Phoenix. Ya wanna see if we can get it right this time?" She held out her arms to him, and he wrapped his arms around her waist, running his fingers through her silky hair. She looked up at him expectantly, and ran her hand across the stubble on his jawline, watching the sapphire eyes deepen with desire.

"Okay," she breathed. "Now, can we try this again?"

He smiled and leaned into her. She closed her eyes. This time, when his lips met hers, she melted into him. All of her fire and fever became his. And all of his patience and sincerity became hers.

 _Perhaps this is what it's like when people say they feel fireworks going off..._

He whispered her name as their bodies touched. Slowly, they became entwined, their accelerated heartbeats fusing into one, while their bodies moved to the rhythmic sounds of the murmurs of gratifying nonsense in their ears.

His tongue carved every inch of her body like a chisel.

His kisses were long and deep.

She gasped for air.

They moaned… louder.

He thrust…. deeper.

They moved…faster.

Lost in each other.

Then without control, their bodies exploded.

Leaving them both limp while they lay there, spent.

Arms and legs tangled

Listening to the satisfied sounds of their ragged breaths.

Deep into the silence of the night.

Hmmmm…

Sizzling…

SEX.

* * *

 _Wright Talent Agency_ – July 5, 2023

Phoenix had intended to do his usual middle of the night departure, but the copious amounts of wine, coupled with the _exhausting, vigorous and repeated_ performances the insatiable Tiffany had commanded of him all night, had left him so drained that he hadn't awoken till after 8:00 in the morning.

He'd rolled over to a smiley-faced note on the bedside saying that Tiffany had gone for a long, early morning roller-blade and that he could feel free to help himself to some juice in the fridge or some cereal if he wanted, that last night had been fun, and she'd see him at work.

He was relieved at the breezy, casual outcome of everything, considering how disastrous some of the events of the prior night had been. He hurriedly dressed, mentally vetoing the offer to linger for breakfast, lest he be forced to endure morning chit-chat with Tiffany if she happened to return, and hurried home.

Phoenix wasn't trying to be a cold-hearted bastard. As much as he was fond of the bubbly, and quite _limber_ blonde, he no more felt any sort of deep-rooted affection for her than _she_ did for _him_ , and he would simply chalk up the previous evening as a night of mindless fun with a comfortable stranger (with very bad tastes in films), and leave it at that.

Once he got home and into his room, he immediately stripped off his clothing and headed to the bathroom to take a long, hot shower. As he passed the full-length mirror by his bed, however, he noticed an odd black mark on the side of his butt cheek he'd never noticed before.

Good grief, had the little hell cat left such deep claw marks in his rear last night that it was now he was going to have a _marked up and bruised_ ass now?

Muttering in annoyance to himself, Phoenix stalked across the hall to Trucy's room – for once grateful his daughter wasn't home, and grabbed her magic prop mirror off her drawer. Then, back in his room, he angled the hand-held reflective object in front of the longer looking glass to get a better view of what was back there!

What he saw made his jaw drop and the color rise to his cheeks...on his _face_.

Written on _both_ of his butt cheeks, with a _thick, black sharpie_ , in capital block lettering, was the following message:

 **TIFFANY WAS HERE! 10/10! A+ :)**

Phoenix groaned and face palmed simultaneously as waves of mortification washed over him.

 _And_ **_this_** , _for the record...is the_ _**exact** reason _ _why I **never** like to _ **_spend the night_** _!_

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's:_

 **Forgreatcoffee** \- Ah Godot, we hate when you are Wright about these things. Alas, alcohol does tend to make the sexy bumbler even less quick on his feet than usual, and his fine behind did indeed need the valiant saving from the fair female knight in roller blades! Indeed, Larry would have been a welcome option compared to that soggy hog but surely Phoenix has not sunk so low...yet?! :p

 **Megaranger66** \- Larry...please we all know that wannabe playa's been overcompensating for _years_ and this was a _long-time coming_! Yes, Adrian has augmented her assets...here's a thought though - if Nick drunkenly noticed that they were bigger (out loud) this _would_ imply he's still a bit of a naughty boy who noticed their more diminutive size back from when he was sober, Wright? ;)

 **Feraligreater328** \- Glad to get your thumbs up buddy! This should have been noted in the last chapter but...chapter two: Temperatures (among other things!) Rising was indeed for you, my friend!

 **6GunSally** \- my dear friend whose hilariously innocuous comment about Nick being a slut started this whole comedy of error - thanks again for enjoying my brief depiction to the randy, ravishing Rhoda. Don't know how Edgy could have turned that down, but yes, getting _over_ Edgy by getting _under_ **Beanie Feenie** (thanks, will be using that one! lol)surely helped fill her void, at least!

 **AddiedeNaddie** \- meine dame, Nick is no lazy lush! He has to _work_ those thighs of steel to maintain them...sexercising won't be enough to keep him limber enough for his ...extracurricular activities, surely? Hmmm...then again... ;)

 **Prophet Mustache** \- I am so glad you're able to see past the silly romps to the underlying heart of this story, which although intended to be a comedy, is more than just about naughty one-shots fused together - it's all about the contemplative parts of the story, where Nick takes time to reflect after he's spent - this is no ordinary selfish alcoholic or heartless womanizer - the real Phoenix Wright we all know and love _is_ indeed underneath there _somewhere._..


	5. Perfect Karma

_**Blindknyttstories** – Well JP has kindly threatened…err…Asked me to write this chapter for everybody's enjoyment, she definitely set the scale rather high with those last two chapters so I'll try my best to entertain you all and make you all feel bad for Nick along the way (Now being forced to write with a quill pen, Trying escape attempt tonight)_

 _ **JP** – While I am compelled to assure my copilot that he is way too modest **et** **je pense, il est très drôle** I am even more compelled to bark: "Ink and pen was good enough for Hogwarts's fledgling wizards and it shall be good enough for you too!" *cracks whip* (hey, this actually IS the Wright chapter for that this time…)  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Five: Perfect Karma**

 _Wright Talent Agency_ \- July 15 2023

To say Phoenix's life had been hell on earth since his unplanned sleepover with Tiffany would have been the complete understatement of the year.

First, he had come down with a terrible cold (how had he managed to catch a _cold_ in LA...in _summer_ for Pete's sake!?), which had knocked him off his ass and forced him to miss an entire week of work – _and_ pay!

 _Then_ Trucy had written home, saying she'd made a new friend at magic camp – whose name was _Brad_! This newfound knowledge had made Phoenix cuss to the moon and back – his 12-year-old daughter was too _young_ for _boys_ , dammit!

He wished Edgeworth were still in the country instead of on an international investigation in Europe. He would have asked him to do a thorough background check on the little punk – which, due to Phoenix's fatherly instincts, he just _knew_ this "Brad" was!

Last _butt_ not least, his _godforsaken, unsolicited, permanent marker_ _tattoo_ on his rear end _still_ wouldn't come off no matter how many times he'd scrubbed it nearly raw with a loofah!

All these factors withstanding, it was no surprise that on that evening, like the many others before them since the mischievous waitress's marksmanship, Phoenix was in the foulest of foul moods. Not even the extra bottle of his favorite merlot cheered him up. One may have called it unwise to be drinking when still slightly under the weather, but wine was made of _grapes_ , grapes were a _fruit_...ergo, it was a _healthy_ beverage option, he reasoned, as he downed the remains of his ever-present bottle.

Phoenix lay back on the couch, grumbling about his plight and wondering if things could get any worse, when he suddenly heard his cell phone ringing. He looked down and saw that the caller was… _Larry_ andgroaned.

Yes, things _could_ get much worse!

Phoenix ignored his phone, opting not to deal with Larry and his sudden _turnabout gender_ preference and continued to brood.

Shortly afterward, he received a text message on his cell.

He picked it up to discover he had, in fact, _two_ text messages. The first one was from an unknown number.

 _Dear Mr. Wright,_

 _You more than likely do not remember me, I am a former client who needs to speak with you. You can find me in People Park this evening at 9:00 pm_.

Phoenix just stared at his phone, wondering who would need to talk to him at this hour – it was 8:30 already – especially since he was no longer a lawyer! Was it remotely possible that they had somehow _missed_ all the TV and news headlines about the _Forgin' Attorney_ four years ago?!

He sighed, knowing that the right thing to do was to go visit them, regardless. He checked to see who else had texted him, and saw that it was… _Larry_.

 _Nick! Why are you ignoring meeeee!?_

Phoenix face-palmed as he threw his phone down and hurried out of the agency.

* * *

 _People Park_ \- July 15 2023

He arrived in People Park as fast as he could. Thanks to his regular jogging regimen, the sprint had only taken ten minutes, but Phoenix was still worried he would be late for his client. He looked around the park and saw the place was deserted. This didn't really surprise him, considering it was an unnatural chilly night. _How_ could it be so freezing cold in _California_? What was this, _Japan_?!

He paced about, shivering, and he wondered where on earth his client was!

Phoenix was about to pull his phone out to text the person, when he realized that he'd left it at the apartment because of the agitating love-struck Larry.

He shivered slightly as the cold breeze blew against him. The consumed vino hadn't done much in warming him up whatsoever. Whoever it was, they'd better show up soon, because it was nearly 9:00 now, and if he stood there for another minute he was going to be a _vanilla popsicle_!

9:00. He was _outta_ there!

Phoenix had just started to head on the path back home when he heard footsteps behind him, echoing in the still of the night.

He turned around to see a figure in high heels walking in the distance. Figuring this must be his client, he walked over to the person to get a better look. As he got closer, he could tell it was a female, in a very fluffy jacket, who appeared to have light blue hair, and in her hand…wait, was that a… _whip_?!

Phoenix froze – in a manner that had _nothing_ to do with the frigid temperature. He knew who this woman was, and he knew what she was capable of. He quietly began to turn around when the female spoke up.

"It's good to see you again…Foolish Phoenix Wright."

Phoenix could feel his heart speed up. He didn't want to deal with _this_ woman… _now_ , of all times!

It looked as though he had no choice. She'd already seen him.

"Ah…Same to you…Franziska…" He wore his best poker face as he greeted her.

Franziska Von Karma smirked as he turned, seeing the undisguised terror in Phoenix's eyes as she approached him. She could also see the new casual sweat suit he now donned, the baggy fitting doing little to mask what her admiring eyes could tell was quite the muscular build underneath. She also found his slight shadowy scruff incredibly charming. She smiled smugly at him.

"It seems like a foolish fool such as yourself was finally caught for the cheater he actually is."

"Err…well…I'm sorry Franziska, I'm here to meet with a client," he replied uncomfortably.

Franziska smirked again as she sent him a look that made his entire body shake. A coy smile played upon her normally stern features as she walked up to him and used her two fingers to trace his chest.

"Yes well… _I_ was the one who sent that foolish text message. I know you wouldn't have come if I'd said it was me."

 _Well you're right about that_! He cleared his throat nervously as she inched even closer. "Yes well…"

Franziska continued tracing Phoenix's chest with her fingers, which made him even more frightened.

And yet, strangely enough, still somewhat _turned on_ …

 _Jeez, since when does hardcore fear suddenly make me… **hard**? I am one sick freak! Ima blame the wine…_

"You sure have grown into such a _fine_ , foolish man…" Franziska fluttered long lashes over lusty grey eyes. "And, I confess I find it's quite… _alluring_."

The former defense attorney could feel sweat breaking out on his head despite the cold weather. He also couldn't believe that _Franziska Von Karma_ , of all people, would be coming onto him! This was, after all, the same woman who had made him a victim of the whip more times than the girl in Fifty Shades of Grey! And was also the daughter of a diabolical, corrupt prosecutor whom Phoenix had basically sentenced to _death_!

"Yes well…Franziska, you have grown to be quite attractive yourself…" _Maybe I can get out of this with no whiplashes if I go with flattery…._

"Fool! I have _always_ been attractive, and a Von Karma is nothing but perfect." Franziska pulled her whip out and started using it to trace along Phoenix's chest, making him sweat even more.

"Yes…I suppose…Well I should get going, I have a, um…cat to tend to…"

Franziska smirked as she quickly wrapped her whip around Phoenix's body, pulling him right into her, obviously unconvinced of his pathetic attempt to bluff his way out of the situation.

 _Good grief, how was I **ever** a lawyer?! I can't bluff for shit anymore! The cold must be affecting my brain. Or is that the wine again?_

"The only _pussy_ … _cat_ you need to attend to…is _me_ , Phoenix Wright. _Meow_ …." Franziska purred in Phoenix's ear, making him turn bright red.

 _It's not like I'm not used to sexually aggressive women at this point, it's just that…most of them aren't **this** straightforward at first…_

Franziska rubbed up against him and nuzzled his neck, like a cat on a hot tin roof while she grazed his back with her claw-like nails.

 _Or literally rub themselves all over me like a feline in heat, as though I were a scratching post made of catnip…_

"Well um…I doubt we could do anything out here in the cold…"

"Foolish fool of a fool's offspring. Nobody else is here. I'm sure you can have plenty fun generating some heat with this _pussy_ … _cat_." The prosecutor licked down Phoenix's neck, earning a shiver from him, only this time purely from desire.

 _Cat in heat jokes aside, Franziska Von Karma is one of the few women I have a detailed past with. Well, other than…_

Phoenix shook his head to stop his mind from venturing down that dangerously depressing memory lane, and figured he may as well go with the flow. As it was, Franziska's kitten-like nips at his neck were already starting to make him feel slightly warmer already…

 _It's not like I'm getting out of here anytime soon anyway…kitty's caught me like a mouse in her trap…_

"Hmmm…make things hotter? Maybe I _can_ ," he growled against her skin as he began trailing a hot path of kisses along Franziska's neck, earning the cat woman's purr of approval. She kept his body firmly close with her whip, ensuring he couldn't get away. She used her free hand feel along Phoenix's muscled back, and liking what she felt, especially along the bottom half, gave his butt a firm squeeze.

"Mmmm, it seems the foolish fool…can be still be perfect in _certain_ areas…" Franziska was steadily losing control over her body as Phoenix used his free hands to start undoing her blouse as he kept kissing along her neck, until finally his lips joined with hers. Their tongues battled for control against one another, but Phoenix was able to gain the advantage, showing Franziska even a fool could best a Von Karma.

Franziska pulled him on top of her with her whip, which caused them both to fall onto the cold grass. By that point, he'd fully undone Franziska's clothing, resulting in her being down to just her undergarments. Phoenix started tracing down her arm and towards the whip, but while Franziska was losing much control over her body, it still appeared as if she was going to make sure she held onto her prized possession.

He smirked, keeping their mouths still hotly pressed together as he reached down and grabbed her whip. She struggled to keep up the erotic game of tug of war for the whip in her hand, before eventually losing it to Phoenix.

Feeling victorious, he undid the whip around himself and laid it to the side, earning a groan of disapproval from Franziska, but he ignored her. Finally the nearly naked, save for her bra and panties, prosecutor turned Phoenix over and sat upon his lap.

"Mmmm, I have stripped down in the cold for a fool, yet you couldn't do the same for a Von Karma?" Franziska smiled seductively, and Phoenix got the hint.

He pulled off his sweatshirt and his shirt. While he was doing that, the German woman was working on Phoenix's pants. Once he was down to nothing but his boxers, he felt Franziska's silky hair trailing over his bared torso as she started kissing up and down his chest.

While Franziska was enjoying the flavor of his pecs, he went to work on removing her bra. As he reached around her to undo it, he found, to his mortified chagrin, that once again, his clumsy fingers didn't appear to be _cooperating_.

 _What the hell? First **Adrian** and now **Franziska**? Just what the hell is wrong with me…?_ He barley stifled an embarrassed, self-deprecating groan. _I **knew** I_ s _houldn't have had that second bottle of wine before I came out here…_

Franziska noticed that Phoenix was having trouble with her brassiere and shot him a look of displeasure.

"You foolish fool, you are ruining this perfect moment!"

"No I uh…just… taking a bit of time to undo this…" _Freaking chastity belt chest plate! How many hooks do these things really need, anyway?!_

The _bit of time_ , which resulted in his fingers feeling numb from the cold and cramped from exertion, took a full _five minutes_ before Phoenix was able emerge triumphant with the unhooked garment. Not that Franziska congratulated him for his efforts. She just rolled her eyes and laid her bare chest back against his as she went back to work on his body.

Her hands then moved to pull down his boxers. Once they were down to his ankles, Franziska looked up and gave a sultry look to Phoenix, who just winked at her. She began to kiss down his rippling abdominals as her tormenting mouth traced a scorching path south, until it got to its intended destination.

He blissfully closed his eyes, his breathing quickened, and his body jolted with pleasure as her skillful lips and tongue ministrations drew him to near frenzy.

 _Ok Phoenix, this is nothing new to you…the only difference is you are on the cold ground…in public park… after dark…Wait doesn't the **mafia** own this park?_

Phoenix's breathing intensified. Franziska definitely went out of her way to make everything perfect, he now knew that _firsthand_! He grabbed his underwear, freeing himself completely, and pulled it off his leg so he could fully enjoy the _perfect treatment._

His boxers were lying beside him as he enjoyed the pleasuring of perfection, until he heard a sound… a small, footstep. Franziska, still focused on her delightful task, didn't appear to notice.

 _What the hell?!_

He looked over and saw…a huge, fluffy... raccoon. The ring-eyed bandit just sat there, staring him deep in the eyes, completely weirding him out while distracting him from the sensations of oral perfection. The raccoon inched its way even closer to Phoenix, who'd stopped breathing and just stared at the little animal, frantically wondering if getting his mind, _among other things_ , blown, was worth the price of a _potentially rabid raccoon bite_!

Suddenly, without warning, the raccoon grabbed his boxers, and ran off with them! Phoenix was completely stunned as he saw the little pest run up a tree and start _nibbling_ on his shorts!

Phoenix gave a long sigh of relief that he'd been spared the animal's bite, and decided to ignore the fact that he would have to go commando. It wasn't as if he couldn't just wear his pants sans drawers, just this once.

He closed his eyes and decided to continue enjoying the rapture of Franziska's perfect pleasuring…until he heard something else. He opened his eyes and saw a large, mighty-winged _eagle_ circling closer and staring down at him. Phoenix froze in horror.

Forget a rabid bite! _This_ thing…could _kill_ him…!

Phoenix tried to use his hand to shoo it away, but Franziska grabbed his hands with her own as she went to work. He tried not to whimper.

 _Goddammit woman! **No** lap-loving is worth losing my head over…_

Suddenly the eagle flew over to Phoenix's sweatshirt, looked down at the material, scratched it a few times... then grabbed the clothing with its talons and flew away with it! He saw the bird fly up to a nearby tree and lay the sweatshirt down, no doubt for the foundation of its nest.

Phoenix just stared at the bird of prey, still in disbelief the blasted thing had just done that! What were the odds?!

He supposed he was lucky his ratty sweatshirt was _all_ it had decided to swoop down on! Oh well, he could live without undershorts or his sweatshirt...not that he had much of a _choice_...

Franziska went on with her toe-curling tactics, still somehow oblivious to everything around them.

He tried to lay back and continue his enjoyment, but this time, though, he kept his eyes open as Franziska continued.

A moment later, he heard yet _another_ sound and couldn't believe it his eyes!

Phoenix looked over, and standing above his pants was a large dog…Some sort of mixed-breed mutt, with its tongue sticking out.

 _OK, this officially **beyond** disturbia! How many **more sets of eyes** are going to get to see my junk tonight? I don't think I have any more clothes left to steal! Except for…oh dear Lord…_

The dog began sniffing Phoenix's pants.

The poor man was starting to fear that he would have to run home butt naked… _literally_! He was just about to wiggle free from Franziska's sweet lips in an effort to save his slacks when, to Phoenix's relief, the dog turned around started to leave.

Although not before lifting his leg up and urinating all over his pants…

 _Seriously?! Great. Just great…_

Phoenix's jaw had just dropped at this kind shitty luck when he then felt Franziska stop, which just made him even more worried. He saw the prosecutor was leaning over for her whip, which caused him to get wide-eyed with panic.

"Um…Franziska, why are you grabbing your whip?"

"Hehe…I'm just doing whatever is necessary to make this perfect Phoenix Wright… To insure you don't do anything foolish, I'll have this to keep you in line."

Phoenix was now petrified. Suddenly something that was already dangerous but had seemed exciting, now just flat out seemed… _dangerous_.

"Well…Well you don't need to worry about that…I'll stay in line…"

"Mmmmm, I'll still keep my insurance." Franziska flashed a devilish smile at Phoenix, who felt his heart drop. "Now why don't you sit up and let me see the goods you have _behind_ you, hmmm? They definitely _felt_ good."

Phoenix gulped as he was about to sit up, however as soon as he started, he remembered… _Tiffany_ …The markings on his butt…if Franziska saw that…Then he wouldn't be able to sit for weeks!

"Uh well um…How about I just keep laying down…This grass is actually quite comfortable…"

She flashed a look of annoyance at Phoenix, who just smiled sheepishly back. This only made her further intensify her glare, which could easily rival Edgeworth's _any_ day!

"Humph…I won't warn you again Phoenix Wright, ruin this and I shall make you pay!" Franziska cracked her whip against the ground, causing him to flinch.

"Yes well um…This is the perfect spot because um…um…my ass won't get cold in the cool breeze…?"

Franziska brandished the whip over Phoenix, who gulped but didn't budge.

She lashed out and hit Phoenix's shoulder with her whip, causing him to yelp, more from fear than pain.

"Phoenix Wright! A foolish fool like you will _not_ ruin a Von Karma's perfect experience!"

Franziska got off of Phoenix and tried pulling him up. He tried to resist, but Franziska's whip was the difference maker.

Once he was forced on his stomach, Franziska gasped when she saw what was on Phoenix's ass. He grimaced in preparation for the explosive reaction.

"Foolish Phoenix Wright! What is the meaning of these markings!?"

"Yeah about that…I, um…It's a _long_ story." Phoenix could see Franziska grinding her teeth while cracking her whip on the ground.

"Admit it, you fool! You have been going around everywhere insulting women by having one night stands with them!"

 ** _Insulting_** _them? That's just **mean**! Considering each time it was **their** idea!_

"Er, isn't that what _you_ were about to do with _me_?"

"Grrr, I was going to give a foolish fool like you the perfect experience, yet something like _this_ could not make this perfect anymore."

 _This isn't good whenever Franziska doesn't get her way…_

Phoenix had to think, and fast.

"Well we can _still_ make this perfect…" He said, giving her his best come-hither look.

"Humph, _how_?" She asked petulantly, although less angrily now.

"Well um…I say whether a one night stand is perfect or not, depends on how the _main course_ goes, wouldn't you say?" Phoenix gave a sly smile to Franziska, who gave an ice cold glare back.

"Fine. Very well, but if this doesn't satisfy _my_ _appetite_ , then prepare to be punished, Phoenix Wright!"

 _No pressure there **at all** ….but I think I can git er' done!_

Phoenix smirked as he leaned up and locked lips with Franziska once more. She fell back on top of him as their tongues battled again. He reached down and pulled her undergarments down, which earned a purr of satisfaction from her as she arched her back.

Franziska positioned her pelvis right above his as she unlocked lips and flashed him a sexy smile. The she lowered herself down and joined with Phoenix, the initial sensation earning a hiss of gratification from her as she arched her back, literally purring with pleasure as her nails raked at his chest and abs.

She began moving up and down on Phoenix, her loud howls of ecstasy echoing in the night. (Yet somehow not triggering a feline chorus of neighboring alley cats).

 _First raccoon, then eagle, then dog…and now I am literally having sex with **Cat Woman**!_ Phoenix had his eyes closed as he used his lower half and his hands to enhance the experience.

 _Still…Cat Woman sure is an uncaged tiger tonight! The crazy ones are always the wildest ride…_

Phoenix lifted his pelvis, causing Franziska to wrap her arms around him as she moved her body in seamless, synchronized rhythm with his. He started licking and kissing her ear, which caused her to get even louder with her yowls and purrs. His hands grabbed her hips, her bare chest pressing up against his. His eyes remained closed as he enjoyed the thrillbanging ride.

Phoenix halfway opened his eyes during the experience, only to fully snap them open when he saw what was on the other side of the park!

Standing there was an extremely big, _menacing-looking_ man, with puffy eyebrows, a giant cleaver and a… _fox_ apron?

Phoenix emitted a loud cry of terror.

Franziska stopped, knowing something was wrong. The she turned around and let out a feral scream when she saw the man, falling off of Phoenix in the process.

They both stared at the man while he stared back.

The man's loud, booming voice echoed from across the other side of the park.

"What the _hell_ are you two _doing_?"

Phoenix and Franziska both immediately bolted up when they heard him. Phoenix quickly grabbed his shirt, beanie and urinated pants while Franziska frantically seized her own clothes, (although without any urinated garments – somehow _hers_ had been spared being _pilfered or peed_ on!) while also grabbing her whip. Without even bidding each other adieu, both took off from that park like bats out of hell.

As the poker player was running for his life, while simultaneously trying to put what was left of his clothes back on, his wallet fell out in the middle of the park, completely unnoticed.

For Phoenix Wright, disbarred attorney, this was by far the worst night of his _life_.

For the lucky women who happened to be looking out their windows that night, they saw the most amazing sight ever – a half-naked, muscled man with spiky hair, running along the street back to his apartment.

Even more unfortunately for Phoenix, losing his wallet from that one-night quickie would end up resulting in long-term consequences…


	6. Maneater

_Blindknyttstories: JP is back at the helm with this chapter, I assume she isn't going to torture Nick with animal piss this chapter...But who knows? Anyway JP did a great job with this chapter, and no I'm not being forced to say that, why would you think that?(First Escape attempt failed, attempting second one tonight.)_

 _JP: he says forced, I say "persuasion"... Either way no methods need be enforced until he's back in the writer's hot seat!;)_  
 _(p.s. I left hints galore but wondering if anyone can guess who the mysterious femme fatale here is?)_

* * *

 **Chapter Six: Maneater**

 _The Borscht Bowl Club_ \- June 28, 2024

Time was running out.

"Refill?" The blonde waitress asked the customer, in what must've been the most nerve-grating Southern twang she'd ever heard. The server had been trying to get her to try some of owner's authentic borscht all night, but last thing this bar-fly needed was food.

She needed alcohol. And a _helluva_ lot of it.

"Another whiskey," she mumbled, and held out her empty glass towards the other woman, who swiftly filled it all the way up, and then took off.

She brooded over the refilled glass, staring sightlessly at the wall as she listened to the carefully placed and at times, wrong tunes coming from the piano, as she wallowed in her misery. The haunting tune was achingly familiar, but abstruse. She doubted if anyone else would have recognized it.

Not that there was anyone else around.

The pub was empty except for her and the fair-to-middling pianist in the corner. And it was a Friday night too. She wondered how the place stayed in business.

The air was downright icy down in the basement pub. She guessed that the lack of costumers was mostly due to the constant cold, and that the constant 5° C was to create an authentic Russian atmospheric experience.

When she'd stumbled upon the bar earlier, she'd been happier than a clam to discover the lack of people. It only added to her existing feelings of desolateness. She'd spent the entire evening there, listening to the songs the pianist played become more sad and obscure as the night went on. Well, the _songs_ weren't unrecognizable exactly – they were just hard to tell because of the musician's mediocre playing.

But oddly enough, the more glass bottles that compiled next to his feet as he played on, the surprisingly _better_ he seemed to get! She'd very clearly been able to make out the last three songs, all with the same angst theme, within the last half hour.

 _Against All Odds_ by Phil Collins. _Someone Like You_ by Adele. _All By Myself_ by Celine Dion.

It would have depressed any other patron to no end, but she didn't mind. She loved it. It matched her disposition perfectly, and was the ideal place for her to embrace the cold and her self-pity.

Tonight was a new record, however, since she'd been drinking now for about four hours straight and still felt all the suffering pain and agony that had quelled her to drink in the first place. Although she must have been having fun despite her melancholic state; time had flown.

A quarter of an hour was all she had left now. Last call at the bar was in _15 minutes_.

That was all the time she had left to complete lose herself and obliterate this God-awful night and its tormenting memories from her memory, her existence.

That was alright, though. She'd _double –fist_ if she needed to. It wasn't 2:00 am _yet_. She'd been there for most of the night and had enough booze in her to float battleships. Or at least numb her into oblivion.

So far, success had not been reached. She could still remember the events that had led her to this watering hole as clearly and painfully as though it had just happened.

That bastard had dumped her! _Her_! _She_ who had always brought even the mightiest of men to their knees with her very presence, then chewed them up, _coughed them up_ , and spit them out when she grew bored of them and no longer saw their use.

Her last boyfriend had been a _chiclet_!

Except _this_ time around, _she'd_ been the one chewed, instead of the _chewer_.

It was quite a blow to her ego – it'd never happened before in her 38 years.

Was she losing her alluring mystique that normally drove the men wild with want? Was she losing her looks? Getting, heaven forbid, too old to be a cougar on the prowl?

 _Inconceivable!_

She was still as toned and fit as she'd always been, well preserved and youthful looking, with not even a touch of grey in her silken caramel mane, she assured herself.

She'd forever prided herself on three things – her sharp ability to read people, her beguiling good looks, and her expertise on male psychology despite having never been a shrink nor studied the science.

But she'd put her hands-on skills to good use, along with that insightful knowledge as a detective in another lifetime.

In her current one, those same skills were still aptly put to use as a Private Investigator. There was a reason she was la crème de la crème at tracking down and exposing liars, cheaters, philandering bastards.

Most of them were of the male persuasion.

Men were animals, but like all animals, they had their uses. In this case, their flawed ways of life paid her bills. _Handsomely_.

According to her, three things controlled the actions of men; hunger, the need to sleep, and sex.

Men weren't too complicated. You see a man walking towards you who isn't yawning or packing wood? Make him a sandwich!

Being the beautiful, cunning, woman that she was, she knew how to use this to her advantage, especially the third rule.

Yet still that son of a bitch Jake Marshall had left her like she was yesterday's news the minute he'd been sprung from the clink, back into the arms of his undeserving fellow jailbird ex, Lana Skye, who'd never deserved him in the first place!

Exactly what was that spindly, uptight bitch doing for that bastard sexually that _she_ couldn't, or wouldn't?!

She snarled into her liquor and tossed it back as though it were water.

Perhaps her entire MO was off, and she should be focusing on floating _another_ type of boat entirely.

Preferably, _within_ her.

After all, the best way to _get over_ someone was to get _under_ someone, was it not?

A slow leer played over her coral lips as her eyes rested on the pianist in the corner of the nearly deserted bar.

She supposed if she hadn't been so busy lamenting the loss of her wannabe cowboy lover, she'd have noticed what a _fine specimen_ was _right in front_ of her thirsty eyes.

 _God damn that is one sexy beast,_ she thought to herself, feeling a slight tingle jolt through her that had nothing to do with the alcohol she'd consumed.

In escort slang, he was DDG. _Drop dead gorgeous_.

He looked to be in his late-20's to early 30's – younger than her, but they never seemed to mind any more than she did. After all, it wasn't as though she wanted him for anything more than a _short-term rental!_

As he raised a distracted hand to scratch his head under his cap, she caught a glimpse of what appeared to be a head of thick, black hair, which she was suddenly aching to run her scarlet lacquered fingertips through.

And then scratch them down his back, and hope Jake Marshall felt it!

Suddenly, as though sensing her gaze, he looked up and saw her standing by the bar, not even three feet away.

"That's a pretty sad song you're playing there, stud," she murmured, giving him a coy smile as she held the glass to her full lips. "Why so blue?"

He cocked a masculine brow at the query as his hooded dark blue eyes lifted and cast a penetrating gaze, roaming over her from head to toe.

Had she been more of a _lady_ , it would have made her blush. He certainly hadn't taken any _shortcuts_!

But _this_ lady prided herself on being more of a _vamp_ , so it just made her smile and preen. Also it had turned her on so much you could have drowned a toddler in her panties…

Still, he didn't speak.

That was fine by her. She rather liked the strong, silent type. And what she had in mind didn't require much conversation anyhow…

She was feeling a lot warmer now with the heat of that piercing gaze, which was so explicit she actually felt as though he'd reached out and touched her with those skillful piano-playing fingers.

The striking blonde woman leaned back against the bar casually. The fur collar of her clean, alabaster jacket tickled her throat, and her arms were folded over her chest, enhancing the view provided by the low cut, slinky black dress she wore beneath it. She licked her lips like a predator about to devour its prey, and was torn between being glad she was wearing her customary jacket over her clothing due to the cold, or being annoyed that it hid her braless, exposed cleavage from his view.

Deciding on the latter, she shifted against the stool so the open sides of the coat fell wide open, giving him full view of the hardened twin peaks straining against the clinging fabric, and leave it to this imagination if it were due to the cold…or from the warmth of his stare…It could have gone either way.

The musician wore a baggy hooded sweatshirt that was halfway unzipped, despite the frigid temperature, displaying a fitted gray t-shirt that molded over his rigid pecs. The aqua color of his beanie made the intense blue of his eyes pop. Black track pants highlighted muscular legs and lean hips.

Presently, he was situated by a piano and playing what she assumed was supposed to be _Ask the Lonely_ by Journey. Sadly, it was performed with hardly any recognition. It was a miracle she'd identified it, and that was only due to an obsessive addiction to the steady stream of woebegone warblers she'd been listening to all afternoon prior to her arrival there.

Gulping down the majority of her glass in one swish, she instantly regretted it. She was _finally_ a bit woozy, more so than to her liking.

Also, it seemed they were doomed to nothing but a mutual silent stare down unless she upped the game a notch. This one was going to be a tough nut to crack.

Good thing she liked challenges, as well as men of few words.

"Damn, I hate bourbon," she muttered darkly as she took yet another sip. She didn't even know why she'd let herself start hitting the bottle anyway. After all, Jake was hardly going to lose any sleep or sanity over losing _her_. She was going to have the mother of all hangovers in the morning.

"Yeah, I'm more of a _grape juice_ person, myself," he replied with a smirk, his voice low and laced with amusement as he reached for the bottle next to him and downed the remains as at last the tunes stopped. She tilted her head to the side and saw how the pianist was now looking at her with a crooked smile.

 _God's teeth, this is one fucking hot guy._

"Why'd you stop?" She asked, giving him a lopsided grin. "I was about to start singing along."

"The song's over." He shrugged and looked at his watch. "And now, so is my shift."

"Play the chorus again, please," she breathed, coming over and leaning over the base of the piano and giving him a tantalizing glimpse down the low V-cut of her dress. "Play it for _me_."

He shrugged and obliged, and she began to sing along in her husky, throaty voice.

 _Hang on, ask the lonely  
When you're feeling love's unfair  
You just ask the lonely  
When you're lost in deep despair  
You just ask the lonely…_

The pianist smiled broadly, which brightened his face and made him look even more delectable.

"I'm impressed. That's one of Journey's lesser known ditties," there was an admiring note to his voice. "And you sang it with such _meaning_."

"You played it with enough passion for me to give it all I had. _Definitely_ a man after my own heart." She gave him a knowing look. "You never answered my question, sexy. Why so blue?"

"Oh?" His smile faded. "What makes you say that?"

"Because I know men, honey." She remained in her leaned over position and gave him a sassy wink. "Happy guys don't play remote, sad 80's songs like "Ask the Lonely."

"You're very presumptuous, lady," he replied curtly, his good nature fading abruptly as he stood up from the bench, revealing his full height. "Considering we just met, I can't say I care for that too much."

She'd not yet seen him standing up, as he'd only been sitting by the piano during her visit. Sweet Jesus, he was tall! Together with his broad shoulders and stubble, she could've swooned right there. Instead, she just stared, and he chuckled humorlessly as he stepped away from the piano then, and turned as if getting ready to leave.

 _NO! Please don't go!_

She panicked. Somehow she'd pushed too far – he'd taken her innocent flirtations the wrong way and now he was going to just up and _leave_! He couldn't! He mustn't! She couldn't be alone, not _tonight_!

Something drastic needed to be done to salvage things, and _fast_!

"Usually I'm more of a wine or nothing gal, myself," she purred, hoping she sounded more sultry than desperate as she swirled her glass so the contents swished around. "But those won't get you drunk fast enough. So desperate times call for desperate measures."

He stopped then, and turned to look at her over his shoulder, the wry smirk back on his face.

"You seem to have had a _very_ desperate night, then," the pianist said with a chuckle, "I would've guessed you liked what you'd been ordering all night."

She felt her toes curling inside her stilettos. So Mr. Hard to Get _had_ noticed her after all! Certainly enough to notice what _she'd_ _been drinking_ all night – and earlier in the night there actually had been _other people_ in the bar he could have paid mind to!

That unconquerable hard shell was starting to split. It was time to go big or go home. Better whip out the _nutcracker_.

"Guilty as charged," she sighed dramatically, affecting her most forlorn expression as she looked down at her glass, her full lips beginning to tremble, as though fighting back tears.

If this man could resist her damsel in distress act, he had ice water rather than blood in his veins.

She pretended to sniffle then, her long hair falling into her face so he wouldn't see the sly smile on her coral lips as she raised her full bosom off the baby grand and 'accidentally' stumbled so she bumped into when she went to move past him.

The grazing of her soft curves against his hard body was brief, but effective, long enough for him to have to lean in closer to reach out a hand to steady her, reaching around her, his arm brushing 'accidentally' against her waist and taking in the intoxicating scent of her vanilla-magnolia perfume, the one that had never failed to make men fall under her spell and at her feet.

There was _no man_ that could resist coughing his heart up to the Cough-Up Queen.

"Oops," she tittered. "How clumsy of me." She continued moving past him, as though deciding she was going to beat him to the door so he wouldn't see her 'break down'.

She knew the game. Hell, she'd practically _invented_ it.

If all else failed, play hard to get. Men were hunters, and lived for the chase. A man this hot was probably used to the horny bitches sniffing around and panting after him and was likely tired of it ... which meant he most definitely preferred to be in the role of the hunter.

Or at least be led to _believe_ he was.

She moved away from the bar, her heels tapping against the solid wood floor as she made her way towards the exit. She glanced back at him, her honey-blonde hair flipping to cover her turbulent right grey eye and exposing the sincerity of her other brown one.

"Sorry to have ruffled your feathers, handsome," she drawled regretfully, with just the right amount of sadness in her rueful tone. "I was all sad to be all by my lonesome, and sought nothing more but the innocent pleasure of your company, but I see that it's impossible for you, even though you're now off the clock. When you finally relax, come find me, and maybe the offer will still stand..."

Her steps continued, laboriously slow, like a gazelle grazing, taunting the lion who laid in wait... or was it the lioness, pacing before she pounced on her victim? One thin, tanned hand reached for the door handle.

"I'm in the phone book if you want to look me up. My name is…"

She felt her fingers slide against the cold metal. He _had_ to take the bait…

And he did.

 _"Hold it!"_

The next thing she knew, he'd caught up to her within only a few strides of his long legs, and strong fingers wrapped around her wrist.

She paused, smiling smugly to herself. Well, it seemed she had his attention. _All_ of it.

"You can stop the games now, Hiccup Heiress," he stated firmly.

She spun around in shock at the alluding to her old title and with a jolt realized he was suddenly _very_ close - and right behind her! When had _that_ happened?

She stared up into deep sapphire eyes which were boring holes into her own widened ones.

" _H – ho_ w, _w- who_ …" she stammered, losing her composure entirely as her eyes roved over his completely unfamiliar handsome face, his square jaw set and determined.

"It's been nearly ten years, but I know _exactly_ who you are, Angel Starr! _Take that_!"


	7. Jaguars, Cougars and Mountain Lions

Blindknyttstories: So this a continuation from my captor's er...friend's last chapter. She is a fantastic writer and I guarantee you with my life you will enjoy this chapter!(No Really if you don't enjoy I might not live to see another day...)

JP: *smiles innocently, jingles cell keys in pocket.* We are at the mid-way mark of this comedy of errors...I needed to expand and extend parts of this tale that had naught to do with Nick's actual parts...we now see his POV on his encounter with the cough-up queen! Enjoy! :)

* * *

 **Chapter Seven: Jaguars, Cougars and Mountain Lions**

 _The Borscht Bowl Club_ – June 29, 2024

Phoenix was fed up of putting on his plastered on, saccharine smile for the drunken masses. Happy, inebriated customers liked show tunes and upbeat melodies, ergo, that was exactly what he gave them, even though he'd yearned to play tunes more suited to his mood. Earlier that night, he'd played the famous Glen Frey tune, _You Belong to the City,_ and even sung along the lyrics about how a crowded city could be a very lonely place.

* * *

 _Nobody know where you're going  
Nobody cares where you've been_

 _'Cause you belong to the city_  
 _You belong to the night_  
 _living in a river of darkness, beneath the neon light_  
 _You were born in the city_  
 _Concrete under your feet_  
 _It's in your blood, its in your moves_  
 _You're a man of the street…_

* * *

Then his manager Boris had curtly told him to stop immediately, and that he was depressing the pub patrons, as well as his wife and co-owner, Natasha.

Phoenix wasn't quite sure if that had been a pot-shot about his choice of _music_ or his actual _singing_.

 _Oh please, Natasha isn't even here tonight, and most of these drunkards are too shit-faced to care what I'm playing!_ He thought sullenly. _Dang jackass Russian! He wanted me to play famous theme songs…well, **that** song was from the show **Miami Vice,** for Pete's sake!_

Phoenix rebelliously found himself mentally singing along with the words to the songs better suited to his disposition as the night drew to a close.

 _Against All Odds_ by Phil Collins.

* * *

 _So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space_ _  
And there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face…_

* * *

 _Someone Like You_ by Adele _._

* * *

 _Nothing compares_  
 _No worries or cares_  
 _Regrets and mistakes_  
 _They are memories made…_

* * *

 _All By Myself_ by Celine Dion _._

* * *

 _All by myself_  
 _Don't wanna be_  
 _All by myself_  
 _Anymore_  
 _Hard to be sure_  
 _Sometimes I feel so insecure_  
 _And loves so distant and obscure…_

* * *

Oddly enough, the more bottles he downed, the more _clearly_ the notes seemed to flow through his fingertips! Boris was even bobbing his head in recognition to some of the angst ballads, and this was a _Russian immigrant_ who hadn't even recognized the famous theme song from _The Flintstones_!

Of course, at that time, he'd only had one bottle of wine at the time, so maybe his skills had been rustier earlier that evening.

It was all good now for him to play what he liked; there was nobody left at the bar to criticize his less than upbeat song choices, as the first last call for alcohol had been made.

Everyone was long gone, including Tiffany, who couldn't peddle Natasha's secret family recipe for the disgusting homemade borscht to save her life ( _why_ did she even _bother_?!), not even to the lone, obviously tipsy customer seated closest to the bar, who'd been drinking like a fish since she'd entered several hours earlier from her bottomless glass of amber.

He couldn't help but be impressed that the blonde, who was way too overdressed for a dive like this, was still _upright_. She was a petite woman, slight of build and stature, but somehow, she was still holding her own. She'd been matching him nearly drink for drink most of the night, except _he_ had capped himself on the fourth wine bottle, and _she_ was still pounding them back the liquor like it was going out of style by the time Tiffany made her final rounds.

The customer was also…oddly _familiar_ looking to him…Phoenix noticed absently, although it'd been hard to ascertain, as his buzzed out, alcohol-fueled mind had been attempting to focus on his music, while trying to drown out his morose, desolate thoughts with more wine.

It was pathetic, he knew, the vicious, redundant cycle, as the sadder the songs he chose, the _more_ bottles of wine he seemed to need.

 _Luckily, I get to drink for free at work. Good old Tiffany…she's been **extra** generous with slipping me the bottles ever since I slipped **her** my…_ He smirked and continued with his current melody.

It was when he'd finished the closing bar to the ending song, mentally crooning the concluding lyrics of: _all by myself…Don't wanna live…I never, never, never…Needed anyone…_ That he felt a set of eyes watching him intently.

Looking up, he saw the attractive blonde had turned around in her stool, and was flashing him an appreciative smile, although he wasn't sure if it was intended for _him_ , or the _song_.

Phoenix met her gaze steadily, watching as she got up from her seat then, and leaned back against the bar, displaying her notable assets even more visibly, while eyeing him with a sultry expression.

"That's a pretty sad song you're playing there, stud," she murmured, giving him a coy smile as she held the glass to her full lips. "Why so blue?"

Having now gotten a chance to get a good look at her, and at last hear her voice, the mystery of her identity, and _why_ she'd seemed so familiar earlier, was conclusively solved. Luckily, years of perfecting his poker-face kept his visage from registering his inner _screeching_ thoughts.

 _Holy Toledo! It's Angel Starr! Damn if she hasn't even aged a day since I saw her last, even though it's been almost a decade! And she's_ **_totally eye-banging_** _me – I'd recognize that predatory look of hers_ **_any day_** _! Hmmm…she doesn't appear to recognize me…since she called me 'stud'... I'd better see how this plays out…I'm in no mood for making idle small talk, and I don't like revealing all my card hand just yet. Jeez, of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into **mine** . ..._

Besides, it was _none of her goddamn business_ why he was blue! He sure as hell wasn't going to spill his guts to Madame Man-Eater, regardless of how much wine was in him; loose lips were not a side effect of the sauce for him whatsoever, and he was sure _Siamese twins_ slept alone more often than the former detective did, so it wasn't like she'd be able to _empathize_ with his plight in the least!

In spite of his terse mental ramblings, since she was strutting her stuff so blatantly for him, in lieu of a response, Phoenix allowed himself to take a long, _leisurely_ look at the goods that were so aptly being displayed.

Hell, after all, not matter what his personal feelings were of this promiscuous tart, he _was_ still a _man_. And Angel, he noted, with some disinclined admiration, was most definitely _all woman._

Out of habit, his eyes fell to her man-hand to look for rings, and found none.

So no fella had made a respectable, honest woman of her yet, it seemed. He wondered how many boyfriends she still had on the roster, and why she wasn't warming one of their beds that night instead of the bar stool in this barely legal, obscure, hole in the wall.

Not that it mattered. Phoenix had _zero desire_ to be amongst her vast collection, which he instinctively knew, more sooner than later, joined an even _larger_ one of _discarded shattered pieces_ that had previously been _normal and unbroken_ men.

When Angel had first come into the crowded bar earlier, despite not immediately recognizing her, amongst a sea of disheveled regulars, all in tattered jeans and beer-stained shirts, she'd stuck out like a sore thumb from the crowd right away.

In her sleek, low-cut black dress, heels and fuzzy white jacket, she didn't really look like she belonged there anyway. She was like a man's fantasy bad girl from a Hollywood film, dropped onto the LA sidewalk. Sexy, dangerous and mysterious…like a sleek, prowling jaguar.

 _Heck, she's pushing 40 now…more like a_ **_cougar_** _, actually. But still quite a few years away yet from being dubbed a_ **_toothless mountain lion…_**

Undaunted by the brief interruption, Phoenix set out on playing his last melody of the night, _Ask the Lonely_ by Journey. It was one of the retro band's more obscure tunes, and if you didn't know the lyrics, which most people didn't, it was hard to tell how a poignant song it really was due to the misleading upbeat tempo. It was kind of like playing his secret sad thoughts out in public, unnoticed, he thought smugly, as he mentally sang along.

* * *

 _As you search the embers_  
 _Think what you've had, remember_  
 _Hang on, don't you let go now_  
 _You know, with every heartbeat_  
 _We love…Nothing comes easy_  
 _Hang on, ask the lonely…_

* * *

She spoke again just as he was rounding up to the final chorus, a grimace on her lovely face.

"Damn, I hate bourbon," she muttered darkly as she took yet another sip nonetheless.

Phoenix grinned to himself. You had to hand it to Angel, she was a persistent one, both with men, as well as deplorable-tasting alcohol. Oh well, kudos to her for toughing out the _watered down, vile, piss-water_ Tiffany had undoubtedly been pouring her. No doubt that was one of the only reasons she was still vertical and coherent!

"Yeah, I'm more of a _grape juice_ person, myself," he replied, downing the last of his bottle and rewarding her with a crooked smile. _Or so I convince my daughter, anyway…_

"Why'd you stop?" She asked, sounding disappointed as she gave him a lopsided grin. "I was about to start singing along."

"The song's over." Phoenix shrugged and looked pointedly at his watch, hoping to get the hint across without being unnecessarily rude. "And now, so is my shift."

He was just about to rise from his bench when Angel's voice stopped him.

"Play the chorus again, please," she breathed, coming over and leaning over the base of the piano, giving him a tantalizing glimpse down the low V-cut of her dress. "Play it for _me_."

Phoenix wasn't even going to _pretend_ not to stare, or try to do the proper thing and avert his gaze. What was the point? He was _several_ bottles past from feigning to be a gentleman, and Angel Starr…was absolutely _no lady_.

She had breasts more like a French actress rather than anything North American TV and movies had to offer. The tops caught the dim bar light, leaving the rest of her body in soft shadows. Angel strutted more than she walked, and was now leaning with her cleavage just inches from his face, without shame or false modesty, knowing her assets, her entire package, were bewitching to the eye, her perfectly proportioned and rounded curves well in conjunction with her sleek, athletic frame.

Phoenix's eyes were transfixed on the generous swells of creamy flesh threatening to tumble free from that plunging neckline, and decided it wouldn't exactly be the _worst_ thing in the world if they did!

What the hell…after giving him a sight _like that_ , if she wanted him to play again, and it extended his viewing pleasure a _wee_ bit longer, who was it really harming?

He shrugged and resumed playing the main chorus, awe-stricken when Angel began to sing along in her husky, throaty voice.

* * *

 _Hang on, ask the lonely  
When you're feeling love's unfair  
You just ask the lonely  
When you're lost in deep despair  
You just ask the lonely…_

* * *

 _She knew this song_? Phoenix was pleasantly surprised – he never would have pegged her for being any sort of music aficionado.

"I'm impressed. That's one of Journey's lesser known ditties." Reluctantly, an admiring smile crept over his face. "And you sang it with such _meaning_."

"You played it with enough passion for me to give it all I had. Definitely a man after my own heart," she purred. "You never answered my question, sexy. Why so blue?"

Phoenix's eyes narrowed, the brief moment of amiability now completely surpassed with the obnoxious reiteration of what he felt was _way_ too personal an inquiry to be asked. So, she was on _that_ again, was she? No doubt she was accustomed to such interrogations in her former line of work, and using her wiles to get people to _cough up_ details. The first invasive line of questioning could have been dismissed as mere cute curiosity if she'd taken the hint the _first_ time he'd refused to answer, but just like with her bourbon, Angel Starr obviously just _couldn't let things go_.

"Oh?" His smile faded. "What makes you say that?"

"Because I know men, honey." She remained in her leaned over position and gave him a sassy wink. "Happy guys don't play remote, sad 80's songs like "Ask the Lonely."

Subtlety wasn't going to get him anywhere with this broad, it seemed. So much for not trying not to be rude. It took all his self-restraint to keep from snapping: _well I don't know the piano well enough to play **Barracuda** by Heart and Maneater by **Hall and Oates** may have been a bit too close to the mark! How do you like them apples, Cough-Up Queen?_

"You're very presumptuous, lady," he replied instead, not even caring to hide his laconic tone. He was sick and tired of her games and was now even _less_ inclined than he'd been earlier to indulge in indolent chit-chat with her overly prying self. He didn't even care if she thought he was an asshole anymore. "Considering we just met, I can't say I care for that too much."

 _No wa_ y was he going to admit he knew her. Not _now_. She'd just thrown _that_ opportunity right out the window! Phoenix let out a mirthless chuckle as he abruptly slid back the bench and got up, preparing to stalk right past her and out the door.

He'd gone no more than a few feet past her when Angel's voice floated out to him again, the desperation in her voice as clear as day, even as he could tell she was struggling to atone for her slip-up and resume their friendly exchange.

"Usually I'm more of a wine or nothing gal, myself," she called. "But those won't get you drunk fast enough. So desperate times call for desperate measures."

He stopped then, and turned to look at her over his shoulder, the wry smirk back on his face.

"You seem to have had a _very_ desperate night, then. I would've guessed you liked what you'd been ordering all night."

"Guilty as charged." There was a forlorn expression on her face now, which she wasn't quick enough to hide from him, even as she dropped her gaze down at her glass, her full lips beginning to tremble, as though fighting back tears.

Phoenix was starting to feel like a complete shit-heel. Maybe Angel hadn't been intending to come across as overly pushy and invasive after all. She was obviously just upset about something, and had been attempting to drown her sorrows that night, while trying, albeit a bit too hard, to forge a connection of some sort with a man she thought was a friendly stranger. She couldn't possibly have known what a loaded question she'd been so innocuously asking him; had no way of knowing that he was more damaged goods than she could ever have imagined.

He felt an even deeper stab of conscience as she sniffled then, her long honey-colored hair falling into her face as Angel rose from the piano. She was obviously embarrassed, and tried to rush by him to the door so he wouldn't see her tears, but in trying to get past him, she stumbled slightly, her soft curves colliding with his body as she nearly lost her balance.

Instinctively, Phoenix reached out an arm to steady her, wrapping it around her slender waist, catching her just in time and getting a whiff of her fragrance as he did so.

 _Oh boy, for a broad who's pushing 40, I've got to admit, she's still_ **_mighty_** _firm…_

"Oops," she giggled. "How clumsy of me." She smiled sheepishly and continued moving past him, apparently still determined to beat him to the exit, pausing with her hand on the doorknob.

Phoenix had already started heading over to her when she spoke again.

"Sorry to have ruffled your feathers, handsome." She sounded both forlorn and contrite. "I was all sad to be all by my lonesome, and sought nothing more but the innocent pleasure of your company, but I see that it's impossible for you, even though you're now off the clock. When you finally relax, come find me, and maybe the offer will still stand...I'm in the phone book if you want to look me up. My name is…"

Phoenix had to stop her. He couldn't let her sadly leave like this, thinking he was a rude, unfeeling bastard, and moreover, that he was just a random pianist in a bar who'd slighted her advances.

 _"Hold it!"_ He was at her side now, catching up just before she pulled the door open.

The next thing she knew, he'd caught up to her within only a few strides of his long legs, his strong fingers wrapped around her wrist.

Angel tossed her hair so it fell fetchingly over one eye, smiling smugly to herself.

Phoenix caught sight of the smile she wasn't quick enough to hide, on the very face of the woman he'd just naïvely thought he'd brought to near tears just moments ago! Fuming now, his jaw tightened as he realized he'd been _played like a piano_ this whole time! His compassion completely fizzled, and was replaced by cold anger. He didn't know what kind of game Angel thought she was playing, but _he_ was going to end it.

Right _here_ , right _now_!

"You can stop the games now, Hiccup Heiress," he stated firmly. She spun at the alluding to her old title and looked at him with eyes that were wide with shock…and fear.

Good. He'd scared her, had he? Well she _deserved_ it!

" _H – ho_ w, _w- who_ …" she spluttered, losing her composure entirely as her eyes roved over his face, jaw set and eyes glinting with determination.

"It's been nearly ten years, but I know _exactly_ who you are, Angel Starr! _Take that_!"


	8. Private Eyes

_**Blindknyttstories:**_ _Again JP takes the reigns at writing since my hands are still recovering from using a Quill, so I'm sure none of you mind. Again I hope you all enjoy this chapter, written by the best author on fan fiction !No I'm not being forced to say that, it's not like a Pendulum is currently hovering above me.(It totally is, It's like a Pit and Pendulum situation here!)_

 _ **JP:** He's too kind! Of course, that could be because he just had some bread and water….*coughs*_

Time is a valuable thing. Watch it fly by as that pendulum swings… Anyhoo, this is the final Angel in the Outfield arc…as always, we love to hear reader feedback, and I hope I inspired some chuckles to go with the steamy content…

* * *

 **Chapter Eight:** **Private Eyes**

 _The Borscht Bowl Club_ – June 29, 2024

"Who _are_ you?" Angel cried, all pretense gone now as she pressed herself back against the door, which he was leaning his hand on now so she couldn't open it up and escape. His other hand was still clamped on her wrist. "How do you know me?"

Phoenix chuckled humorlessly. "You've been devouring me with your eyes and sending _fuck-me_ signals and yet you don't even know my name, do you, _Cough-Up Queen_?" His eyes raked her with scorn. "Tell me, would the offer still stand of I _wasn't_ some random man? Would you still be trying to make me to chase you down if you _knew_ who I was?" With that, he yanked off his aqua beanie, releasing his famous black spikes, which sprung free in their familiar fashion, smirking as recognition at last dawned on her face. " _Well_? Do you _still_ want a piece of me, now that you know who I am?"

" _Ph_ \- _Phoenix_?" She stuttered, looking stunned, but less horrified than he'd anticipated she would at being confronted with he of _forging attorney fame_. "I –I had no idea it was you! You're completely unrecognizable with that damn hat of yours!"

Phoenix glared at her as he yanked it back on.

"How _observant_ of you, _Captain Obvious_ ," he derided. "Did it _ever_ occur to you … that _may have bloody well been the point?!"_

Angel shrank back slightly. She wasn't used to men being angry with her. It unnerved her, even in her tipsy state. Her lips trembled, this time for real.

"S – sorry, Ph - Phoenix," she spluttered, attempting to smile then. "I'll bet you were wondering what a place like me was doing in a girl like this, right?"

He laughed harshly at her unintentional word mix-up. "Nope. _Couldn't care less_."

"B- but why didn't you just _say_ that you _knew_ who I was?" Angel struggled to understand.

"Because I wasn't in the mood to tell you that I didn't feel like being added to your vast collection of boyfriends!" He exploded at last.

"Oh _please_!" She snapped. "Don't flatter yourself! I wasn't going to _keep_ you! I just thought I'd _rent_ you for a couple of hours!"

"I am _not_ a male prostitute, Angel!" He glared at her disgustedly. "I may be disbarred, but I still have _some_ dignity I'll have you know! I haven't sunken _that_ low!"

 _Well, not_ _ **yet**_ _, anyway…Jeez, I wonder how much I'd even charge. Is it a flat rate? Hourly? Fee per service redeemed? Gah! My God,_ _ **why**_ _am I even having this conversation with myself_?!

"I didn't mean it like _that_!" Angel shrank back from the withering look. "I meant, er, you know…sort of like a movie rental…" she tried to speak lightly. "You know…make it a _Cockbuster_ , as opposed to a _Blockbuster_ night?"

"Video stores are over and done with," Phoenix informed her loftily, shoving past her and heading out the door. "And so is this conversation."

 _Cockbuster night indeed! Good grief, I can't believe I'm being hit on by someone who's an even_ _ **bigger slut**_ _than_ _ **I**_ _am! But that's exactly what I've been, a_ _ **slut**_ _,_ _ **not**_ _a_ _ **man whore!**_ _Last time I checked, sex was supposed to be free – also it's the only recreation we poor people can afford!_ _ **How**_ _can she make me feel so cheap_ _ **already**_ _… when I haven't even slept with her yet?! Wait,_ _ **yet**_ _?! How am I still even_ _ **considering**_ _the notion?! What the_ _ **hell**_ _is wrong with me?!_

"Phoenix, please, talk to me," Angel insisted, jogging to keep up with him.

"About _what_?!" He stopped and looked at her incredulously. " _What_ in _Christ's name_ is there left for us to converse about?"

 _Conversation is hardly your strong suit anymore, if it ever_ _ **was**_ _, lady! This entire time I've been wishing Tiffany had poured you a nice glass of_ _ **Shut the Fuck Up**_ _!_

"Well, um…" her mind raced for topics. "Since when… do you play the piano?"

"Since I lost my badge five years ago," he replied flatly as he stomped ahead, not caring if she followed or not. She ran after him, needing to take four steps for every two of his lengthy strides.

"Phoenix, wait!"

He halted after a few blocks and stared at her, surprised she hadn't taken the opportunity to buzz off. What on earth could she possibly want with him _now_?

"Stop it with the games, Angel," he said grumpily. "Don't pretend you hadn't heard about my disbarring. It was all over the TV and newspapers."

"I _did_ …" she answered hesitantly. "But I still don't see why that has to change anything with us…?"

Phoenix blinked. What _was_ with this dame? Wasn't she going to look at him in disgust and disappear, afraid he would taint her existence by associating with him, like all his other alleged friends and acquaintances had?

"Regardless of who you are, or what you do or don't do, you're still the hot piano player from the bar, are you not?"

He blushed and scratched the back of his neck. "Um, yeah, that would be me…"

"I was surprised how well you played, Phoenix, considering you were a lawyer by trade, not a musician. If anything, your playing seemed to _improve_ the more bottles of grape juice you consumed."

"That was _wine_ , not juice," he admitted, blushing an even deeper shade of red. "I tend to play best when I'm kinda drunk for some reason."

"Is that so?" Angel tilted her head to the side and flashed him a puzzled smile. "I saw you put quite a few of those away tonight! Are you really _that_ drunk?"

"It depends," he shot her an impish grin. " _Are_ you drunk if you um, actually _know_ you're drunk?"

Angel laughed then. It was a nice laugh, Phoenix realized.

"Can we start over?" She asked sweetly.

He looked at her blankly, and she flashed a dazzling smile.

"Hiya, handsome. Long time no see! I'm Angel Starr. In another lifetime, I was a detective, who then was fired and became a lunch peddler, and even named The Wright Way Lunch after you! Now I'm a _private dick_ , er, private investigator. And _you're_ a pianist, I gather?"

Phoenix's usual swagger fled faster than a gambler from a bookie. He swallowed. "Um, yeah. That's he. I mean _me_. Er, as you know, I'm Phoenix Wright, former attorney turned piano player." She smiled, eyebrows raised and extended a manicured hand, which he awkwardly shook, then dropped like a hot potato.

"So, Phoenix, shall we get out of here?" Angel drawled, her voice laced with meaning.

He shoved his hands into his pockets, suddenly unsure of where to put them. Shyness wasn't usually his gig. What the _blazes_ was going on here?

"Um, yeah. Where do you wanna go? I know some good places..."

"How about _yours_?" She purred, reaching up and lightly running a long fingernail down his cheek.

He shook his head. "My 13-year-old daughter has some of her girlfriends over tonight for an end of school year slumber party this weekend. We'd have an audience."

"Guess that leaves us with my place," she crooned huskily, leaning forward and pressing a teasing kiss on his lips. "I'm just a few blocks down, past that French restaurant. We can walk there. Are you in?"

Phoenix stood there as her penetrating eyes seemed to gaze into his soul; her one of liquid amber scrutinizing things inside of which he could only dream of seeing in himself. She was a mystery. A dangerously, beautiful mystery, and he was ensnared in the trap which she'd set.

"Yeah," he heard himself saying, as though in a daze. "Yeah, I'm in."

They walked the next little while in companionable silence, and he found himself relaxing somewhat as he studied Angel's pretty profile.

 _Maybe she's not so bad when she's not talking, because whenever she is, it makes me seriously want to make her shut the holy hell up, such as when she's saying shit that makes me feel like she wants a gigolo for hire, like when she's speaking_ _ **all too cavalierly**_ _about wanting to_ _ **rent**_ _me for the night…_

They passed a large bulletin board then, and Angel immediately began tittering when she saw the movie being promoted.

"Jeez, is that asinine shit _still_ around?" She gave an unladylike snort. "They're _still_ making _Steel Samurai_ movies? And in this one, he's doing a crossover with the _Pink Princess_ and they have a – what the hell? A _bronze baby_? Bloody hell, Phoenix, have you _ever_ heard of anything so utterly _ridiculous_?!"

"Not at all." Phoenix swallowed the sudden lump in his throat. "That's pretty…ridiculous…alright…" he couldn't finish the sentence. Luckily, Angel was too busy drunkenly prattling on to notice.

"I mean, it was one thing when it was a _kid's_ TV show!" She crowed, slapping her knee. "But come on, it's been like, what ten years now? Stop the stupidity already! Do you know that some overly _juvenile, emotionally-stunted, lame-ass_ alleged _adults_ actually watch this stuff?!"

" _Objection_!" Phoenix snapped, freezing in his tracks then and pointing his famous courtroom finger at the startled woman. "Watching the _Steel Samurai_ doesn't make you lame, Angel! Some people have just enjoyed watching it as kids…"

 _Like a certain overseas prosecutor friend of mine, who shall remain nameless because I seem to remember Angel had quite the hate-on for them!_

"…And _some_ …" he faltered, almost unable to get the words out. "Some people are just… young at heart…but that shouldn't make them subject to your _judgement and ridicule_!"

Angel stared at him for a moment blankly, and Phoenix wondered if he'd gotten through to her, but then she started howling again, wiping her streaming eyes as tears of laughter streamed from them.

"Silly me, I didn't realize who I was talking to!" She wheezed. "I get it now! I _know_ why you're so passionately defending this stuff!"

"Oh…" His mouth went dry. "Er, you do?"

"Yeah, didn't you defend Will Powers for murder? He's a friend of yours, right? That case was all over the media!" Angel wrapped an arm around his rigid shoulders. "I'm not saying the _actor_ is pathetic for doing the show, silly! He needs to make a living, after all, and beggars can't be choosers!"

Phoenix gaped at the woman next to him, wondering how she'd somehow succeeded in offending _him_ , _and several people_ he'd once known and greatly cared for, all in one breath – and _then_ , in her attempts to _atone_ for her aggravating commentary, only managed to make things _worse_!

Hell, to be fair, he _knew_ she was slightly drunk…

Angel began playing the _Steel Samurai_ theme music by noisily clanging on a nearby metal garbage can, all the while singing along to the beat.

"Dun, Dun, Dun, Dun Dun…DUN!"

 _Jesus Christ, is she_ _ **always**_ _this insufferable and obnoxious though?_

Hell, _he_ was drunk too, after all!

"And besides, the man has a face that belongs on the radio! It's not like he can be _picky_ about the roles he chooses!"

 _Unfortunately, I'm_ _ **not**_ _drunk enough to not realize that she's lucky she's hot, because I can barely stand her ass! All I want now is for her to just_ _ **Shut. The. Fuck. Up**_ _. Right this very instant!_

The darkness rolled up in his mind. He could have her right then and there. Turn her around, bend her over the low wall, and bang her fast and hard until her screams floated all the way to Olympic Avenue. He could urge her to her knees, twist all that shiny blonde hair around his fist and find out if she still stared at him, open and brave, while he pushed himself between her lips and jerked off in her mouth…

He gave his head a shake to stop himself from going down the dark spiral and abruptly yanked her into his arms. He kissed her harshly, crushing his lips savagely against hers, even as her fingers found the drawstring of his pants at his waist. But she pulled her head back.

"Softly, my friend," she whispered in his ear. "I'm no rough soldier's woman. The night stretches ahead; shall we squander it in impatience and haste?"

 _No_. She was right. Annoying as hell, but she had him there.

Kisses. He concentrated on kissing her, licking her, learning the taste of her lips and what made her moan. He'd do this right. Slow and hot and respectful, with no stumbling.

Yes, he still wanted to take her on a trip to _Camp Wannabangya_. But he didn't think he could withstand walking and talking with her for another _minute_!

"Angel, you're too damn sexy," he improvised quickly, grabbing her hand and dragging her across the street to the playground he'd just spotted. It contained a slide, a sandpit, several climbing frames, and a see-saw, all in the shape of various pieces of fruit. "I can't wait another minute to have you! We can go behind the slide!"

They ducked behind the apple-shaped dome that housed the slide.

"Ooh, a late night romp at Vitamin Square, you fiendish freak," Angel giggled and ran her hands up to his neck, pulling his head down towards hers. But instead of kissing him, her face took on a somber expression.

"Has it been really hard for you, losing your badge like that, Phoenix?" She asked him earnestly. "Do you ever miss the courtroom? Being a defense attorney?"

 _Seriously?! Is this her idea of foreplay?! Jeez Louise, what is_ _ **with**_ _this chick?_ _ **Why**_ _can't she just_ _ **stop talking**_ _?! I have never – in my entire life! – ever more wished that I were either_ _ **deaf**_ _or the other party was_ _ **mute**_ _, more than I am this very moment!_

Phoenix moved his thumb to touch the corner of her mouth and trace the full bow of her lower lip, effectively silencing her. "I don't miss it right now."

"Good." She stretched up on her toes, but even that only brought her mouth in line with his throat, and her lips brushed his collarbone. Heat threatened to consume him. His blood boiled and he felt himself harden. As irritatingly irksome as she was, Angel Starr had a _sweet_ set of lips.

Tonight, he wanted to be soft, slow. He wanted to kiss her knees weak and know what it felt like to have her tremble between him and the ground. Carefully, he cupped the back of her head. "Look at me."

She met his eyes boldly, without shying away, and it hit him almost as hard as her touch. He wasn't used to women looking at him this way. Throughout all his trysts with women, he'd tried to keep things hot, but impersonal, with them never really looking at each other. Not like this, open and without shame, daring the other person to see into them, through them.

Phoenix didn't want anyone seeing through him, so he was the one who broke, sweeping down to catch her mouth with his own.

She made an encouraging noise in the back of her throat as her lips parted and her hands slipped around him to tease just under the waistband of his pants. A heartbeat later, her tongue touched his, entwining, stroking, dancing inside his mouth.

 _Oh thank God, I finally found a way to shut her up that didn't involve any kind of uncomfortable or questionable moral deep-throating…_

His hands cupped her behind and fastened tight.

"Mmm-hmmm," he murmured, in what sounded like a combination of invitation and satisfaction, before letting go with one hand, the other sliding down her leg, evidently meaning to get hold of her skirt and bringing it up before moving it up her skirt, hot on the flesh of her thigh, groping swiftly upward.

" _Jesus_ , you're sexy," he breathed into the curve of her neck. "So goddamn _hot_. So beautiful...so...hmmm."

The next words were a mumble against her skin, but she thought he'd said "slippery." His fingers had reached their goal, and she arched her back in pleasure, her moans muffled against his mouth as he grabbed a handful of her skirt and shoved it out of the way so it was bunched around her waist. Then she felt his hand traveling up the inside of her thigh until he reached the elastic band of her panties. Undeterred, his fingers stroked with such expertise and purpose that she felt she was going to go over the edge right then and there.

Then he immediately reached around her, and grasped her by the shoulder. A quick heave, and she was lying on her back staring up at the distant stars, which were at once blotted out by Phoenix's head and shoulders as he rolled on top of her in a tremendous rustling of dry grass and loosened clothing.

Determined to make the most of this onetime encounter, she slipped her hands up his shirt, his skin taut and blazing hot beneath the tips of her fingers. Her flattened palms boldly explored the hard, defined contours of his chest, and when her thumbs grazed his erect nipples he released a deep groan of approval that bolstered her confidence and gave her a sense of feminine empowerment.

Phoenix pushed his joggers and boxers down to his knees – after what had happened with Franziska the last time, there was no way in _hell_ he was getting fully naked or removing any of his clothing! – and then at the last moment, remembered something vital. He wasn't _that_ drunk…and considering what he knew about Angel Starr, there was _no_ way he was going to charter his ship into… _frequently traveled waters_ without _reinforced protection of his …sails…_

He buried his face against her neck, the erotic brush of his breath against her skin arousing her all over again.

"Shit," he said in a voice that sounded like pure gravel. "I want you, but I don't have a condom…do you?"

"Do _I_ have a condom?" She let out a throaty chuckle and wriggled her hand free from under him to reach into her jacket pocket. "Pick one. I got red, I got green, I got yellow… I'm out of purple, but I do have one Gold Circle coin left… the condom of champions, the one and only… nothin' is gettin' through this sucker. Whaddya say, hmm?"

The relief in his gaze spoke volumes.

"A buffet of safety," Phoenix deadpanned, and kissed her lips again. "You're awesome."

"I'm a safety girl." Angel grinned. His compliment warmed her, spurred her, and she grabbed his firm rear with both hands to urge him on. "Hurry, please."

"Impatient, too," he gave amused chuckle, then groaned when she wrapped her fingers around his thick, impressive manhood and gave it a squeeze.

He cursed beneath his breath and pushed her hand away so he could sheath himself.

Then she pulled his head down and began nipping at his lobe, breathing hotly in his ear as his full weight pinned her to the ground, the stars spinning madly far above. Flesh met bare flesh, and then some. She gasped. So did Phoenix.

"Oh, _Lord_ ," he groaned. He paused, frozen for an instant against the sky above her as he probed at her entrance. She sighed in an ecstasy of whisky fumes, waiting for him to take her.

 _Lie back and enjoy it_ , she thought. The grass made a tremendous rustling-but there were other rustlings nearby, and the sound of the wind soughing through the trees in the playground was nearly enough to drown them all in sibilance.

Phoenix slid his hands under her hips, lifting her up towards him.

"Wrap your legs round me," he whispered, and nipped her earlobe with his teeth. "Wrap them around my back and hammer my ass with those heels."

Moved partly by an answering wantonness, and partly by a desire to squeeze the breath out of him like an accordion, she instinctively flung her legs apart and swung them high, scissoring them tight across his heaving back and locked her ankles around his waist, gasping in shock as he plunged, filling her to the hilt. He was so large that at first it was almost painful, but as soon as he began to move, she softened around him and unadulterated pleasure began to vibrate through her in overwhelming waves. They were both getting into the moment, indeed beginning to enjoy it _immensely_.

She didn't think it was possible for her go over the edge from just doing the deed alone, but _this_ man and his skillful stroking undulations were proving her wrong. The slick length of him, along with the granite hardness of his body straining toward hers, the demanding passion of his kisses, all were designed to send her right over the edge.

Sex with him was raw and primitive, unleashing an equally untamed side of her she never knew she possessed. She welcomed every frenzied lunge, every rough, driving gyration that pushed her higher. Fast and furious had never felt so good. Feeling as though she was spiraling out of control, she clutched at his shoulders, digging her fingers into the muscles of his back as an irrepressible tension spiraled tighter and tighter inside her. Like a dream-fueled fantasy, her mind fogged with lust and need, and she gave herself up to what her body was chasing.

He was as hot as a blowtorch, blasting and forceful with his hip ministrations while he alternately bit her lips and kissed her deeply. He gave an ecstatic groan and redoubled his efforts. Wantonness was winning; he had nearly forgotten where they were. He was just at the edge of glory when suddenly, out of nowhere, Angel released a very loud, _wet_ , sneeze, while _simultaneously_ , she expelled…an even louder _queef_.

At least, Phoenix _hoped_ it was a queef! All he knew was that it sounded as though a million ducks had landed in the area and the unexpected blaring noise emitted seemed to resonate an echo throughout the entire park. Before he could recover though, somehow, at this _exact, precise moment_ , Angel started pulsating and clamping around him, screaming: "Oh yeah, _Steel Samurai_! _Stab_ that _sword_ into your _Pink Princess_ , baby!"

" _Ngh_!"

The shocking mingling sensations made him jerk backwards, bare-assed, with his pants around his ankles, and catapult out of her with the speed of Rocky the flying squirrel from the _Bullwinkle_ cartoon being shot from a canon, while the _harrowing exclamation_ made the flustered Phoenix lose his grip on the condom. It whizzed through the air into the night, and he was so busy watching it become airborne that he forgot to keep a grip on _himself…_ and stream of his essence went sailing like a free fountain.

Right towards the face of Angel Starr.

" _Gah_! _What the shit_ , Phoenix, you just _jizzed_ into my _eye_!" Angel screamed, clapping a hand over the left side of her face.

Just then, Phoenix heard footsteps, and panicked, thinking it was another clothes-stealing four-legged bandit. He rolled on the ground, struggling to pull his pants back up when he heard a very familiar voice yell, through a _megaphone_ :

"Down on the hands! Floor on your head! Now now now!"

 _OMG, the freaking cops!_

Angel was laying on her back, one eye tightly shut, naked from the waist down, dress still bunched around her waist, and Phoenix was face down on the grass, bare butt up to the sky as the megaphoned voice came closer.

Then the officer was right upon them.

"S-Sorry! E-Excuse me, but I think I have to interrupt the party!"

That _stupid, agitating, grating_ voice. Phoenix knew it all too well…

" _Meekins_?" He lifted his head and looked at the other man in disbelief. "Didn't they fire your ass and demote you to bailiff five years ago?!"

Mike Meekins continued blaring into his megaphone even though he was standing at Phoenix's head.

"Sir! I'm back on the force! I've had to resume the starter rank of nighttime patrolman with parks and rec through General Affairs, sir! SIR!"

"Ow!" Phoenix winced. "I can hear you fine, Officer Meekins."

"Former Detective Starr," Meekins bellowed into his megaphone as he spotted the one-eyed Angel trying to pull down her dress and retrieve her modesty. "Is that you?"

"Yes, Meekins, it's me." She grumbled. "Stop yelling into that blasted thing, you'll make us go deaf!"

 _Now where was this guy ten minutes ago when I was praying for_ _ **just**_ _that?_ Phoenix wondered.

"I am a Police Officer and I should be running you both in for public indecency!" Meekins cried, dropping his megaphone. "That children's size play house didn't hide anything when you're grownup sized! I could _clearly_ see you committing the act of _lewd fornication_ in a public area _and_ I could still see your bare buttocks glowing in the dark, Sir! Also, we had several people reporting _loud, disrupting noises_ coming from this area!"

"Good grief…" Phoenix pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. _**Why**_ _must I always wind up with the_ _ **loud**_ _chicks who insist on_ _ **shrieking like banshees**_ _?_

Meekins was full of the dignity of his office.

"And don't think you can flirt your way out of this by _winking_ at me like that either, Ms. Starr!"

"Meekins, you bloody idiot! I can't _believe_ they let you back on the force!" Angel glared at him with her one good eye. "I got a _wad of goo_ shot into my eye and probably need medical attention! I assure you, I am _not_ winking at you!"

"Oh…sorry…" Meekins looked shamefaced. "Well, er…considering you used to be on the force…and all…" He blushed as he realized her skirt was still hiked up and averted his gaze to instead look at Phoenix. "I will overlook this people's complaint this time, and when confronted, I will pretend to not know anything about anything, sir!"

Phoenix heaved a soundless sigh. _I mustn't respond to that. It would be like shooting fish in a barrel…_

"Also ah, considering I also can't find my _ticket book_ …or my _pen_ at this exact moment…" Meekins frantically ran his hands over his uniform pockets and looked downcast with embarrassment. "I, er, won't give you guys a ticket and just let you off with a warning just this once…and tell you to be more careful in the future."

"That's mighty nice of you, Officer Meekins," Phoenix said with a miraculously straight face as he got up and checked to ensure his clothing was securely back on. "I suggest you run Ms. Starr to the ER so they can, um…tend to her eye…"

"I'm going to look like a _Pirate_ , cuz I'll probably need an eye-patch," Angel drunkenly slurred to Phoenix while supporting herself on Meekins' arm now, as the officer escorted her to his squad car. " _Yarr_! That's gonna be fun for me to explain! Hee!"

Before Phoenix could apologize for the misfire, Angel went on a fresh tangent.

"And hey, I'm a P.I! But thanks to _you_ buster, instead of _private eyes_ , now I'm just _a_ private _eye,_ get it?" She started cackling maniacally at her own wit. "So Meekins, admit it, you _enjoyed_ the show admit it! You liked what you saw, didn't you? _That's_ really why you're really letting us off the hook, right?"

Feeling almost guilty about leaving poor Meekins with that drunken _harpy_ of a _hyena_ – _almost_ , but not enough to gallantly offer to take his place! – Phoenix took that perfect opportunity to make his hasty exit, and _ran_ , not _walked_ the rest of the way home.

As far as Phoenix was concerned, if he never saw Angel Starr again, it would be too soon.

 _I swear on all that is holy…_ He vowed grimly. _I am never having_ _ **sex in public**_ _again! EVER!_


	9. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

_**Blindknyttstories:** Uh…So I'm still feasting on raw meat as this pendulum comes swinging down, so for this very special chapter please welcome the **FF writer AddiedeNaddie!** (Please help, I have so much to live for!)_

 _ **Addie:** Isn't that cute? Him and his made up stories of getting killed, so adorable! Ahem, anyway I want to thank Blindknyttstories and JordanPhoenix for allowing me to write this chapter for them, I hope you all think I do a good of job as they have been doing! *Sings happily as the pendulum continues its downward spiral*_

 _ **JP:** Yes…"made up stories" indeed… *coughs*. My alternate name proposed for this chapter was "_ _ **Starfish**_ _" due to my personal abhorrence to this particular pairing, but I was outvoted!_ _ **And in the end it doesn't even matter...**_ _:p  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Nine:** **Ghosts of Girlfriends Past**

 _Wright Talent Agency_ –November 22, 2024

He reached for his ever-present green bottle, lifting it to his lips and taking a huge swig, feeling the familiar sensation of the liquid trickle down his throat. Except this time there was no burn.

The familiar glass container in his hand was just grape juice now. Had been since that fateful day in September.

It'd been just over two months now since Phoenix had let a drop of wine, or any other sort of alcohol enter his system. It'd also been nearly half a year since the traumatic _misfire_ / _Meekins_ event with Angel in the playground. So he was running dry on _both_ ends. It was all good. He needed cheap wine, and even cheaper women, like he needed a hole in the head!

Phoenix was determined not to become a completely drunken wino and destroy his daughter's life so he'd done the responsible thing and found a satisfying placebo and found he'd almost immediately become addicted to his faux vino substitute. Initially he didn't even _like_ the syrupy fruit drink. But he soon found solace in the treacly sweetness and its consumption, while less detrimental than the harder stuff, still felt like a numbing ritual.

The consequences of overdosing on _these_ particular bottles, which piled up in his home – the slight initial nausea that fired up, dry mouth and the slight bloated feeling… all seemed a small price to pay compared to the heartache, shame and tears the wine had left him with in the end, and not even necessarily _his own_ …

 _The act of consuming the sick saccharine sweetness distracts me, immerses me in the present moment. I'm still an addict of the stuff – one is too many, and a thousand is never enough. But that's OK. Cost aside, there's no adverse bearing of this vice on Trucy, and the false cheeriness I can manifest whilst tripping out on its aftereffects probably makes me a more fun Daddy for her anyway._

Ultimately, the grape juice banished away all uneasy thoughts in his sole concentration on those feelings, possibly because of the massive sugar high. What a _boot to the head_ it would it be if in the liver-salvaging act of giving up the drunkard life, he wound up giving himself _diabetes_ instead?

 _Being sober suits me just fine. All alcohol ever did was make promises it couldn't deliver. I felt lost in its lies of comfort and oblivion. The only thing that was there after all drunken meandering for so long was pain and betrayal. It slowly seeped in how much of a fool I had been, living in my own dream world. I floated away from the fake promises and reality until I was just a lost star….until that incident with Trucy in September that made me realize what's really important in life._

Said incident was still too painful for him to think about. _Trucy_ may have forgiven him for what he'd done when he'd hit rock bottom, but it would be a long, long time before Phoenix _ever_ forgave _himself_.

Ultimately, the end result had been a blessing in disguise.

 _Why do blessings always wear disguises?! If_ _ **I**_ _were a blessing, I'd run around naked! Wait, maybe not…isn't running around bare-assed what got me_ _ **into**_ _this predicament in the first place?!_

Anyhow, once he'd ditched the liquid _amber_ like a bad date, Phoenix had finally decided he'd had enough! No more stumbling home a drunken mess to his beloved daughter, and he was sick of the consistently empty void left behind in his soul after each encounter, which only continually grew from constantly sleeping with every woman that came his way! He acknowledged he was just as much to blame for his gigolo behavior as the _thirsty femmes_ were; sure _he_ rarely _instigated_ things, but it wasn't as though he'd ever _denied_ their advances. And he was hardly a good parental role model if he was still a promiscuous _horn dog,_ even if he did quit being _booze hound!_

So he'd finally decided that if he was going to be a good father to Trucy, and maybe even have a partner to warm his _heart_ , not just his _parts_ , he would need to find a woman he _legitimately_ _loved_.

But…where would he start? Most women only seemed interested in nothing more than a one night stand with an allegedly hot hobo bum of forging attorney acclaim. Sure, sometimes he got _lucky_ – _in more ways than one_! – and they would welcome a second or third time (Tiffany _still_ made it clear she was happy to have another roll in the hay again _anytime,_ but he didn't feel like being a _human doodle_ again!), but never anything beyond that. Phoenix didn't know a single woman on the face of the planet that would want anything other than sex with him.

 _God, that realization makes me feel so dirty!_ He thought indignantly. _So used! So…so…_ _ **cheap**_ _!_

If he hadn't had a 13-year-old daughter to raise, he very well could have probably made more money being the gigolo Angel had made him feel like than he _ever_ had as a defense lawyer!

There seemed to be a turnabout in his luck, however, one autumn morning, when Trucy reminded him about her upcoming parent/teacher conference...

* * *

It started as a normal morning before school, like any other. Phoenix was idly flipping through old phone numbers of women he knew when Trucy sprung it on him after breakfast.

"Hey Daddy! I was wondering something?"

Phoenix looked up from his contacts book and smiled into his daughter's sweet face. Despite the fact his life was still shit, Trucy always brightened up his day. She truly was his light.

"What is it, sweetie?"

"The first parents/teacher conference is coming up and I was wondering if you would come? I know how much my teacher last year _loved_ talking with you!"

Phoenix reflexively recoiled at the words. Last Halloween, when he'd attended a parent/teacher conference, he'd thought his little girl was going to be exposed to the scary horrors, _of the world_ , too early! He _still_ couldn't believe the _predatory cougar_ disguised as an elementary school teacher, had not only tried to seduce him, but _in front of Trucy_ , no less! He _still_ hadn't decided what had been more harrowing – thwarting Ivana Hickey's advances, or that fact that it'd taken _forever_ for his daughter to stop calling him a _DILF!_

The poker shark shook his head sharply in an effort to vanquish the traumatizing memories as he looked into Trucy's hopeful blue eyes, which were silently imploring him to say _yes_.

Phoenix flashed a small, reluctant smile. "Of course Truce, I'll be happy to go."

Trucy grinned broadly as she jumped up and gave her father a big hug. Then she stood there, continuing to do her endearing little anticipatory bounce on her heels, causing warning signs to go off in Phoenix's head.

 _Why is Trucy so happy about me going to her parent and teacher conference? I hope it isn't because she wants to enhance her 'vocabulary'…_

The little magician finally settled down and giggled. "I'm so happy you're going to go Daddy! After I told my teacher who you were, she turned so red and sputtered for the rest of class! It was _so_ funny!"

Phoenix looked at Trucy curiously. So it seemed this teacher knew him. Perhaps it was an old acquaintance of his? He wracked his brain, trying to think back of all the females he knew, and he couldn't really see any of them being a teacher…save for perhaps Adrian Andrews. But he already knew what she (and her plastic body) were up to!

He finally decided the best option would be just ask Trucy who her teacher was. It wasn't as though it would be someone he had deep ties to, right?

"So Truce, er, who is your teacher?"

"Her name is Miss Iris! She's so pretty and sweet and nice!"

Phoenix eyes widened at the name. _No_ … it couldn't be who he _thought_ it was, could it?

Could it possibly be _that_ Iris, the same one he'd (accidentally) stolen her virginity from?

The same _saccharinely sweet_ Iris who, unlike her crazy (and even _crazier_ in the sack!) diabolical identical twin, was in contrast, _the_ most bland, boring, _starfish_ sex he'd ever had?! (and yet _somehow_ his dumb ass _still_ hadn't clued in that it wasn't Dahlia?!)

The same Iris who had nearly cost him his _life_ , because of said _damn crazy bitch_ of a sister?!

Phoenix could feel his hands shaking as he reached over, grabbed his coffee (his sole _other_ vice besides grape juice), and slowly lifted the cup to his lips as he tried to calm down. He looked back at Trucy, who was just smiling and glowing, and somehow got the feeling she was _expecting_ this type of reaction!

He finally mustered a smile, albeit _a very weak one._ "I…see. Well, um, I can't wait to meet her…"

Trucy giggled as she gave Phoenix another hug before planting a kiss on his cheek. "You're going to _love_ her, Daddy! The conference is tonight at six, by the way!"

Phoenix sighed soundlessly. He'd been hoping to enjoy his day off from work, but it didn't look like that was going to be an option. "Alright…Hey Truce, can you get me another cup of coffee?"

"Sure, Daddy! What blend do you want?"

"Blend #107…It's just one of my rules…"

* * *

Phoenix looked up at the clock and noticed that it was approaching 5:00. He would have to get ready soon so he could make it on time. Trucy had stayed over at the school to help clean up the hallway – something about _a magic trick gone wrong!_ – so he wouldn't have to worry about getting her ready. He sighed as forced himself off the couch, downed his cup of coffee, and made way to his room.

He surveyed his closet and frowned as he pushed back his old suits and looked at what was available. This was one of the hardest tasks…trying to choose what to wear for these things. He didn't want to show up in his everyday hoodie and beanie like a hobo. But he hadn't worn his customary blue suit in five years and didn't even know if it still fit the same, as he'd bulked up, muscle wise, quite a bit since due to his jogging. Besides, he didn't want to look like he was going to a business meeting, either. He finally decided on an old white button up shirt (which he was sure made him look like a _total_ geek), a pair of black jeans and black loafers.

 _If you're going to show up at a school, might as well look smart!_

Phoenix pulled off his clothes and changed into his new ensemble. The shirt was fairly loose on him, so he wouldn't have to worry about suffocating, but so were his jeans. He grabbed a belt to keep his pants up – God forbid if he had a wardrobe malfunction in front of one of the kids!

He finally dusted himself off and looked in the mirror as he ran a hand through his spikes. He had to admit, he looked rather good.

Looking back over at his clock…it still said it was 5:00.

 _Wait what!?_

Confused, he picked up his phone. It was _5:30_!

He panicked. It appeared his clock had stopped at the _worst_ of times! Which meant that now walking to the school was no longer an option.

Phoenix muttered angrily to himself as he leaned against the wall, contemplating what to do. He could _run_ , but that would mean he would arrive a red-faced, sweaty mess. He could call for a taxi, but he'd spent the last of his paycheck on a new vase for Charley. Finally, he decided the best thing to do was just have somebody come and grab him, and hope that _someone_ was available!

But of course with Phoenix's luck, _no one_ was free! He tried _everyone_ , yet they were all busy doing something! Gumshoe was busy with him and Maggey's new baby. Will Powers was busy leading a women's workout program. The jerks at the local prison _refused_ to allow Frank Sahwit to come pick him up, even with a police escort! And his best friend, who was _finally_ back in town from overseas, was… _getting_ busy… with Franziska, so it seemed…

 _That's the last time I ever want to hear Edgeworth moan mid-sentence…Gah! Why did he even pick up?!_

Phoenix groaned. He had no choices left. There was _no one_ else to come pick him, up other than…

 _No! Not him!_ _ **Anybody**_ _but him!_

Phoenix looked down at his phone with a mounting feeling of dread.

The _only_ man he hadn't tried yet was the Butz himself… _Larry_.

Phoenix slapped himself in the face. _Oh…Karma. Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? Because thou art a douche!_

Phoenix picked up his cell and slowly, oh so _very slowly,_ hit the call button.

After what felt like several long hours, Larry finally answered the phone.

"Hello! You have reached the most charming Butz in the land! It is I, Larry!"

Phoenix grimaced as he heard the voice on the other end. He was _already_ regretting this.

"Um…Hey Larry, It's …Phoenix. I was wondering if you could give me a ride."

"Nick, sweetie! How are you? It's so _lovely_ hearing from you!"

 _Oh Lord…_

"Um yeah, I'm good I guess…how are you?"

"I'm doing just _splendidly_ , Nick! Life has just been _fabulous_! I have been doing some acting recently and _Oh. My. God_! It is just _super_!"

"That's um…great…I guess. Anyway, Larry you think you could give me a ride to Trucy's school? I have to be there for an event."

"Of course Nick! That's what best friends are for right? Let me just give Jacob his homemade apple pie and I'll be there in five minutes!"

"Thanks. Alright see you…"

 _Who the hell is Jacob!? Wait, do I even_ _ **want**_ _to know?!_

Phoenix grunted at the notion as he gave his hair one final combing. Then he grabbed his keys and placed them in his shirt pocket before heading downstairs to wait for Larry.

Finally Larry pulled up in a…rainbow colored van with a giant teddy bear on top of it.

 _Right. Because it is_ _ **so**_ _much less mortifying arriving in_ _ **this**_ _garish contraption, as opposed to being slightly sweaty, had I decided_ _ **to make a run for it**_ _…is it too late for that?  
_

Cringing inwardly, he slowly sauntered to the van and opened the door. Larry was in his usual attire, although he was sporting a new pink hat. Phoenix sat down in the van and instantly smelled roses and perfume radiating within. It honestly reminded him of Trucy's last birthday.

 _Good grief, Larry didn't just_ _ **come out**_ _of the closet. He came_ _ **riding**_ _out… on a_ _ **neon pink Harley**_ _, with_ _ **sparkly rainbow tassels**_ _!_

Phoenix just nodded at Larry as he pulled away. Glancing at his phone, he noted that it was around 5:50, meaning he would get there just in time. The two men mostly stayed quiet during the ride, not that conversation was possible, given the loud Barbara Streisand blaring from the speakers! Shrugging, he absently placed his hand down on the door handle, and instantly felt something that was half sticky and half hard against his palm. Looking down, he realized, to his _absolute horror,_ that he had placed his hand on a _used condom_ , which was just _sitting there, out in the open_!

Phoenix let out a scream, causing Larry to look over at him with concern.

"Nick, whatever is the matter, darling?"

"What the shit! There's…. _a used fucking condom_!"

Unabashed, Larry looked over and merely _giggled_ , before reaching over and grabbing the offending item off the door handle and shrugging nonchalantly.

"Oh sorry about that dear boy! Guess I forgot to clean up after me and Jacob last night! My bad!" The newly outed man tittered with a coy smile.

Phoenix felt like he was going to vomit right there and then.

 _Jesus H. Christ! I just had_ _ **my bare hand**_ _on something that_ _ **Larry Butz**_ _had on his…_ _ **man**_ _ **parts**_ _when he…_ _ **released**_ _…or was_ _ **where the sun didn't shine**_ _! Or even_ _ **worse…it was both**_ _!_

Fighting back bile, he quickly pulled some Germ-X hand sanitizer from his pocket and emptied the entire contents of the small bottle onto his palms as he slathered his hands in it as Larry, on the other hand, merely smiled innocuously as he took the condom and casually _placed it in his pocket!_

Phoenix just shook his head as wondered _what in God's name_ had possessed him to call _Larry_ and not just smash Trucy's piggy bank for taxi money and just paid her back later!

His friend continued driving, having now switched over the music to Lady Gaga, while Phoenix closed his eyes, took deep breaths in an effort to calm down, and mentally cursed himself and his luck as he listened to the grating sounds of Larry singing along to "Born this Way".

 _"_ _Don't be a drag, just be a queen…"_

Finally, once the sing-a-long was over, Larry spoke, much to Phoenix's dismay.

"So, buddy, you want me to pick you and Trucy up when you're done? Y'all can even meet Jacob, if you want!"

Phoenix just opened one eye and regarded Larry with undisguised disgust. There was _no way in hell_ he would expose Trucy to _this_!

He just kept staring at Larry, who kept looking back at him with his same dumb expression. Phoenix at last gave a long-suffering sigh, knowing he would _have_ to reply.

"No Larry…That's alright…We can walk back… _Alone._ "

"Awe! Whatever you say, _Daddy_. I _totes_ get it! Me and Jacob are adopting a child next week, so I am all about understanding the need to spend quality bonding time with your kid!"

 _Mother of God, Larry, shut the holy hell up!_

Phoenix pulled out his phone and flipped through his contact list, hoping there could be _someone_ he could call as a diversion tactic, to negate the need for further asinine conversation with the _bumble butt_ driver! Unfortunately, no one really popped out at him for a quick chat. He reached into his pocket to grab his billfold …then, of course, he remembered. He mentally grumbled to himself how he kept forgetting he'd lost the damn thing after that whole _Where the Wild Things Are_ park fiasco with Franziska. He actually wondered what the hell happened to that wallet. Hopefully nobody _crazy_ had found it, as he'd had _everything_ about him _in_ it!

Finally, mercifully, Larry reached the school. Phoenix gave a quick goodbye and barely waited for the van to come to a complete stop before leaping out and slamming the door behind him, before Larry could say something else that would _make his innards curl_!

Looking at the place, it didn't seem like it had changed over the past year. Phoenix walked past several of the parents as he approached the entrance, earning a few looks and winks from the women – some whom were _with their husbands_!

He ducked his head with embarrassment as he dodged past them.

 _The DILF curse continues…_

* * *

Phoenix walked past several of the classrooms en route to Trucy's. The lights in the hallway were slightly dimmed, creeping him out a bit. He wondered how a middle school could give him the nighttime heebie jeebs, and scoffed at his foolishness, figuring it was just nerves. He finally made it to his daughter's homeroom, took a deep breath, and entered.

Quietly slinking into the room, he did a look around him, and then saw _her_ …Iris…sitting at her desk in the corner of the room, going over a few papers. Phoenix glanced at the clock and noticed he was about a minute or two early.

 _No harm in that_ , he decided, closing the door behind him.

Iris still didn't look up from her papers as he silently walked over before speaking.

"Good evening, Miss Iris."

Iris jumped, obviously not expecting any visitors yet, and was even more shocked to see Phoenix. The blood rushed to her cheeks as she sat there, gawking at the poker player, who in turn flashed a sheepish but reassuring smile at her, as though seeing his ex-girlfriend from another lifetime ago, who'd obviously been sprung from prison since he'd been disbarred, and was now his daughter's teacher, was an everyday occurrence.

Iris couldn't seem to make any words come out as she just kept gaping at her ex-boyfriend.

At long last, she was able to muster up the courage and words to speak.

"Uh…Hi…Fee-…Mr. Wright."

The two exes continued to stare each other in soundless discomfiture, until finally, Phoenix grabbed a chair and sat down in front of Iris, who just nervously watched his every move.

"So um…are you ready for the um…conference?" He asked at last.

"Huh…? Oh, um right the conference, I'm sorry um…Yes I'm ready."

"Alright, so how has Trucy been doing? Um…Good grades and everything?"

"Um…Yes, she has shown um…Good behavior skills and she is doing really well in everything, her worst subject grade wise is Science in which she has a C+ and her best grade is um…Reading with a A+."

 _That's my girl!_

"Well it's good to know she is passing everything. I want her to grow up and be successful and all."

"Ye-Yes Mr. Wright, that is um…correct…"

The pair again entered into their awkward silence as they just sat there, with Phoenix drumming his fingers against his knees and Iris fiddling with the buttons on her dress.

"So uh…You said her behavior is good…?"

"Yes…She um…Goes out of her way to…Help the others when they are down and she um…Treats everyone well, and she loves to make new friends and…tell…stories…"

"What…Kind of stories?"

"Just stories…to cheer others up. She likes to talk about your court cases. She tells them about how you defeated the Evil demon known as Manfred, hee-hee…."

"Yeah, heh-heh. I guess she loves my lawyer stories so much, she's decided to tell them to others. Did she mention the time I cross-examined a parrot?"

"Yes…but I thought she was exaggerating. Um…She likes telling others about how you saved the Steel Samurai and how you…saved me…."

"I…see…."

"She also talks about how she wants a mother," Iris burst out. "She rambles on and on about how even though you're not a lawyer anymore, you still care for her and she hopes you try to find her a new mommy and…and…"

Phoenix saw the tears forming in her huge doe eyes, and reached across the desk to pat her gently on the hand.

"Iris…" he said softly. "Please don't cry. Everything's alright."

"And those are my favorite kind of stories because they remind me you haven't changed at all! You're still the same loving man who went everywhere with a smile! You never judged anybody, and you defended almost everyone! You didn't hate me for me deceiving you and…and…" Iris's lips began trembling as she struggled to continue to talk.

Phoenix finally had had enough. He quickly rushed around the desk and wrapped his arms around the crying woman, who immediately began sobbing in earnest against his chest. He gently stroked her satiny dark hair while she continued to weep, her tears dampening his shirt. Finally she raised her head and looked up at him, her beautiful eyes still sparkling with tears. He was touched by the emotions he saw swirling in their mocha depths.

"Iris…I was one of the luckiest men on earth to get a chance with you. I hope you know that…"

Iris just kept staring up at him as the tears continued to roll down her face.

"Oh…Mr. Wright….Oh _Feenie_!"

"Shhh. It's OK," he whispered.

She stirred in his arms, unsure of what to say or do as she looked deeply into his eyes, but then he squeezed her waist and slid his hands up to caress the back of her neck, in a gesture she'd always found soothing in the past.

It still worked now.

Her sobs stilled as her hands gripped his strong upper arms. His skin was smooth and warm.

Phoenix responded with enthusiasm and wrapped one arm around her waist, crushing her against his hard chest, while his other hand slid up to cup the back of her head. For the briefest of moments, she let herself delight in his embrace. But, then, she remembered their past. Instead of making her happy or blissful, as being in his arms again should have, it made her sad.

Iris turned her head to the side and tried to draw away slightly, but he kept his arm around her waist and placed a finger under her chin, titling her face so she'd look at him. He watched her expression quietly for a moment, and her eyes once again filled with tears. One rolled down her cheek and dropped to his hand.

"I'm sorry me holding you isn't as comforting as I'd hoped it'd be." He smiled tenuously. "Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for."

Iris gazed up into the memorable sapphire eyes, seeing no resentment or anger, and finally saw a light flicker behind them as he looked down at her, that familiar smile spreading across his face.

They stayed there like that, gazing at each other, and for now Iris was no longer feeling anxious or worried about what Phoenix was thinking. She was just happy, held in his eyes, buoyed up in a warm, bright place.

Phoenix wasn't sure if he kissed Iris because he'd wanted her to stop crying. Or it might have been the easiest way to show her that he wasn't who she thought he was, that there might actually be some hidden depths to him after all in spite of losing his badge. Or simply to let her know he bared her no grudges or any hard feelings.

But kiss her he did.

One moment they were standing in that classroom, the desk between them, the next moment they were kissing. People always said, ' _And then, like, the next thing he/she knew, they were kissin_ g,' and that never computed. Because there _had_ to be a thing before the kiss.

But this time, there really wasn't.

It was just him, Phoenix Wright, kissing Iris Hawthorne. And Iris Hawthorne was kissing him right back.


	10. Mr Ass Fire

_**Blindknyttstories:** Well here is part two of Addie's chapter, I would have written this but um...I'm kinda busy digging a hole with a spoon now (I was able to escape the pendulum) so um, Yeah I'll see you next chapter!_

 _ **Addie:** I hope you all enjoy the second part of this special chapter I wrote! I won't be writing anymore after this so I thank my good friend JP for inviting me over to help write and watch Blindknyttstories suffer :D...Hey are we missing a spoon?_

 _ **JP:** *rummages through cutlery drawer* I was toying with calling this chapter Sex on the Beach…Is a Better as a Drink… but...hey what's in a name? An Iris by the same name would be just as sweet – diabetes-inducing really –…ugh, Feenris… gag me with a bulldozer…(this is not a knock on my dear friend who did a great job considering whom she had to work with!)  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Ten: Mr. Ass Fire**

 _Palm Springs_ – December 14, 2024

It had been three weeks since the parent and teacher conference. Since then, Phoenix and Iris had started talking to each other more, and agreed to give their romance another chance.

Life had been pretty good since then. He now had someone to go to when Trucy was at school or work, and he enjoyed it. But something inside of him still felt – listless, empty. Phoenix just guessed that it was because he hadn't had a girlfriend for so long it didn't feel right yet.

 _I feel lost and confused, but happy – no, not quite happy, but content. And certain. I am like a ball of tangled yarn. The parts that are untangled are available, useable; the rest is a mess, useless until it is untied. That mess feels endless and at most times unyielding._

Phoenix opted to just ignore these conflicted emotions and niggling voice in the back of his head, and instead decided with Christmas break coming up, to take Trucy and Iris somewhere where they both could enjoy…The beach!

 _Palm Springs, here we come!_

His daughter was ecstatic about going. Phoenix had been blessed thus far with her. Although now a teenager, Trucy still hadn't reached the stage where she was embarrassed hanging out or being seen with her old man and didn't enjoy their time together. She loved the idea of playing in the water all day, and welcomed any opportunity to spend entire days with her Daddy.

Iris, on the other hand, didn't really know how to feel. Sure, she could enjoy some time with Phoenix, but she didn't want to shirk her shrine maiden duties back at Hazakura Temple, which she still had on weekends. Also, as Trucy didn't know about her and Phoenix yet, she was uncertain about what excuse to use to Trucy about Phoenix bringing along her teacher on a father/daughter getaway.

In spite of her misgivings and guilty conscience about reneging on her nun tasks, Iris ultimately agreed to go along. Sister Bikini gave her wholehearted blessing and insisted Iris to take a vacation.

"Ho-Ho! Oh, I don't blame you, child! Go enjoy! Sister Bikini understands the temptations of young men…and the appeal of wanting to frolic on a beach _in_ a bikini during winter break rather than spending free time with a shrine maiden who's only _named_ after one!"

Trucy actually didn't at all seemed surprised when Phoenix told her Iris was going to tag along. He lamely used the explanation Iris would be helping her study to bolster her barely average Science grade while they were away, but Phoenix got the feeling Trucy knew that wasn't the real answer.

Thankfully, the little magician, who often had accompanied her father during his poker tournaments and helped ensure his still-perfect victory record with her "special talents", was good at not only keeping secrets, but knowing when to keep her mouth shut in general. If Trucy _did_ see though Phoenix's flimsy excuse, she didn't say a word.

When they arrived at the beach, Phoenix instantly did a scouting and ensured they were away from _all_ teenage boys, and also made sure that any other boys that were around were within his sights at _all_ times!

 _Mental note to self - ask Trucy about that Brad guy from her magic camp…_

As Phoenix set up the umbrella and chairs, Trucy looked at Phoenix and Iris and smiled sweetly.

"Hey Daddy, can you and Miss Iris go and get us all ice cream?"

Phoenix looked at Trucy before looking at all the other boys milling around and raised an eyebrow at his daughter, who wore a look of complete innocence.

"And _why_ , pray tell, does _Iris_ have to come along, Missy?"

"Because she wouldn't have anything to do if she stayed here!"

"She could talk to _you_!"

"Well I guess, but Jinxie is here with her dad, that's actually why I wanted to come today, so I could see her!" Trucy pointed over to her right, and sure enough, there was her friend Jinxie, and her _extremely_ muscular father, building a sand castle together.

Phoenix sighed at his dilemma. He did want to hang out with Trucy, but was also happy to see that she had friends here as well to keep an extra eye on her in case he and Iris wanted some time alone.

He hoped the sight of Jinxie's large, imposing father would be enough of a deterrent for even the most _determined_ of _pimply-faced, adolescent walking hormones_ …er, _teenage boys_ , from getting any _ideas_!

Iris's smiling visage indicated she liked the idea of stealing away for a spell. He returned the smile, and nodded his permission to Trucy, who squealed excitedly before running over to see Jinxie.

Phoenix grabbed Iris's hand as they walked towards the Ice Cream Bar together.

* * *

As the couple walked towards the Ice Cream Bar, they had to take a detour because Iris needed to use the restroom. While on the way there, Phoenix glanced over at Iris and he had to admit, she was looking _pretty damned hot_ in that _bikini_! Normally he didn't like objectifying women, even mentally, but _hell_ , he hadn't had sex in _six months_! It was like waving a steak in front of a ravenous lion and then daring him to not have his mouth water!

 _A much sexier sight than say, **Sister Bikini** in a **bikini**! Ugh, why did I even **do** that to myself?! Need brain bleach! ...I've gotta think of kittens...or something…_

Or he could just look back at the sight of Iris in her two-piece to dispel any further thoughts that made his _balls jump back up inside his body_!

The swimming attire nicely complemented her curves, and she didn't have too bad a set breasts either! ( _Hers_ , he could tell, were the real deal!) She also had a pretty _fine behind_ , too, even if it wasn't the most bootylicious one in the world. He knew this shouldn't be new to him, considering he _had_ taken her virginity, but his memory wasn't as good as before! After all, his mind had been naught but a blurry fog of visions since his disbarring.

 _Personally, I blame the wine…_

They eventually reached the restroom. Phoenix already began to look for something to do while he waited when Iris suddenly pulled him behind the place. He gasped, startled.

"Iris? What the hell are you doing?"

"Shhh! I know a great spot away from everyone, Feenie! It's an amazing sight to behold!"

Grasping his hand firmly, a determined Iris pulled Phoenix further away from the crowds, to the point where he couldn't see anyone else on the beach _at all_!

He was beginning to get increasingly worried.

 _What if Iris is like her deranged sister and her time in prison turned her into a total psychotic wacko who wants to get revenge on me for some reason?!_

They finally reached a high sand dune that overlooked the beach, where Iris dropped onto the sand and motioned for Phoenix to sit beside her. As he obliged, he was about to ask why she'd brought him out here when she just pointed into the horizon. Phoenix looked across the ocean and was mesmerized at the breathtaking view he saw; the shore was a graceful arc of sand, glittering under the summer sun, a place for a placid ocean to lap. The waves rolled in with a soothing sound, the salty water a brief flurry of sand. Every few meters of so lay a shell, a treasure of the aquatic world just out of reach, and the footprints they left behind were soon erased.

"Wow…" He breathed. "Iris, this is amazing! How did you know about this?"

"Well, I told one of my friends I was coming here, and they told me about this spot right behind the restroom! This is actually where her boyfriend proposed to her!"

"Well I can see certainly see why."

The pair just sat in companionable peace as they watched the sun on the water. Iris was the first to break the silence.

"Aww…Isn't this romantic Feenie?….Huh… _Feenie_?"

"Ngh! Oh my God get it off! Get it off!"

Stunned, Iris looked over and was horrified to see Phoenix was rolling down the sand dune, howling in pain as a sand crab had snatched onto his _ass_!

Her hands flew to her mouth. "Oh no! _Feenie_!"

Iris got up and ran down the dune trying to catch up to Phoenix who was having a battle of life and death with the damn, merciless crab! She finally caught up to him and helped pull the crab off of him…with a lot of trouble! The blasted crustacean was hell-bent on staying latched onto Phoenix's butt cheek, and it took every bit of Iris's seemingly non- existent strength to pull it off!

Finally, after what seemed like eons, Iris was able to rip the stubborn critter off and throw it back into the ocean. She knelt beside Phoenix, who was still clutching his ass, his face red and scrunched up in pain.

"Feenie! Are you OK?"

"Oww….!" He grunted, eyes still scrunched tightly shut. "I think that blasted thing took a chunk of my skin with it!"

"Here, let me see." Iris pulled down Phoenix's shorts enough to see where the crab had pinched and, luckily, it just left a claw mark with tiny bit of blood; no flesh had thankfully been taken off. "I know that probably still smarts, but no skin is gone thankfully. All of your bum cheek is still intact."

"Still…I sure as hell won't be able to sit for weeks…"

"Um…Here let's go sit under that palm over there! It can provide some cool shade while you lay on your side so that can heal." Iris helped him up and assisted him over to the tree. Phoenix yelped in pain the entire way, but he was finally able to make it over there.

"Ugh…I don't even know how that cursed thing got under me…"

"Crabs like to bury in the sand, I guess it was already buried when you sat down, and it decided to make you move."

Phoenix just groaned as he sat on his one butt cheek that _wasn't_ on fire and supported himself back against the tree, while Iris leaned against the tree and stroked Phoenix's hair.

After a while Iris got up and carefully positioned herself onto Phoenix's lap, ensuring she wasn't hurting his bruised side, and that he was still comfortable. He just groaned, although more quietly now, allowing her to place a kiss on his forehead and stroke his hair. "It's OK Feenie…I'm here."

Phoenix just gave a small laugh as he reached up and wrapped Iris in a hug, earning a giggle from her. She then bent down and placed a kiss on his lips, which he eagerly returned as he held her tighter. The two remained locked in their heated embrace as their tongues danced together, battling for lead position. Lost in the moment, an uncharacteristically emboldened Iris pushed against him backward as the kiss went on, neither of them noticing as he fell back against the tree, atop which rested a beehive.

Phoenix had never had anything but great reverence for bees in his life. Bees are holding a friend's hand as you walk through the clover-rich grass, knowing that she will keep you safe from stingers. Bees are seeing black and yellow in the garden, becoming a statue so they won't notice, and hearing nature in its closest form because you accidentally took a moment to listen. Bees are the watermelons that drip cold juice down your chin in the summer and the blossoms that make them. They are the flowers you give to your lover and the hum in grassy fields. These pollinators may sting, but they do honey-sweet things for us. And all the while there is a buzz from the hive, a communal chorus of workers cooperating on their only mission; feed and protect the hive and the queen.

In short, bees were not nefarious pests that bothered human in general, and were nature's much needed necessity to the ecosystem. They only tended to get angry when they perceived any sort of threat to their home or said beloved queen.

And, unfortunately for Phoenix, there was a loose bee hive in the palm tree, and the act of hitting the trunk caused the entire hive to come crashing down! The beehive came crashing straight down with a heavy _thunk_ , striking a poor, stupefied Phoenix right on top of the head! His stunned, agonized yelp only further angered the bees, who then began violently attacking in unison and stinging him all across the body! Iris was lucky the bees didn't go near her – their attentions were solely focused on the disrupter of their home to feel their combined wrath! The teacher fell off of Phoenix and screamed helplessly as she saw the bees attacking him.

His buns still burning from his previous injury, Mr. Ass Fire shrieked as he made a _beeline_ towards the water in an attempt to thwart his merciless attackers, but to no avail.

Between Iris's high-pitched squawks and Phoenix's own loud, tortured ones, an onlooker would have been convinced the two were murder victims in a grisly horror movie!

Poor Phoenix continued to get stung relentlessly no matter how fast he ran, and screeched impotently the whole time, as the bees weren't letting up the chase! It was only when he finally made it into the water and that he was able to escape the rest of the bee's wrath.

Iris ran into the ocean to find her boyfriend, and at last found him holding his breath underwater, still trying to avoid the bees. She pulled him back up to the surface of the water as he spluttered and gasped for air. He had angry, red blisters all over from the bee stings and looked in a horrible state. She hated seeing him like this, and tried to help him out of the water (which wasn't easy, as she couldn't really touch him because of the rapidly forming body blisters), and onto dry land.

Phoenix fell down breathing heavily and in pain…lots of _extreme pain_! He felt as though he'd just died and gone to hell! He felt the same all-over agonized sensations of feeling like he'd just got shot by a tank, stabbed with a scorching fireplace poker, and as though he'd just been betrayed by Dahlia all over again!

Iris sat beside him and rubbed his hair, she felt extremely sorry for him and thought that all of this was her fault.

"Oh…Feenie I'm so sorry…"

"It-It's…alright…"

"I should have never took you out here! It's all my fault all this bad luck happened to you!"

"Trust me, Iris, my bad luck started back when I lost my attorneys badge, so don't sweat it." He sighed. Pushing himself up off the ground, much to the objection of Iris, and Phoenix stood up. "Come on, let's go get that ice cream."

Phoenix extended Iris his hand and forced himself to smile, despite his discomfort. Even with all the pain currently flowing through his body, he was still determined to get that ice cream, come hell or high water, _goddammit_! She smiled back hesitantly and took the proffered hand.

As they were walking across the shoreline, Iris decided to walk next to the ocean so the salt water didn't make the blisters worse on Phoenix.

They continued walking and talking, so lost in one another that both of them failed to see a stray jellyfish that had washed up on the beach, until it was too late.

Iris walked over the gelatinous sea creature, completely oblivious to what she'd done until a searing thunderbolt of agony jolted through her, creating an enormous, tell-tale welt immediately on her foot.

"Oooowwwww!" She cried suddenly.

"Iris! What's the matter? What happened?"

Iris fell down onto the sand, clutching her injured foot. Phoenix looked over in disbelief at the sight of the jellyfish. He found a nearby stick and used it to throw it back in the water, then bent down beside his girlfriend, who was still holding onto her foot as tears of pain flooded her eyes.

"Iris, are you alright!?"

"Ow…Feenie…you're going…going to…" She whimpered in pain and embarrassment and squeezed her eyes shut.

"Yes, Iris?" He prompted.

"You going have to _pee_ on it!"

Phoenix froze and looked at Iris.

 _What did she say?! I'm going have to **piss** on her!?_

"I have to do _what_ now!?"

"You're going have to _pee_ on it!"

"But…I _can't_! I get _stage fright_ if someone's watching me!" He protested, his cheeks flaming. "I can't even go at the urinals in the men's room – I always have to duck into the stalls for privacy!"

"Wah! But it's the only way to stop a jellyfish infection from spreading!" She wailed.

Phoenix just looked at her with disbelief. She couldn't be serious, could she?

" _Please_ Feenie! It _hurts_!"

Phoenix still couldn't believe what he had to do. First, he looked around to make sure nobody was around. Then he made Iris shut her eyes and turn her head.

"No peeking!" He exclaimed as he slowly pulled his dong out and, in total awkwardness, aimed right at Iris's foot. He looked down at her and she just nodded, he did one more look around, and unloaded.

Phoenix couldn't even look down as relieved himself onto Iris's injured foot. This truly had to be _the_ most awkward moment of his _life_!

And _this_ was coming from a man who had been found hiding in women's bathroom, been busted publicly fornicating by a psycho with a cleaver, _and_ misfired into a woman's unsuspecting eye!

Finally when he was done, he still couldn't look down.

"So um…Did that help…?"

Iris looked up and Phoenix and bit her lip. "Oh…You _bet_ it did…"

Phoenix looked at Iris, who had a wicked _glint_ in her eyes while now licking her lips.

"Um…Iris…?"

"I don't know why but…that _really_ turned me on…"

Phoenix just stared at Iris incredulously.

 _What the shit?! She can't be serious, can she? Like seriously?! My formerly virginal girl-scout ex-girlfriend, turned **nun** …turned current girlfriend…is now into golden showers?! Can we blame this turnabout of new-found freaky madness on her stint in prison…or her being Dahlia's twin?!_

"Um…Let me get this straight…" he said slowly. "Me urinating on your foot, which was just stung by a jellyfish, mind you, _turned…you…on_ …?"

"Oh you bet it did." Iris moved her eyes down to Phoenix's exposed anatomy and just smirked as she moved forward, grabbing it in her hand and causing it to stiffen.

"You know Feenie…I really enjoyed our first time all those years ago…" she murmured, sinking on her knees down onto the sand. "What say we go about seeing if we can recapture that magic moment…?"

Her lips soon followed the path of her hands, causing him to twitch at the unexpected sensation.

After all, this was the same uptight _starfish_ who had always insisted the lights be turned off at all times, had only liked it in missionary position, and hadn't touched _that_ part of him with neither her hands nor mouth in the past!

Ergo, this impromptu lap-loving was _so_ not what he'd been expecting to happen on this vacation, and he definitely wasn't expecting this just _three weeks_ into the relationship!

This _nun_ had come a long way from her _habit_ days that was for sure!

Iris took all of him into her mouth then, vigorously moving it up and down before looking up and smirking at Phoenix, who could be seen clenching his fists and sweating.

She started using her tongue on Phoenix then, who would be enjoying himself so much more…had it not been for the _teensy, weensy detail_ of him having _just pissed on her foot_!

Iris continued her oral gratification ministrations while simultaneously reaching back behind her and undoing her bikini bra – much to the appreciation of Phoenix, who'd had more than his share of troubles getting the pesky things off recently! _–_ before completely taking it off and throwing it off to the side.

She used her free hand to trace up Phoenix's chest while she continued her work…tweaking his nipples, which was normally an erogenous zone for him, were it not for the issue of currently being still painfully blistered from the bees!

Therefore, it was _hurting_ him _way_ more than it was making him _horny!_

Phoenix finally reached down and intertwined his fingers with hers, a gesture which appeared to be tender…although that was mostly to stop her from constantly hitting his blisters! His lower lip was nearly _bleeding_ from biting it to stifle back the pained whimpers!

At last, Iris gave her mouth a rest and rose to her feet. Then, without warning, she promptly jumped up and crashed onto him, kissing him with renewed urgency.

Phoenix tried to return the kiss, but her weight on all his blisters made him feel like he was getting shot over and over again by fiery cannon balls! Iris pressed her lips harder against his, swallowing his agonized moan of protest at the searing sensation.

Finally she pushed up off of him with a sly look on her face as she reached down and started to undo her bikini bottom. She whipped it off and threw it to the side revealing her, _rather bland_ , body in full view.

Phoenix looked her over and while she didn't look _bad_ , her bikini defiantly made her look more _attractive_ …somehow….Possibly because the push-up, padded top had made _certain parts_ of her look more… _voluminous_ and the high-cut bikini bottoms had possessively hugged her derriere so that it had given more of an illusion…there was more of a booty there than…what appeared to be a _crack in her lower back_ for an ass instead…

His lover smirked, obviously taking his surprised look for appreciation, as she started planting kisses on Phoenix's chest again, an act which made him clamp a hand over his mouth, not because he was moaning in rapture, but because the _pain was so bad it would wake all of China if he screamed_!

Iris finally stopped and took Phoenix's hand over his mouth of a sign that he liked what she was doing – _really, he **so**_ _didn't_! –and moved her hands under him to cup his bottom. His momentary gratitude that she was no longer ruthlessly _hitting all his blisters_ , was instantly vanquished as he instead felt a _world of pain_ when she grabbed the tender spot on his ass that had been _bitten by the damn crab_!

Once again, Phoenix's ass felt like it was fire, and when Iris squeezed it, he was certain he was going to break out crying like a newborn!

Undaunted, and blissfully oblivious to his plight, Iris deftly kneeled over him, positioning her bottom half right over his pelvis and joined herself with him, earning a moan of pleasure from her and a _moan of agony_ from Phoenix! She enthusiastically started bouncing up and down on him, causing him more searing, white-hot pain than that one time Trucy's magic prank went wrong and he was _struck in the family jewels_ with a _spring-loaded boxing glove_!

Iris merrily continued to vigorously do her porn-style cowgirl imitations, all the while hitting the blisters that were around his groin area while making his ass bounce up, and then crash down heavily onto the packed sand, causing the bite mark to intensify in pain.

In other words, Phoenix's poor, abused bottom half felt like it was currently battling in World War III right now!

 _Oh Christ, I think I just felt sand go up my crack with that last thump! Gah! Yup, I did!_

Ripping another page from the porn section, Iris clasped her hands over her modest bosom, attempting to squeeze them together to create tantalizing cleavage. When that didn't work, she contented herself with tweaking the twin peaks and continuing to issue small, blissful moans.

Phoenix, on the other hand, had gotten to the point to where tears were just rolling down his face. Iris looked at him tenderly, no doubt thinking they were tears of emotion, when in actuality he was _hurting so badly now_ that _all_ he wanted was to be _held by his mother_!

So indeed, while his eyes were indeed watering from pain, it was also due to the even _more_ aching fact of acknowledging that, despite all the time that had passed since their last rendezvous, hooking up with Iris Hawthorn _still_ felt like having _sex with a starfish_ … make that a _jellyfish,_ because all he felt was a _painful, stinging sensation_ all over!

 _Oh Jesus, it was so much better with her crazy bitch sister….Lord, I am a **freak of a man** to be thinking of that she-devil at a time like this… I can't even blame the wine this time…although no doubt it would have helped numb this god-awful pain…!_

"Oh… _Dollie_!" The words came flying out of his mouth before he could stop them.

" _Feenie_!" Iris stared down at him, flabbergasted. " _What_ did you just say?"

"I said, _oh…Golly_ …I'm almost there…!" He bit his lip hard to keep his mouth shut after that and winced as Iris seemed to buy that, and continued her joyride.

Through all the pain, Phoenix didn't even notice that he was about to explode – whether it was from pleasure, or just his body doing it in hopes Iris would stop, he didn't know! He tried to warn Iris but it was too late. Mercifully, his release seemed to trigger hers, earning a scream of joy from Iris as she collapsed on top of him, earning another grunt of pain from Phoenix, although he was _ecstatic_ that she was _finally_ done using him as a human trampoline!

"Oh…Fe-Feenie…That was…Amazing…." She rasped, breathing heavily.

"Yeah…Sure was…" he agreed weakly.

 _Not!_

Phoenix and Iris just lay there, catching their breaths. Then, just when the pain was starting to go away, Iris jumped back up on Phoenix, causing the vicious shockwaves through him again as she winked at him.

"So ready for that ice cream now?" She asked, completely mindless to the painful cycle she'd just caused him, yet _again_!

 _This is **so** not going to work_! Phoenix's mind frantically screamed at him, refusing to be ignored this time. _You've already kicked the booze – now it's time to drop this **nun** like a **bad habit**!_

It wouldn't be easy to do, and he was sure Trucy would be disappointed, but if there was one thing all this had taught him, it was that being alone still wasn't worse than being with the wrong person.

 _After all loneliness doesn't scare me; it gives me time to grow stronger than I have ever been._


	11. SomeBerry to Love

_Blindknyttstories-My good friend JP decided their wasn't enough circus love in the world, so she came up with this masterpiece. I'm sure your love all the antics, I know I sure did..hehe (Spoon broke, Using hands to dig now, distracted the dogs with steak.)_

 _JP - *thinks* (drat! shouldn't have confiscated his nail clippers -apparently he's using his newly long talons as digging tools!)_  
 _I hope this chapter inspires a few chuckles at least as Phoenix tries to cope with sad memories, sobriety, taking one for the team (Trucy) and dealing with pet names even worse than what Iris gave him..._

* * *

 **Chapter Eleven:** **SomeBerry to Love**

 _Big Berry Circus_ – December 17, 2024

Phoenix and Trucy joined the throng of people swarming into the circus tent, all eagerly anticipating seeing the evening's jaw-dropping, death-defying, talented acts that would shock and amaze their eyes.

The show was as spectacular as Phoenix remembered, and he was pleased his daughter was enjoying herself as well, as her mesmerized gaze took in the sights before her.

"This is so exciting, Daddy!" Trucy enthused, her delighted eyes never leaving the Big Top Ring even as she took an enormous bite of pink cotton candy.

"Well Moe the Clown is now the man in charge of Big Berry Circus." Phoenix smiled at her enthusiasm. "He recognized me when I was jogging in People Park the other day, and insisted on giving me and my little girl a couple of free tickets as an early Christmas gift."

"And _front row_ seats too! _So_ awesomesauce!"

 _Thank goodness I got these tickets to fall back on! It's a consolation prize sent from the heavens so my kid still had something fun to do for the holidays, since our stay in Palm Springs got cut drastically short, what with Iris storming out of there immediately after our breakup in the getaway car! Yeesh, there is_ _ **no**_ _nice way to end things with someone, even if you go for the short but sweet 'It's not you, it's me' route!_

Phoenix swallowed back a groan at the recollection of the teary confrontation and slumped in his seat, tugging his beanie over his eyes as though trying to block it out.

 _Thank Christ Jinxie and her father were there to drive us back home, else we'd still probably be stranded up there! I sure hope Trucy bought my lame excuse about Iris suddenly coming down with a bug as a plausible excuse for peeling out of there like a bat of hell! But what in the blazes could I have told her otherwise? "Your_ _ **golden-shower loving, deviant freak**_ _of a teacher reminds me too much of her deceased, psychotic,_ _ **albeit better in bed**_ _, twin sister?! And despite my efforts, no matter how unfair, it's_ _ **impossible**_ _for me to_ _ **ever see Iris for just herself**_ _and not draw unfair parallels, hence? Also…the woman_ _ **gave me crabs**_ _!?"_

He chuckled to himself at the last imagined sentence.

 _Phrasing!_ _Well,_ _ **crab**_ _, and not the lingering transferrable, gross kind, but_ _ **still**_ _! Iris is_ _ **literally**_ _the most_ _ **painful**_ _memory of_ _ **all**_ _these women! My bee-stings have healed, but my_ _ **rear**_ _is_ _ **still**_ _ **worse for wear**_ _! Ugh, must these seats be so hard on my poor, abused heinie?!_

Trucy grinned and reached for the huge bucket of popcorn, making her father once again marvel at how such a tiny 13-year-old could shovel away more food than a linebacker and manage not weigh _400 lbs!_ He knew his daughter was a growing girl, but there were times he wondered if she had a _tapeworm_!

 _Or six stomachs…_

Shit, he'd just _had_ to go _there_ , hadn't he?

 _Tiny girl…huge appetite…makes you spend a fortune in food…Jeez, Phoenix, remind you of somebody that you used to know?_ His cruel mind suddenly taunted him.

He slammed shut the mental gate on that particular trip down memory lane – it would only bring him depression and pain, and he no longer had the solace of alcohol to numb it. Instead he put an enormous lock on said door, and smiled brightly at his daughter.

"Good thing you work, kiddo, otherwise I don't know how we'd be able to afford the rent with that appetite of yours," he joked, helping himself to some of the glistening kernel snacks – extra butter, the way Trucy liked it best. "Slow down on this junk – you're going to spoil your dinner!"

"Nah, I'll always have room for Mr. Eldoon's noodles!" Trucy beamed, tipping her hat at him.

"How did you know we were having noodles for dinner, Missy?"

"Because it's Tuesday. We _always_ go for his extra-salty special on Tuesdays, Daddy!"

 _Yeesh, am I really that predictable? What a dull and drab routine…maybe I should shake things up what with a New Year looming? Offer to take her for burgers or something?_

Right. Because _that_ food wouldn't remind him of any _relatives_ of his most _recent ex_ _ **at all**_ …

 _Stop it Phoenix! You're just extra nostalgic because it's the holidays and you're still getting used to feeling genuine,_ _ **non wine-obliterated**_ _emotions for the first time in years! It doesn't help either that the_ _ **last**_ _time you were here under this Big Top, it was with…_

"Ladies and Gentleman!" The ringmaster suddenly boomed into his microphone, mercifully interrupting the former attorney's dreary train of melancholic thoughts. "May I have your attention, please? It is now time for the main event! Put your hands together and welcome our featured attraction, _the one, the only, the lovely_ Regina Berry and Regent!"

The spotlights shone then on the familiar, large tiger and the girl who still looked very much like the adorable, bubbly teenager Phoenix had once known.

Although she had to be in her early 20's now, Regina still retained the fresh-faced prettiness of her youth, with only a slight slimming and more sculpted look to her round, childlike face, and a bit more filling out of her petite figure, vividly showcased as she pranced about the ring in her red stage costume, trimmed with gold sequins, twirling a pink-and-gold wand with a star on top. Her blonde curls were pinned up by the same glittering gold tiara, the gem set in its center matching her brilliant blue eyes. Her innocent smile lit up whatever room she was in, and she almost seemed to sparkle.

Her magical effect on people hadn't dimmed at all with age. Instead, she appeared to have even _more_ of a magnetic draw now. She waved to the cheering, adoring crowd, flashing a brilliant megawatt grin, then proceeded to wow them all with the animal training of the enormous jungle cat.

An assistant came along and placed a huge hoop down onto a platform, then lit it on fire, making the audience draw in a deep breath. They knew what was coming.

Suddenly Regina looked out into the crowd and locked gazes with Phoenix, seated dead center, in the row of seats directly before her. Her huge eyes widened even further with delighted surprise, then she gave a tiny, almost shy, wave.

Reflexively, he waved back, astonished she'd recognized him seven years later, in his nearly incognito hobo gear and beanie. Trucy stared at the animal trainer, who was now flashing what could only be described as a _sassy_ wink at Phoenix, then back at her father in wonder. All lamenting about Iris, if any, vanished from the girl's mind as a smile crept over her features and a plan formed shape in her mind.

"Daddy, the pretty lady waved at you," the magician noted, batting innocuous eyes at him. "Do you actually _know_ her?"

"I sure do," Phoenix smiled easily, reluctantly breaking the spell and shifting his eyes away from said pretty performer and onto his daughter. "She was a witness in the trial I had back in the day with Big Berry Circus. She wasn't much older than you are now the last time I saw her."

"But that had to have been nearly _ten_ years ago, right?" Trucy prodded. "So she's probably _lots_ older than me _now_ , right?"

"I guess so…" he replied slowly, looking at his daughter suspiciously. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I know maybe _back then_ she would have been too young to even consider dating…"

" _Trucy_!" Phoenix looked at her in disbelief. "Where _on earth_ would you get that sort of idea from? She's still a good _decade_ younger than me, and even if it isn't _illegal_ to even consider the notion anymore, what makes you think she's even _available_ to date? Or would even _want_ to date _me_?"

 _Last thing I recall was that Regina was caught in a complex love triangle between my client Max Galactica and Trilo,_ _ **the wooden ventriloquist dummy**_ _…who_ _ **still**_ _had more personality, and was less aggravating, than the flamboyant magician, in_ _ **my**_ _opinion, but that's neither here nor there…_

"She likes you," Trucy replied solemnly, her expression earnest. "Trust me, Daddy, it's a _girl_ thing, I can just _tell_."

"Just because she waved at me? Truce, you're _really_ reaching here!"

"You're wrong, Daddy." Trucy shook her head stubbornly. "Out of the bunches of people here, she smiled at _you_. Waved at _you_. And _winked_ at _you_. Because you're the most handsome man here."

"Because she _knows_ me!" Phoenix protested, reddening slightly. As flattering as it was his daughter thought he was some kind of studly women-magnet, he'd been referred to as an _Old Man_ far too many times in his life – when he'd been a younger, successful lawyer and by _persons_ even older than Regina! – to actually delude himself into believing the teen's romantic ideals, especially since he was now nothing more than a shady-looking hobo!

"OK, but then why is she _still_ staring at you?" Trucy smiled mischievously. "Regent is _literally_ jumping through a flaming hoop right now, and should have _all_ her attentions, but he doesn't. Because it's focused on _you_."

It was the truth, but Phoenix's blush deepened nevertheless.

 _When hath my little girl gotten so astute? What the heck are they teaching these kids in school nowadays? Or is she just seeing things that she wants to see because she wants a new mommy so badly?_

If that were the case, he hated to be the one to shatter her illusions. Unless of course, she _was_ bang on in her convictions, in which case, did he not owe it to her to at least _test_ the theory…?

As though sensing his wavering, Trucy flashed him a triumphant smile.

"Well, since Regina _knows_ you, we should have no problem going backstage to her dressing room to tell her how much we enjoyed the show," she said happily. "Also, to thank her – after all it's _her_ family circus – for the tickets."

"Um, yeah…" Phoenix agreed cautiously. "Yes, I suppose it couldn't hurt just to pass by and say hello…"

"Goody!" Trucy bounced excitedly in her seat. "Oh, and Daddy, see that nice man coming with the flowers, in this direction? Maybe you should buy some from him."

"Er, sure…" Phoenix fumbled into his meager wallet and counted just enough bills to cover the cost of one _overpriced_ rose from the vendor. This would _definitely_ mean they were eating mac and cheese for dinner at home, as the unexpected expense would cut into their dining funds. "Anything for you, baby girl. Er, what color do you want?"

"Not for _me_ , Daddy, you silly man!" Trucy exclaimed, rolling her eyes comically. "For _Regina_! Ladies _love_ flowers! You should definitely buy her a _red_ rose. After all, it matches her outfit." She reached over to pluck one long-stemmed rose from the arms of the flower seller, who had just approached them. "And also," she added with a wink. "Red roses mean _love_ , you know!"

* * *

 _Wright Talent Agency_ – December 31, 2024

Parental obligations. Damn them all.

Trucy had been 100% accurate in her deductions of noticing Regina noticing _him_. When they'd gone backstage to see her two weeks ago, the bubbly blonde had squealed with excited glee and lurched her scantily-clad curves against the pink-cheeked Phoenix. Then she'd proceeded to plant a loud and effusive _kiss on the lips_ as thanks for the rose, so delighted was she at the sight of once again seeing "the still so sexy _Beanie Feenie_!"

 _Ugh!_ _ **How**_ _is possible that she managed to come up with a nickname even more nerve-grating than the one Iris had for me?!_

Regina had warmly greeted Trucy as well, and struck up an immediate bond with the teenager, being especially interested in learning that she was a magician. She had even orchestrated it so that Trucy had performed a magic performance for a special Big Berry Christmas Eve show, to a sold-out crowd. The amount of money Trucy had been paid for that _one-time gig_ was roughly equivalent to _two months'_ salary at The Wonder Bar!

In uncharacteristically strict Daddy mode, Phoenix had immediately deposited the entire sum of funds into a locked investment savings account for Trucy's college tuition – even though Trucy had sulked about the fact that he'd thwarted her plans to squander it on more magician paraphernalia. Phoenix had had to put his foot down – there was simply no more room at the offices/apartment for _any_ more magic stuff! As it was, he could barely find _an inch_ of space to take a seat without some sharp of sort of prop _painfully_ poking him on/up his _still healing ass_!

Naturally, all of this had meant that Regina Berry was the _best thing since sliced bread_ in Trucy's books.

Unfortunately, her father found dating the older, but still _overly bubbly_ , and somewhat ditzy blonde to be absolutely _crumby_!

Regina had gotten older in _physical_ age, but not so much _mental maturity_ , it seemed.

Either the 22-year-old, cuter than a little Maltese puppy girl was too young for him, or his _32-year-old_ ass was indeed, too much of an _Old Man_ for her! Not that Regina ever said anything of the sort; in fact she'd cooed she'd had a crush on him even as a teen, and had been _so happy_ that he was _even hotter now_ than he'd been back then! This was really great for his self-esteem, as his ego had taken a severe battering since disbarring.

However, it was hard to put much stock into the opinions of a girl-child who, although realizing dead people didn't just merely turn into stars in the sky, still had much of the naïve, fantastical point of view from her youth.

 _I mean, she still believes that there are castles made of cake and talking rabbits in Zimbabwe!_

Aside from being a father now, Phoenix felt he'd already also _done_ his hard time back in the day, what with watching children's samurai shows and being dragged to amusement parks, where the combination of heights and spinning rides made him want to projectile vomit! Even the latter was still mostly enjoyable (as long as he didn't go on the crazy rides) if he were in the right mood, and was going with someone he _genuinely adored_.

 _Like_ _ **who**_ _, Phoenix?_ His mind jeered.

 _Shut up brain! Like my_ _ **daughter**_ _, whose childlike delight in such environment is endearing, and more often than not thaws much of the ice that's formed around my heart over the years,_ _ **that's**_ _who!_

So it hopefully didn't make him _too_ much of a stick in the mud to acknowledge their first date at a _video arca_ de had been _less than ideal._ Phoenix had been in a mood most foul, as well as _bored out of his tree_ watching the woman he was seeing play _Dance Dance Revolution_ for _two hours_ against the obnoxious 8-year-old who had previously beat him. _Badly_.

He'd have called it quits then, but Trucy was so pleased having Regina around as an oversized playmate. His daughter more often than not accompanied them on their outings, which made Phoenix usually felt a combination of relief and frustration.

The _latter_ feeling was because he often felt like he was playing _Daddy for two_ _now_ when the two squealing girls got together!

The _former_ was due to Trucy's presence on the typically kid-friendly but hardly romantic dates. Intimacy of any sort was nigh impossible. After two weeks of courtship, Phoenix and Regina hadn't even _kissed_ yet, save for the _embarrassing_ one she'd planted on him in her dressing room.

He wasn't _nearly_ as disappointed about this as a man who was dating a hot blonde, but was constantly being _cock-blocked by his teenage daughter,_ should have been!

Ultimately, he just didn't want to upset Trucy by letting let another "potential mommy" go so readily. He loved her so much, and he'd already broken her heart _once_ already – he was only just _now_ beginning to forgive himself for what he'd done, almost _four months_ later.

So for the sake of being a good father, for the past fortnight, Phoenix had endured outings on "dates" that were so abominable in nature, he'd have preferred to have spent the evening _baking apple pie with Larry and Jacob_! At least the two lovers cooing to one another, ad nauseam, meant he'd be _awake_!

Date two. _My Little Pony Movie_. Trucy had insisted _heterosexual_ men liked the animated, pastel-colored horses as well. Phoenix shuddered at the creepy notion, but had sucked it up, literally _pinching_ himself the entire time to remain conscious (his forearm still had bruises). The film made him yearn for his long ago abandoned _Steel Samurai_ days!

 _Which, technically, is a concept even_ _ **more**_ _alarming than said_ _ **Bronies**_ _!_

To be fair, he had no idea if Regina was a brilliant conversationalist. How _could_ he, when he'd been stuck in between her and Trucy, both giggling inanely, in the dark, _in silence_ , for _two hours_?

Date Three. The Roxbury nightclub. One of the few places Trucy was too young to go to. A club was even noisier than his workplace, and only brought to light Phoenix had two left feet on the dance floor, and was undoubtedly the _oldest_ one on it! He'd never mastered the concept of the _bodily seizure-like thrashing_ to _deafeningly bad_ music, usually entailing how much money the singer had spent on his _scads of bitches and hos with huge booty_!

 _Ugh, music nowadays_ , Phoenix had grimaced. _RAP should be spelled with a big, fat C in front of it!_ _The next time I hear a song about a rapper bragging about how much money he makes, Ima go_ _ **download**_ _his album for_ _ **free**_ _! OK, fine! No, my_ _ **non-tech savvy arse**_ _wouldn't_ _ **know how to**_ _– so I'd make_ _ **Trucy**_ _do it_ _ **for**_ _me!_

While he admitted he'd not _entirely_ been against the pleasant view of the sexily-outfitted Regina spending all her time before him, _face down, butt up_ , he also ruefully acknowledged that it was _not_ the way to have a get-to-know-you conversation with a woman you wished to connect with _heart-to-heart_ , not just _part-to-part_!

Date four. The shopping mall. As though he hadn't endured enough hellacious trips there for the sake of his daughter. _Now_ he'd been forced to do so while pretending it was a _date_!

 _Cruel and unusual punishment indeed, sitting on a bench outside a ladies' boutique. I'd thought that was a_ _ **fresh hell**_ _specially reserved for fathers and long-term boyfriends! Take heed! If she's not your baby mama and you haven't seen the inside of her apartment, avoid retail dates! Unless you're an overly guilted, loving father like me. Then you just_ _ **suck it up, buttercup**_ _!_

The icing on the cake had had to have been post shopping. Phoenix had felt like a complete, _over-aged_ _bozo_ as they'd joined the rest of the _teen mall rats_ in food court and dined on fast-food, much like a bunch of high schoolers!

 _Doesn't dating etiquette dictate that you_ _ **just say no**_ _to taking her somewhere where you can get a_ _ **toy**_ _with your meal?!_

At least he'd been spared the awkward embarrassment of Regina asking his broke ass to buy her anything. In fact, she'd even generously purchased a couple of clothing items for Trucy, as well as herself. Nonetheless, he _still_ hadn't been exempted from being the _glorified pack mule_ who'd had to haul their purchases around the entire evening!

Therefore, as New Year's Eve constituted date number five, Phoenix felt his lack of enthusiasm was completely warranted.

He'd balked at Regina's suggestion of going to celebrate at The Pour House bar. For one thing, he already _worked_ in one. And also, he didn't feel like enduring another crowded, noisy atmosphere and the aggravated embarrassment of ordering a Long Island Ice Tea, only to wind up looking like _a gay extra_ from _Sex and the City_ with a _mini-umbrella, appletini_ in his hand! The worst part was knowing it wasn't because the bartender had hearing problems – it would be because _tonight_ , especially, it would be as _loud as hell_! Undoubtedly, the act of taking Regina to a tavern that night would devolve into a shouting match, and his _Objection-style_ courtroom days were _long_ past him!

Regina had surprised him by alternately offering to spend a nice, relaxing evening in her trailer, watching the ball drop on TV instead. He'd been gobsmacked at the offer – did this mean they'd actually be able to _hear_ each other speak?! Phoenix had accepted readily, as Trucy would be spending the evening at a friend's house and wouldn't be back till the next morning. She'd _meaningfully_ insisted he go "have fun _finally_ getting some alone time with the girlfriend!"

How _sad_ was it that _Trucy_ was more excited about that notion than _Phoenix_ was? And that he saw being with Regina as being only _marginally_ better than being alone?

The concept of loneliness engulfed his thoughts. Stretching out in front of him like a map, the unknown studied his fears, his courage and his knowledge. Some people could revel in the sensory calm that isolation could bring, and the creativity it could bring to life. But for Phoenix, being alone was his worst nightmare. With nothing to do and no one to talk to, his deepest fears clawed at the base of his throat and buried themselves in his chest, quickening the gentle thud of his heart.

So he _would_ go to Regina's, despite the misgivings in his heart. What were his alternatives, after all? Spend New Year's Eve solo, lost in his still-plaguing loneliness, and mope about the increasing likelihood that he may very well _die alone_?

Fat chance.

He _had_ to try to make this work. For Trucy's sake.

* * *

 _Regina Berry's Trailer_ – December 31, 2024

Phoenix hadn't known what to expect from Regina's trailer, having never been in one before, but his first impression upon entering was that he'd never before seen one place, one room, essentially, with so much furniture and so many pink and red accents. Hues he'd never choose himself, but of course, he should have expected the girly, feminine, if not the _luxe_ , décor.

In contrast, at his own home, he'd dedicated his purchases to clean lines, simple and mostly white; but these walls were all cerise and reds. The furniture was rustic and dark, sprinkled liberally with vibrant cushions. There was a small corner dining table in easy reach of every seat, and the walls bore more photographs than paint. Each one was of a happy memory, Regina as a smiling child through to present day, alongside her friends and family from the circus. There was lively Top 40 music in the background and the scent of fragrant candles in the air.

"Make yourself comfortable," Regina chirped, kissing him on the cheek in greeting as she turned the television on so they could see the live countdown till the New Year. She muted the sound and turned the stereo a bit louder.

"Raise Your Glasses" by Pink blasted within the small confines of the trailer.

Phoenix sank down on the plush sofa quite comfortably. He didn't feel he'd ever want to leave these homey surroundings. This wasn't just a trailer, it was a home; she'd made it that way, and he was suitably impressed.

 _This isn't so bad,_ he thought to himself, taking a sip of the cool juice she'd offered him. And Regina looked stunning that night, dressed in a dark pink dress with spaghetti straps that fitted at the waist and flared out at hip length. She wasn't wearing her stage tiara, of course, so her honey-colored curls tumbled around her face, giving her a look that was part wanton, part innocence at the same time. It was a mesmerizing, and intriguing combination.

Phoenix looked at the lovely young woman seated next to him, and wondered what, if anything, would transpire that evening. Or even if he _wanted_ it to. Yes, she was very attractive, _but_ …

Regina didn't waste any time or let him finish his thoughts.

"You know, this is a sofa _bed_ ," she told him coyly, a gleam in her eye. "It pulls right out if you want to make yourself more… _comfortable_ …"

Phoenix got up off the couch, a tad surprised at the direct approach she'd opted for. While he wasn't against some kissing or some _mild_ necking – how _else_ to determine if they had _any chemistry_ since they'd had _zero_ physical contact except for light hand-holding in the theatre and in the club?! – he certainly hadn't been _expecting_ anything _more_ than that after just _two weeks_!

Of course, he _also_ hadn't expected Iris to drop to her knees on the sand in front of him after _three_ weeks, either…

He helped Regina pull the couch into a bed form, but rather than lay down on it, he found himself remaining sitting upright, legs dangling over the edge, suddenly feeling slightly uncomfortable, but not quite certain why.

As though sensing his thoughts, she walked over to his side and stood between his legs, staring down at him with a teasing smile on her lips, studying his face as if she were memorizing every detail. Finally, she paused at his lips, her gaze lingering over his mouth for so long, his lips began to feel warm.

He knew, although he couldn't say _how_ he knew, she was going to kiss him. He knew it just as he knew he was going to let her. He waited, holding his breath, almost nervous of what was to come. When she didn't move, he felt a tad mortified at his presumptuousness, and closed his eyes against the wave of embarrassment.

And then it happened, her mouth was on his. Her lips were damp and cool, soft and sweet. He kissed her back with the same quiet intensity she'd had in her stare. Tentative at first, but gradually turning bolder, learning every inch of her mouth in slow, deep kisses.

After the first touch, he kissed her back, giving as good as he was getting. For long, precious minutes they made love with only their mouths, their bodies close but not quite touching, his hands flat on the bed behind him as he held himself upright while she leaned over him.

Finally, Phoenix pulled away, gasping for much–needed air. He wanted to speak, but no words would come.

"Kiss me again," she said, leaning closer so that their shoulders brushed. "Kiss me and stop thinking."

He didn't hesitate this time as she leaned toward him and pressed her open mouth to his. There was nothing tentative about the way they kissed this time. His hands came up to hold her face as he tasted her mouth. When she finally pulled away so she could catch _her_ breath, she didn't need to ask again; he came back for more. With complete abandon she kissed him, devouring his taste and absorbing his touch as her deft fingers unzipped his hoodie, pushing the material aside and down his arms, then yanking his t-shirt over his head so her hands could explore the bare skin of his chest.

His skin felt damp. Not clammy exactly, but moist. As if he'd just gotten out of the shower and hadn't had a chance to towel himself off yet. She ran her fingertips over his muscular shoulders and a soft, guttural moan slipped from his lips at her gentle caress. He mirrored her actions, using his hands to smooth the thin silk straps of her dress over her shoulders.

"I—I shouldn't do this," he murmured even while her fingers discovered the soft mat of hair on his chest. He shivered, wanting to both pull her closer and push her away at the same time.

"Don't tell me what you _should_ do." Her voice was as ethereal as the sound of the ocean. "Tell me what you _want_ to do."

Phoenix tore himself away and yanked off his beanie, raking an agitated hand through his hair.

"This isn't right," he breathed raggedly. "I mean, we haven't even _kissed_ till now! And this is the _first_ time we've been alone together since we started dating! When I agreed to come over, I didn't want you to think I _just_ wanted to… _you know_ …"

Regina drew back and looked at him with hurt eyes. Her lower lip quivered, as though fighting back tears, while she affected her most wounded expression.

"And _whose_ fault is it that we hadn't even kissed?" She asked sulkily, folding her arms across her chest. "Certainly not _mine_! _I_ kissed _you_ the moment you came to my dressing room, so _you_ knew that _I_ was interested. _You're_ the one whose been holding back, Mr. _Beanie Feenie_!"

He cringed inwardly at the atrocious nickname.

 _Ugh, how am I supposed to take her seriously if she insists on calling me that?!_

"I'm sorry, Regina. That first time you planted one on me, I wasn't sure how to respond," he mumbled awkwardly. "I mean, my _daughter_ was _right there_ and all, and I've never been one to like an audience…"

"We're alone _now_ though," she pointed out. "But you're making it clear that you _still_ don't want me."

"It's not that I _don't_ want you, Regina," he protested. "It's just –"

"You don't need to lie to me, Beanie Feenie," she whimpered, her eyes welling with tears. "I'm a big girl. I can handle rejection. Obviously you don't think I'm pretty."

"Regina, _please_!" In desperation, he tugged her hand, pulling her closer to him again, and down to his level so they were face to face. "You're wrong. I _do_. I _do_ think you're pretty."

Abruptly, the waterworks stopped, and a sultry expression replaced the sad one as a lascivious smile spread over Regina's face then.

"So you _do_ , do you?" She murmured, sinking down to her knees.

Before he knew what was happening, she'd reached up for the waistband of his joggers and drawers and yanked them down to his knees, with one hand while taking a firm grasp of him with her free one. The unexpected sensation of her expert fingers made him stiffen, in spite of his reluctances.

" _Regina_ …" he gasped as she began her handiwork on him, leaning forward as he grew, so his nether region was mere inches away from her parted lips.

" _You think I'm pretty_ …" she breathed, in a slightly sing-song tone. " _Without any makeup on_ …"

 _What the hell?_ Phoenix was bewildered.

"Um…yes?"

" _You think I'm funny, when I tell the punchline wrong…"_ Regina was full-blown belting it out now, using the baffled pianist's member as a microphone in her hand.

 _Sweet Jesus, don't tell me she's_ _ **actually**_ _going to…_

Regina closed her eyes and continued caterwauling the famous Katie Perry song, full-throttle.

" _You make me feel, like I'm livin' a teenage dream…"_

 _Un-be-lievable! Is she_ _ **seriously**_ _down there, singing_ _ **Teenage Dream**_ _while using my_ _ **manhood**_ _as a_ _ **microphone**_ _!?_ Phoenix didn't know whether to laugh or cry. _Teenage_ or not, this _dream_ was rapidly turning into a _nightmare_ – one he couldn't seem to _wake up from_ , no matter how hard he tried!

All of a sudden, Phoenix heard a soft tinkly sound beneath him. Looking down, he saw a very grumpy looking, white, fluffy Persian cat with small bells around its rhinestone collar, just sitting there next to the kneeling and _still singing_ Regina Berry. Silently. Staring. Silently judging.

Phoenix felt himself starting to wilt despite the sensation of Regina's lips now replacing her hand's nimble ministrations on him. Hadn't he just _said_ he didn't _like audiences_? Of either the _two_ or _four-legged_ kind?! The creature hadn't even blinked!

 _With_ _ **my**_ _luck it'll probably mistake my cojones for a cat toy of some sort and bat at it with its_ _ **claws**_ _…_ The mental image made him sweat profusely and further droop. _Oh_ _ **hell to the no**_ _, I can't have that happen!_

Sure enough, the cat began inching closer. It raised one long-nailed paw…

" _Ngh_!"

Abruptly, he shifted away from feline battery reach, yanked Regina to her feet and flipped her onto her back onto the bed, so his back – and family jewels! – were now turned away from the ever-watchful eyes of clawing _Peeping Tom-Cat._

"I'm going to explode soon if you keep that up!" He lied, pulling down her dress. "If I'm going to finish, I'd rather it be _with_ you. Do you, ah, have something to use?"

"Sure thing." She effortlessly lifted her legs over her head in an impressive reverse somersault of sorts, but in doing do, somehow managed to give poor Phoenix a sharp _foot to the head_!

"Ouch!" Phoenix grabbed at his sore skull, which while slightly throbbing from the blow, wasn't as bad as it could have been – luckily she'd been only barefoot!

 _Flexible contortionist yes, graceful? Not so much…still beats a claw to the nads though…_

"Something wrong?" Ever clueless to the reality of what she'd done – some things never changed! – Regina obliviously rummaged in the end table drawer, next to the arm of the couch, and waved a foil packet at him triumphantly.

"Um, Regina, one more thing?" Phoenix asked awkwardly, still rubbing his sore head.

"Yes, Beanie Feenie?" She smiled sweetly.

"Er, number one, _please_ stop calling me that! I have some um, really _not great_ memories associated with that nickname. And number two, actually, could you maybe, _hide_ that kitty of yours? It's really weird how he just sits there and um… _watches_ us?"

"Oh, that's Princess Fluffykins!" Regina squealed. "She sleeps with me every night, probably just wondering who this strange man is on _her_ bed! Is she bothering your _Feenie_ _Weenie_?"

 _Gah! My issue was with the_ _ **Feenie**_ _not the_ _ **Beanie**_ _you_ _ **freakin bimbo**_ _! Yeesh, what is_ _ **with**_ _this girl and her_ _ **penile shriveling**_ _nicknames and antics!?_ _ **No man in the world**_ _wants to hear the name_ _ **weenie**_ _in conjunction with his junk! None! Zippo. Zilch!_

"Um, yes?" He cleared his throat. "Too many eyes…too much pressure to _perform_ , you know? Not all of us are used to um, being under the spotlight, heh heh."

"Just one moment then." The now nude blonde walked over, picked up said staring kitty, who now looked like she was _scowling_ at Phoenix as Regina carried her away, and who, upon closer inspection, appeared to be about the size of a _bulldozer_ than a _normal_ housecat!

Regina came back a moment later, having just shut said bulldozer into the bathroom and shutting the door, ignoring the cat's howling mewls of protests.

"She sounds mad," Phoenix observed as Regina sidled back up next to him and began kissing his neck.

"It's close to her dinnertime, she's going to be hungry soon," the blonde breathed, licking his throat.

"Well, it's not like she couldn't afford to miss a meal or two," he joked. "I mean, _whatever_ are you are _feeding_ that thing for it to be so dang _fat_?!"

"Princess Fluffykins is _not_ fat!" Regina pouted. "She's just _fluffy_!"

 _Keep telling yourself that, sweetie._ _ **Don't stop believing**_ _…hey look, now she's got_ _ **me**_ _singing internally too! At least Journey is classic rock as opposed to that noise pollution she was singing against my poor, unsuspecting…Ngh! Why am I thinking of music at a time like this?!_

"Sorry Regina, you're right, she's just fluffy," he sighed as she nipped his ear. "Nice, pretty kitty."

She melted against him, feeling as if every breath she took came from him. She kissed her way across his strong jaw line, his skin as cool and smooth as a bit of sea glass. She continued her exploration down his neck, pausing to nibble the strong, steady pulse that thrummed there.

He spread his legs and she snuggled against him, running her tongue across his collar bone, down to a pebbled nipple. He groaned when she sucked the tender flesh into her mouth. Her own arousal built as she alternated between his nipples, licking and sucking them. He tangled his hands in her long hair and moaned her name.

A sense of urgency was growing between them as she slid down a bit further and swirled her tongue against his muscular belly. He released her hair and lay back on the bed, his muscled form stretched out before her like the finest of banquets. She stared at his enlarged shaft, her breath catching in her throat as she thought about what she wanted.

"Whatever you want, take it," he murmured as she unwrapped the packet and took care of matters for him. Then, straddling his hips, she guided him to her.

They moved together in synchronized harmony. She felt his breath coming faster, her own gasps mingling with his as she braced her hands against the hard wall of his chest and he held her hips to steady her. They built a rhythm together as she matched his every movement, which combined and set a pace that kept them both at the edge of their own release, unexpectedly building to one crescendo after another.

He was finally enjoying himself, and getting into the swing of things, when Regina suddenly decided to prove that you could take the performer out of the Big Top but…oh what the _hell_ _did it matter_?! What ultimately _mattered_ was that _just_ as he was about to release, she decided to slide around from being on the on top to being on the bottom, in some gymnast sort of move. But mid-slide, she thought she'd add a bit of what she thought was a sexy high kick. At the same time, Phoenix was _very close_ to the finish line.

And as it turned out, the bubble-headed Regina Berry had left some air in the condom and due to the pressure, just as _he_ exploded, _it_ exploded inside of _her_!

"Oooh!"

"Aaah!"

"Eeeh!"

"I'm coming!"

"Oh God!"

BANG!

" _Ngh_!" Regina screamed in genuine horror just as she was in mid leg movement.

And his luck being what it was, Phoenix lifted his head up just as she was kicking.

" _Gah_!" He screamed as her foot hit his nose.

There was blood everywhere.

Phoenix _kind of_ freaked out!

"Feenie Weenie!" Regina gasped in horror as he cupped his hand over his face while blood trickled through his fingers. "I'm so sorry! Did I break your nose?"

"I dode tink sode." Phoenix gingerly rubbed the bridge of his nose and breathed a sigh of relief when he felt no further pain from the movement. "But why did _yode_ screed for?"

"Oh, oops!" Regina tittered, reaching over for the bedside table and handing him a wad of Kleenex. She blushed beet red. " _Goodness,_ this is embarrassing! When I heard that loud _popping_ sound, I _panicked_ – I thought you had blown your _penis into bits_!"

Phoenix glared at her incredulously as he held the sopping mass of red tissues against his face with one hand while he reached for his pants with the other.

"Ade yode _fuckind_ kiddide me?!"

Regina nodded miserably.

" _Hode_ did yode evid tink dat wad _possible_?" He demanded, yanking his shirt over his head with great difficulty as his hand was still holding the wad to his nose. "Are yode really _dat ode of touch wit reality?!"_

"It's not like I get that many chances to hook up, when I've spent all my life under the big top!" She simpered, her lips trembling. "You're mad at me, aren't you Feenie Weenie?"

"Gee, _yode tink_?" Phoenix shoved his feet into his sandals and headed to the door. The bleeding seemed to have mostly abated, but he still felt tender in the sinus area. "Hi, Regina. I'm _earth_. _Have we met_?"

" _Huh_?" She blinked and looked at him with that vapid, blank expression, the comment obviously going right over her _bimbette brain_. "I don't think so…"

Phoenix had had it.

 _This_ had to go down in his history as The. Worst. New. Year's. Eve. EVER.

There was trying to please his darling daughter, and then there was subjecting himself to grievous bodily injury, either via _kitty castration_ or Regina's _acrobatic attempts_ , if he stayed in this relationship _another moment_.

And for God's sake, he'd seen _astronauts_ who were less _spaced out_ than _this_ broad!

"I'm going home," he told her curtly, already at the door. "Happy New Year, Regina. Goodnight. And Goodbye."

"But it's not New Year _yet!_ " She blubbered. "You can't leave _me_! I'm so _cute_! I'm _adorable_!" Fat tears began rolling down her cheeks. "Feenie Weenie, are you _seriously_ telling me you'd rather spend the last few hours of the night _alone_ than with _me_?"

The door slamming behind him was her reply.

As he stalked off, Phoenix tried to take deep breaths to calm himself down, telling himself he'd done the right thing. While his _heart_ knew he had, his _mind_ was lambasting him with blows of reality even more severe than the one he'd suffered by Regina's misplaced foot.

 _Another one bites the dust._

 _I'm sorry Truce._

 _I tried._

 _I really did._

Phoenix wished he could delude himself; convince himself in all entirety that alone was better, reliable, and less messy. That he _wasn't_ lonely, he was liberated, independent and free.

He _could_ lie to his brain, but his heart knew better. Shutting out the plague of white as he headed home, he drifted into a world of his own, memories dancing with fantasies until the line between them was blurred. He took solace in his imagination, in his recollections of happier times in his life; a transient fortress that only he could enter. Escaping reality was the easy part. There was only so long he could hide before life started breaking down his walls, and he was forced to realize that in spite of his best efforts, much like a tree without roots, like a leaf blown out to sea, like an unfledged bird that has fallen out of the nest, Phoenix Wright was all alone in this world.


	12. Wright Fangirls (Can't Be Wrong)

_Blindknyttstories: Firstly, I want to apologize for the delay, with the holidays and the New Year I didn't have any time to write, and when I was finally able to write again I suffered a hand injury, so apologies for the delay. I decided to try something new for this chapter and I hope you all like it otherwise JP might send the search dogs after me._

 _JordanPhoenix: He's not kidding! If this isn't found to be worth the wait, I shall…*puts on best Montgomery Burns voice* RELEASE THE HOUNDS…Thanks for 3000+ views guys!  
_

* * *

 **Chapter Twelve:** **Wright Fangirls (Can't Be Wrong)**

 _Eight years ago..._

 _District Court_ \- February 25, 2017

"This court has come to a decision! In the wake of this new evidence and the confession of Police Chief Damon Gant, this court finds the defendant Lana Skye…"

 _ **Not Guilty!**_

The courtroom cheered on as confetti rained down from somewhere up above.

Phoenix Wright, along with his new (one-time) assistant, Ema Skye, had found Chief Prosecutor Lana Skye to be innocent of Bruce Goodman's murder, and proved Damon Gant to be the culprit behind all the crimes.

As the court shuffled out, with the defense attorney and Ema heading to the defendant's lobby, the science-enthusiast looked at Phoenix and gave him a huge smile.

"Thanks again Mr. Wright! If it wasn't for you, Lana would have never gotten the justice she deserved!"

Phoenix gave a small chuckle as he smiled back. "Of course Ema, I'm glad I was able to help."

"I'm glad, too! Hey Mr. Wright, before you even agreed to this case, how did you know Lana was innocent?"

"Well, despite her cold hard look, I could tell she was trying to push back feelings of worry and fear, so I could tell she wasn't guilty, and I could tell that there was a reason for her not wanting to admit it."

"Wow! No wonder you're the only lawyer to have ever defeated Manfred von Karma! You can look past people's true feelings! Because of that, I guess you know why my sister agreed to let you defend her!"

Phoenix gave a curious look but kept his smile. "Hmm…? _Why_ she let me defend her?"

"Yeah! She saw your trial against Manfred and she fell –"

Before Ema could finish her sentence, the doors opened with the guards leading Lana out of the courtroom.

"Sis!" Ema ran up to Lana and enveloped her in hug so tight, poor Lana struggled for air.

As Lana patted Ema on the back, she looked up at Phoenix, and for the first time in forever, she smiled.

"Mr. Wright…I don't know what to say…But…Thank you."

Phoenix could see faint tears in Lana's eyes as she fully embraced her sister and he smiled to himself at the scene. He turned to leave so the sisters could be alone, but was interrupted by Ema.

"Mr. Wright! Where are you going?"

Phoenix turned and smiled. "Well…Now that the truth has come out, I figured I'd give you and Lana some alone time, since she still has to be under custody for her case against concealing evidence."

Ema gave a downcast glance at the words, but knew what Phoenix said was true. Lana would still be tried for concealing evidence, which, although thankfully wasn't as serious as murder, was still a crime nonetheless.

The elder Skye sister looked the teen in the eye and gave her a loving smile before enveloping her in another hug. Phoenix turned to leave again, when he was stopped by Lana.

"Thank you Mr. Wright…For everything. I hope after I serve my sentence, you and I can maybe sit down for coffee."

Phoenix turned his head and smiled before replying.

"Of course. I'll be waiting."

* * *

Present Day...

January 7, 2025

"Daddy! Come on! Before they get sold out!" Trucy ran up the isles of the supermarket with Phoenix close behind. They had recently run out of Trucy's cereal, _Marshmallow Magic_ (the cheaper, store brand version of Lucky Charms, because _that_ cost extra), and the magician was intent on getting some more before someone else took it all.

Phoenix just chuckled as he walked along. It had been about a week since the start of the new year, and while Trucy wasn't exactly happy about how the year ended for Phoenix, she got over it rather quickly when Phoenix bought her a new magic trick. (He'd thankfully found enough money in the couch to do so.)

They eventually reached the isle with Trucy's cereal and she squealed when she saw they weren't completely out - far from it - and ran up to Phoenix.

"Daddy! They have it! They have it!"

Phoenix just nodded and smiled at Trucy.

"They sure do, Dear. Ready to go to the checkout?"

Trucy shook her head and ran towards the checkout counter as Phoenix followed closely behind, admiring how animated his daughter was. Eventually, he caught up with his daughter, who had struck up a conversation with the cashier. However, as he finally got a good look at the clerk, he was horrified to see it was the _recently outed_ _Larry Butz_!

Larry, who had been happily chatting with Trucy, turned to Phoenix and gave a wide grin.

"Oh! Hey, Nicky! How are you?"

Phoenix felt knots turn in his stomach. Of _all the people_ on the planet, _why the hell_ did _Larry Butz_ have to be the store clerk there? To make matters worse, Trucy had actually been _talking with the devil_! He prayed that Larry hadn't said anything to corrupt Trucy's young mind.

"Uh…Hey Larry…What are _you_ doing here?"

"Well you see Nicky, Jacob recently got sick and couldn't come to work, but they still needed someone to fill in for him, so I stepped in and offered!"

 _Of_ _ **course**_ _you did…_

Phoenix just thought of the _odds of this_ happening, and all times when he had gone to the supermarket! He knew he had to get out of there _fast_ , so he opted to not even try to have any idle chit-chat.

"Um yes, well…How much is this box of cereal?"

Larry took the box and scanned it, keeping his big goofy grin on the entire time.

"Alright Nicky, that will be three dollars!"

Phoenix groaned silently as more scarce dollars fluttered away from him, but he handed Larry the money and quickly grabbed the cereal before looking pointedly at Trucy.

"Alright honey, let's go!"

Phoenix didn't even wait for a response before just grabbing the petite teen around her middle, lifting her right off her feet, and straight up _running_ out of there! Larry didn't seem to mind in the least, cheerfully waving and telling him goodbye.

Once the duo was out of the supermarket, Trucy looked at Phoenix with a knowing grin.

"Hey Daddy, was that your _GBF_?"

Phoenix gave a questioning look. "My… _What_?"

"You know, your _GBF!_ Or rather, _Gay Best Friend_! My Spanish teacher, _Señora Ano_ , talks about _her_ GBF all the time!"

Phoenix couldn't believe what he was hearing. _What kind of teachers are they hiring at that school!?_

"Um…Well, sweetie we aren't _friends_ _per se_ …Um…Let's just drop this."

"Huh? Well OK. One more thing, Daddy?"

"Yes, honey?"

Trucy giggled before speaking. "You can put me down now!"

Phoenix realized he was still holding Trucy and laughingly set her down. The duo decided to take a walk through the park before heading home since it was such a nice day.

 _People Park_ – January 7, 2025

The sun was still high in the sky when Phoenix and Trucy arrived at the park, and quite a few people were bustling around who seemed to be enjoying themselves. Then, as he walked along with his daughter, Phoenix looked up and saw an eagle in its nest… made out of his old sweatshirt. He grimaced as the memory of _perfect Karma_ came flooding back to him.

As they strolled through the park, he noticed that everyone was surrounding something posted on the nearby pole. Phoenix walked over to see what it was and read the print aloud.

 _Come join the_ _ **Phoenix Wright Fan Club!**_

 _We welcome all members of any age, above eighteen!_

 _Join us in our protest to get his badge back!_

 _Watch slideshows of pictures we have of him from the past and present!_

 _New members get a_ _ **free T-Shirt**_ _!_

Phoenix just stood there dumbfounded at what he saw.

 _Who the hell_ made a fan club about _him_!? Better yet, why were so many people crowding around this insane poster?

"Just _who the hell_ would join a fan club about _me_?"

As soon as those words left Phoenix's mouth, the people around him began talking.

"Wait…Does this mean THE Phoenix Wright?"

"You mean the lawyer who was found guilty of forging evidence?"

"That's what everybody says but if you ask me he's innocent! No way would a man that handsome commit something so low!"

"Oh I totally agree! I mean he is just an angel sent to us! I think… how can _any_ man _look that amazing…_ and _also_ be that _smart_?"

"I don't know about _you_ , but _I_ am totally going to sign up for this!"

Everybody began writing down the meeting point, with Phoenix just standing there, completely dumbfounded. Surely, these people were mistaking him for _Edgeworth_?

While Phoenix tried to assess what he just saw, Trucy came over and started yanking on his coat.

"Hey Daddy, we better hurry! It looks like it might rain!"

Phoenix snapped out of his befuddled state and quickly flashed Trucy a smile before agreeing, but before they left, he went ahead and jotted down the location of this fan club.

 _He_ too, was most interested in what this was really all about!

* * *

 _That Night…_

 _Wright Talent Agency_ – January 7 , 2025

Phoenix sighed as he flipped through the channels of the TV that evening. There was nothing good on whatsoever, and Trucy had departed to spend the night with her friend Robin. Although Phoenix wasn't particularly happy about his 14-year-old daughter spending the night at a _boy's_ house, he'd only allowed it because her other friend Jinxie would also be there.

A long, boring and lonely evening loomed ahead of him.

He sighed, and as he got up to get more coffee, a piece of paper fell out of his pocket. Looking down, he realized that it was the address of his 'fan club.' Phoenix picked it up and just chuckled at the thought.

How _in the world_ did _he_ have a fan club?

He had to admit that the thought was entertaining, and he was a bit curious. But who on earth would show up? Iris hated him, Franziska said he was her worst enemy, and Gumshoe was busy being a father.

Realizing that he truly had nothing better to do, so he might as well see how this entire thing would play out, Phoenix made his way upstairs and into his room. He opened up his closet and looked around. He didn't really have anything to wear; he didn't want to wear his famous blue suit, because if this fan club thing was _legit_ , he didn't want to be mauled, as he'd be instantly recognizable in his trademark attire.

He finally took out a Steel Samurai shirt, black dress pants, his old lawyer shoes and a black jacket in case it was cold. Once he slipped on his clothes, he grabbed his beanie and put it on as well – nobody had seemed to know who he was earlier while he'd been wearing it, so maybe the intended effect would happen again.

Once Phoenix was all ready to go, he grabbed some more change that was hidden in the couch and made his way outside. The wind was picking up so Phoenix threw on his jacket and made his way to the intended destination.

* * *

 _Phoenix Wright Fan Club HQ –_ _January 7, 2025_

He arrived at the location that had been written on the paper. It was an old, run down building on the outskirts of town. To his surprise, the place was _jam_ _-packed –_ although most of the attendants seemed to be _female_.

Phoenix made his way up to the door and was surprise, and horrified, to see _Franziska_ taking the names of everyone entering.

 _Why the_ _ **hell**_ _did it have to be_ _ **her**_ _of_ _ **all people**_ _?_

Phoenix gulped as he slowly made his way up to the entrance. Maybe he'd be lucky and she wouldn't recognize him. Once he made his up to the door, Franziska glared at him.

"…Name."

 _Holy shit it worked!_

"Uh… _Think Phoenix think!…_ My name is Perry Grossberg…"

Franziska just bobbed her head up and down while she wrote something down on the clipboard she had, then finally handed Phoenix a button that said **I Love Phoenix Wright** and told him to move on.

He couldn't believe he had somehow gotten past the astute Franziska von Karma! He pinned the stupid button onto his shirt and walked into the lounge. Looking around, he and saw the place was packed with ladies _everywhere_. The walls had posters of him from his lawyer days, and a video was currently playing showing his victory over Manfred.

Phoenix slowly walked around the area and was relieved to see no one seemed to know who he was. He still couldn't believe that an actual _fan club_ of him existed! Not only that, but it seemed to have a pretty big following!

The former defense attorney made his way over to the bar that was on the side and ordered some coffee, then sat down and just looked at everyone there. He noticed a few people he knew; there was Adrian and her plastic body, Rhoda Teneiro who was taking a break from the friendly skies, Franziska was handling the entrance. Wait – was that _Iris_?! Didn't she _hate_ him?! He at last set eyes on the one lone fox in the henhouse…. _Larry._ He moaned inwardly and slumped lower in his seat.

 _Of course…_

Phoenix sighed as he picked up his coffee and took a sip, and continued scanning the room. He then noticed that his co-worker Tiffany, was also there, handling a booth titled 'Phoenix Wright Shirtless Pics."

 _Note to self – do_ _ **not**_ _, under any circumstances, venture in that direction of the room! Also – do_ _ **not**_ _to have any more shirtless pics taken!_

While Phoenix was noting and admiring everyone who was there, he didn't notice a figure come up beside him.

"Excuse me, is this seat taken?"

Phoenix didn't even look at the person beside him before signaling for them to take the seat; they thanked him and did so. He continued to look around and spoke up to the person beside him.

"So…Having a nice night so far?" He asked absently.

The person smirked before answering.

"Yes…How about you?"

"Yeah you could say that, I was very intrigued about this whole thing."

"That's a little surprising, considering the _only other male_ is that Larry guy, although I think he might have a slight crush on Phoenix Wright, much like the rest of us."

He smirked slightly at that before replying.

"Yes well…It's a bit surprising to see _this_ many people here. I didn't think this Phoenix Wright character was _this_ popular."

"Surely you jest? He's the talk of every woman's beauty shop; in fact _all_ the single moms constantly talk about him."

"Um… _Wow_. That is most surprising."

"I don't know how that's surprising; I mean surely you should notice all the attention you get… _Mr. Wright_?"

Phoenix almost choked on his coffee. Wide-eyed, he looked over to see who his seat mate was, and astounded to see an old client…Lana Skye.

" _Lana_ , is that _you_?" She hadn't aged at all since he'd last seen her, nearly a _decade_ ago! "You…haven't changed a bit!"

"In the flesh!" She grinned cheekily. "Although, I see your _cluelessness_ hasn't changed at all, Mr. Wright. However, I'm glad though, because I always liked that about you."

Phoenix chuckled shyly before looking down at his coffee.

"Yes well…Some things never change, I suppose. _You_ still seem to be the same."

Lana let out a throaty chuckle as well.

"Indeed…That is true. Mr. Wright, when I got out of prison, I wanted to sit down and have a cup of coffee with you. Would you like to go out and get some?"

"Hmm…? Do you not want to stay here?"

"Oh _I_ don't mind in the least. It's just that more and more of the gals here seem to be figuring out who you are."

Phoenix took a quick glance behind him and noticed that many of the females were looking at him now, some were blushing and fidgeting while talking to the others, as though trying to come up with something to say.

He turned back around and blushed.

"Perhaps you have a point. Do you want to come over to my place? I have some coffee there and it would give us a private place to talk."

Lana smiled softly. "Of course, that sounds lovely."

The two got up from their seats and quickly made their way out, with Phoenix somehow managing to avoid some of the _fangirls_ who were trying to get his attention. He'd luckily managed to escape unscathed after all.

It was about time he caught a break!

* * *

 _Wright Talent Agency_ – January 7, 2025

Phoenix and Lana sat on the couch together and drank; the two had been talking for about two hours. Their conversations were about a number of things, ranging from Lana's time in prison to how irreconcilable differences had dissolved her newly rekindled romance with Jake shortly after he'd been sprung from prison to Phoenix's life after disbarment.

Finally, once the pair had just finished talking about Lana's murder trial, she decided to ask Phoenix a question.

"Phoenix…I overheard you and Ema's conversation from all those years ago. She almost told you why I didn't reject you being my lawyer."

"Hmm…? Oh yeah, I guess she never did tell me why…Oh well I suppose you just wanted someone you could trust, right?"

"Well…yes, that was part of the reason…But it's not the _main_ reason…"

"Then…" He cast a bewildered look at her. "What's the main reason you picked me?"

Lana's pretty face grew a tint of pink as she sat her glass down and scooted closer to Phoenix, looking deeply into his eyes.

"It's because…" The ex-Chief Prosecutor started leaning in on Phoenix, who reddened a bit himself. "I saw you on TV…And saw you defeat Manfred."

"You…did?" His mouth went dry at the intensity in those spellbinding teal eyes.

She nodded, placing her hand on Phoenix's chest, and moved her face closer, blushing gorgeously in the process.

"And when I saw you do that…" Lana got just inches away from his face. "I fell in love with you." She finally closed the gap between them and gently pressed her soft mouth onto his.

Phoenix's cheeks flamed, but eventually, he melted against her sweet lips, and wrapped his arms around Lana as their kiss deepened.

Who'd have thought that a day that started with him shopping for cereal would have ended with a hot make out session with an even hotter a client from years ago?

 _This New Year isn't starting off too badly at all…_


	13. You Said a Mouthful

_Blindknyttstories: This was a bit later than I had originally anticipated so I apologize to all the loyal readers! It would have been out sooner but the sound of upcoming wedding bells stopped me, so that shouldn't happen again! (I'm actually just covering up the fact JP has unleashed her hounds upon me!)_

 _JordanPhoenix: Dude runs fast! I admit, I'm impressed! I had to punish him somewhat for this delay didn't I?! XD_  
 _Due to the copiously and hilariously used terms for anatomy, which may or may not be real in a physical nature, this chapter may be considered hideously kinky!_

* * *

 **Chapter Thirteen: You Said a Mouthful!**

 _Wright Talent Agency_ – January 28, 2025

To say Phoenix's New Year had gotten off to a wonderful start would be the understatement of the century.

The last three weeks of his life, since he'd started seeing Lana, had been complete bliss, and had _nearly_ thawed the ice formed around his heart over the years. He and the former Chief Prosecutor were like a couple of horny, but innocent, teenagers together. They were enjoying the whole "getting to know you, getting to like you," old-school way of courtship in their relationship, and were actually going out on _dates_ , like out to the movies and for pizza.

Even though he wanted more than just a physical connection, the pianist had to admit one of the best parts of these outings was the end of the night, where there would be lots of wild necking and heavy petting which always left them both hot and bothered.

However, they still had yet to go "all the way."

Phoenix was genuinely fine with this. There was nothing wrong with taking things slowly; to actually get to know and _like_ the person you were with before doing the _shooting the meat rocket into the sausage wallet!_ He was completely on board with the hopeful notion that he'd _finally_ met someone who wasn't a _completely sexually deviant_ freak and was merely in a rush to get him into tangled sheets!

Honestly, all these years of being seen as nothing more than a mere stud for the night was starting to make him feel somewhat _cheap_!

He still found it hard to believe that his love life had taken such a different unexpected turnabout, when it had started as a perfectly normal day that'd commenced with just a normal trip to buy his daughter cereal! Of course there was nothing perfect _nor normal,_ about running into his former best friend, (who had only recently _decided to turn gay),_ but the day had done a complete turnabout for the better when he'd had learned that he actually had his own _fan club_. Sure, _that_ realization had initially freaked him out a little, but it'd led to him reuniting with a sexy former client…and _then_ led to the _mother of all hot_ and _unforgettable_ make out sessions!

The only part of the whole thing that Phoenix would've been happy to _forget_ entirely, was the embarrassment of telling his daughter he was now actually dating someone near _his own age_!

It'd originally started as just a normal day during breakfast.

Trucy was sitting at the table, her cereal sitting untouched before her, as she was completely engrossed in playing around with a new trick she'd learned with her Magic Panties. Phoenix sipped his regular morning coffee while reading something about some fox wrestler named Nine-Tails Vale in the paper.

All was going well until, without warning, Trucy stopped fiddling with her trick.

"Hey, Daddy, I was wondering something!" She looked at her father with inquisitive eyes.

"Yes honey, what is it?" Phoenix lowered his newspaper and smiled at his daughter.

"Well…I was in school yesterday and we had a really nice lady come and talk to us! She told us how she used to be a prosecutor and that she was actually arrested for _murder_ , but she was proven innocent by _you,_ of all people!"

"Ah… you must be talking about Lana Skye. What was she doing at your school?" Phoenix sat the paper down on the table and picked his coffee up.

"She was there to tell us how being a prosecutor is a lot of work, but a defense attorney is not the bad guy and has a job as well!"

"Well it's nice to hear someone shares my view on defense attorneys. I may not be one anymore, but I still support them when their intentions are being used for good…" his voice trailed off then as he regarded her with confusion. "But Trucy, how does this relate to the question you wanted to ask me?"

"Well…It's just that…Ms. Skye was kinda wearing your beanie!" Trucy had to suppress a giggle as she flashed an innocent smile.

Phoenix nearly did a spit take with his coffee. Some of the scalding liquid splashed onto his lap, causing him to yelp in pain. At last, he sat the mug down out of harm's way and somehow choked his next words out.

"Well um…it's possible that she bought the same beanie from somewhere else!"

"What are you talking about, Daddy? _I made you that beanie_! It's _one of a kind_! In addition, I even _asked_ her about it and she did that thing where when someone likes somebody, they get all red and stutter – you know, like _you_ are right now!" An impish grin flickered across the teen's face. "So, is Lana your new _girlfriend_ , Daddy?"

Phoenix just looked wide-eyed at Trucy, contemplating how to respond. While his beanie was back with him, he couldn't deny the fact Lana had indeed borrowed it the night she'd come home with him, so it wasn't as though she'd just _accidentally_ walked off with it – he _had_ actually _let_ her use it, as it'd been getting cold outside. However, he'd _never_ thought she would wear it _in public_ , let alone to _Trucy's school_!

 _Guess she was finally ready to go public about us?! I mean, not that I mind! It just…sure as heck woulda been nice to have known I didn't need to keep my lips zipped at home, then! Yeesh, the man truly_ _ **is**_ _always the last one to know!_

Phoenix scratched the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly.

"I… _guess_ you could say she is, Truce, although we actually haven't made it official just yet."

"What are you _talking_ about Daddy!?" Trucy gasped and grabbed Phoenix's arm. "Every girl knows when a boy lends her an item of clothing _,_ it totally means _they are a couple_! I learned it from my friend Robin!"

 _Damn that Robin kid! Why the hell is a BOY telling Trucy this crap though!?_

"Er well, Trucy that may be true for _your_ age, but I'm afraid the time I grew up in wasn't like that. _Far from it,_ actually…"

"Daddy!" Trucy glared at Phoenix and started shaking his arm violently. "You have _got_ to _get with the times_! I mean, all of my teachers always talk about you, so you can't continue to live in the _Stone Age!"_

 _ **All**_ _of her teachers_?! _Then again, I think I remember seeing some of them at that fan club meeting…_

"Well that may be true," Phoenix blushed. "I confess, Truce! Your Old Man doesn't know the first thing about catching up with _the times_!"

"Not to worry, Daddy!" Trucy gave a sly grin and proudly stood up. "I know the perfect thing to get you caught up, and the first thing to do is to get you dressed up for your date!"

Phoenix shot a bewildered glance at his daughter, who ignored it as she immediately began tugging his arm and dragging him to his room.

"Trucy! Wait! Don't you have school today!?"

* * *

"Trucy this _really_ isn't necessary!" Phoenix protested as he sat atop his bed while his daughter combed his hair to make his spikes "look nice," all the while insisting she would pick his clothes out, and would even leave the house to give him and Lana some alone time.

 _I'd certainly hope so! She's supposed to be at school anyway!_

Trucy paid no mind to her father's pleas and continued to forcefully comb his hair, earning a few yelps from the ex-attorney, which she ignored as well. Eventually, the teen jumped down from the bed and admired her work.

"You look great, Daddy! Now all that's left is to pick your clothes out and we are good to go!"

Phoenix heaved a long sigh as Trucy rushed over to his closet and started going through his clothes. He'd just figured the magician would just pick out the nicest sweatshirt and pants he had. Instead, he was surprised – and a little bit alarmed – when Trucy threw his blue attorney suit on the bed.

"Um...Truce, I don't think my old work clothes are appropriate for this right now…"

"That's nonsense, Daddy! All the women have pictures of you in your famous blue suit! They always call you their favorite DILF!"

Phoenix groaned at the gratuitous use of the dreaded _DILF_ word again, and almost reflexively ran his hand through his hair, but stopped when Trucy glared at him as she realized what he was about to do.

 _Oops! Mustn't undo her handiwork or be forced to endure_ _ **torture by comb**_ _yet again!_

Phoenix gave another long sigh and gave a hard look at his old attorney suit.

"I guess…it wouldn't _hurt_ to wear it for one more day."

 _It's not as if I'm going outside anyway. Lana and I were just going to hang out and watch some movies anyway –_ _ **legitimately! –**_ _I swear! "Movies" is_ _ **not**_ _a euphemism for_ _push, push in the bush!_

"Yay! I knew you would come around, Daddy!" Trucy wrapped Phoenix in a huge hug, which he willingly he returned. He loved his daughter dearly, even though he still didn't like the idea of wearing his old attorney suit.

Just then, a car horn was heard outside.

"Oh! That must be my ride to school! Bye, Daddy!"

Trucy turned to leave but was stopped by her father's inquiry.

"Ride to school? Who's picking you up?"

"My German teacher Mrs. LeJacques. She promised to pick me up for school today!"

"Trucy that's great and all, but when did your _German teacher_ , of all people, promise to pick you up?"

"When I asked her yesterday!" Trucy flashed the peace sign at Phoenix. "She said it was no problem because her husband Élie, who is some French dude or something, is currently out of town, so she doesn't have to worry about him in the morning! Gotta go! Bye, Daddy!"

The magician darted out of the flat, leaving Phoenix all by his lonesome. He glanced at the suit lying on the bed behind him and felt a wave of nostalgia as the memories instantly flooded back to him.

Those reminiscences had many highs and lows in them, but no matter the feelings that were associated with them, they made him remember the gaping chasm within his chest even more. Would Lana finally be able to help fill that void? Or would he be once more subjected to even more pain and punishment?

* * *

Lana was due to come over any minute.

Phoenix gave himself one final critical onceover in the bedroom mirror. Not only did the suit fit perfectly but he ruefully acknowledged he quite enjoyed how it made him look strong – possibly due to the fact that his post-disbarment acquired muscles were pushing against the fabric.

The spiky-haired man had to admit it was a relief that he was also be able to get his tie on as well. For one thing, it'd had been a while, and for another, he'd been starting to wonder if his abysmal track record of past failed removal attempts with bras was any sort of indication of his shoddy fine motor skills! He was just putting the finishing touches on his suit the doorbell rang, indicating Lana had arrived.

Phoenix took a deep breath and trudged down to the door, opening it with shaky hands. He was uncertain if his nerves were mostly stemmed from uncertainty about his girlfriend's reaction to seeing him in his suit for the first time in forever, (he was _grossly overdressed_ for a _lounging at his house_ _ **daytime**_ _date_ after all!) or if was because this could finally be his chance to mend the hole in his heart. He really wasn't sure.

The poker champ opened the door to see the brunette standing on the other side in a ravishing blue dress, her long light brown hair worn loose and tumbling in waves down her back. She looked absolutely gorgeous. His mouth went dry.

 _Okay I've always known she was a looker, but she looks incredible when she's all dressed up like that! Looks like great minds think alike!_

"Good morning Pho-…Oh… _Wow_ …"

"H-Hey Lana…" Phoenix and Lana both had bright red faces as they stared at each other in mutual admiration of the other's outfit.

They were silent for several long seconds before he broke the silence.

"Oh um…I hope you don't mind me wearing my old suit, my daughter picked it out for me."

"Huh?…Oh no it's fine! You clean up really well!" Lana blushed, and Phoenix coughed slightly as he welcomed Lana into the living room. "Er, that is, you look rather dashing if you ask me!"

"Thanks. So do you."

Phoenix closed the door and sat down beside her on the sofa. The couple sat in awkward silence for a few minutes before he decided to break the ice.

"So um…Do you want anything to drink?"

"I wouldn't mind some wine if you have some, I read that a glass a day is good for the body."

He nodded, then walked into the kitchen to his hidden wine stash, and grabbed a bottle. Even though he had long since forsaken wine in favor of grape juice, he still kept a small stash handy, just in case.

Phoenix poured the contents into a stemmed glass and returned to give it to Lana, who graciously accepted it and took a small sip before scrunching up her pretty face in disgust. He couldn't help but laugh.

"What, do you not like wine?"

"I have to admit the taste does elude me somewhat! Still, I heard it's good for you so…"

"Well I'm sure there are plenty of healthy alternatives. There's no reason to force something down you don't like."

"That may be true but I'm sure after a glass or two, I'll be fine." Lana took a big swig of her drink before placing the glass down on the table with a loud clink. Phoenix was a little concerned, as even his former wino ass had trouble drinking such large gulps of wine.

"I don't know if you want to drink too much, Lana, especially if you are still new to drinking wine…It could cause some upset stomachs." Phoenix's words were ignored as she airily waved her hand and gave a small laugh.

"Don't worry Phoenix!" She hiccupped. "I'll be _fine_!"

Phoenix's look of consternation only grew as he saw that Lana's face now bore of sloppy grin, and was extremely red in the cheeks. It was like staring into a mirror of his own past. He _knew_ what that look meant!

 _Somehow, someway_ , Lana Skye had gotten _completely drunk_ off a _not even an entire glass of cheap red wine_!

"Uh Lana? I think you might be a _little tipsy_ , so I think it's safe to say you shouldn't drink anymore…"

His words were cut off as the tipsy woman laughed and suddenly jumped on top of him.

"Lana?! What are you doing?"

The rest of his words were muffled as Lana pressed her eager lips to his. His stunned reaction only lasted a split second before he eventually melted into the kiss. While the two were locked in a combat of tongues, she reached down and grabbed a _particular sensitive spot_ of his, causing him to go wide-eyed in shock at her boldness.

"Hee!" She tittered. You look just like Jake whenever I did this…Your eyes go all _alien-like_!"

"Lana I don't think –" Phoenix was again cut off by Lana's insistently roving mouth on his, and hands that continued their determined ministrations southbound, causing him to grow a little bit uncomfortable on the small couch.

Lana lifted her lips away and gave him a drunken, sly smile as she started undoing her dress. While the viewing pleasure was unmistakable, he couldn't help but make one last ditch effort to be a gentleman.

"H-Hey Lana! You _just_ got here and you took all that time to put the dress on, don't you think you should leave it on for a _bit_ longer?"

Lana tittered as she continued to undo her dress.

"Why would I do that, silly? I only spent like five minutes putting this dress on, I mean sure I had help from Ema but –"

Lana was interrupted as she slid right off the couch and landed onto the floor with a thud. Phoenix regarded her worriedly, but she just laughed it off and finally removed her dress, revealing her partially nude body, as she still wore a bra and undergarments. He felt his resolve to keep this relationship PG-13 weakening.

 _Damn, for being in jail for so long she sure stayed fit!_

He was jolted out of his reverie however when Lana started howling even louder.

"Hey, lover! I can't see my back! Can you undo my bra for me?"

Lana positioned her back halfway to her beau, with Phoenix having to help her turn all the way around.

 _Alright well…Might as well go along with it! I_ _ **am**_ _still a_ _ **man**_ _after all! Oh shit! I have to undo_ _another_ _ **bra!**_

The moment of truth slapped him across the face as he stared dismally at the accursed thing before him in the manner of a sword-wielding knight facing a dragon. He'd had so many past troubles with these _over the shoulder_ , _boulder holders_ which were more like _chastity belts_! Would today be the day he _finally_ conquered his foe?

Phoenix studied the thing over before carefully working his magic. With painstaking care, he unhooked one thing, hooked another one, pulled one down, pushed one up, and when all was said and done… he'd made absolutely _zero_ progress whatsoever. He groaned inwardly.

 _Of course…_

The situation was only made worse by the fact that Lana couldn't stop laughing.

"Oops, I forgot! I can just unhook this thing from the _front_!"

Phoenix mentally face palmed at that statement.

Lana undid her frontal bra clasp, then turned around and pressed her bared chest against him. Phoenix wrapped his arms around her as they fell halfway off the couch but stayed locked in a battle of lips.

After a few steamy tongue wrestling moments, she pushed herself off him and walked over to a bag she had brought in and began digging around in it, before she let out a cry of victory. Then she pulled out something which, to Phoenix's _absolute horror_ , looked very… disturbingly… _Phallic shaped_. With _a harness_!

 _This is every guy's worst nightmare!_ He thought wildly. _The valiant knight finally removes the chastity belt and remaining garments from the fair maiden, only to ask the most harrowing question of all:_ _ **why does**_ _ **each one of us have a penis**_ _?!_

Phoenix's mind just froze.

What sort of devilish thing was this woman _thinking_? Was he about to be on the receiving end of one of the most demonic looking inventions _ever_ created?

"Hey um Lana…What exactly are your plans for _that?"_

"Well…Jake always liked it when we took turns, and I _always_ went first!" Lana laughed gaily as she waved the instrument about before turning her back to him as she began wriggling it on. "I hope you don't mind!"

Phoenix died a little bit on the inside as he just stared at Lana, taking advantage of her distracted state of _saddling up_ while quickly reaching into his pocket and pulling out his cellphone. He hit a random number on speed dial and prayed _someone with a brain_ would pick up.

"Hello!" Chirped the brainless bumblebutt who answered the line. "You have reached the Butz residence!"

 _Of fucking course!_ Phoenix mentally face palmed. _I can_ _ **hear**_ _God laughing at me!_

Well, beggars couldn't be choosers. Desperate times called for desperate measures… And this was possibly _the most desperate_ he'd _ever_ been! Which, considering his recent record of accomplishment with women, was _really_ saying something!

"Larry…This is Phoenix!" He rasped in a hushed whisper. "Quick! I need you to pick me _right this instant_!"

"Oh, Nick! Hello, good buddy! Are we going on a date? Because I don't know if Jacob would –"

"No, we are _not_ going on a date!" Phoenix hissed, peeking at Lana out of the corner of his eye with rising panic. "Look, I've just bitten more than I can chew, and I need your help! Just come pick me up at my house _now_! We can talk then."

"Alrighty! Can do Nicky-poo!"

 _I cannot believe talking to Larry about going on a date and_ _hearing him call me that harrowing nickname_ _ **still**_ _isn't the most disturbing thing to happen to me today…_

Larry hung up, leaving Phoenix and a drunken former Chief Prosecutor alone.

"Alright well, maybe we should…Lana why are you looking at me like that?"

The ex-detective had a devilish grin on her face as she leered at Phoenix and laughed maniacally.

"I heard you talking on your cellular phone and heard you say ' _bitten and chew_!' So you're _that_ kind of guy, are you?"

The next thing Phoenix knew, the newly-strapped Lana had jumped on top of him and pinned him onto the floor, straddling his face so he was eyeball to eyeball with something he had _ever_ dreamed he would be facing in his life. The man-made Johnson looked about ready _to poke his eye out_ if he so much as lifted his head!

"Wait _no_!" He shouted in dissent. "I didn't mean _that_! _Umph_!"

It was too late. The poor ex-defense attorney suddenly had a _mouthful of plastic shaft_ forced in between his parted lips, with Lana apparently oblivious to his wide-eyed head thrashings and gags of protest.

"Come on now Phoenix! It's not so bad!" Lana's vigorous pelvic thrusts only made him gag even harder, as he was unable to even jerk his unwilling mouth away, due to the _death grip_ she had on his head! The damn woman appeared to have been lifting weights in prison, because she was _deceptively_ stronger than she looked!

 _Gah! Someone save me! I wasn't into_ _ **Peg**_ _when she was Al Bundy's wife on Married With Children, am I sure as hell am not into it_ _ **now**_ _!_

Phoenix could feel burning tears in his eyes as his throat began to ache, while the constant forceful movements of his resisting head thudding against the ground was starting to build a massive headache.

In spite of his struggles, _Lana_ quite appeared to be enjoying herself, cackling fiendishly the entire time, and even groped at his nether regions to get a _rise_ out of him, although there was no way his _real man parts_ were going to be cooperating amidst _**this**_ _fresh hell!_

 _What's_ _ **not**_ _good for the_ _ **goose**_ _is_ _ **just**_ _as bad for the_ _ **gander!**_ _Nobody should ever be forced to Deep Throat against their will!_

At last, Lana mercifully stopped subjecting him to the _mouthful of members,_ causing Phoenix to drop to the ground, coughing, splattering and desperately searching for _some sort of liquid_ to quell his burning gullet. His fingers closed around a half-full bottle of water sitting on the coffee table, and he chugged the entire contents down in one guzzle, hoping to soothe his aching throat.

Despite the fact that he'd thought Lana was done torturing him, he realized was completely wrong as she wound her hand up like a baseball pitcher and slapped Phoenix heartily on his ass. He yelped loudly as her palm connected to the tender spot that'd been bitten by the crab, and undoubtedly would have been inflicted worse pain if he hadn't scamper away on all fours, in a manner not entirely unlike a crustacean!

"Aww…Come on Phoenix! No need to be shy!" Lana hiccupped again and hooted shrilly as she waved her heteroclite adorned pelvis at him, all the while beckoning for him to come over.

"No, it's OK Lana!" He cried hoarsely. "I think I've had _enough_ of my turn…Perhaps _you_ would like a turn now? _Please_?"

"No silly! It's too early for my turn! I still have to let _you_ enjoy your turn!" Lana jumped from the couch on top of Phoenix and crushed her mouth against his resisting lips while groping at him wildly.

The _deviant freak_ (who all this time had been disguising herself as a normal girlfriend) unzipped his pants and pulled his dong out, keeping a firm grip on it while expertly maneuvering herself so that she was now facing his lap, while straddling his face. In this coerced 69 position, she then commenced giving his flaccid member some lusty lip service, while simultaneously positioning her faux male parts back down his barely recovered gullet!

Any pleasure Phoenix may have gotten from the attention being lavished on the lower half of his body was completely negated by the fact that his throat once again felt like it'd caught fire! He was even having trouble breathing as the merciless _plastic demon pecker_ kept being forced down his throat over and over!

Lana continued relish being the giver of mouthful ministrations at her end, but her movements were so vigorous and painful on his resisting unit that it still felt more like _assault_ rather than enjoyable foreplay of any sort!

 _Ouch! I don't know what's burning more, between my no-no places and my damn throat! I suppose I should be grateful she's not getting_ _ **teeth**_ _involved!_

Phoenix knew he had to get _the hell out of there,_ but he had no iota of how to achieve this!

It seemed luck was finally on his side however. At that moment, completely out of nowhere, a bird suddenly flew into the place, thanks to the open window it had found in the screen, which had a hole torn into it.

"Hey Mr. Bird! How are you?" Lana thankfully lifted her head, her oral attentions diverted from _Phoenix's bird_ , giving his tenderized man parts a much _desired and needed_ break as she let out a small twitter.

She jumped off of Phoenix and walked over to the bird, now perched on the couch. The grateful pianist gave a silent _thank you_ to whatever forces were listening, and limped up from the ground. He slowly walked over to the window to peer at the hole when he saw Larry pulling up outside from the window.

 _Oh sweet Jesus! Thank you!_

Phoenix had never been so happy to see Larry before in his life as he gave another silent _thank you_ to the universe and heavens.

"Hey Lana, I'm going to go um…See if there are any other Mr. Birds outside! I'll be right back!"

"Huh? Oh, OK!" She hiccupped. "Bring back as many as you can find! Lookit you, pretty birdy!"

Phoenix didn't even reply as he rushed out to Larry's van. He quickly jumped inside without even bothering with a greeting.

"Larry, I don't care where you go – just _drive_! Drive fast, drive far and _drive me the hell out here_!"

Larry just nodded obediently as he drove out onto the street, casting an appreciative glance at his friend as he did so.

"Hey Nicky…I always wanted to play a little game of _measure for measure_ with you, but I don't know if the van, _while I'm driving_ , is the best time or place!"

Phoenix gawked at his friend blankly, before Larry pointed down, making the aghast card shark realize he'd run outside like a bat out of hell so quickly, that he'd never even _put his junk away_!

Blushing furiously, he quickly tucked himself from out of sight from Larry's _prying eyes_ and zipped his pants back up, all the while silently pointing ahead, signaling the artist to drive on.

The New Year that had started off so well, had taken a very a complete _turnabout 180!_

Fate was as cruel as death, which was something Phoenix knew firsthand. They were the demons in his life, the ones that held onto his neck so tight they squeezed the air out of him. Yet he figured at least fate would eventually get tired of suffocating, that its clutches would numb. Love was like that; when it got in its strongest, it always weakened and eventually let go, just when he thought he'd finally gotten it within his clasp. Fate, it seemed, was determined to let it dangle before him, like a tantalizing carrot, before heartlessly snatching it from his grasp.

 _I am fortune's fool indeed,_ he thought grimly. _As for fate…thou art a douche!_


	14. Ack! TONGUE! Baby!

_JP: Thanks so much to my loyal reader Ariastella for her help with writing parts of this (check out her stuff my wall she's awesome!) as well as her suggestions on this chapter!_

 _blindknyttstories - So um yes JP got some help from the lovely Ariastella, big shout out to her...Um well I'm pretty sure it's safe to speak my mind since I escaped from JP...Is that a dog I hear?"_

* * *

 **Chapter Fourteen: Ack! TONGUE! Baby!**

 _Local Movie Theatre –_ January 28, 2025

"Thanks again for rescuing me from Lana, Larry," Phoenix said as the men walked through the entrance doors of the movie theater.

"No problem," Larry shrugged. "It's still only early afternoon, and too early to go to a bar or anything, so the only place I could think of to take us to was the cinema."

"I can't member last time I'd been to the movie theater, but it will be a great temporary escape from grim reality, surely," Phoenix replied, staring up at all the listed shows and times of at least two dozen different films, none of which he was familiar with. "It's a dark comedy with no romance and everything goes wrong for the main character."

" _Huh_?" Larry cast a quick glance at the movie posters, and then at the listed films, before turning back to regard his friend quizzically. "Did I miss something? _What_ film is _that_?"

" _Film_? _What_ film?" Phoenix deadpanned. "I'm describing _my life_!"

Seeing the stunned expression on the speechless Larry's face was priceless, and he let out a rueful chuckle.

 _I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. I'm attracted to everyone when I first meet them. And then it wears off. It always wears off. I suppose I should be grateful that any of these women want to have anything to do with me at all, given that I'm just a disgraced hobo bum now._ _ **What**_ _makes_ _ **me**_ _worth dating? What makes me worth fucking_ _ **anything**_ _?_

"I don't mean to go all dark on you there," he said aloud. "I shouldn't be surprised that another one bites the dust. I'm just thinking my bad luck with women has to end at _some_ point, right?" A saddened look crossed his face, and he quickly forced himself to smile as he turned back towards the movie listings. "Anyway… I feel kind of _lost_ here! I haven't really been following the upcoming movie trailers or celebrity gossip, so I wouldn't even know what's out or good anymore."

 _All I care about is the fact I am out of the house and away from that drunken,_ _ **backassed twaddle fuck**_ _, who_ _ **may**_ _or_ _ **may not**_ _still be there when I get back!_

"Cheer up, Nick!" Larry chirped cheerily. "Perhaps _I_ may be able to bequeath you some _womanly_ wisdom?"

"You want _me_ to take _your_ advice on _women_?" Phoenix skeptically regarded his _self-proclaimed,_ _ **newly**_ _ **queer**_ companion, who even _prior_ to switching from _**digging for clams**_ to a life of _**inhaling the oyster**_ , _literally_ and _figuratively_ , been naught more than _a big, weeping dick_ in _all_ his relationships!

"Sure thing!" Larry flashed his trademark goofy grin. "The _quarry_ may change but never the _hunt_!"

Phoenix barely resisted the urge to start rubbing his temples.

"I think you need to _turn around_ your way of thinking when it comes to your love life, Nick." Larry placed a consoling hand on his friend's shoulder, ignoring the scowl this comment earned him. "Try considering at it all from a _different_ perspective – look at this like you're in a long _distance relationship_! Your Ms. _Right_ girlfriend...is merely _in_ _the future!_ "

Upon hearing this, the ex-attorney literally groaned, rolled his eyes and turned his head away from the mind-numbing _ridiculousness_ that was Larry Butz.

"Hey, I'm sorry if I pissed you off, Nick." Larry mumbled awkwardly, noticing his friend's adverse reaction. "I've always been more blasé about the opposite sex than you though…so maybe I really _don't_ know anything about women. Hell, it's probably why I'm gay now! My constant mentality was pretty much: ' _You should be able to go about your business, piss me off, and not give a fuck. After all, it's what men do!'_ Of course, that also explained why I kept getting dumped and was perpetually single."

This atypical form of Butz self-realization was rarer than a unicorn, and Phoenix actually found himself turning around again to face the other man, and arching an eyebrow.

"Jacob's always saying he hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person." Larry grinned sheepishly. "But that's like telling a _samurai_ not to use his _sword_ …"

 _Good grief! Don't say_ _ **samurai**_ _! My poor, battered mind automatically winds up going to the_ _ **bad, dark, place**_ _that I've been trying to suppress with alcohol for the past six years…_

"But I digress." Larry looked at him earnestly. "I don't envy you, Nick, really I don't. The dating game is tough. I lucked out with Jacob. _Men_ are just so much _easier_ than women, less _complex_ , you know what I mean? There's no mood swings or being towed around the mall on endless shopping excursions to deal with! _Men_ tend to shop the same way they have sex _; they figure out what they want: a quick in and out, then home in time to watch the game."_

Phoenix couldn't help but crack a slight smile at that one. "I had no idea that _playing for the other team_ now meant that you were such an avid sports enthusiast!"

"Oh, I most certainly am _not_!" Larry guffawed. "And _neither_ is Jacob! While his dad has been very accepting of his son's lifestyle, he _still_ refuses to acknowledge that Jacob will _never_ be athletic and has _zero_ desire to have any type of _balls flying at his nose_ , except in the _metaphorical_ sense! His old man recently gave him a set of golf clubs for his birthday. My boyfriend's exact words to me afterward were: _"Here's hoping someone tries to break into our house pretty soon so I can finally try them out!"_

This time Phoenix actually laughed out loud. Larry Butz had his moments sometimes, he really and truly _did_!

"Now _what_ were we talking about again?" Larry scratched head with a puzzled expression. "A GPS, but for where I was going with this…" He blinked then, and scrutinized the film options once more. "Right! We still need to pick a movie! Hmmm…there's a dark comedy/slasher flick about a bunch of promiscuous teens who keep being murdered… _I Know_ _ **Who**_ _You Did Last Summer_?"

"I'm not picky! After all, _you're_ treating!" Phoenix smirked. "Therefore, feel free to choose whatever is clever. It's _got_ to be better than the alternative fate I'd have faced had I stayed at home - I still don't know _what_ I would've done if you hadn't answered your phone!" The pianist shuddered as he recalled the harrowing scene back in his apartment with the former Chief Prosecutor. "That woman is totally _away with the fairies_ , you know what I mean?"

"Hey!" Larry yelped indignantly, shooting his friend a wounded look. "Derogatory nicknames for _me and my people_ are so unnecessarily cruel, Nick! We prefer the term _gay,_ I'll have you know!"

"What?! No, Larry…"

"You can be such a _meanie_ at times!" Larry cried, his eyes already, on command, swimming with tears, as was tradition. "I refuse to accept your labels of any sort! Like " _immature_ " and " _irresponsible_ " and _"don't drink while taking this medication!"_

Phoenix stared at the recently came _flying_ from the closet Larry Butz blankly for a moment, and then closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

 _Jesus H. Christ! Larry, you_ _ **giant, flapping anus**_ _! I was_ _ **not**_ _trying to make a euphemism nor insinuate that She- Who-Face-Fucked-Me was off_ _ **fluttering**_ _with a bunch of flamboyant_ _ **screaming queens!**_

"You vibrate on a _very_ strange frequency, you know that, Larry?" He let out a long-suffering sigh. "When I said _fairies,_ I was _not_ commenting on the type of men that are _angling_ for _I've_ got _dangling!_ I meant her _rocket_ isn't _working_ on all thrusters!"

" _Thrusters_? _Oh myyy_! That sounds so _deliciously naug_ hty!" Abruptly, Larry stopped crying and leered lasciviously. "It reminds me of when _Sugar Tush_ and I were first courting. This one time, when he and I were about to go out on a date, he asked me if I had a " _keg in my pants."_ And, when I asked him " _why?"_ in return, he told me that he really wanted to _"tap my ass!"_

Phoenix just stared at him, wondering _how_ _the_ _hell_ they had gone from talking about Lana's slippery grip on reality, to hearing about the life and times of Larry _now getting it in the_ Butz!

 _I can't imagine what qualities you may have that would compensate for your behavior in public. I really can't..._

His expression was impossible to ignore, and even the normally clueless artist picked up on it, and was immediately contrite.

"Sorry to have gone off on a tangent like that about my _Schmoopsie-Poo!_ Although, I'd like to think being an artist _does_ give me a free pass to be a _bit_ _eccentric_!" Larry shrugged with deliberate insouciance. "I'm a difficult person. Everyone's a difficult person. But Jacob was accepting of _my_ brand of different. He was down with it."

"That's kind of sweet, I guess…" _The_ _ **sentiment**_ _._ _ **Not**_ _the_ _ **nickname**_ _! Ugh, I think that would affect my_ _ **stomach**_ _more than my_ _ **heart**_ _!_

"Jacob accepts me as I am, and I, in turn, let him call most of the shots when it comes to major decisions," Larry elucidated. "Even when I was _lost_ and _hadn't found myself yet_ , I never liked telling other women what to do or how to do it or when to do it, and I'm still that way now with _men_. Ergo, I allow my _Mooky-Pooky_ to take _my_ _paycheck_ and then give me _an allowance_!" He cracked up upon seeing Phoenix's incredulous expression. "I've been trying to tell him he should run for _public office_!"

"That's just… _super_ , Larry!" At this point, Phoenix had heard enough about Mr. _Schmoopsie-Poo/Mooky-Pooky_ (he couldn't decide which one was _worse_!) To last him _several lifetimes_! "Let's just pick a movie already, shall we?"

Ultimately, Phoenix ended up being dragged to the originally suggested horror movie, _I Know_ _ **Who**_ _You Did Last Summer_ , and was already reveling in the concept of not having to hear another _peep_ from Larry, about Jacob, relationships, or _anything_ for the next two blissful hours!

As the lights dimmed and the movie trailers began to roll, Larry turned towards Phoenix and made a point of informing him, after _each and every preview,_ "The _actual_ film will be _much_ longer than that."

Phoenix merely grunted in response, and wished he was wearing his beanie to yank down over his eyes. Instead he leaned back against the plush headrest and closed his eyes, willing slumber to overcome him and put him out of his misery.

 _Sometimes, I do this cute thing where I somehow let my so-called best friend take me to a movie I don't want to watch and then fall asleep halfway through… This time I'm just starting extra early…  
_

* * *

 _Zippers Bar_ – January 28, 2025

By the time the men had left the movie theater, and Larry had generously offered to buy Phoenix a bite to eat afterward, it was early evening. He'd already texted his daughter, who had work that night at The Wonder Bar, anyway, to let her know that he was out with Uncle Larry and would see her later that night when she returned home, already surmising that since Trucy hadn't mentioned anything about harboring an _insane in the membrane,_ intoxicated female, cooing "Hey, pretty birdie," at their residence that Lana had at last, left the premises and that the coast was clear for his eventual return!

There were now headed to a bar that Larry claimed to be his all-time favorite _taproom_ , and had _insisted_ Phoenix would love. He'd reluctantly agreed to this, even though it meant spending _more time_ in the aggravating man's company, simply because his affable nature wouldn't allow him to have the heart to negate the offer! Was he _supposed_ to say? _When you said we should go for drinks, I didn't know you meant_ _ **together**_ _…?!_

A purple, neon light flickering above the bar showed that the name of the watering hole was _Zippers_ , which he thought was kind of odd, but didn't think twice about it, figuring that he'd suffered enough that day that he _deserved_ to have a good, stiff drink. It had been nearly 5 months since he had kicked the wine habit, so he was probably a lightweight at this point, and it wouldn't take too many to numb him into oblivion!

"Oh damn, my art agent is calling me," Larry frowned at his phone as it went off just as they were about to enter the place. "I've got to take this call, Nick. You go on ahead and order whatever you want. Tell the bartender that you're a friend of mine and to put it on my tab. I'll see you in a few minutes."

Phoenix nodded and walked through the door. He pushed his way through the crowd of people, eyes focused directly on the bar. When he sat down on the stool, he simply ignored the stream of whispers around him, and lifted a finger to signal to the bartender that he wanted to order.

A pretty blonde barmaid popped up, her eyes scanning him appreciatively as she asked him the traditional question. "Hello, Stud! What can I get for you tonight?"

"I've had a rough day, and all I need is a stiff one, please." Phoenix sighed, laying his head down on the bar top, eyes closed.

"Your wish is my command!" She let out a rich, throaty chuckle.

Her voice, while light and soft, was also low, but not so much that it sounded strange coming from her. However, _something_ about it was… _unnerving_ … He didn't know _why_ , though, so he just shoved the uneasy feeling into the back of his head.

However, the discomfiting sensation refused to be squelched. _Something_ about the flaxen-haired female behind the bar had triggered something in the repressed recesses of his brain, only to resurface full throttle, as against his will, his memories took them back to that fateful day in September last fall, when things had come to an ugly head…

* * *

 _Wright Talent Agency_ – September 5, 2024

Phoenix felt like shit run over twice that morning. His alarm clock had gone off loudly next to his head, reminding him that he was supposed to get himself up and make his daughter breakfast before she went off to school, but apparently it had stopped its incessant blaring when he had hauled it across the room, as proven by the mark on the wall, and the broken remains on the floor.

Therefore, he was only waking up _now_ , and realizing, to his alarm, that it was no longer _morning_ at all! A quick glance at his wristwatch on his night table told him that it was _**1:45 PM.**_

Holy _crapacola_! Trucy would _already_ have gone to school by now! He hadn't even seen her off because he was so damn drunk the night before! Disgusted with himself, he jerked up into a seating position, and tried to ignore the spinning sensation in his head that the abrupt movement had caused. Somehow, he managed to stumble to the kitchen and consumed three glasses of water before he saw the note on the table.

 _How the smell of the wine last night was intoxicating, yet this morning it adds to the nausea. The thirst stays after each slow drink of water and my head feels fit to crack open…_

The short note was written in his 13-year-old daughter's childlike, barely legible scrawl, but he was able to make out the message:

 _ **Good Morning Daddy!**_

 _ **I'm off to school, and I had some oatmeal for breakfast before I left, so don't worry about me, I'm fine! I made enough porridge for us both, and your share is sitting on the stove top in the small pot. I didn't want to wake you up, because you seemed so tired. You were sleeping so heavily, and you didn't even notice when I came by your room and kissed you goosbye and let you know that I was leaving. But that's OK. Just please remember that today is my school talent show, and it's going to be right after school at 3 o'clock sharp! I'll see you there!**_

 _ **Love,  
Trucy**_

Phoenix was filled with unmitigated self-loathing as he read the note. He didn't deserve such a compassionate and understanding gem for a daughter, he really didn't. He couldn't _believe_ he had forgotten Trucy's annual talent show was _that_ day! She'd even _written it_ and _circled it in_ _red_ on the calendar!

Nevertheless, it had slipped his mind because as soon as midnight had hit the night before at The Borscht Bowl Club, he had done what he had been doing every September 5 for the last five years since he'd lost his badge, and hit that bottle _hard_ , trying to mentally obliterate that it was the _eight year anniversary_ of the death of his beloved mentor, Mia Fey, and the exact same day he had met his former office assistant, Maya.

September 5, 2016 marked the anniversary of the worst day of the year for him, even worse than the anniversary of April 19, the date when his life as he'd known it had been destroyed forever. The day he had been disbarred. At one point it had been bittersweet, as the day he had lost the woman who had meant everything to him had also been the day he had met the _other_ woman, then just a mere slip of a girl, who later had come to mean…

 _No! I'm not going down this path again! I can't! It – it hurts too damn much!_

He felt himself panicking as he looked up at the kitchen clock and saw that was now nearly 2:00. Dammit! He had just _under an hour_ to shower, clean himself up, and haul his ass over to the school!

He tugged himself to the bathroom and stared at his haggard face and disheveled haired reflection in the mirror. The hangover felt like a balloon under his cranium, slowly being inflated, pressure mounting. He splashed cold water on his face just to feel something refreshing and instantly wished he could wash my brain free of the toxins, as well. The mirror showed his bloodshot eyes, a lattice of pink over the white.

 _If I leave in the next five minutes, I can do this and make it on time. I just need a little_ _ **hair of the dog**_ _to take the edge off, and then I'll be fine!_

Of course, _a little_ winded up being _a lot_ , and by the time Phoenix made it to the bus stop to take him to Trucy's school, he had ingested about a bottle and a half of his preferred poison. The hangover itself was no longer as fierce, but the consequential _state of tipsiness_ he was now in most certainly _was_!

Even though he had been at the junior high on several occasions before, he couldn't seem to find his way to the auditorium, and made about half a dozen wrong turns, before he finally staggered into the right place and found a seat amongst the throng of other parents and students who were watching the current performer onstage. Darting a quick glimpse at his watch, he saw that it was 3:15 now.

Phoenix turned to the dorky man in glasses and thinning red hair seated next to him, who he dimly recognized as the father of one of Trucy's friends, and whispered in his ear, "has my little girl been on yet?"

"Not yet," the portly man, whose name the pianist recalled was Hammond, but went by the more fitting name _Ham_ , whispered back. "But you did miss Jinxie's talent performance, which was _juggling_ a whole bunch of weird, voodoo-ritual looking items while _riding a unicycle_! She was _really_ good! Trucy may have some serious competition this year! My daughter's up next!"

" _Your_ _daughter_?" Phoenix echoed blankly. "I thought _Jinxie_ was your daughter?"

"Are you _drunk_ or something?" Ham eyed him dubiously. "Do I look _Asian_ to you? Jinxie is _Mayor Tenma's_ daughter, Mr. Wright! _Gouda_ is mine."

"Of _course_ I'm not _drunk_!" Phoenix flushed and awkwardly scratched the back of his head. " _Gouda_ …right…yeah… The two girls are really good friends with my baby girl. Little Jinxie Tenma and little Gouda…" His mind searched desperately in vain for the ginger adolescent girl's surname.

" _Berger_!" Ham exclaimed with exasperation. " _Gouda Berger_! Your daughter was _just_ at her birthday party last weekend?"

"Right!" Phoenix felt the guilty blush coloring his cheeks. "I _knew_ that! Heh, heh…"

"Yeah, _right_ ," Ham muttered disgustedly, crossing his doughy arms across his man boobs.

Luckily, Phoenix was spared further embarrassment as Gouda appeared next onstage, wearing a sparkly leotard and holding two batons in her hands, which she then proceeded to twirl about in a near professional fashion to One Direction's "What Makes You Beautiful."

"Way to go, Gouda!" Ham called proudly, his loud voice booming in the large room. "Show them all that Berger magic! Wipe the floor with them!"

"Hey now!" Phoenix couldn't help but frown at the older man. "First of all, this is supposed to be a _friendly_ competition, there is no need for you to be all _crazy hockey dad_ here! And secondly, there is _nobody_ more _magical_ than my little girl!"

" _My_ little girl is going to be on the national team for baton twirling!" Ham countered, curling his lip at Phoenix. " _Your_ little girl is _small potatoes_ in comparison!"

 _Shut the hell up, Ham Berger! Or should I call your lumpy self…_ _ **Ham and potatoes**_ _?! How_ _ **dare**_ _you trash talk my daughter!_

Phoenix glared at him. What was this guy's _problem_? Also, his Trucy was small potatoes compared to _no one_ , least of all to the _offspring_ of a man bearing the same unfortunate first and last name of his former assistant's _favorite food dish_!

" _Boo_!" He found himself drunkenly yelling at the stage, not caring how childish he sounded. Several people in the audience turned around to stare at him, but he didn't care. "You _suck_! And that song is _lame_! One Direction? The _only_ direction they're going is where this _act_ is going – _SOUTH_!"

" _Shut up_!" Ham snapped at Phoenix, his ruddy complexion turning even redder with anger. " _Now_ who's being all crazy hockey dad?!"

In the middle of this all, neither man had noticed that the red-faced Gouda had finished her set, and that Trucy was now onstage, but still hadn't begun her act, as she was staring at her father and Ham, who'd both risen from their seats, with an expression complete horror on her face.

"Don't you dare tell me to shut up!" Phoenix pointed his finger, courtroom style, at the other man until his index was barely inches from Ham's nose. " _You're_ the one who got all out of line and tried playing the _doting dad_ card and _guilt-shaming_ me just because I mixed up your kid's identity with Jinxie's! Well fine! So be it! Thus, _I'm_ going to be both hockey dad _and_ soccer mom from _hell_ , all _rolled into one_!"

At this point, the now pink-cheeked Trucy was steadily trying to ignore the major commotion in the audience and had proceeded to do her famous Asrah levitation trick.

The act consisted of the young magician going through the process of hypnotizing her assistant, and had commanded them to recline on the foldout table Trucy had brought on stage. The assistant was then fully covered with a cloth and now appeared to be _levitating_ underneath it, all the while, with her levitating, draped form still _visible_!

" _Abracadabra_!" Trucy shouted, waving her magic wand.

In the next moment, the assistant slowly floated back down. Trucy quickly yanked off the sheet covering her, and right before the audience's mesmerized eyes, the assistant completely appeared to have _vanished_!

Completely dumbfounded, the crowd burst into enthusiastic applause, which only grew even louder as the assistant, now identified as Jinxie Tenma, appeared from her seated position in the front row of the audience, standing up from her seat and taking a grand bow.

Phoenix yelled and cheered louder than anyone else.

"You see _that_ , _Cheese Berger_?" He shouted at him, standing up in his seat and letting out an ear piercing whistle. " _That's_ the winner of this year's talent show right there!"

"Stop it! Can you _not_ see that you're embarrassing her?!" Ham hissed at Phoenix, who seemed oblivious to the mortified expression on his daughter's face even as she attempted to go into her next act, the sawing the assistant in half trick. "You've made your point! Now _can_ it!"

"Why should she be embarrassed by her old man, who loves her?" Phoenix demanded, pointing his finger away from his rival and towards the stage as he continued to holler. "Trucy Wright! That's _my_ baby girl! You're the best Truce! Daddy loves you!"

There was murmurs of sympathy from the audience, which were then drowned out by applause as Trucy continued her set, and ultimately did wind up winning the talent show, as she did every year.

However, Phoenix was treated to a _very different type of performance_ later that night at the apartment when the curtain came down…

* * *

 _ **Later that evening…**_

 _Wright Talent Agency_ – September 5, 2024

"How was work?" Phoenix asked his daughter when she arrived home that night after her shift at The Wonder Bar. "Congratulations again on _mopping the floor_ with the competition! You should've _seen_ the look on Gouda's father's face!"

"Thanks, Daddy," Trucy mumbled, avoiding his eyes as she hung up her magicians cape and hat by the front door. "I'm going to go to my room now. I have a lot of homework."

"You're not going to have dinner?" Phoenix asked, bewildered by his normally sunny daughter's uncustomary gloomy disposition. "But I splurged and got us burgers to celebrate your big win! I even made the guy put _Gouda_ cheese on them, because this we can say _you ate your competition_!" He grinned impishly, his smile fading when he saw her downcast face. "OK, the _burger_ is still better than my _humor_! Chow down!"

"I'm not hungry." Trucy headed towards the stairs leading up to the apartment.

Phoenix blinked. _Not hungry_?! His daughter normally ate like a _trucker_!

"Truce, what's going on here?" He asked abruptly. "Did something happen at work? Or at school?"

"At _school_?" She exclaimed suddenly, spinning around and facing him then, so he could see the angry tears forming in her blue eyes. "You mean _other_ than being _utterly_ _humiliated_ by my _father_?! In front of the _entire_ staff and student body?!"

"What?!" Phoenix gaped at her, completely aghast. " _Humiliate_ you?! Truce, how can that be?! I was so _proud_ of you! I told _everyone_ around me that would _listen_ that the _star of the show_ was _my_ little girl…"

"First, you slept through the alarm clock this morning, when you _know_ I normally do a quick, last-minute, run through with you whenever I have a talent show, so I was unable to do _that_ beforehand! _Then_ you showed up late, like you show up _late_ for _everything_ , including _all_ of my shows at work, _and_ parent-teacher conferences _and_ picking me up from birthday parties! And _then_ you proceeded to _embarrass the heck out of me_ by putting down my friends, and just making _a complete jerk_ of yourself!" Tears of anger and embarrassment rolled down her cheeks. "How could you _do_ that to me, Daddy? What on earth got into you to make you act like that?! For the first time _ever_ , I almost felt _embarrassed_ to be your daughter!"

Phoenix recoiled at the vehemence of the attack and stared at her with growing dismay.

"Truce, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you! That was _never_ my intention! You must know that!"

"You're always _sorry_ , Daddy!" She stormed, hands clenched into fists by her sides. "But sometimes _sorry_ just isn't _enough_! I _know_ that's not _grape juice_ in those bottles that you keep drinking, OK? I'm _not_ stupid and I'm _not_ a little girl anymore! All this time, I've tried to look the other way, and not judge you, and tried to be understanding because I know how sad you've been because you lost your badge! But I'm at a point now where I think…I think that you love that _wine_ more than you _ever_ loved _me_!"

Phoenix felt as though he'd been slapped in the face. Dear God, Trucy _knew._ She _knew_ his most shameful secret – his drinking, which he had so desperately trying to hide from her. Nevertheless, that realization was still only _half_ as devastating the rest of what she'd said. There was _nothing_ on God's green earth that he loved more than his little girl! She was his _light_! He _had_ to let her know that!

"Trucy," he whispered hoarsely, walking up to the weeping teenager. " _Please_ don't say such things! There's absolutely _nothing_ or _nobody_ in this world that means more to me than _you_! You _have_ to believe me!" He tried to put a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged it off and shook her head violently.

"Leave me alone!" She angrily wiped tears from her eyes with her hands, then looked at him with dull eyes. "I just need some time to myself right now. I'm going to my room." With that, she trudged up the stairs then, not looking back once, leaving her devastated father staring after her.

That night, Phoenix couldn't sleep. In spite of the two bottles of wine he had downed trying to numb the agony of the heated argument he'd had with Trucy, he hadn't been able to dull the searing heartache whatsoever, and couldn't remember the last time he had felt so wretched and empty.

He tossed and turned the entire night, hearing the harsh words his daughter had said to him over and over again, reliving her pained expression every single time he closed his eyes.

* * *

 _Wright Talent Agency_ – September 6, 2024

At some point, he probably did fall asleep, although he hadn't realized it, because when he opened his eyes again the next morning, it was 10:15 AM.

Once again, his daughter had seen herself off to school, and he had missed bidding her goodbye.

There was another note on the kitchen table for him that morning, simply stating that straight after work, where she'd be going right after school (obviously in an attempt to avoid him), Trucy would be going to Jinxie's house, for a back-to-school sleepover event, which she had highlighted on the calendar, and would be back the next morning. The note was simply signed "Trucy" not "Love, Trucy," which gutted him more than any fillet knife ever could have.

Phoenix crumpled the note against his chest and felt his eyes begin to sting.

His daughter didn't love him anymore. He had screwed up too many times and too badly for her to ever forgive him this time.

There was truly nothing left for him.

* * *

 _Big Wangs_ – September 6, 2024

Phoenix had been beyond depressed, and had finally torn through his remaining stash of wine bottles at the apartment, in which he had been attempting to drown his sorrows. Finally, the minute mid-day had come, he had gone straight to the nearest junction of taverns within walking distance, finally settling on his current one simply because the name had actually made him laugh out loud, despite his miserable state.

 _Big Wangs! Surprisingly,_ _ **not**_ _a male strip club! And come_ _ **on**_ _, how do you_ _ **not**_ _laugh at a name like_ _ **that**_ _? This sports bar keeps the mood "light" with some appropriately inappropriately-named menu items ("The Threesome" beer and wings special comes to mind). And of course, there's the slogan that says it all:_ _ **Size matters.**_

Ignoring all the various flat screen TVs showing assorted sports, he held up two fingers to the bartender, signaling he wanted yet another drink.

"A little early, isn't it buddy?" The barkeep raised an eyebrow as he obligingly poured the requested beer for the dejected-looking pianist. "You want me to order you some fries with that at least?"

"It's 5 o'clock _somewhere!"_ Phoenix responded flatly. "And no thank you, just the beer please."

Suddenly, he heard a loud cheer coming from a stunning blonde woman sitting a few stools down, and looked up sharply to see what the hullabaloo was all about. Catching his surprised expression at her enthusiasm, she laughed ruefully and carelessly tossed her satiny locks back over her shoulder.

"What can I say? The German football team is playing _for the win_ and I'm _loving_ it!" She said a friendly smile.

Phoenix smiled back hesitantly, and despite knowing it was rude to be doing so, could not keep from staring at the _vision_ in before him! Even though he had been slightly turned off women since the jellyfish incident with Iris, even in his blitzed out state, he still had to acknowledge that this woman was absolutely _stunning!_

Her complexion seemed tan against the pale, platinum blonde of her hair – remarkably flawless, long, glimmering and styled to the side in an elegant braid. She had enchanting, long-lashed, cerulean eyes, and a blinding smile that put the sun to shame. Her long legs were encased in a fitted pair of black leather pants, and she wore a snug dress shirt underneath a satin blazer. Her casual but professional attire made him think that she was perhaps there on a break from her regular workday, possibly on her lunch hour.

Ergo, he would have to be quick to make his move. He normally ended up being the _pursued_ rather than the one in _hot pursuit,_ but he was intoxicated, lonely, desolate, and this lady was looking _sexier with every sip!_

"I don't know much about soccer," Phoenix ventured in his friendliest tone. "Although I _do_ think it's a game that shows great endurance on behalf of the athletes, seeing as how there are no breaks."

"I _do_ like men with _stamina_ …" The blonde purred, batting her lashes while slowly rubbing the tip of one well-manicured finger around the rim of her glass. "Both _on_ and _off_ the playing field…"

The look of invitation in her eyes was unmistakable, and the next thing he knew she had sidled over to him and placed a hand on his arm.

"What do you say to getting out of here and talking some more about _scoring goals?"_ She breathed in his ear, in what was unmistakably a European accent, one that he couldn't quite place at the moment. "And while we're are at it, perhaps I can also educate you about what you Americans call _soccer,_ too…"

She didn't need to ask Phoenix twice! He didn't even make an objection when she insisted on paying for his tab. This woman was take-charge and _ballsy as hell_ , and he loved it. It was just what he needed.

"I'm here on my lunch break from work," she explained as they headed out the door. "But it's all right if I'm a _little_ bit late going back! We're not too far from The Gatewater Hotel… If that's all right with you."

"Most definitely." Phoenix normally did not make a habit of bringing his dates home, and even though Trucy was at school he didn't feel comfortable sullying his residence with a random hook up, even though the hotel was right across the street from his place. "Lead the way."

* * *

 _Gatewater Hotel_ – September 6, 2024

He hung back in the lobby while the woman requested a room, and followed her silently into the elevator, his heart pounding and pulse racing as she led the way to the suite.

Phoenix was pushed down until his back laid on the bed, while the sexy stranger sat on his left, facing him. She caressed his stubbly cheek and then stole closer, her lips barely touching his mouth. Their breaths mingled as the pianist reached up to run his fingers through that thick, flaxen mane.

"You're so damn sexy," she murmured in his ear as she grazed her knuckles along his cheek.

Phoenix lay stock-still, his mouth parted, his breathing rapid as his lover's azure eyes darkened with desire. She kissed the side of his mouth teasingly, until finally, unable to take it anymore, he reached up and captured her lips, opening up for her, eager to finally get a tang of those lush lips that were positively begging to be kissed. Her sweet taste hit the back of his throat and flooded his senses, lighting a bonfire in his groin. It had been too long, and he was too greedy for slow and easy.

He thrust in his tongue, deep and thorough, against hers. Breathing heavily against his mouth, she leaned down and took full control of the kiss, her lips forceful against his own. Had he cared to listen, he'd have been able to feel that niggling warning in his head, but it'd been dulled by the tremendous influx of alcohol in his system.

He was in a daze as the blonde removed his hoodie with painstaking slowness, and then leisurely ran her hand down the worn cotton of his t-shirt, pushing it up, revealing the lean, supple body beneath it. Her smoldering, appreciative, gaze raked him up and down, unable to tear her eyes away. Her beautiful, thick hair was now mussed around her smooth oval face as she then stroked one finger down his neck, and Phoenix groaned without meaning to. This wasn't real. It was just a dream—so why not enjoy it?

She grazed her nails over his sensitive, exposed nipples, then with expert fingers, tweaked and rolled the hardened beads of flesh, making the ex-attorney arch up into the tantalizing hands, breaking the kiss with a mix between a gasp and a low groan.

"My, my, my, Herr Hobo, aren't you the responsive one? Almost like a woman, in fact. I wonder what would happen if I…" She gave a firm pinch to the hardened nubs, causing Phoenix to moan longingly and jerk his hips upward, throwing his head back against the bed, the act causing the beanie to slide back off his skull, freeing his trademark spikes, exposing them to view at last.

A look of astonishment and recognition flickered over the blonde's tanned face, replaced by an unexpected, knowing smirk, which Phoenix, having had his head thrown back in ecstasy at the time, had missed entirely.

"Looks like I found _Herr_ Hobo's on switch, _ja_?" A brief spark of terrible familiarity flashed through him then disappeared as quickly as it came.

She lowered herself until she was crouched down by his legs, and yanked down his joggers and boxers with one swift motion, unleashing his aching length from its cage.

She was just about to lower her head to take him in her mouth, but Phoenix couldn't stand the thought of being fully naked, while _he_ had yet to set his eyes on that _delectable_ , _toned body,_ which had been pressed so heatedly against his, and sat up quickly, deftly unzipping her pants and sliding them down to knee level. He was pleasantly surprised that she was wearing no underwear, when suddenly _something_ sprang up at him, _nearly smacking him right between the eyes_ as though he'd done _something to upset it_!

" _Achtung_ , baby!"

"Gah! _What the shit?!"_

Phoenix recoiled sharply, as though he had just unleashed some sort of _grotesque mutation…_ rather than merely _a long, rock hard_ _ **man-thing**_ where they _should_ have been… _Feminine paradise_!

" _Christ in a miniskirt_!" Phoenix shrieked, falling back onto the bed, and scooting back as far away as he could from what was obviously _not a woman_ , and shrinking back against the headboard. _"Why,_ _ **in the name of all that is holy**_ _, does_ _ **each one of us**_ _have_ _ **an**_ _ **erection**_ _?!"_ He glanced down at his now _wilted manhood_ and hastily grabbed a pillow to cover his nudity from the amused blue gaze. "Wait, never mind! _Mine_ _**just**_ _died_!"

"Well, well, well… _this_ is something that's never happened before..." The dude _who looked like a lady_ let out another rich chuckle and shook his head at Phoenix's panicked expression. "While I admit we had the whole _intimate strangers_ act down pat, which apparently was _genuine_ on _both_ our halves when it came to not knowing the other's _identity_ until now, I _assure_ you that I _never_ tried to hide _my gend_ er from you in the least!"

Phoenix continued to gape at him as he attempted to drag together the rags of his shattered composure and put together a proper sentence. "You're a _dude_!"

In an effort to _cleanse his mouth_ from _the taint_ of the _non-woman,_ Phoenix frantically and vigorously scrubbed at his lips and tongue against his retrieved hooded sweatshirt so hard, they felt _practically raw_!

"How _astute_ of you to _finally_ notice!" The other man give a shout of laughter, making Phoenix's face turn as red as a beetroot and radiate heat like a hot pan, partly from angry humiliation, and partly from confusion.

"I didn't taste any alcohol of your breath…." He shuddered at the memory of his unfortunate first-hand knowledge of this information. "Therefore, I am _deducing_ that the orange juice you had at the bar had _no alcohol_ in it! Therefore _you_ aren't _drunk_!"

"That's _two for two_ now!" His observation only earned him another smirk.

"But you knew _I_ was a _dude,_ right?!"

"Yesss…." The blond drawled, and amused smile still tugging at the corner of his lips. " _Annd_?"

"Y –You _knew_ _I_ was a _man_ …" Phoenix spluttered in disbelief. "And yet you _still_ … _what the hell_?!"

"Just how _betrunken_ are you, _Herr_ Wright?" The man mocked. "Are you _seriously_ telling me that you did _not_ make this realization _until this very moment_?"

This guy _knew_ him?! Phoenix's bulging, horrified orbs stared uncomprehendingly at the obviously _not_ stranger as he held the pillow in place in front of his lap to maintain his modesty and quickly snatching his discarded underwear and pants from the floor, yanking both on in record time. Who the _hell_ was this man-pretty…man?! He could now place that European accent as distinctly, _unmistakably_ German…

And as his shocked eyes studied the angular lines of that face, a distant memory of it triggered in his mind, only this time the flaxen braid was replaced by shaggy blond locks cut just above chin level, with the purple blazer not being present, and instead just worn with a black button-down shirt and heavy silver chain with a _large, shiny_ _G_ on it…

He was mortified, frozen to the spot. He felt traumatized. He couldn't believe this had happened, and in front this man, of all people! He remained rooted there, soaking in improbability of the ludicrous scenario, and his head began to spin.

 _Herr Wright_ , the man had said?! And then… _Achtung, baby!?_ Right before his _stiffy_ he had nearly poked out Phoenix's eyeball?!

The blood drained from Phoenix's face. While no longer the punk 17-year-old teenage prosecutor who had been a huge part of getting him disbarred, Phoenix cursed himself for letting himself get so inebriated that he hadn't recognized that same _nerve grating, cocksure voice, smarmy air,_ and _smug countenance_ , even _five years later!_

 _I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole. I wish I could drop through a Scooby-Doo style trap door in the floor to escape this mortification. But there shan't be any rescue from this degrading level of embarrassment. It is absolute. Torture. Utter humiliation. The memory will be seared into my brain forever, ready to pop up and torment me again when I'm ever in a quiet moment._

" _Klavier Gavin_?!" He croaked disbelievingly. "Of _course_ I was too drunk to recognize you! Otherwise you would've gotten a _right hook to the kisser_ rather than a _kiss!_ Did _you_ not recognize _me?"_

"Not until that precise moment when your beanie came off, revealing that spiky hair of yours which is forever your legacy," Klavier confirmed, his eyes still twinkling with mirth.

Phoenix averted his gaze as he saw the German's _bratwurst_ was still hanging out on visible display!

"For _the love of God_ , will you _please_ _pretend_ you have _some shame_ and stash away your _goddamn junk_?!"

"You _Americans_ are so _prudish_ ," Klavier remarked casually, as though he'd been wholly unaware his _frankfurter and beans_ had been nearly blinding the disbarred attorney, then shrugged casually as he obliged and pulled his pants back up. "It's been a long time _Herr Wright_ … But to what do I owe such overt hostility?"

" _To what to do you owe_ …?" Phoenix was nearly speechless with fury. "Well for _one_ thing, I'm _not_ gay! I _honestly_ thought your _man-pretty ass_ was a _female's_!"

"For the record, _I'm_ not gay either," Klavier shrugged once more. "I consider myself more _try_ -sexual… As in, I'll _try_ _ **anything**_ _once_! Well perhaps _twice…_ alright, _fine_ … in _this_ particular case, it would've been _thrice_ … just to be sure…"

"I _refuse_ to be your _third time's the charm_ deciding factor for your sexual experimentation you _fake gay_ , _**pseudo she-thing**_!" Phoenix hollered. It wasn't merely a raised voice, there was a seething behind it. Grabbing his beanie off the bed and pulling it back onto his head as he glared at the prosecutor. "I _cannot_ _believe_ you're being so nonchalant about this whole thing! Have you _conveniently forgotten_ that _**you**_ _**cost me my badge!"**_

Phoenix could tell by the look of mild shock on the prosecutor's face and by his cheeks that flushed pink that the reminder had made its mark.

"Alas, I _did_ unfortunately play a hand in that," Klavier acknowledged, with a brief flicker of regret in his eyes, which instantly disappeared as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at the outraged former attorney. "Soooo…. _allow me to make it up to you_ , then, _Herr_ Wright…."

"Drop dead, you _deviant, perverted_ … _**Arschloch**_! I'm _out_ of here!" He shoved past Klavier and stormed towards the hotel room door. "I'm going to go _drink some toilet bowl cleaner_ now so I can annihilate both the _taste_ and _memory_ of you from both my mouth _and_ mind!"

Phoenix had to force himself to pretend to be deaf to the final laughing words of the German prosecutor calling after him.

"Are you _sure_ I cannot find _some way_ to temporarily ease the pain I have caused you? You seemed to enjoy _the_ _talent_ of _these lips of mine_ on _your own succulent ones_ … Just _imagine_ them on _other_ places…"

Phoenix was praying silently as he opted to forsake waiting the elevator and instead _galloped_ down the ten flights of stairs from the room in record time, and out the doors, as though the _hounds of hell_ were on his tail.

 _If there's a God up there_ , he fervently prayed. _Hear my plea!_ _Please,_ _ **please**_ _, I beg of thee, do_ _ **not**_ _ **ever**_ _let_ _ **anyone**_ _find out about this traumatizing incident, from which_ _ **I**_ _myself don't know if_ _ **I**_ _will ever recover from… never mind my poor, sweet, innocent_ _ **daughter**_ _who has already endured enough_! _I'd never live this down as long as I lived if word of this got out. People would be reminding me of this as I eat my mush in the nursing home! There would_ _ **never**_ _be any recovering from it! I'd have to leave town, cast off my identity and start off somewhere new… And_ _ **where the hell**_ _else am I ever going to find_ _ **another**_ _bar that's going to hire_ _ **a phony pianist**_ _… who has spent_ _ **the last five years**_ _completely_ _ **faking**_ _like he knows how to play the damn piano?!_


	15. The Wright Kind of Wrong

_JP - Ariastella, thanks so much for yet again helping write parts of this chapter and your hilarious ideas! Also, we finally find out what finally made Nick swap put down the vino and pick up some grape juice instead!_

 _Blindknyttstories -Well Again here is another Chapter by the amazing JordanPhoenix, she is extremely talented with getting this chapters written this fast!...Again no I'm not being forced to say that, this chains around my feet mean nothing..._

* * *

 **Chapter Fifteen:** **The Wright Kind of Wrong**

 _Show 'n Tail_ – September 6, 2024

 _There's that moment between action and consequence, eternal and fleeting. It's when whatever you did has occurred but the reaction is yet to come. The seed of embarrassment gets wedged inside you ready to blossom red upon your cheeks. For the rest of my life, for as long as I shall live, whenever I recall my_ _ **top most embarrassing moment of my entire existence**_ _, my personal hall of shame, that_ _ **surprise package**_ _of Klavier Gavin will always be where the harrowing memory always starts!_

These were the thoughts were racing through Phoenix's mind as he sprinted from the Gatewater Hotel, his earlier inebriated state having sharply faded after being _traumatically gobsmacked_ into sobriety!

He needed to throw himself, _headfirst_ into something blatantly and undisputedly feminine and _female,_ _right now,_ if he was _ever_ going to recover from this incident, and he needed to do so ASAP, hopefully in a place that had _copious amounts of alcohol_! A place where he was guaranteed to be surrounded by women, all who would be _literally incapable_ of _hiding anything_ … What better place than a so-called _gentlemen's club?_

Phoenix had never been one who was big on the peeler's scene. After all, as far as he was concerned, he hardly fell into any of the categories place where basically, three types of men frequented.

1.) Hard-up, desperate single men, usually scattered throughout the club, with the more adventurous ones in the front row. Shy ones towards the back

2.) Creepy old men that wouldn't even stand a chance _with a corpse!_ Those men usually sat in the back with their eyes fixed on one dancer in a blank stare thinking they will "save" the stripper by the end of the night.

3.) Married men, the guys were unhappy with what they had at home and were looking for some excitement. You could find them scattered throughout the club as well, but unlike the single men they usually came with plenty of singles looking for a cheap thrill before they had to return home to their less than sexy wife.

 _OK, I'll_ _ **admit**_ _it! For the first time in my life… I_ _ **possibly**_ _fall into the first category! Hmm… This section has a whole bunch of nudie bars just doors down from one another! Leave it to Beavers, Looney Poons, Areola 51, and Show 'n Tail…bingo! I'm going to go with the last one it just sounds less… obvious? What does it matter what it's called! The point is everyone in there is a_ _ **woman**_ _… With_ _ **hard, naked evidence**_ _proving as much!_

Phoenix walked into the nearly deserted bar, which wasn't too surprising, seeing as how it was early afternoon on a weekday, and found a seat near the back entrance. It didn't give a very good view of the current performers on the pole, but that was fine by him. He was there for the booze and just a _glimpse_ of some female tail, with no need to _overly immerse_ himself in _pervert's row_ at the front right by the stage!

"What can I do for you?" A sweet, slightly accented voice asked him.

Phoenix looked up to see a pretty, petite waitress with rosy cheeks and a soft smile. Her curly blonde hair brushed her shoulders and she wore stilettos, a cropped halter top, and a pair of tight-fitting leggings, the kind that looked like a garbage bag with multiple slashed openings on the outer thighs (which, he quickly scrutinized, although made her fully covered compared to the nude dancers, were also so snug you could see that she wasn't hiding _any sort of Tootsie Roll_ between them!)

"I need a drink that has _a metric shit ton_ of alcohol in it!" He declared, knowing how overpriced the drinks were at these places, so he figured he'd better choose wisely and make a very carefully selected one or two choices as that was all he could afford, which would hopefully void the horrific memories from the hotel as quickly as possible. In this case, _a_ _mere beer_ just would _not_ do! "What can you recommend?"

"You're in the right place then." A slight smirk played on the blonde's full, coral lips. "Our top sellers with mind erasing qualities are the _Penile Colarous, Red Balls,_ and _Between The Sheets."_

"You've _got_ to be making these up!" Phoenix found a slight smile tugging at his lips at the unplaceable, melodious Eastern European accent, more than the names of the absolutely outrageous sounding drinks. "I mean I wasn't expecting _Shirley Temples_ to be an option in a place like this but _come on_!"

"I kid you not! The only type of _Shirley_ drink we have here is the _Bend Over Shirley_ variety, sir." The waitress returned his teasing smile with one of her own and tilted her head to the side, while fluttering long lashes over beautiful, wide-set, amber-brown eyes. "If you're more in the mood for a shooter, might I suggest a _Screaming Orgasm_ or _Sex Machine?_ "

"I don't know if I could repeat _any_ of those with a straight face!" Phoenix actually cracked up now, and treated her to his most dazzling smile, the one he hardly used anymore. "How about you just _surprise_ me?"

" _Nothing_ would give me greater pleasure, good-looking." The waitress leaned over close so he caught a whiff of her hypnotic perfume, and gave him a lingering, meaningful gaze. "I've got _more ways_ of doing that you than you can _ever_ imagine…"

"I admire a woman with confidence," Phoenix told her, his smile widening. "Plus, you've got to know that you're pretty easy on the eyes, so I can't believe that you're not up there making bigger bucks on that stage!"

"It's a bit of a bum racket being a dancer to be honest with you." A throaty laugh was her response to his comment. "Health insurance is rare in the exotic dancing industry. Most strippers have _little or no coverage_."

He burst out laughing again, and felt a slight _stirring_ within him, which he was happy had not been _completely squelched_ by the situation from earlier. Another _hot European blonde_ , but _this_ one didn't appear to have _a third leg_ or any guile whatsoever, which was _just_ what he needed right now! Plus, she also had a sense of humor, which he'd always found attractive in women. Life was too short to take things too seriously.

 _I really do think I like this one_ , Phoenix thought to himself as he bit back a smirk at the obvious double innuendo. _All kinds of cute, with that great accent and a more preferred, softer, feminine look to her than some of the plastic, harsher-looking performers, plus_ _ **her twin peaks**_ _look_ _ **real**_ _! Another bonus, her_ _ **man hand**_ _is free of any rings so I figure she's single…_

"How about you first start by pulling the rug out from under me with your choice of drink, for starters?" He suggested, affixing her with his best bedroom-eyed stare. "And perhaps when you're done your shift, I can perhaps be privy to see what _other_ types of _surprises_ you have in store?"

"Sounds like an offer I can't refuse." She returned his sultry look with one of her own. "The name's Olga, by the way. And I get off work in just a couple of hours…"

* * *

 _ **Later that evening…**_

 _Wright Talent Agency_ _ **–**_ _September 6, 2024_

Several hours later, armed with a fresh box of wine bottles that Olga had thoughtfully purchased for consumption that night, and many Deep Throats, Dr. Peckers and Slippery Nipples later, the laughing and very drunk Phoenix teetered home with Olga, the tipsy two ravenously devouring one another with heated kisses the entire way.

"I want you so bad," Olga panted into his mouth, grinding against him as he fumbled for the keys to the apartment. "I am unlike any woman you've ever been with before. Absolutely nothing is taboo!"

"I'll do anything you want and more," he promised, planting another searing kiss on her wanton lips.

She arched her back, driving her pelvis into his, to drive her point home, just as he got the door open and they all fell into the bottom level office, barely getting a chance to shut and locked the door behind them. Her lips made a beeline for his throat, frantically sucking and licking at the tender skin there as he groaned, barely being able to set down the box of wine. The caress of her mouth as she sucked on his neck felt connected to his nether regions, and inside his joggers, he felt himself getting a stiff as a board. The scent of her arousal, sweet and musky, rose all around him, ramping up his desire, prompting him to just want to just to toss her onto the small downstairs couch right there in the agency and drive into her all night as they heated up the Wright Talent Agency Office with the fire of their lust.

One hand still tangled in her silky hair, he dropped his other to her butt and hauled her more tightly against him. He lifted her up into his arms and somehow, lips still fused together, he managed to stumble them towards the sofa, falling back on it with Olga on top of him, knowing his booze-fueled ardor was too incensed to even make it upstairs to the apartment. He wanted her to take as much as she could, as much as she needed, right then and right there.

She opened her eyes and looked up at him, her lips swollen and wet. "Tell me. What do you want, Phoenix?"

He panted as the words threatened to break through. He wanted to say them, but the darkness in them wasn't something he was used to letting free.

"Shall I go first? Should I tell you that I want you to _rock me like a hurricane_? What do you say? Hmm? Trust me enough to tell me what you want, and I _will_ give it to you."

He swallowed hard. Olga Orly made him want things he'd been fine not wanting. On one hand, it felt marvelous; on the other, it scared the hell out of him. He let his tongue free because she'd demanded it of him with her own uninhibited behavior. He was going to tell her the way he wanted it. Not gentle, not nice, but hard and dark.

"I want to nail you six ways from Sunday, and every day in between." As the words unfurled, the constricted knot in his chest eased for the first time in years.

"I love a man who knows how to speak his mind," she murmured, looking up at him with hungry eyes. "Tell me something, Phoenix, how many _love gloves_ do you have?"

"Um… I think I have an unused box hidden in one of the desk drawers over there…" He was so turned on he could barely think straight.

"How many are in a box?"

"12…I think…" His breathing was raspy as she her expert fingers trailed lower.

"How many _boxes_ do you have, then?" Her smiling lips slowly descended onto his. "Trust me, we're going to be needing _every and every one of them_ … because you and I are going to put the Kuma Sutra to shame, _experimenting_ and _experiencing_ every single position _you can ever dream of,_ until my knees blow out and my no-no places turn to rubber, you hear me?"

He couldn't speak after that, because her mouth closed over his then, and all coherent thoughts were swept away in a haze of concupiscence.

* * *

 _ **Sometime the next morning …**_

 _Wright Talent Agency_ _ **–**_ _September 7, 2024_

It turned out the insatiable, and apparently _double-jointed_ , _Cirque du Soleil worthy_ Olga Orly had made good in keeping her promise, _surprising him_ in more ways than one, twisting and contorting his body into pretzel-like positions he hadn't even known it was capable of! Mercifully, she had not only possessed toe- curling, unequivocal nimbleness and dexterity, but also her _own protective 12-pack_ , which was most fortunate, since by the next morning, their marathon _bonk-fest_ of _hot monkey love_ had burned through her entire _safety supply_ …as well as _nearly_ all of _his_!

 _Note to self…_ Phoenix drowsily lifted his head off the agency couch where he and Olga had finally passed out on top of each other and carefully flexed the toes on one slightly tender, aching leg. _I need to buy more rubbers. Also, reminder to self, send an apology note and muffin basket to poor neighbors next door, as we may have kept them up all night, and no doubt,_ _ **they**_ _were the ones who probably_ _ **needed a cigarette**_ _after hearing our unbridled X-rated shenanigans all through the night!_

True to her word, as Olga had promised, it had indeed been _the_ most uninhibited, hedonistic, _thrill-banging_ experience of his entire life! Sweet Jesus, it had been _off the charts!_ Five-alarm, _smoking_ _hot_! They had done things that he had _never_ experienced before in his existence, and very likely _never would again_!

 _These European girls_ _ **truly**_ _have no restraints_! He noted, knowing he was grinning like a drunk pig. _We did the kind of antics you_ _ **boast about**_ _on the men's room wall, if I was so inclined to be such a perverted, shameless, kiss-and-tell braggart! Last night…was… mind-blowingly indescribable! I'm talking raw, steamy, sweat-dripping-down-your-back, neighbors-pounding-on-the-wall, ILLEGAL-IN-48-STATES-KIND-OF-SEX!_

The sore all over, but blissfully satiated pianist had been in a drunken cloud of sexual euphoria from the adrenaline fueled, stamina-founded, drunken sexathon the night before, so he had _completely_ _forgotten_ about Trucy's note from the day before, indicating that she would be returning back home that morning. He'd also completely forgotten that there was a _reason_ why he normally didn't do _overnighter stays_ or bring his dates back to _his place_!

Therefore, his semi-hung over but still shockingly horny arse put up little resistance when Olga woke up shortly after he did and immediately climbed on top of him. Her brown eyes lit up with desire of the sight of his sleepy bedroom eyes and completely nude state in the morning light. He was all masculine hardness—nothing effeminate about Phoenix Wright. Tall, commanding, with a rock-hard body defined by years of dedicated jogging, bicycling and _pumping iron... Among other things!_ She roused him awake with playful nibbles at his throat, moving down and nipping at his bare shoulder to let him know that she was not only _awake_ , but _roaring for action_ yet again.

Brushing her lips against Phoenix's ear, she murmured, "I know I have to go soon, but _I_ will _not_ let you escape my clutches so easily. I _know_ you want this. _Need_ it. Need _me_."

"Have mercy, woman! After a dozen trips to the stars and back, I'm not quite sure of all mechanical functions are still in operating order!" He half laughed, half groaned as he put up the world's weakest struggle. "I think you very well may have _worn me down to a nub_!"

Olga ignored him and held his waist, pushing him back down with a determined hand as she then seized his mouth with her own in a scorching kiss.

"You are one _incorrigible siren_!" Phoenix moaned when their lips finally parted. "Also…you play _dirty_."

"And you _let_ me." She lightly bit his lower lip. "I told you, there are _no_ _holds_ _barred_ here! This is _unquenchable Ukrainian_ _thirst_ you have unleashed within me! _And when you go Ukraine, you feel the sex pain!"_

"Damn you, temptress." Phoenix grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her back, hard, and Olga inwardly smiled at how quickly she been able to ignite his sham reticence into blazing passion once more. She knew that despite her impromptu sleepover, and the fact that she had to still go home and get ready for her lunch hour shift at the strip club, she was going to make sure this final romp left him with _something to remember herby_ , _in more_ _ways than one!_

 _Better stretch those aching muscles and limber up, big boy!_ A lascivious smile curved upon her lips. _I'm about to push that delectable body of yours to the very limits, like it's_ _ **never seen before**_ _!_

* * *

 _Wright Talent Agency_ _ **–**_ _September 7, 2024_

"Well, girls, it's a nine o'clock on a Saturday morning," Trucy muttered darkly to her friends as the three teenagers walked down the hallway towards the Wright Talent Agency to drop off her overnight bag before heading for breakfast. "Gee, I wonder where my Daddy _is?_ Or if he's even going to be _awake_ by now?" _Or even sober?_ She added silently but wisely kept this part to herself.

"Come on, Truce. Don't be too heard your father about the talent show," Gouda coaxed. "Yes, he got a little _spirited_ in the role of being your personal cheerleader and everything…"

 _ **Spirited**_ _?! You don't even know the half of it, Missy!_ Trucy sullenly thought to herself.

"… But from what I heard, it _does_ sort of sound like _my_ father started it," the redhead admitted ruefully. "And you know what Dad gets like when he starts bragging about me! So maybe try to give your Daddy a break on this one?"

"She's right, Trucy," Jinxie added. "I mean, under most circumstances, you always said that your Daddy is the greatest guy and he's always done his best to be there for you. We _all_ make mistakes, and I'm sure he feels absolutely terrible about this."

"At least let him make it up to you," Gouda urged gently.

"I guess you guys are right," Trucy sighed as they neared the apartment door. "This little slipup notwithstanding, he really _has_ been the world's greatest Daddy! I could tell he felt really bad when I yelled at him the other night. I'm going to go right in there right now, whether he's awake or not, and tell them how much I love him!"

"Thatta girl!" Jinxie smiled encouragingly, but her expression suddenly changed to one of alarm just as Trucy placed her key into the lock. " _Wait_! Did you guys _hear that_?!"

"Hear _what_?" Gouda asked nervously, with Trucy about to echo the same question, when suddenly _she_ heard it as well – the unmistakable sound of her father's unintelligible, loud, moaned cries from within the confines of the apartment, as though in _agonizing_ _pain_!

"He sounds like somebody's _killing_ him!" Jinxie cried, already reaching for her cell phone to call 911, just in case.

" _Daddy_!" Trucy gasped with dread, frantically jingling her keys in the lock. "Daddy, did you _hurt_ yourself?! Are you alright?!" She flung open the front door with all her might, Gouda and Jinxie in tow, and stormed into the office, her huge blue eyes wide with panic. " _Daddy_ ….!"

In the next instant, the words died in her throat, and her round orbs remained the size of saucers, although the fretful anxiety had now abated, replaced _with absolute shock_ at the _sight_ that greeted her, which was her father, Phoenix Wright… as she had _never seen him before_!

" _Oh my God_! _Daddy_!" Trucy clapped a white gloved hand to her mouth. "Why... are your _legs in the air_?!"

Jinxie and Gouda stared on in astonishment as well, unable to pick their jaws up off the floor at the sight of Trucy's sweaty, _totally bare-assed father_ , in some sort of _bizarre, circus contortionist_ position, with an _equally nude_ , strange blonde lady, who none of them had ever seen before!

" _Holy shit_!" Olga cried, grabbing a nearby sofa cushion and attempting to cover up her nudity, obviously not having expected an audience.

" _Trucy_!" Phoenix gasped in horror, somehow untangling himself and bringing his legs back down to the ground with a heavy thud as he jumped up to his feet, seeming to forget about his completely _naked as the day he was born state_ as he spun around to face her.

" _Gah_!" Reflexively, Trucy clapped a hand over her eyes and sharply turned her head away, before she was _permanently scarred for life_ at the sight! "Daddy! _Remember your shame_!"

"Ain't _nothing_ to be _ashamed_ of from what _I_ can see here!" Jinxie blurted out before she could stop herself, then blushed deeply and clapped a hand over her mouth as well as Trucy turned to glare at her in disbelief. "Sorry, Truce! It's just that… I _just_ totally realized that what all the lady teachers and moms have been talking about! Your dad's _totally hot_!"

"It's _true_!" Although her cheeks were red, Gouda couldn't help but agree with the other girl and didn't even _try_ to mask her blatantly admiring expression. "Your dad _is_ a total _DILF_ , Truce!"

"Someone, _please, just kill me now_!" Phoenix groaned, bending over and desperately trying to find his pants, causing both Jinxie and Gouda to simultaneously crane their necks in order catch a glimpse of his bare backside.

" _Stop_ _checking out my Daddy_!" Trucy screeched, looking like she was ready to punch the living daylights out of _both_ of them! "You guys are _such_ freaks!"

"Trucy!" Jinxie wailed plaintively. "You can't really _blame_ us for _looking!_ I mean, he's not _our_ dad!"

"I am so _not hearing this_!" Trucy clapped her hands over her ears, momentarily distracted by the _eyeball rape_ she had been subjected to at the sight of her _buck naked father_ , and instead now focusing on what _utter perverts_ she had for friends! "You two are _sick_!"

"Seriously, has Mr. Wright always been that _buff n'stuff_?" Gouda didn't even seem to care that she was now _openly drooling_. "I mean Jinxie, he's _nearly as jacked up_ as _your_ dad!"

"Are you _freaking kidding_ me?!" It was Jinxie's turn to shriek now as she glowered at the redhead. " _Eweth_! Gouda, you _sicko_! You've been _eye-banging my_ Daddy too?"

"Sure, why not?" Gouda shrugged with deliberate nonchalance, uncaring that her next words were an ironic echo of her friend's previous ones. "After all, he's not _my_ dad! Ugh! I mean, don't get me wrong, I _love_ my dad and all, but cut me some slack here! You know that I know that you know that I know that absolutely _nobody_ ever wants to see _Ham Berger get naked!"_

"Stop saying _naked_!" Trucy shouted, blindly reaching for the door and throwing it open. "I don't want to hear another _peep_ about _any_ of our _fathers, nuding up or otherwise,_ from _either_ one of you pervs!" Without another look at her _paralyzed with horror_ father, she stomped out the door, although neither Jinxie nor Gouda immediately followed. The magician whirled back around and her incensed eyes shot daggers at the _two newest, (unofficial) fan girl members of the Phoenix Wright Fan Club_! "Jesus Christ, will you two stop _ogling_ my _indecent exposed Daddy_ and get your _gawking asses_ out of there, already?!"

"Speaking of _asses_ …" Gouda couldn't resist adding as she took one last, long, _lingering_ eyeful before Jinxie _forcibly_ shoved her right out of the apartment. "For the record Truce, you're pretty lucky! Your Daddy has _great buns_! You could totally _bounce a quarter_ off of them _sweet cheeks!_ "

" _Shut up! Shut up! Shut up_!" Trucy's hysterical squawking was heard all the way down the hall in response. "There is _no_ amount of _therapy_ on _earth_ that will _ever_ get me past _this_!"

 _But for the grace of God I wasn't subjected to the_ _ **Full Monty,**_ _thanks to the_ _ **strategic placement**_ _of that floral vase on the coffee table, allowing me to remain_ _ **partially**_ _unscathed from all this! Ergo, I could_ _ **possibly**_ _recover from this whole, traumatizing ordeal by the time I'm_ _ **30! ... Maybe!  
**_

* * *

 _Zippers Bar_ _–_ January 28, 2025

Phoenix mindlessly downed the shooter the pretty blonde bartender had given him, "on the house" but bizarrely named a _Cock Sucking Cowboy,_ barely coherent of his surroundings as he mulled over how he been forced to finally do yet another, much needed turnabout in his life after that fateful day last September…

* * *

 _Wright Talent Agency_ _ **–**_ _September 7, 2024_

 _That_ had been when Phoenix Wright had realized his drinking had truly made him finally hit rock bottom, and thought he had lost the light of his life forever, first by _humiliating_ her in front of her entire school, and by then distressingly embarrassing her even more, while concurrently and _unwittingly_ giving her girlfriends _a thrill_ – he wasn't quite sure _which_ was worse, but figured they were about equal levels on the shameful, self-loathing scale! For the rest of his days, he would _never_ forget the look of horrified betrayal, disgust and devastation in Trucy's eyes before she had run out of their apartment.

 _I am a bad, bad parent,_ he had realized achingly, when he had finally been alone, replaying the disturbing, upsetting scenarios, over and over again in his mind, that had led up to this groundbreaking moment, the self-realization. _I never meant to be. I wonder if it's just what happens when you take a love that strong and mix it up with unexpected misfortune, self-pitying, uncertainty and fear. Like every decision ever made, they are based on a combination of the facts at hand and the underlying facts involved - core motivation, I guess. There was still the fundamental hope of things getting better someday, coupled with love for my daughter, that came together and were all that kept me going since my world collapsed around me._

He stared forlornly at the portrait of his beautiful daughter on his night stand, which was blurry due to the stinging tears in his eyes.

 _It was her, and her alone that gave me the strength to keep trying to move forward, while at the same time, addressing the underlying anxiety, reassuring me that despite not having much to give her, somehow she could still be happy in a world when I could no longer walk a pace behind her, ready to catch her if she fell. My love was never conditional or time limited, it had no expiry date, but in my failure to adequately transmit that, I failed her in the worst possible way. All my baby girl ever needed was to know that I'd love her no matter what, stop letting her down, and keep my promises to her. Because otherwise I'm no better than the selfish son of a bitch that abandoned her in the first place!_

That night when Trucy had come home, things had come to a head. There had been words spoken, and tears shed on both ends. Then she had stood by and watched him pour every single bottle of wine in the house down the drain, right in front of her. And he had sworn to himself from that day forward to forgo _the mating game_ for _the dating game_ and finally try to find his precious angel the long sought-for Mommy that she deserved. He would find them the _future Mrs. Wright_. And he would do it _sober._

When they had finally made peace with one another, he had sat back on the couch, with Trucy's satiny head resting against his shoulder.

"I don't judge you for trying to seek comfort in wine or even turning into a wino, Daddy," she assured him. "And I _do_ forgive you. What I _don't_ understand was how I got mad at you for being a complete jerk, _because you'd been drinking_ … yet you _still_ went out and _drank more_ and hence, ended up bringing that _hoochie mama_ home?!"

Phoenix felt a lump forming in his throat, as he tried to find the words that could possibly explain what had driven him to that sports bar, and thus set off the series of unfortunate events which had led to him getting, _literally_ , caught with his pants down.

"I –I was trying to obliterate an even _worse_ pain than the one I felt when I lost my badge. I thought the day had come that I'd lost you for good, Truce," he choked. "When I read that note of yours that morning, and it just was signed " _Trucy_ " instead of " _Love, Trucy_ "…. I – I thought you didn't love me anymore."

"Of course I _still loved you_!" The magician lifted her head off of him then, and stared him right in the eye with heartfelt, compassionate blue orbs that were swimming with tears. "I was just _mad_ at you, that's all!"

"I know _I'm_ the grown up one who is supposed be offering _you_ shelter and comfort and support, Trucy. But somehow, I just keep messing up, even though I never _mean_ to." Phoenix shook his head, and realized his own eyes were wet as well. "I'm not sure I deserve your love, and I also understand if you won't be able to forgive me."

Trucy reached over then, and placed her tiny hands over his, her expression earnest.

"Daddy, my biological father left me behind like an orphaned puppy on your doorstep, right after he had caused you to lose everything. And yet you _still_ found it in your big, beautiful heart to take me in, giving me the protection of your name, and raising me as your own, never once ever making me feel _unwelcome or unloved,"_ she whispered brokenly _._ "Even though we didn't have much money, you turned your _house_ into a _home_ for me. It was a safe haven from the destructive storm that had invaded my life when my father left me, which surely would've been an unspeakable hell if it weren't for you."

A stifled cry was heard then, but Phoenix wasn't sure which one of them emitted the sound.

"Without _you_ , Daddy…" Trucy continued, pausing only long enough to wipe her damp eyes with her magician cape. "Without the love _you_ gave me, without the gentleness of your personality, I don't know what would have happened to me. Growing up with my birth father, life was never stable, not really. As magicians we lived the lives of drifters, always shifting from one place to another during my early childhood years. All of that changed, because your life did the ultimate turnabout when you _lost your badge_ and unexpectedly gained a daughter. Even throughout the mistakes you've made, still, in the end, there was always _you_. You were always easy with your honest advice, and guidance and support. On top of being my _father_ , you have also been my _friend_ , as well as the sole rock in my life - an anchor point - to always keep me grounded, safe, and where I belong."

This time Phoenix wasn't able to hold back the muffled sob that had erupted from his throat. Couldn't have even if his life had depended on it.

"You've sacrificed so much because of me, including not even finding a wife to have your own children with. When I put all of that together, compared to these alleged unforgivable sins you feel you've committed against me, what kind of child would I be not to forgive you? If anything, I don't think I say this often enough…" Unable to hold back her tears now, Trucy lurched herself into Phoenix's arms, the tears falling out of her eyes as quickly as the words tumbled out of her mouth. " _Thank you,_ Daddy. Thank you for loving me more than my own birth father could have ever _dreamed_ of loving me. And, Daddy, it is now _my_ turn to ask for _your_ forgiveness."

" _What_?" He gaped at her in surprise, not even trying to mask the teardrops that had fallen from his own eyes. "Trucy that's preposterous! You don't to apologize for anything! What have _you_ ever done that you think _I_ need to forgive?"

"You're wrong." She sniffled and peered into his face with watery, repentant eyes. "I am so, so sorry, Daddy, to _ever_ dare say that I was embarrassed to be your daughter. Because absolutely _nothing_ gives me more pride than being able to tell the world that I am _Trucy Hecate_ _ **Wright**_ _."_

Phoenix had never known what selfless, parental love was until that fateful day in May, when he had called her into his office, five years previously. He had known kindness, but the negative influences in his life had outweighed the good until then. The happiest day of his life was when the adoption papers had been finalized and legally declared him her father, making it official that Trucy was his. That feeling returned to him, full force, as he wrapped her in his protective embrace as though he'd never let her go.

In that moment, as he held his emotional teenage daughter in his arms and silently let his own tears fall into her soft hair, the most perfect feeling he had ever known had swept through him. He was rocked to his core. He once again renewed his initial vow that he would do _anything in the world_ for her. He would be her hero, her keeper, the one who gave her hugs and kept her safe. Trucy Wright was forever his light. And Phoenix Wright would always be her Daddy.

* * *

 _Zippers Bar_ _–_ January 28, 2025

" _Blue Balls,_ gorgeous?"

"Say _what_?" Phoenix looked up with a start, having been so lost in his memories that he hadn't even noticed how closely the blonde was now standing to him as she leaned down so that they were nearly at face-to-face level and he could feel her warm, minty breath. He didn't consciously notice how the surrounding area seemed to have grown a little quieter, although he _did_ feel the hair on the back of his head begin to stand on end, giving him an _inexplicably_ cold, sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach.

"For your next shooter, silly boy." A rich throaty chuckle. Phoenix was suddenly reminded of the fact that it had been that _very_ laugh which had triggered his recollections of his nearly carnal encounter with the man-pretty, _dude looks like a lady_ Klavier Gavin, in the _first_ _place_!

"Er, no thanks." He _refused_ to repeat the name of the last X-rated shooter he had been given. "I'm, ah, nicely tided over with my last shot that you gave me, thanks."

The bartender leaned forward even more so that Phoenix caught a nostril full of her overpowering perfume. "Well, well, well, Sugar Tush…"

He recoiled at the nickname, partially due to the inappropriateness of it, but mostly due to the fact that triggered yet another memory he would've preferred to have squashed.

 _ **Sugar Tush**_ _?_ He squeezed his eyes shut and dipped his head down as he racked his brain for why those two words had triggered such a reaction from him. _Ugh, isn't that what Larry calls his boyfriend, among his list of nauseating nicknames?_

"If all you wanted was something _stiff_ , then _I_ can _most certainly_ provide you with it," the blonde cooed.

 _OK…what the hell does_ _ **that**_ _mean?!_

Looking up, Phoenix found the barmaid's face level with his, a coy smile curling the corners of her mouth as she rested her chin atop her threaded hands. She batted her curled eyelashes at him. Normally he'd find this very attractive, but he guessed that the terrible situation with Lana had dulled him to such things for the evening.

Not wanting to upset the obviously smitten kitten by saying that he wasn't interested in the slightest, he tried to fake a smile, even though it came out as more of a grimace.

"T-Thanks, but… I had a bit of a falling out with my girlfriend and… well… I guess I'm just not feeling up to much… Sorry."

"Oh? Girl trouble getting you down? No wonder you're _here_! Was she the straw that broke the camel's back and you decided to try something… _new?_ " The way she was now _winking_ at him was now literally getting his stomach churning!

Phoenix could hear alarms going off inside his head, but he couldn't figure out what they meant because of his frazzled state. Various bits and pieces of information seemed to want to connect in his mind, except they couldn't. _Something_ was _rotten in the state of Denmark_! He only had faded inklings that his booze-soaked mind couldn't quite grasp, but his instincts were screaming that _something_ was most definitely amiss here!

It was those very instincts which were now triggering that formerly tiny voice in his head, which was now _screaming_ and telling him to _get the_ _ **FUCK**_ _outta there!_

 _There's something not right here, but what is it? What am I missing? Think, brain! THINK! What's odd? What's out of place?_ Fighting through the alcohol in his system, he dragged out a few of the fuzzy details that bugged him.

 _Weird thing 1: Bar is called Zippers. Nothing yet, but it still bugs me. Moving on…_

 _Weird thing 2: the customers. Something's strange about them. At least, from_ _ **my**_ _point of view, there is. Needs further thought to be given to that later. Next!_

 _Weird thing 3: the barmaid and her odd choices of emphasis. She became interested when I said the words 'stiff one.' I meant the_ _ **drink**_ _, she obviously didn't take it that way!_ _ **Then**_ _she mentioned how_ _ **she**_ _could_ _ **provide**_ _me with that, and something was way weird about the way she worded that! Next, I said that I broke up with my_ _ **girlfriend**_ _and she responded with something about seeing_ _ **why**_ _I came_ _ **here**_ _. Also,_ _ **breaking the camel's back**_ _?_ _ **New**_ _? WTF was she talking about and why_ _ **here**_ _, specifically?_ '

Phoenix paused his rambling train of thoughts and finally took a good look around him.

 _The patrons are seriously_ _ **freaking me out**_ _! I didn't notice before, but there are_ _ **A LOT**_ _more_ _ **men**_ _than_ _ **women**_ _… If you can even_ _ **call**_ _those_ _ **women**_ _. Several just look like men in drag – that one in the corner actually has_ _ **visible stubble**_ _! Er… I… I think I'm getting closer to the answer…_

However, before he could figure it out himself, the barmaid decided _now_ to introduce herself… In _the_ scariest way… **EVER**!

Without warning, she hopped up onto the back bar, her legs crossed at the knee in an _attempt_ to be enticing, but it was all for naught, because of what Phoenix saw next. _Everything_ in his brain shut down in that next, _horrific_ instant!

When the _bartender_ unfolded his thighs and flipped up his skirt, _once again_ , the _cruelty that was history_ decided to repeat itself once again, and in place of where Phoenix had expected to see _feminine paradise,_ instead his scandalized eyes were subjected to seeing a _full forest of dark bush,_ along with _very male_ accompanying… _**twig and berries**_ protruding from behind a _black women's G-string_!

For reasons that had absolutely nothing to do with the copious amount of alcohol he had just consumed, the sight of _that penis_ made _the pianist_ literally feel as though he were going to throw up in his own mouth! At the same time, he could distinctly _hear_ _something_ , like _air being put into a tire, then being sealed tightly closed_ …

It didn't take Phoenix for long to realize that _said noise_ had been the sound of his _sphincter_ _ **vacuum sealing**_ itself _shut_! Positively _**nothing**_ was getting neither _**in,**_ _nor_ _ **out,**_ until he felt safe again!

"Charmed to meet ya, sexy!" The bartender purred, flipping her long hair over her shoulder. "The name's _Jacob_ , but I prefer to be called _Jackie_ , if you don't mind. I have a _very_ open relationship with my beau, whom I've heard a lot about you from, and I'm _positive_ that my _Lare-Bear_ would just _ **love**_ to have you join us!"

 _ **Join**_ _them?!_ Phoenix felt his eyes widening with panic. _As in, a_ _ **three-way**_ _?! Christ on a Harley, I have enough trouble focusing where to place my attention on_ _ **one**_ _person's body! Also, Larry Butz, you_ _ **fetid testicle wrestler**_ _! You knew very well what I would be encountering by luring me to_ _ **this place**_ _and I swear to God I will_ _ **get**_ _you for this!_

Jackie leaned in to whisper in his ear, even though Phoenix's eye had already started to twitch.

"If you're still hung up on this girl, I'm actually very open to the idea of _real_ women, so I don't mind if you want to bring along a _fourth_ friend to play with. I actually quite enjoy sinking into the _lushness_ of a _genuine_ _woman_ every once in a while! How does _that_ sound?"

A million rejections raced through the ex-attorney's frantic mind, each more caustically wince-worthy than the next.

 _ **I'd rather stick a needle in my eye, OR**_ _ **yours**_ _ **…**_ _or_ _ **... To do so would cause the slow death of my soul…**_ _or_ _ **…Tonight's out. How about**_ _ **never**_ _ **? Is**_ _ **never**_ _ **good for you?!**_

"Oh HELL to the NO!" Phoenix finally found his voice, and the protest erupted from his throat at full courtroom decibel. " _I no longer do things that make me_ _ **want to vomit**_ _!"_

"No need to be so _meanly ostentatious_ with your _rejection_! Yeesh, if you're not interested, you're _not interested_!" Jackie frowned at him and clucked his tongue. "I'm a _tranny_ _in transition_ right now, and am just awaiting the _final touches of surgery_! I cannot be surrounded by your negativity while I'm trying to grow into a _fully formed woman_!"

She flashed one last sultry smile and ran a long, crimson talon over Phoenix's cheek.

"My _Lare-Bear_ is going to be _so_ _disappointed_ though! I know he's wanted to take a _crack_ at _your_ … _ **crack**_ for some time now! Are you absolutely _sure_ there's _nothing_ I could entice you with to make you _change your mind_? You know, _spit-roasting_ isn't just _limited_ to something they do with meat on an _outdoor flame…_ "

" _Gah!"_

Phoenix was _not_ proud of his following reaction, but it was what his immediate reflexes _commanded_ him to do at that particular moment! He _screamed_ bloody murder, jettisoning his body off that stool, and _away_ from the bar faster than the speed of light! His back hit the floor with a heavy thump, but he truly didn't _give_ _a damn_! Ignoring the pain, he just drunkenly began scrambling away, via a rather _impressively swift_ _ **crab walk**_!

Just then, out of the blue, he heard a loud, _accented_ voice boom over the din of the bar, coming from _right above his head_!

"Cease zis shameless philandery at once! Eez it not glaringly obvious zat délicieux _Monsieur Wright_ eez uninterested in your advances, _Jackie,_ you _deviant_ _ **putain**_?"

A quick glance upward at his "savior" confirmed his worst suspicions, and Phoenix felt his heart leap into his throat. _Heaven help him_ , he _knew_ that voice! You could _not_ meet a person like _that_ and hear that _horrible, ear-grating, screech_ without it _forever_ _being branded_ into the _unflappable recesses of your memory_ _ **for life**_!

 _Oh dear God, please,_ _ **no**_ _! Why?!_ _ **What**_ _have ever I done… to deserve_ _ **this**_ _?!_


	16. Déjà Screwed

_JP - Ariastella, for all your help with the Klavier, Armstrong and Lotta arc, I am just dedicating this entire FF to you!  
_

 _Blindknyttstories - Again another chapter...I get the feeling JP wants me to see how a real author writes...Huh...Well anyway I hope you all enjoy now if you will excuse me I have to cut these handcuffs off._

 _JP - *wicked grin* **handcuffs indeed!** Oh, this inspires the naughty little "artist" within me...stay tuned for next chapter, folks! ;)_

* * *

 **Chapter Sixteen:** **Déjà Screwed**

 _Zippers Bar –_ January 28, 2025

It was because he was _downright poleaxed_ by all the events that happened to him within the course of one day – hell, his throat _still_ hurt from that lunatic, backassed twaddle fuck's attempt to make him deep throat her strap-on! – that Phoenix actually allowed himself to be hauled back up to his feet by a pair of arms belonging to a person who was _overly familiar, couldn't forget him if his_ _ **life depended on it**_ _, even though he really,_ _ **really**_ _, wished he could!_

Standing before him was the all-too recognizable, husky figure of a man whom the former attorney hadn't seen in _ages_ , but still looked exactly the same as when he'd seen him last. Enormous muscular arms, a mop of short, tightly coiffed honey-colored curls, rosy pink cheeks, and a small mustache that looked like a piece of elbow macaroni on each side of his upper lip. He was dressed in a baby pink sleeveless tank and pants, and in his mouth held his trademark red rose, as was tradition!

It was the former owner of _Trés Bien,_ aka the _worst haute cuisine_ , overpriced French restaurant that Phoenix ever had the misfortune of eating at. In other words… the ever _flamboyant but hardly fabulous_ , walking pink pastry pouf, Mr. Jean Armstrong, _himself!_

"You already 'ave your Prince _Charmant_ , you depraved _fille facile!_ " Armstrong's phony French accent only further increased in intensity and volume as he disapprovingly waived his finger at the indignant-looking bartender. " _Alors_ , let someone else 'ave a chance at _zis délicieux, bel homme_! Not everyone has been so _chanceux_ as to find _l'amour vrai_ as _you_!"

"Why don't you mind your own damn business you meddling _creampuff_?" Jackie snapped, looking sulky at the interference. "This doesn't concern _you_!"

" _Ce qui est_ _ **faux**_ _!_ " Armstrong crossed his arms across his wide chest and treated the blonde she-thing to a withering stare. "Perseverance eez most admirable in all zee suitors, however when being _outright rejected,_ a girl must also know 'ow to accept a loss gracefully and when to throw in zee towel!"

" _Not at all_ said like a drunk, _jealous bitch!"_ Jackie retorted cattily.

" _I'm not drunk!"_

"Yet I see that you're unable to refute _the rest of the allegation_!"

" _Excusez-moi?_ Bitch _please_!" Armstrong waved his hand airily in response, completely unaffected by the onslaught. " _Je suis_ so fucking fabulous I pee zee glitter, shit zee cupcakes and fart out zee rainbows! _Aussi_ , _half zee_ _men_ in zis bar, z'ey can vouch zis _est_ _très vrai_ , _**firsthand**_!"

"Um, _hello_?" Phoenix interjected awkwardly, raising his hand like a schoolboy in a classroom. "I hate to interrupt this _catfight_ in the works, but can I say something?"

" _Mais bien sûr_!" Armstrong turned twinkling eyes towards him then. " _You 'ad me at_ _ **hello**_..." His voice trailed off as he saw that Phoenix was no longer looking at him but at the bartender, and his lower lip protruded into a pout. "Ah, never mind, you _weren't talking_ _to_ _ **me**_ …"

Phoenix ignored him and turned to face Jackie.

"Er, thanks for the drinks. Larry said to put them on his tab. Um, actually… I've had a lot to drink tonight and I'm probably going to vomit sometime within the next 20 minutes, so I'm just going to terminate this conversation… _right about_ _**now**_!"

With those as his final exit words, Phoenix Wright spun around on his heel then, and hauled it out of there at such high-speed, he practically left _tire marks_ in his wake!

The pianist raced up the stairs outside the exit door, and was halfway up the flight of stairs before he halted in confusion, not understanding how someone speeding as fast as he'd been … Suddenly _no longer seemed to be_ _moving_! It took another moment before he realized that it was because _he_ _was_ _**wholly stationary**_ , and still had _another whole_ flight to climb before he could actually claim freedom from this _testosterone-soaked hellhole!_

He was still mulling over his questionable immobile state when Armstrong found him. The stocky man smiled delightedly and actually clapped his hands with glee at the sight of him.

"What eez zis? I thought you were _gone w'iz zee wind_! I am so 'appy to see z'at you're still z'ere, 'andsome lawyer man!"

"Er, yes, _so I am_ …" Phoenix embarrassedly scratched the back of his head and felt himself turning bright red as he realized his error. "Fewer indicators of sobriety are as effective as when you realize the _escalator_ you have been riding for the past half-minute is actually a _stairway_." He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Also for the record, in case you missed the memo, I actually haven't been a lawyer for the last six years."

"I was in prison until only a few months ago, if you don't recall," Armstrong reminded him, smiling ruefully. "I was doing time for being a naughty girl, aiding and abetting that _burnished carrot look-alike_ of yours, remember?"

"Right…" Phoenix felt his blush deepening. "Um, sorry, it utterly slipped my mind. It doesn't matter _what_ my occupation is, it looks like I'm always meant to be falling or tripping over something, whether it's my own feet, or my _tongue_ …"

"Think nothing of it, _mon beau ami_ ," Armstrong dismissed cheerfully. "For what it's worth, you are too hard on yourself. People falling will _always_ be funny. Unless it's _in l'amour_."

Phoenix leaned back against the railing, relief flooding his senses for not being taken to task over his insensitivity of the other man's plight, as well as complete bewilderment how in a gay bar _chock full_ of trannies and drag queens, the _overly effeminate_ Jean Armstrong appeared to _be the most normal one_ of the bunch! In fact, compared to the other tavern patrons he was _naught_ but a _fart in a hurricane_!

" _C'est dommage,_ it has been way too long since we last spoke, _non_?" Armstrong ventured then, coming up behind Phoenix on the stairs and giving him a gentle nudge in the back to prod him upward. "My new café _L'huître Bleue_ has its grand opening tomorrow and is just around the block. How would you like to come by and be the first to try _la dish suprême_! It eez mon _pièce de résistance_ , mon divine, ambrosial _Croquembouche,_ and _you_ can sample it before eez unleashed to the general public!"

"I don't know…" Phoenix began doubtfully, not all interested in _anything_ had to do with Armstrong and the word _bouche_ , which was French for _mouth_! _Ugh_! He shuddered at the thought!

"Why zee hesitation, 'andsome?"

Phoenix struggled to find a way to not too cruelly convey that he was as wary as _any_ man who'd just been asked to eat the questionable fare at yet _another_ French eatery, run by _the same man_ who was infamous for serving _unpalatable cuisine in his_ _ **Hell's Kitchen**_ _!_ It also didn't help that said _Kitchen Nightmare_ had given his establishment that _heavily inappropriate name_ which, _in English_ , translated into _The Blue Oyster_!

"It's, um, _really_ nice of you to make the offer, but no offense…I had _gut rot_ for _days_ after dining just _the one time_ at your _last_ restaurant!"

" _Monsieur_ , for zee record, I was revered for my cooking skills in prison, where I was part of the kitchen staff! I serviced – _er, I mean, served_ , tee hee! – the inmates _daily_ ," Armstrong informed him haughtily. "They all simply _raved_ over my soufflé puffs! However, given your past unpleasant encounter w'iz my culinary skills, I understand your hesitation. _Alors_ , can I not entice you then, with a glass of imported French wine and some conversation _chez moi_?"

Phoenix hesitated for a brief moment, then shrugged. He might've promised Trucy he wouldn't drink anymore, but tonight was a _catastrophic disaster!_ Also, he was admittedly still a sucker for the occasional _good_ wine, despite kicking the wino habit some time ago, and undoubtedly the stuff from France wouldn't be the cheap crap one would get out of the box, so why the hell not? He figured that he'd suffered enough that night, so he deserved a good drink. Besides, what harm could _one glass_ do? The pianist was _already_ drunk, and the other man was still behaving himself and didn't seem to be desperately eager to take advantage of him in his intoxicated state!

Phoenix had never been homophobic or presumptuous. After all, while _Armstrong_ might be _gay_ , but that didn't mean he didn't have scruples, and _surely_ he knew _Phoenix_ wasn't! Ergo, he figured that he wasn't in any sort danger by keeping a short period of company with the chef. Besides, the man had gallantly come to his rescue back at Zippers, so he figured it was the _least_ he could do to show his appreciation to the chef for his impromptu defense against the ruthlessly persistent Jackie!

"Fine, _you twisted my arm_ ," he agreed with a shrug. "Besides it's just around the corner like you said, which means it's walking distance, and I've got to go past that way to get home, anyway."

* * *

 _L'huître Bleue Café_ – January 28, 2025

 _L'huître Bleue_ looked like more of an English tea place than a French café. Phoenix couldn't help but note that Miles Edgeworth, tea connoisseur extraordinaire, would've been right at home in such a faux chic atmosphere. It was completely different from _Trés Bien,_ which had had a garishly pink, frilly, and overly fussy décor.

Inside this new place, the interior of the café was warm and cheery, with bright lights and colorful walls. Armstrong excitedly showed the former attorney the terracotta, rustic tiled floor, slow turning ceiling fans, wall to wall large windows, and Monet prints framed on the walls. He seemed especially proud of the finishing touches, provided by the small crystal vases of yellow carnation flowers on each glass top, round table, which mostly just seated two people designed to "enhance and encourage intimate conversation." At the glass-fronted counter was an array of cream cakes and pastries, all with English sounding names, and of course there were the obligatory scones.

"To add a touch of zee class, all zee desserts will be served w'iz genuine sterling silverware and fine bone china! Even zee tea will be served w'iz real white china pots," the phony Frenchman enthused, his upper torso so shaking in his slightly _disturbing_ , yet _customary_ fashion. "I just know it will be _magnifique_!"

"That sounds really nice," Phoenix replied noncommittally, taking a long, leisurely sip from his wineglass – what was it called again? Some snooty French name the chef had said… _Chateau Libido_ or something _._

Almost immediately, every time his glass drained, almost like a never ending, magic pot of porridge, Armstrong swiftly refilled it, but Phoenix barely noticed, nor really minded. The imported stuff was _quite_ good. Also it helped ease some of the pain from landing on his back when he had rocketed off his stool trying to escape Jackie! He uncomfortably shifted his back and shoulder muscles and took a larger gulp, frowning slightly at the uncomfortable sensation.

The action did not go unnoticed by Armstrong, who clucked his tongue sympathetically as he dished out a portion of his promised Croquembouche, which he had placed on the table next to theirs. The prided desert truly was a marvel to behold. It was a tower composed of profiteroles, piled into a cone and bound with spun sugar, artfully decorated with sugared almonds, chocolate, and edible flowers, then covered in macarons and ganache.

"Poor you! You were z'e nervous wreck back at the bar because of that _pouffiasse_! Zat was a _très_ nasty tumble you took back at Zippers, _n'est-ce pas?_ "

"I wasn't really thinking about where I was going," Phoenix admitted, shrugging out of his suit jacket and rotating his sore shoulders some more. "I just knew I had to get away from there!"

"Zat Jackie has no shame whatsoever!" Armstrong sniffed disdainfully. "Also, he eez too wishy-washy w'iz his sexuality to be taken seriously! He _flip-flops_ like a trout out of zee water!"

"Whatever do you mean?" Phoenix was confused by the loftiness and the other man's tone.

"How can how can he call himself _a gay man_ when he was still willing to 'ave a _woman_ …" He spoke the word as though it were blasphemy. "Partake in zee group festivities w'iz you and his paramour? No _self-respecting gay man_ would be willing to settle for _vagina_ even though it may have appeased his intended 'andsome conquest!" The mustache man give a dramatic shiver of disgust. "Just say _non_ to that! Zee _vagina_ …it looks like _the fridge scene in Ghostbusters_!"

"Er, I suppose that's _one way_ to put it if _lady parts_ aren't your thing. As for Jacob or Jackie or whatever, yeah well, I guess he'll just take anything that moves," Phoenix shrugged. "Although it's not like he's the _first_ man that I've encountered who would be willing to _stick it in_ _ **any**_ _hole_ , regardless of what gender the person attached to it was! _Nobody_ is safe around people like that! It's such a relief that _you're_ _**just**_ …normal, good, old-fashioned, _**gay**_!" He realized how odd that sounded and cleared his throat awkwardly. "You _are_ gay, right?"

 _It really isn't_ _ **that**_ _idiotic or inappropriate of a question, I hope, what with the metrosexual craze nowadays… It's kind of hard to tell?! Plus, there is also the fact that historically, this guy here was no stranger to blatantly flirting with_ _ **everything and anything…**_ _basically_ _a less attractive, more annoying and equally flamboyant version of Klavier!_

"I exclusively _love_ _zee_ _ **hommes**_ …" Armstrong confirmed, a knowing glint in his eye now, which unfortunately Phoenix was too busy finishing off his new glass of wine to take note of.

"Um, that's good for you, I guess?" He wasn't sure what else to say to that.

"It distresses _moi_ to no end seeing you in such pain, Monsieur," Armstrong cooed, sounding as though he were behind him now. Before Phoenix knew what was going on, he suddenly felt strong steady fingers pressing into the stiff muscles of his shoulder blades. "Hey – what the?!"

"Relax, trust me _, mon ami_ ," Armstrong murmured, his fingers sliding down the front of his chest and expertly unbuttoning his dress shirt all the way down before Phoenix knew it was going on! He felt something warm and liquid on the bare skin of his back, and recognize the familiar scent of why the chefs pungent massage oils from back in the days of yore!

"I can feel zee tension you 'ave! Allow me to ease you… Z'ere. Oh, _oui, oui_! Z'at feels good, non? _Oh là là,_ what _strong_ , _firm_ , _hard_ muscles you have… I can tell you've been working out over the years. If I told you _what a beautiful body you have_ … _Would you hold it_ _ **against**_ _me_?"

" _Urgh_!" Phoenix felt his body tense up even more, despite the expert ministrations of Armstrong's therapeutic hands. "Ah, I'm starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable here…" He turned around in his seat, and his eyes nearly bugged out of his head. " _Gah_! _When_ you did you take off your shirt?!"

"I did not want to get zee aromatherapy oil all over _mes vêtements_ ," Armstrong batted his eyelashes coquettishly as he clenched his ever present rose stem between his teeth, in a manner which he undoubtedly thought was alluring!

"But _why the hell_ did you _also_ take off your _pants_?!" Phoenix felt himself beginning to sweat drop. He wasn't quite sure _which_ _was_ _worse case of_ _ **eyeball rape**_ : Jackie's black lady thong, which had barely covered his bits, or Armstrong, in his Barbie pink Speedo style underwear which gave his junk more coverage but still left _absolutely nothing to the imagination!_

"Even when zey are _nearly popping out of your skull_ , you 'ave such beautiful, _yeux bleus intenses,_ 'andsome." Armstrong began rubbing his index fingers in little circles around his nipples, making the recently ingested wine in Phoenix's gullet _nearly come up and take a bow_! "Do you _not_ like all zat you see?"

"I think there's been a _grotesque mistake_ – although I don't know at this point if it was more on _your_ part or _mine_ for agreeing to be here!" Phoenix's panicked, clumsy fingers hastily re-buttoned his shirt. "I appreciate the wine and all but that's _all_ I came here for! I didn't turn down Jacob because he's pan-sexual or a tranny or because he's the current Sugar Tush of my recently ex-best friend! I shot him down because I _absolutely, positively_ _**don't**_ swing _that_ way!"

 _And if I_ _ **were**_ _gay I'd still like to think that I could do_ _ **better than you!**_

The pianist's chest was heaving as his indignant eyes raked contemptuously over the nearly naked other man. He was beyond _furious_ with himself for getting so drunk that he had overly relaxed his guard, and then foolishly believed this _cream puff_ _**hadn't**_ had ulterior motives all this time!

"However I'd also like to make one thing _irrefutably clear_!" Phoenix was so incensed and filled with _self-pity for his poor eyes_ at that moment that he couldn't even bother _trying_ to be nice anymore! "Even _if_ I decided _to play for the other team_ … I'm sorry, there's _no_ nice way to say this, Jean… But there's _not enough wine_ on the _goddamn planet_!"

 _Hey I could've been meaner! I could have instead told him: "It's not_ _ **you**_ _; it's your facial hair. And your shirt. And your terrible phony French accent and your butchering of the romantic language!_ _ **And**_ _your personality!"_

"Perhaps I could pour you something _stronger_ then?" Armstrong offered silkily, completely undaunted, in what he obviously thought was a sexy tone. " _Mon Dieu_ , those eyes! I 'ave la shivers! Zey blaze w'iz zee fury of icy flames and zey pierce my heart like cupid's arrow, Monsieur Wright! _S'il vous plaît_ , take me _now_ and be _**my**_ _Monsieur_ _ **Droite**_!"

Normally, Phoenix would have smiled at the semi-amusing _bon mot_ pertaining to his last name, had he not been so afraid of getting _strong-armed by Armstrong_ if he did anything even marginal in _encouraging_ the overly persistent man!

 _ **Un-be-fucking-lievable!**_ The enraged ex-defense attorney turned _man candy_ thought with total disbelief. _I cannot believe the day has come that I have actually found a moment when I completely despise the use of a pun – and especially the ever-present one that exists in my very name! However, lo and behold,_ _ **whoomp**_ _, there it is!_

He jumped out of his chair and turned to grab his suit jacket, which had been hung over the back of it, and was about to storm out the door when the sound of Armstrong's voice stopped him cold.

"Monsieur Former Lawyer who eez still sexy enough to _debrief_ moi, regardless!" Armstrong tittered girlishly. "Are you _absolument positif_ _zat you don't want to get w'iz_ _ **zis**_?"

Phoenix had no idea why he turned around he really didn't. The moment he did, he _really_ wished he hadn't, as he wasn't sure his brain would _ever_ recover from the vision that greeted him.

Draped over one of the table adjacent to the one Phoenix had been occupying, beside the towering dessert, was a site even more _mondo_ _disturbia_ than getting flashed by Jacob! Poised in a harrowing ' _paint me like one of your French girls'_ simulated pose, was the now _oiled and glistening_ Jean Armstrong, still in only his _Twinkie-Pinky_ underwear, with a rose clenched between the queer man's teeth to finish the _very_ non-stimulating image that the pianist knew would _forever_ be emblazoned into his horrified mind!

 _Oh sweet Jesus! Evidently, I'm still being punished for unwittingly flashing my daughter and her two minor-aged friends last year! Wait… Is that the sound of wood bending?_

" _Ngh_!" Phoenix _literally_ felt his _balls jumping back up into his bod_ y!

It appeared that the good Lord at long last had decided to give Phoenix Wright a _break_ , as it were!

" _Sacré bleu!"_

There was a horrendous, earsplitting screech in the next instant, followed by a flurry of rose petals as the poor abused table beneath Armstrong chose _that exact second_ to bite the dust beneath the hefty chef's weight. The now whimpering man made actually his own dust cloud in the direction of the door. He looked up tearily at the gobsmacked-looking blue-suited man, and his jowls began to quiver as his face crumpled. Clutching his beloved croquembouche against his chest as though it were sacred monument, the sobbing and disgraced wannabe seductress glared at Phoenix over the top of the profiterole mountain.

"It's too late!" Armstrong let out an ear splitting that wail of humiliation as he proceeded to _dive headfirst_ into the desert using just his teeth, and glowered at Phoenix with watery eyes over a mouthful of creamy, sugary goodness. "You can't have any, you _meanie_!"

The last nightmarish image Phoenix Wright had as he bolted out of there faster than a speeding bullet, for once uncaring of another's plight, was of the wailing, weeping and _nearly naked_ Jean Armstrong collapsed on the floor, wearing white dessert cream smeared all around his mouth like a rabid dog! The distant sound of screaming French obscenities as the former lawyer man _ran like the dickens_ rang in his ears as he fled!

It was amazing what a little terror-fueled _adrenaline_ could do! The spiky-haired man in blue vaguely resembled Sonic the Hedgehog as he raced on, appearing to be nothing more than a very strong gust of blue wind as his brain screamed: _I don't care if this is the world's most_ _ **ironic déjà fr**_ _om hell! Fuck this shit! I need someone with a vagina, and I need them NOW!_

He had easily gone a good kilometer away from the restaurant before he finally slowed down to a brisk jog, and then finally begun walking a normal pace.

Phoenix ambled down the street, utterly devastated by everything that had happened He was dimly aware he was still in his old blue suit, and didn't even have his identity-concealing beanie, but he didn't care. Sighing desolately at his twisted fate – if all _this_ wasn't proof that God had _a warped sense of humor_ , he didn't know _what_ was! –he strolled on the street, hunched forward with his hands in his pockets.

It was because his eyes were also downcast because his head was hanging _lower than the rent on a burning building_ that he didn't even notice the site of a familiar individual with large frizzy orange had full of cotton candy hair, similar to Disco Stu from _The Simpsons,_ until he'd almost run into her.

"I-I declare! What in tarnation!?" She gasped in fright, more at the burning expression on his face than from the shock of him nearly plowing over her like a tractor!

Pointing at the Southern She-Devil journalist, Lotta Hart, who had her hands in the air like she was under arrest, the still drunken Phoenix asked, possibly, the most _outrageously_ _impertinent_ question that a man could _ever_ ask a woman!

"You… are a _genetic female_ , correct?"

Wide-eyed, the befuddled woman glanced between the little skid-marks of _ice blue flames_ and the _very hot_ ex-lawyer from her past who had, literally, materialized from the very air.

"Y-yes."

" _Born with a vagina_?"

"Darn tootin' I was!"

"Still have one?"

"Why ya askin', stud? You interested in giving this a ride?"

"Oh, _hell_ yeah!"

"Good enough for me!"


	17. A Whole Lotta Lovin'

_JP - Thanks Ariastella for giving me a whole lotta helping hand here...and for the southern discipline inspiration, thanks to Dsceptor27. Her hilarious Skits and Giggles drabble can be found on this site here:_ ** _s/11597890/1/Ace-Attorney-Skits-Giggles_**

 _Blindknyttstories -Well JP has proven she can write much faster than me as she got these chapters out pretty fast if you ask me! Although I feel she just does that to one up me...I'll let you guys be the judge! Anyway, as always enjoy everyone! (Requesting new supply of food and water!)_

* * *

 **Chapter Seventeen:** **A Whole Lotta Lovin'**

 _Nicole Swift's House_ – January 28, 2025

"Ima housesittin' for my reporter friend Nicole Swift, just yonder around the corner," Lotta explained to Phoenix as they walked a few more blocks. "I taught the gal everything I knowed, and she looked up to me as her mentor. Lookee here how them tides have turned! Now _I'm_ the one still _strugglin'_ for scoops, and _she_ be out there getting' inside info about some smuggling cocoons over there in Europe! Just butter my ass and call it a biscuit! "

Phoenix smiled faintly as his inebriated state of mind struggled with his need to obliterate all his memories of _being man candy_ that day, which conflicted greatly with his desire to _put a cork in the mouth_ of the yappy journalist, whose southern twang had only got harsher on his ears over the years. He focused instead admiring the way her perfectly formed, heart-shaped backside filled out the back of her tightly fitted black jeans and just wished she would _stop talking_!

 _As y'all from the heart of the heartland would say, I ain't fixin' for_ _ **conversation**_ _here, woman! In fact, you'd be a_ _ **helluva lot more attractive**_ _to me if I were just able to push all your buttons…_ _ **Starting with mute!**_

The expression on his face was hard to miss, and Lotta was immediately contrite. She stopped abruptly on the sidewalk, right before the driveway of a small, detached house with a wraparound porch, and grabbed his hand.

"I know I sound like a green-eyed monster, being jealous of my own protégé, and I don't want yew to fret none and be thinkin' Ima hateful kinda gal, Phoenix!" Lotta's dark eyes peered into his earnestly and her tone became loaded with meaning as she flashed him a wink. "I reckon my day's a comin'– I just gotta beat those cops to _the scoop of the century_! Believe yew me, I may not be _Lotta Hart_ at all times, but I can _still_ _give ya_ a _lotta love_!"

The pianist nearly groaned out loud. What was _with_ people _grinding his gears_ today with _agitating_ _puns_? First Jean Armstrong, with _Phoenix's_ surname, and now Lotta Hart with her _own!_

 _Dagnabbit! Woman, I don't want any_ _ **love**_ _from you any more than I want nonsensical_ _ **conversation**_ _! I_ _ **know**_ _I'm_ _ **supposed**_ _to be in the quest for a mommy for my daughter but even_ _ **pissed off my gourd**_ _, I also know for fact that there's_ _ **no way**_ _that_ _ **your annoying ass**_ _could be a contender! I already broke my_ _ **sobriety**_ _rule and been drinking like a fish today! Therefore it's not a big deal to break my_ _ **other**_ _rule and briefly regress back to the mindless_ _ **mating**_ _game, and take a temporary halt from the_ _ **dating**_ _game_ _ **just this once,**_ _right!?_

It was The Case of the Runaway Tongue, a.k.a. drunk as a skunk _Angel Starr_ all over again, except _Lotta_ was apparently _stone cold sober_! But while Phoenix couldn't say that _unlike_ with the former female detective, that he actually actively _despised_ the irksome journalist in the same manner, he _still_ didn't think he could stand hearing her _nerve grating voice_ for _another minute_! He _had_ to find a way to shut her _blathering pie hole_ – right about… _now_!

"No more needless chit-chat, Lotta," he murmured. " _Talk_ is cheap – and I prefer to be a man of _action_."

Putting on his most seductive stare, he took a step closer — he was so much taller than her –and she rose on her tiptoes to meet him as he leaned over and pulled her toward him—as if by gravitational force. His arms swept around her and pulled her to him, firm and close, then his lips were on hers, and there was a heady rush of excitement, making her tingle all over.

 _Lawd have mercy_ , this man could _kiss_ like _nobody's business_!

He kissed her, hard, his skin stubbly and rough against her cheek. Lotta kissed him back, her fingers winding through his soft black spikes, her eyes closed. He kissed like he was drowning and she was air. It was passionate, and desperate, and unlike anything she had ever experienced before.

Then, his kiss turned hungry. It was not the gentle kiss of a couple on a first date – it was the kiss of a man driven by raw, animal lust. The ferocity of his grip around her waist and shoulders, the grinding pressure of his lips, had her so off balance that her mind whirled out of control. Almost as though sensing her thoughts, the pressure eased suddenly, and the kiss turned sensual. A tingling warmth shot from the silken touch of his lips and tongue, straight to her core. Her body melted into his and Lotta was hyper aware of the hard muscles of his chest against hers, the warm grip of his hands around her waist and shoulders, and the wet sliding of his mouth on hers.

Damn, if they weren't still on a public street, she would jump in his arms, have him lift her up, and wrap herself around him like a tire, giving her the contact her body craved to drive her to satisfaction. It wouldn't take much – she was all riled up and rarin' to go!

Funny thing was, at this moment, with this big and strong new version of Phoenix, she felt almost _petite_. Well, not _petite_ but . . . not _huge_ either.

But _definitely_ like a _woman_. A _melting, boneless, aching, ravenous_ woman.

She summoned the will power to pull her mouth free of his and step back - but only because she honestly couldn't wait much longer. "Let's get inside, _hot lips_. _Must have yew_. _Now_."

"Christ." He glanced around and ran a hand through his hair. Those long, beautiful fingers were shaking. "I forgot where we were." His breathing was ragged. "Damn, Lotta, you make me forget everything around us."

She gazed up at him and, feeling amazingly liberated and deliciously bold, murmured, "I wanna taste yew. Every inch of that luscious part of you and make yew beg me to stop, because yew _have_ to be inside me."

"Jesus, woman." He took a deep breath then let it out slowly. "You're wicked. You _know_ what you're doing to me." Then his eyes began to twinkle. "But I don't agree. _I'm_ not normally the type who ends up begging."

She chuckled. "I don't think so. I give _very_ . . . " she paused deliberately " . . . _very_ . . . excellent . . . _lip service._ "

"Woman, you could make me come, just hearing those words from your sexy mouth."

"Well, that'd be a darn waste," she whispered huskily. "When yew finish, I want it to be _inside me_."

* * *

 _Clandestine Rompin' Room_ – January 28, 2025

The horny pair reached the upstairs master bedroom and disrobed in record time. Phoenix immediately reached out for her, but Lotta shook her head and gave him a plaintive glance, putting up her hands against the hard wall of his chest, signaling that she wanted to speak.

"There's something that I feel ya should know before we get down to business." She anxiously scratched her bushy head, as though uncomfortable with what she was going to say, but knew she was going to say it anyway.

Phoenix flopped down onto the queen-sized bed and sat back against the brass headboard, heaving a heavy sigh. What was _with_ him and _always_ getting _overly talkative women_? He knew he'd have to indulge her _somewhat_ , but at the same time, hoped that her topic of conversation wouldn't be a _complete_ mood killer. As it was, Lotta's southern twang _alone_ collided violently against his ears bad enough as it was, and made Tiffany's lazy Alabama drawl sound like _Shakespearean poetry_ in comparison!

"I know ya been drinkin' today – I could taste it on yer tongue. And I wanted to let ya know that I was unwittingly given the insider scoop as to _why_ ," she began apologetically. "Earlier this afternoon, I went to get a bite to eat at Mr. Eldoon's noodle stand, which I know is by yer place, and I ran into Lana Skye."

"I _see_ …" Phoenix's eyes narrowed at the mention of his most recent ex-girlfriend and his expression turned wary. "Huh. Well, this conversation has taken a most _unexpected_ albeit, _interesting turnabout_."

"Ms. Skye was really beatin' herself up 'bout lettin' ya slip through 'er fingers, ya know." Lotta came and sat down next to him on the bed, gazing at him anxiously. "Bless her pea-pickin' little heart! Says ya were feelin' like a cheap whore and wanted a real relationship, but then she done goofed! She was so mad at herself for done goin' and pullin' a dang cottin' pickin' move that spooked ya, just cuz that's the kind of deviant crap she was used to with her ex-boyfriend. Din say _what_ , but after seein' all ya fought through in court, I figured it musta been _pretty big_ to spook a guy like _yew_."

" _Pretty_ _ **big**_? Is _that_ how she chose to reference it?" Phoenix snorted derisively at the unintended innuendo. "Yeah… Lana _did_ freak me out, Lotta. But I really I don't feel like talking about it."

"It's yer choice, _Mr. Strong, Silent and Sexy_ …"

"It's nothing personal," he assured her, raising his hand to gently rest it against her cheek. "I'm just not in an overly talkative mood right now. It's...been _one of_ _ **those**_ _days_ , you know?"

Lotta nodded, and suddenly, a strange gleam came into her eye. Rather than move her face away from his palm, she instead jerked her head to the side and began bumping it against his hand, repeatedly! Startled and confused, Phoenix jerked his hand away, only to have her grab his wrist and use it to _strike herself in the cheek,_ _over and over again_!

"This brings back memories of yew slappin' me when yer gal pal done got herself a murder rap for the second time in Kurain!" She exclaimed delightedly, her eyes as bright as stars as she brought up a nearly forgotten memory of his, which filled him with an immediate deluge of self-reprimand and guilt. "Do ya remember that?"

Phoenix closed his eyes as waves of shame washed over him at the recollection. Eight years ago had been the first and only time he had ever dared raise his hand to a woman.

And it had happened because Lotta had been bad mouthing Maya Fey.

* * *

 _Kurain Village_ – June 20, 2017

"Now, this kid," Lotta had then declared, flicking her finger against his photo of Maya. "I think she needs to be taught some manners. This here's her _second_ time in the stew, right? My Pa woulda slapped me straight!"

"Y-Yeah..." Phoenix muttered darkly, taking the photo out of her offending reach and mentally counting to ten to curb his mounting anger.

Lotta smirked and gave him a knowing look. Her blasted hick accent sounded like nails on a blackboard to Phoenix's ears

"Ya know what they say, if there's a second time, there's bound to be a third, and a fo – "

It was Doug Swallows from college all over again. That had been the only other time the pacifistic Phoenix Wright had ever gotten physically violent with another human being. Doug had been talking smack about Feenie's beloved Dollie, warning the then naïve, besotted fool that the demon girl was bad news and to steer clear of her. It didn't matter that ultimately, poor Doug had been right in his futile warning.

All Phoenix had heard was someone bad mouthing the woman he loved.

Infuriated and unaware of his own strength, Phoenix had reacted entirely out of reflex, shoving the other man, hard, to the ground.

History repeated itself at that moment. Lotta Hart never got to finish her obnoxious, semi-slanderous sentence.

Phoenix didn't even stop or take time to think. In an uncharacteristic fit of temper, the normally peace-loving, spiky-haired man's hand reached out, as though he had no control of it, and connected against the side of Lotta's completely unprepared cheek, leaving a bright red mark from the open-palmed blow.

Her head jerked back from the smack but she didn't fall back. More than likely the excess weight of her afro kept her grounded and balanced upright!

He quickly withdrew his hand, knowing he'd been wrong, but unable to stop himself from still glaring daggers at the frog-mouthed, too big for her britches troublemaker, silently daring her to continue.

 _I'm_ ** _not_** _apologizing_! Phoenix fumed. _God forgive me, but I'm not. I_ ** _won't_** _!_ ** _Nobody_** _, but_ ** _nobody_** _talks smack about Maya in front of me. Not as long as my heart beats and the blood is coursing through my veins!_

"OW!" Lotta whined, clapping a hand to her face, looking at him like a wounded puppy. " _Nngh_! Ya didn't have to slap me. I get it, I get it. Sorry..."

* * *

 _ **Back to present day**_

"Lotta, I _swear_ to you on all that is holy, that was the _first, last_ and _only_ time I've _ever_ raised my hand on a woman, _in my entire life_." Phoenix expelled a heavy breath and affixed the journalist with his most remorseful expression. "I never did apologize to you for that, but now I can only plead your forgiveness for ever doing such a thing. It was _inexcusable_ , and there are _no words_ to describe how sorry I am for such an unjustifiable reaction."

"Heck, handsome, I ain't lookin' an apology!" Lotta stared at him with a stupefied expression. "Yew were just shuttin' _my big mouth_! I shoulda realized when I _first_ saw the _death glare_ in yer eyes that yer lady friend was too sensitive topic to discuss!" She chuckled ruefully. "It just took yer hand _literally colliding with my face_ to done smack some sense into me!"

"Maya Fey was _merely my assistant_ , and _not_ my _lady friend_ or _gal pal_ in _any way, shape, or form_!" Phoenix snapped harshly, not realizing until the words were uttered that he sounded much more angry and defensive than he had intended. He cursed himself for his reflexive, untamed outburst. Even though she'd been out of sight for all these years, even the _topic_ of the spirit medium made him lose all control of his mind and emotions! _Goddammit_! _When_ would _that_ _ever stop_?! "Er, sorry, I didn't mean for that to come out the way it did. Um, the point, is I sincerely apologize…"

"Don't be beatin' yerself up like that!" Lotta still hadn't released his wrist, and attempted to slap herself with his resisting palm once more. "Ya have no idea just what pleasurable memories ya triggered and what ya unleashed within me with that _untamed_ , _passionate response_ of yers! It reminded me back when I was a little girl and Pa would give me _five across the eyes_ for being a _l'il rascal!_ "

"You've got to be _kidding_ me!" His round eyes stared at her, completely agog. "Are you telling me… That back when I _slapped_ you… That you _actually liked it_?!"

"I _loved_ it!" She exclaimed, a big ear to ear grin on her face. " _Do it again_!"

"WHAT?!" _Heaven help me, this woman is_ _ **such**_ _a freak! Jesus H. Christ… is there absolutely_ _ **no normal woman**_ _left out there in the universe?!_

"Slap me again!" She commanded, attempting to raise his hand against her cheek. "Dang it, Phoenix, take that big manly handy yers and _slap me the way Pa used to_!"

"What is _wrong_ with you?!" Phoenix yanked his hand away and shook his head, eyes wide with alarm. "I flat out _refuse_! I will do _no such thing_ and _I don't care_ if it's your _bizarre little kink_! I am _not_ going to _markup your face_ , just because _you_ get some sort of _perverse thrill_ from it!"

" _Dawgonnit_ , yer _no fun_!" Lotta's face fell with disappointment at his adamant balking, but then she perked up suddenly. Then, without any shame or preamble whatsoever, she flat out turned around, stuck her head between the brass metal frame bars of the headboard, and wiggled her bare behind at Phoenix.

"Whaddya say about slappin' _these_ cheeks then, _butter buns_?"

 _OK… Spanking is not something completely outside my realm of comfort and not totally out there or something I've_ _ **never**_ _done before…_ Phoenix assured himself as he hesitantly obeyed the request. Lotta squealed, as happy as a pig in shit at his repeated administrations, and kept insisting he repeat the action _over and over again_ until eventually her backside was the same color as her Afro hair, and his palm was actually _sore_!

"Er… Have you had _enough_ already?" He asked at last, having gotten _zero_ thrill out of the action whatsoever! Perhaps this was because his _own_ behind was _still_ suffering the ill-effects of the beach incident with Iris. Regardless, he was sure if someone were to start slapping _his_ ass right now, _he'd_ be " _squealing like a pig_ " as well, but _not_ in the _fun_ way, and more like the poor guy in the infamous _Deliverance_ movie scene way!

"Fo'sho!" Lotta chirped, releasing her hold on the bars, which she had been gripping so tightly, her knuckles had turned white. "I reckon that woulda tided me over quite nicely!" She then attempted to move backwards and release her head on the bars. Phoenix could see the muscles in her body straining in her efforts to pull free, but to no avail. He peered over at her thrashing body and became concerned by her frustrated grunts.

"Ah, is everything all right?" He ventured, even though his panicked brain was starting to wonder if he would need to call the _fire department_ and tell them to bring some sort of _emergency saw_!

"Lawdy help me! I'm _stuck_!"

" _What_?!"

"My _head_ … it's jammed here between these two dang bars t _ighter than a flea's ass over a rain barrel_!"

 _Maybe she should try trimming that blasted beehive Afro some time!_ Phoenix thought uncharitably, torn between _horror_ and _hysterical laughter_.

"Um… What shall I do? Did you want me to get some sort of _lard_ from the kitchen to maybe slick the sides of your head and hopefully slide it out?"

"Well don't just stand there _jawin'_!" Lotta hollered. " _Do_ something!"

"Stop yelling! I'm _thinking_!" At that moment, inspiration hit Phoenix, and a mischievous smile flickered across his features. Without warning, he leaned over and begin tickling the soles of Lotta's bare feet.

"Stawp that, ya dang peckerwood!" Lotta began to roar maniacally with laughter "T – that _tickles somethin' fierce_!"

"That's the _idea_ …" Phoenix continued the ruthless torture method for another few seconds, before Lotta squawked with indignation and catapulted out from between the bars faster than faster than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking competition, _entirely by sheer force of will_ , in trying to escape his wriggling finger ministrations. She collapsed onto her back with her head by the foot of the bed, still laughing like crazy, but this time from utter relief.

"Phoenix Wright, you are a _brilliant_ , _out-of-the-box, problem-solving_ _**genius**_!" She grasped, wiping the tears of laughter from her eyes. "Ima mighty torn between thanking ya for my freedom, and telling ya what a dang _mean_ thing it was ya just done there!"

Phoenix shrugged innocently, although his eyes were twinkling with mirth. "Hey, it _worked_ didn't it? My next trip was going to be to the _kitchen_ to fetch the _butter dish,_ after which we probably could have used _your hair_ to _grease up a baking sheet_!"

"Dang yew and yer twisted sense of humor ya dang _Yankee_!" Lotta jerked up then, and before Phoenix knew what was happening, had crawled on top of him and straddled his waist, pinning his arms above his head while grinning down at him wickedly. "I've reckon what's good for the _goose_ is good for the _gander_! I'm fixin' to thank yew for yer heroics in making me a free woman!"

Drawing back, her eyes darkened with desire as they scanned his nude body from head to toe. There was a swell of pride inside him at her obvious admiration.

"Lawd have mercy, Phoenix! Ain't ya just the hottest thing I've seen? I guess I done figured out how ya managed to take out those antique double doors of the channeling chamber back in the day, huh? Didn't they have a metal latch on them too, if I remember correctly?" A devious smile curled her lips upward as he felt her soft fingers start to trail over the tightly packed muscles of his abs, causing him to inhale shakily.

She traced each chiseled ridge delicately, using one hand, while the other stroked his hip, slowly moving upward to his waist. He wasn't used to such light touches, usually the sex was more fast and furious, though he certainly wasn't adverse to this much more sensual form of delight.

It wasn't until her fingers lightly brushed over the area just below his rib-cage that he was suddenly reminded of something very embarrassing for him.

 _Holy shit-snacks! I'm ticklish as hell!_

The sensitive spot was like a 2 -inch line that started at his bottom rib and led inward, towards his navel and then along his cut lines and treasure trail. With Lotta's feather-light touch now skimming over the area, Phoenix had to bite his lip to keep his laughter in.

Unfortunately for him, the reporter was more observant that one might have expected, and her innate curiosity got the better of her. Allowing her fingers to linger over the well-defined area, she noticed how the squirming stud muffin beneath her seemed to be turning red in the face.

She felt her stomach bubble with excitement when she could make out the sight of him fighting back a smile and the laughter in his indigo eyes.

 _No freakin' way! I've_ _ **gotta**_ _hear this!_

Lightly digging the pads of her fingers into the spot, she watched intently with a growing smile as his body seized up, his face getting redder and the smallest amount of moister at the corners of his eyes. His lips were twitching up… Until he could finally take it no more, and his face finally exploded with laughter. Actually it wasn't quite _laughter_ …

 _Well turn me upside down and paint me blue! He's giggling! How_ _ **CUTE**_ _is that?!_ Lotta couldn't help but grin like an idiot, she was so endeared. The giggles bubbled up from his grinning lips, eyes squinched shut tight as he tried to wriggle away from her hand.

"S-stop! Hee hee! N-no! Hee hee hee hee! P-please! Hahahaha!"

This continued for several more moments, until Lotta at last decided that they were even, and halted her relentless fingers. There were tears of laughter in her eyes.

"How in tarnation are ya so dang adorable and sexy at the same time?!"

"Please, don't tell anyone!" Phoenix felt himself blushing to the tips of his hair. "Do you have ANY idea how embarrassing that is?"

"My lips are zipped," she winked. "Actually wait no they ain't! They're moist, and _parted_ and headed right about… _here_ …"

Phoenix drew in a sharp breath as she ran her tongue over one pert, flat nipple, then sucked it leisurely. With her free hand she lightly tweaked his other one while giving it the lightest of tugs, sending a flickering bolt a delight down to his steadily hardening groin.

In response, he involuntarily bucked his hips up into her, seeking more contact, but this only resulted in a sharp piercing pain from the damn crab bite! While it'd gotten better, it still hurt and still made sitting difficult.

Without warning, Lotta rolled him over onto his stomach and he instinctively freaked out, as flashbacks of the strap-on incident with Lana flooded him, and he thrashed wildly beneath her, this time in _panic_!

"Whoa, buddy! Calm down! I ain't plannin' to stick anythin' weird in yer tail, if that's what yer worried 'bout!"

Phoenix visibly relaxed somewhat, but was still sweating, his heart hammering in his chest, even as he attempted to give Lotta the benefit of the doubt.

"I was at one of yer Phoenix Wright fan club gatherings a couple nights ago and Iris seemed to be lamentin' over the fiasco she made of yawls' date; somethin' 'bout a crab bite to the rear. Anyhow, I got some medical salve from back home that should help it heal and numb the pain a bit. I'm just gonna rub it in, is all."

Lotta reached for her purse on the bedside and pulled out a small tub of what looked like homemade salve and placed it on the bedside table, then held up her hands, palms up, as if to show that she meant no harm.

"I understand why yer skittish but if yer really gonna be _jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo_ , I won't touch ya if ya really don't want me to."

"No, it's fine." Phoenix let out a deep, shaky breath, hoping he wasn't about to regret this. "I – I'll trust you."

Lotta straddled his back and focused her attentions on his rear end then sucked in a deep intake of air at the sight.

"That's a mighty fine behind! Yes indeedy! If it weren't fer that mean-lookin' bite there, I'd LOVE to give them sweet cheeks a nice, wholesome squeeze!"

Phoenix felt himself blush at the compliment. What _was_ it about his _ass_ that made girls go so kooky? His butt cheeks clenched and he barely suppressed a squeak when he felt Lotta lean over then, and place a feather light kiss… on the small of his back, just above his buttocks. His face heated up with bashfulness, lower body tensing unintentionally at the contact.

 _No! No! Don't tense! She'll notice!_

Too late! He buried his face in the pillow at the sound of her delighted squeal.

"Well _lookee here_! Ya got the cutest little dimples in _these_ cheeks, too!"

 _My life is over… This information will be all over the tabloids in just a few days… Goodbye privacy…_ This knowledge made Phoenix unwittingly let all a soft moan of embarrassment.

"I-I'm sorry! It's just… ya've got the _hottest backside_ this side of the _sun_!"

Her salve-slickened fingers were cool against his skin. She started by lightly dabbing at the bite with two fingers, then slowly drawing the pads over the length of the affected area. Afterwards, she got more ointment and began to rub a circle around the injury, a small topical ring that was steadily growing bigger as she left none of the bruised area untreated. It was actually quite nice. Phoenix could already feel the ache that he'd slowly been growing accustomed to dulling and her soft fingers were firm, but gentle.

"Now… time for something _fun_ …" Lotta reached into the bedside table and pulled out a bottle of massage oil, the kind she had insured wouldn't interfere with the salve. It also worked as an _erotic body oil_.

With a pop, she poured a generous amount into her hand. Closing the lid and placing the bottle back on the nightstand, she rubbed her hands together, getting them nice and slick.

Phoenix gasped, his face burning when he felt oil-slick hands grab his full, tight buns. They fondled him, and it was initially kind of daunting as her thumbs rubbed circles into specific spots that were sensitive, halting his struggles as he then turned into jelly. It was making him more receptive to the feel of her soft hands on his rump, and he was soon too deeply engrossed in the massage and his mind was too hazy to understand what was happening. He felt himself beginning to doze off.

Above him, hands busily working him to a frenzy, Lotta smirked triumphantly to herself.

Phoenix was little more than a ball of putty in her hands, the tender manner in which she palmed his abused buns, combined with the fluid motions and the cool, numbing effects of the salve had left him feeling _very_ appreciative. After so much mistreatment, it was nice to have a partner being kind to him again. The fact that he hadn't even needed to _ask_ was even more of a pleasant surprise. Had he been _in his right mind,_ he might've questioned why Lotta Hart, the reporter, who was _always on the lookout for a scoop_ , was being so nice to the _Forgin' Attorney_. The fact that she seemed to have been prepared for a scenario in which she happened to be his next lay would've also been highly concerning.

Alas, the union of cheap wine, trauma, and a great tush massage had him thinking at a snail's pace, thus he noticed none of this.

He soon found himself zoning out, his breathing deep and eyes drooping with all his muscles relaxed. A sigh escaped his lips, barely registering much else going on around him.

At the sound of the former attorney's deep, labored exhaling sound emitting beneath her, Lotta immediately got up and started rearranging things to suit the scene she wanted.

Carefully removing the pillow from under Phoenix's head, she grabbed his hips and lifted them up before placing them comfortably on top of the pillow. It took a minute or two, but she eventually got everything ready for the _money shot._

She'd refastened his red neck tie loosely around his neck along with his blue suit jacket. After a second, she'd gotten another pillow and put it under his head to replace the one she'd taken. Boy, was she ever glad that she had! After just a bit of positioning, Lotta couldn't wait to finish her little photo-op, because _damn_ if that _ass_ wasn't _the most biteable thing_ she'd ever seen yet!

With the pillows in place, it made his back arch wonderfully, accentuating the toned muscles in his full, _graspable booty_. She could even see those adorable little butt dimples of his, being highlighted by the tensing of his back.

Then, there were his legs. They were just regular guy leg, though the hair was ever so slightly less thick and course than most – something she never would've paid particular mind to, had she not been manhandling him! However, they were also very well-muscled and formed, suggesting that he exercised regularly.

The prettiest part of the picture, though, was the scene revealed by the mere spreading of his thighs. Laying in full view of her camera, flopped over the side of the pillow between his legs was his pride and joy, looking as camera-ready as the rest of him.

As she snapped a few pictures with her ever present camera, Lotta couldn't help but bite her lip in appreciation, and could feel the excitement uncoiling within the pit of her stomach like an unwinding rope. The man was _mighty impressive!_

When she had satisfied herself with taking enough glory shots of him in this prostrate position, inspiration suddenly hit her, and she busied herself fumbling for the handcuffs she kept in the night table drawer. As she clasped the metal rings around each of his wrists and then affixed it to the posts on the brass bed frame, Lotta was practically panting at the sight of his taut arms stretched out to full-length.

Phoenix looked downright delectable with his tie loosened and the blue suit jacket hanging open revealing to the world his beautifully sculpted body. Lean, but excellently toned, masculine muscles bulged out due to how his body was being forced to stay. She could do _her entire laundry load_ in the People Park River using _that washboard stomach_! The skin of his pectorals were drum tight, dark nipples hard. And _she_ knew _firsthand_ what an erogenous zone they were!

 _So much to write about!_

His feet were spread out on top of the bed with his knees positioned slightly higher than his hips at that particular angle. With his legs spread wide, it put his package on full display.

"Heaven help me, this is _so dang sexy_!"

This… This was _too good a shot_ to miss out on! Snapping a few pictures of his supine, constrained body, she couldn't stop herself from moaning at the sight of restful bliss on his handsome face. He was definitely the most beautiful man she'd ever had in her bed, and probably ever would again. It wasn't just the fact that Phoenix Wright was gorgeous, with a body like a Greek God and looked even better now than when she'd seen him last. The years had been good to Phoenix: he was as handsome as he always was, the stubble, smoldering gaze and callous attitude lending him a rough, devil-may-care exterior that was both darkly attractive and inexplicably thrilling. Not to mention those mesmerizing, sapphire-blue eyes…

She actually felt kind of bad about what she was going to do come tomorrow morning.

It wasn't just his appearance though. From what she'd seen of his behavior with that Fey girl back in the day, he was as faithful as the day was long to those who earned the right to keep a piece of his dedicated heart. Strong, strapping and loved his daughter like she was his own, despite the fact that she was adopted and her biological father had, pretty much, been the man to flush his career down the crapper. Also, although Lotta had made sure he'd never spotted her, she had checked out his performances at the Russian bar, and had heard him sing. And boy _could he ever croon_! Not the best at tickling those ivories, though!

Ever since she'd seen him take down those huge wooden double doors for that Fey girl, Lotta had taken a shine to him. Oh, she'd gone back to better examine the channeling chamber. Thick mahogany doors, a good 3 to 4 inches thick, painted to look like charcoal. It had a wrought iron deadbolt lock and hinges. Those weren't chambers, they were a _flippin' medieval vault_! All that...yet Phoenix Wright had just _football tackled_ them, busting them wide open like it weren't nothin'! All because he'd heard the sound of a couple gunshots!

With all these factors combined, it was a fact, that for some time now, she'd had a tiny crush on him.

Personal feelings aside though, Lotta _had no choice_! There was _no way_ she was going to get an _opportunity_ like this _ever_ again and she couldn't, _wouldn't_ let it slip through her fingers, damn it! She _needed_ this scoop, or else her boss would fire her and who knew how long it would be before she found another news agency willing to take her on.

"Sorry, Sexy, but it's either yer already non-existent dignity or everything I've been working for since I moved here."

Phoenix began to stir suddenly. Quickly, Lotta stashed away her camera.

"W-what? How'd wind up like this?!" Sleepy, half-lidded eyes blinked open, looking confused as he glanced up and saw that he was handcuffed to the headboard.

"Oh goody, yer awake now," Lotta drawled. "Now that I've ensured we were even, _Tickle Me Elmo_ , I can get to the part where I put my _money_ where my _mouth_ is!"

She strutted over to him, affixing her most coy, seductive expression.

"Ya do remember me telling yew earlier I'm _very_ _talented_ with my _tongue_ , dontcha? Well Ima gonna be provin' it to ya now, and yew can't do anything about it _but lie back and enjoy_!"

Her fingers brushed over him. Phoenix gasped, and Lotta then tried a light stroke. The ache, the need, came roaring back, shaking loose inside.

"Mmm. God, I _do_ love how you respond to me, stud."

He let out a slow breath, as soft as he could, but there was no hiding his reaction from her. Then he ruined the illusion of his self-possession by sucking in a breath when her fingers continued their magic. Lotta's hand slipped between their bodies and her caresses grew bolder. He jerked, his breath catching in his throat.

 _Poor fella's about to explode._

Lotta flashed a wicked grin, then proceeded to demonstrate her own _specialized_ brand of _lip service_ … _way down_ _ **south**_ _._

Phoenix shuddered in response and arched his hips. He thrilled in the sensation of the intimate gesture, his head falling back as he groaned in that primeval way that sent a jolt through her own system. She clutched his muscular thighs, knowing he needed release. He lifted his head and watched, spellbound, as she moaned softly, and he clenched his eyes closed in pure rapture as the vibrations from her vocal cords buzzed into his flesh. He transformed into an animal in those precious seconds, a creature that lived only to vanquish its hunger and survive another day. Her hands slid from his thighs to his bum, all the while her mouth continuing to make his eyes roll back in his head!

Her fingers pressed into his butt-muscles, all the while her palms fondled them. She'd push the surprisingly supple pair of full, muscled buns together then roll down before parting them as she forced them up. Soon after, she'd push the rear mounds back together, starting the process all over, creating two circles of movement.

 _Again with the ass! What's up with everyone's fascination with my rear?!_ Phoenix, himself, certainly didn't see anything special about it! Nevertheless, her hands felt so good! Pressing, fondling, squeezing, kneading… He couldn't stop himself. He bucked back into Lotta's massaging hands, loving the feel of a woman's soft hands on his rump.

He'd been so primed before that it was almost too much for him to bear. He nearly shamed himself further and exploded right then and there. The truth was, he was about to detonate, and he hated that reality almost as much as the fact that he couldn't control his need to surrender. Only his greed to be inside her, the desire to relish in the moment, helped him to hold back.

"I'm _so clos_ e!" He gasped. "You win, Lotta! I _need_ to have you! _Now_!"

"Don't need to ask me twice!" Rushing to the closet, Lotta grabbed a white Stetson and perched it atop her poufy head. Phoenix cracked up at how comical the cowboy hat looked, precariously perched, atop her cotton-candy cloud of hair.

"Why the heck would you have a hat that doesn't even fit over your entire head?!"

"As long as _I_ remain _upright_ , it oughta sit _just fine!_ And besides, it seemed _fitting_ for this _occasion_ , _pardner_!" Without preamble, Lotta straddled him. "Ready to be saddled up, cowboy? Cuz Ima take yer stallion self for the _ride_ of yer life!"

It was glorious. He bucked against her, desperate for more. The sensual momentum inside him was climbing quickly. His body tensed and his breathing disintegrated into urgent pants.

" _Yee-haw_! _**Give it to grandma**_!"

With his every movement matching her own, an involuntary groan of pleasure escaped her throat. She'd never experienced anything like this before. She was so close and he hadn't even _touched_ her. "Oh _Gawd_ , Phoenix!"

"So…damn… _close_!" He gasped.

Lotta wanted to snatch at the coiled pressure and force it to finally go. Her body started to shake as waves of heat and cold washed over her. His rhythmic and skillful movements trapped her in erotic urgency, and, knocking the hat to the floor, her eyes closed and her head shot back, feeling the drug that was him course through her veins. And then, with a terrific gasp to tell him that it was now, which he countered with some cries and pants of his own, she collapsed on top of him.

At last, Lotta rolled off of him and flashed him a sultry smile, which he drowsily returned.

"Well, ain't yew grinnin' like a possum eatin' a sweet tater," she drawled.

"Damn!" He rasped. "You're _all woman_ , alright! I trust the enjoyment was _mutual_?"

"Are yew kiddin'? I'm happier than ol' Blue layin' on the porch chewin' on a big ol' catfish head!"

"Good to hear." Phoenix blinked and then tilted his head upward to look back at the handcuffs. "Now that I can be rest assured about a job well done, you think you can finally let me loose? I sort of need to use the bathroom."

"Sure thing, stud!" Lotta fumbled in the night table for keys to the handcuffs, which she had swiped from a private investigator she'd hooked up with several months ago, only to come up empty-handed. She pursed her lips in annoyance and fumbled around in the second drawer with the same results. "Huh. This is awkward…"

" _Awkward_?" Phoenix asked apprehensively. " _What's_ awkward?! _Why_ did you say awkward?!"

"Calm yer tits!" She exclaimed loudly, in part to cover up her own growing nervousness. "I'll bet my bottom dollar the keys are here _…_ "

"Tell me you're _shitting_ me!" Phoenix gaped at her, bug eyed. "Are you telling me you've _lost_ the keys to the handcuffs?!"

"Ain't nobody _lost_ nuttin'! They're just… _Temporarily missing_ …"

"Is this some kind of a sick joke?" Phoenix impotently thrashed against the handcuffs. "What if you can't find them?! _Then_ what?!"

"No need to get a bee in yer bonnet! Ima go check the other rooms… mighty sure they're around _somewhere_ …"

Except they weren't. After combing over every inch of the house for over 20 minutes, Phoenix thought his bladder was _positively_ about to _explode_ , and Lotta was _still_ unable to locate the missing keys!

Finally, because she had _literally_ had _no other choice_ , the mortified Lotta now had to contact the local police and tell them the entire humiliating story. The officer who answered the phone _laughed like hell_ , but assured her he'd come over right away.

* * *

After what seemed like a million years later, the red-faced journalist, who had thrown on a housecoat over her nakedness, was escorting a large and _disturbingly familiar figure_ into the bedroom.

"Sorry I took so long! I… I…" The deep, rumbling voice halted immediately as he charged right in, keys extended in his meaty fist…And then let out a _choking_ sound, much like a _cat with a hairball,_ at the _unanticipated_ _sight_ of _Phoenix Wright_ , still _completely stark naked_ , and _spread-eagled_ out on the bed!

" _Gah_!" A horror-struck cry was emitted at that moment, although it was hard to tell if it was from _the Detective_ or _Phoenix_ himself, as they _both_ squawked _in simultaneous dismay_ at this _completely unheralded_ encounter of one another!

" _Holy Toledo_ , Pal!" The trench coat wearing man clapped a huge hand over his scandalized eyes. "Normally I'd say _long time no_ ** _see_** , except this is _more_ of you than I _wanted_ to see, _ever_!"

The former attorney closed his eyes at the sight at the other man. This _shouldn't_ have surprised him in the least, because _of course_ it _had_ to have been _this cop_ , of _all_ the ones in the _entire_ precinct, to arrive at the scene! After all, considering this was pertaining to the _fortune's fool_ that was _Phoenix Wright,_ why _would_ the Detective be _anyone_ other than… _Dick_ freaking _Gumshoe_?!

" _Just shoot me_ and put me out my misery already!" The spiky-haired man groaned in ultimate, supreme humiliation, wishing the world would _open up and swallow him_ at that exact moment! Had it been actually possible to _die of embarrassment_ , he would've _gladly_ done so in _that very instant_!

The burly detective purposely kept his head turned away as he quickly unlocked one side of the handcuffs, then pressed the keys into Phoenix's hand and covered his eyes once again, allowing his old friend to unlock his other wrist by himself. Giving an ecstatic cry of relief at his freedom, the elated pianist jumped up from the bed, totally forgetting his the state of nudity, not realizing that he'd made certain _exposed parts_ also _bounce along with him_ , until he heard the strangled, horror-struck gurgle emerge from Gumshoe's throat.

" _Ngh_! **_Christ on a crutch_** , Pal! _**Remember your shame**_ **!** "

Blushing furiously, Phoenix clapped his hands over himself for the sake of modesty while a horrible feeling of déjà vu came over him.

 _How traumatically horrendous_ ** _is_** _it that unfortunately, this is_ ** _not_** _the_ ** _first time_** _those_ ** _exact_** _words have been screeched at me?_ ** _Equally atrocious_** _\- the good Detective_ ** _officially_** _has a higher pitched, horrified squealed than_ ** _my teenage daughter!_**

"Good grief!" Gumshoe abruptly turned towards the silent, embarrassed journalist. " _Why_ couldn't you _cover him up with a face towel_ or something?!"

"Number one, cuz it's laundry day, and all the cleaner, _bigger_ towels are in the hamper!" Lotta retorted, then smiled smugly. "And _two,_ _trust me_ , ain't **_nuttin_ ** to be _ashamed_ of here! Ain't _no itty bitty scrap of cloth_ gonna cover _that_ thing! Can't ya _see_ he's both a _grower_ and a _shower_?!"

"Urgh! Trust _me_ , I'm trying _really_ hard _not_ to…" Gumshoe groaned and jerked his head in the other direction. "For the love of _God_ , Pal! _Put that shit away!"  
_

* * *

 _Wright Talent Agency –_ January 29, 2025

The next morning, Trucy was flipping through the TV channels, while beside her, Phoenix had his exhausted head thrown back against the sofa cushions.

He'd outright confessed to his daughter to both drinking heavily and a meaningless fling last night, and had been apologizing _repeatedly_ for breaking his promise. However, he _refused_ to go into further details about his _hellacious_ evening until she turned **_35_**! He had thwarted her inquiries by simply explaining he'd suffered from a seemingly _never-ending series of horrible, traumatizing events,_ which had kept getting progressively worse and worse as the night rolled on, all kicking off with Lana breakup.

Eventually, she'd worn him down. The stress had been too much for Phoenix, and he'd folded like a house made of cards. When asked, he'd told his daughter that it'd all been the emotional equivalent to the _harrowing school talent show_ **_combined_** with the _infamous DILF Gone Wild incident_ she and her friends had witnessed, _put together!_ The exception of course, being that _this_ time, _he'd_ been playing the unfortunate role of the unsuspecting _Trucy_ , and it had all ended in _comi-tragedy!_

 _Ergo..._ did she _really_ want to know?

After a moment of deep contemplation on her part, his highly intelligent daughter had promptly given him the well thought out answer of, "Alright, but I'm _pulling it out of you_ if I get even the _slightest hint_ that it's causing you _long-term damage!"_

 _Oh baby girl…you have_ ** _no idea_** _…!_

The young magician stopped on the news station seeing something _very interesting_.

" _ **Witnesses claim to have seen what was described as a 'Blue Wind' resembling Sega's own Sonic the Hedgehog. We have brief footage of such, though it is unclear what it could be. There was also sighting of strange skid marks and eye-witness accounts say that they had ice blue flames. When approached, the flames were described to burn cold. An anonymous contributor was able to snap several pictures of said flames, though they seemed to have gone out by now. As of yet, there is no positive proof to verify these claims. However, several top Forensic Specialists are at the scene investigating these marks.**_ "

" _ **This just in: it seems that these skid marks are coated with black ice with signs of frost exactly where the blue flames were seen. There are definitely signs that there was**_ _ **some kind of**_ _ **very strange fire there and with all the evidence, it is looking like this mysterious Ice Spirit could actually exist. Thermals were tested & the immediate area was quite a bit colder than the rest of the city, seeming more like one might find in New York between late fall & early winter. What do **__**you**_ _ **think folks? Is this real? A prank? Mass delusion? Could it be that Jack Frost has come to visit California and that's the reason why we've been having snowfall over the past decade? Was 'Rise of the Guardians' actually prophetic & all us adults need to do in order see him is believe in both him & the joy to be had in a simple snowball fight? We'll see**_!"

* * *

Little did Phoenix know that all over the pages of his Fan Club newsletter (only because _LA Stud_ magazine had refused to pay or publish Lotta's photos as in the whole mess with the handcuffs, she'd not gotten a signed agreement disclaimer from Phoenix and they didn't want a lawsuit!) was a centerfold of him asleep, with only a bed sheet to just barely cover his modesty.

The headline read, " _Former Attorney Fully Debriefed! Get the inside scoop on some of his best and worst lays directly from the women's mouths_!" and " _More smokin', red-hot photos inside_!"

Inside was picture was of him on his stomach, displaying his magnificently toned ass to the world along with a doctored version. It was obviously made for comedy purposes to provide visual aid for one ' _anonymous'_ lover's story. Across his ass-cheeks were the words _"10/10! Would totally bang again!"_

Needless to say, the Phoenix Wright Fan Club had even more members and was growing by leaps and bounds…


	18. Man Buns

_JP: Thanks to whoever is still reading - I'm flying solo now as my co-pilot just had twins so apologies for not posting in ages!_

 _ **Big thanks for all your help Ariastella, including being the sole reason I could get this story moving again!**_

 _Just a heads up for my readers!_ _This may sound like a ridiculous disclaimer as this_ _ **is a**_ _ **sexual comedy**_ _, but this chapter, much like the Klavier one, does entail a teeny weenie bit of man love…_

* * *

 **Chapter Eighteen: Man Buns**

 _Kristoph Gavin's Penthouse Suite –_ April 15, 2026

Kristoph Gavin had never understood the whole trend of "man buns." Truly, the whole "man buns" craze utterly flummoxed him beyond all comprehension. Whenever he would see a bloke with one, he would, out of pure reflex, quizzically tilt his head to the side and peer at the specimen oddly for a good few moments each time, before proceeding to go about his day. It wasn't that he _hated_ them per se, so much as he simply couldn't fathom the attraction to them.

The German had no problem with males having long hair, _obviously_ , but was so wrong with a ponytail or a gentlemanly plait, like he and his brother Klavier sported, instead of these lazy, haphazard-looking hairdos which were intended for _women_?!

The first time he'd seen a skater with his long hair pulled back onto a loose, messy topknot atop his skull, and then heard the female barista greet the youth and say "love the man bun!"… It had _still_ taken the defense attorney a few moments to register it was the fellow's _horrendous_ hairstyle that was being described. Also, up until that moment, Kristoph hadn't been sure if the fellow ahead of him in the Starbucks line was ordering a drink… _or casting a spell_ …did _**none**_ _of the canaille_ simply drink a regular coffee without a thousand syllables anymore?!

His censure vanished as he contemplated the curious hairstyle in question.

 _Man bun_? The bemused blond lawyer had thought to himself. _What's she mean by 'man bun?' I was under the impression that the young woman she was rather fond of_ ** _men with nice gropable behinds_** – _which I will fully acknowledge this lad standing before me in line, with his fitted board-shorts, is surely exhibiting!_

And on the topic of the _other_ type of _man buns_ that warranted _a nice, wholesome squeeze_...the man currently _presenting himself_ on such succulent display would certainly never need one!

The fine specimen's gravity defying points were obviously natural, requiring nothing more than just nice combing and slim to no hair products, as they sprung back in shape even after wearing that manky beanie of his – his trademark jet-black spikes just generally took care of themselves.

Kristoph simply couldn't resist the temptation of getting so close to his obsession; of finally touching his beautiful Blazing Bird. Presently being up close and personal with this gorgeous, _callipygous_ man, and having those prized buttocks pressed against his naked lap left the scant remains of his self-control hanging on by a mere thread.

Bless those atrocious sweat pants of his arch nemesis! Like the rest of his hobo attire, which was an absolute _fashion faux pas_ , and beyond horrendous, the thin material of the black joggers allowed for the German to appreciate the other man's sumptuous, firm backside. After admiring those splendid buns from afar for so long, he could now feel them pressed up against his modest, but rigid manhood.

They were even better than he'd anticipated. He couldn't help bucking up into the disgraced defense attorney's soft, tight globes. Kristoph could practically smell the sheer trepidation oozing from the man in front of him and it sent him wild and made him stiff as a board.

Because his fixated hatred these past seven years with Phoenix Wright had now fully transformed into _an all-consuming homoerotic obsession_ , and the predator was going to relish _sinking his teeth_ into his _juicy, legendary bird in a gilded cage_.

Kristoph had his conquest kneeling before him, naked, with his wrists cuffed behind his back, a ring gag strapped to his face, and ropes tied around his legs to keep him on his knees. The final _pièce de résistance_ was a leather collar with a heavy iron chain attached and at the end was a sturdy steel latch held firmly in the fanatical fiend's hand.

These, plus those signature spikes, and the obvious tenseness on Wright's face even as he tried to keep his poker face surface calm, didn't fool Kristoph for a moment. Truthfully, it was painfully apparent by the way the fallen attorney's dazzling indigo eyes flickered that he was nervous about this having a male lover for the first time. If anything, the idea of him being the submissive Phoenix's initial male lover made the ex-Ace Attorney look all the more delectable.

Without preamble he simply grabbed hold of the hair on the back of his paramour's head, pulling it back with a light tug.

The increase in Phoenix's respiratory rate was such that the flaxen-haired man could hear it clearly, as well as see his chiseled, sweaty chest heaving with effort. It really was a good thing that the chain-lead was also wrapped a couple of times around Kristoph's forearm, and he felt all 4-inches of his member harden in readiness.

Without any preamble, the crazy German bratwurst picked up his bonded lover by placing his hands under the man's body then firmly grabbing at those perfect, cushiony, ass cheeks. Self-indulgence was key to him, and he simply thought it prudent to move forward with the proceedings; both figuratively and literally.

His feverish pale blue eyes went straight to Phoenix's bare ass, on such scrumptious, full view. Phoenix Wright, shamed hero of the people, _willingly_ bent over, _like a bitch_ , and ripe for the taking. _His_ taking.

"Such a sweet ass," he murmured as he reached over to squeeze one firm cheek greedily and then proceeded with making his longtime fantasy a reality.

Kristoph could feel the crazed thoughts whirling in his diabolical mind.

 _I hope you're enjoying this as much as I am, Wright. I thought I'd take you to_ ** _heaven_** _, before I took you to_ ** _hell_** _. As for myself, I'm going to relish the rest of my intended future plans for you, my love slave, now that you've willingly succumbed to my advances and let me make you_ ** _meine miststück_** _._

The shocked gasp of pleasure heard behind the gag was intoxicating, and he had to reward such a gorgeous sight, and leaned down to lay an open-mouthed kiss to Phoenix's gagged lips, slipping his tongue in for a moment before removing it.

Kristoph giggled manically to himself in triumph.

 _I've been keeping tabs on you all this time, knowing eventually you and your precious daughter would be what leads to that worthless magician when he finally shows his face. He can't remain vanished forever. And the moment he reappears, I'm going to ensure Zak Gramarye disappears..._ ** _permanently_** _. That's the sole reason why darling Trucy, who also knows too much, has been spared_ ** _thus far._** _.. she is my guaranteed insurance that evasive_ ** _Scheißkerl_** _will eventually have to come out of hiding._

He sneered lewdly at the muffled sounds he was hearing.

 _Yes, I know it's good for you, too, you beautiful thorn in my side. You have no idea how when the time is right, I'm going to drain the_ ** _life_** _out of you as surely as I will drain you of your essence,_ ** _meine schlampe._**

Kristoph was bathed in perspiration afterward, a wet bead trickling along his temple. He caught his breath, and then the deranged but satiated blond heavily collapsed on top of the warm, equally sweaty form lying beneath him…

* * *

 _The Borscht Bowl Club_ – April 15, 2026

… Then, he opened his eyes… To find that he was still at The Borscht Bowl Club, his face buried in the shoulder of a certain trembling man's grey hoodie.

To Kristoph's utter humiliation, he could feel something like a sticky, wet spot originating from _inside his designer silk boxers_!

"Um, thanks for trying to help me out with your song request, Kristoph…." Phoenix's strangled voice managed to get out the words, although he was barely able to mask the horror in his eyes as he struggled to shift away from the piano bench, where he had been trapped before the German, who'd been leaning over the amateur pianist with his attempted tutelage. "But I really think that's the best I'm going to master with Def Leppard for tonight…heh heh…"

Repulsed and beyond mortified by his lack of control over his glaringly _not so latent_ carnal desires, Kristoph jerked himself away as though he'd been scalded. Panting slightly, the humiliated lawyer clumsily fumbled for his legal briefcase, which he had placed beside the former defense attorney on the piano bench when he had taken upon himself to attempt to instruct the subpar musician on which notes he would need to play to fulfill his musical request. He quickly placed the Italian leather bag over his visibly moist groin area, although he could already tell it was too late. Instantly, he became painfully aware that Phoenix already knew _just what had happened_ , considering there was now a smaller but very visible wet mark on the back of the musician's sweatshirt – which he could undoubtedly _feel_!

At that exact moment, a lumbering drunk stumbled past the piano and smirked at the red-faced lawyer and pianist. The man was obviously no stranger to the bottle, as his eyes had a strange sunken look and were threaded with scarlet so densely that they appeared pink. His cheeks glowed under broken veins, his actions were slow, clumsy, but his knowing laughter –and the cause of it – was comprehensible enough as he cracked up and pointed at Kristoph's crotch area.

"Hey dude, nice wet pants!" He guffawed, uncaring about the death glare he received in response for his raillery. "Normally I would think you had an unfortunate accident, but I heard you trying to teach the piano man how to play the Def Leppard tune! Even though he didn't fully succeed, looks like you decided to show him what "Pour Some Sugar on Me" was all about anyway! _Hee-Haw_!"

"Shut your mouth, you worthless piece of excrement!" Kristoph huffed haughtily, with as much dignity as a man who'd just soiled himself with his own pre-ejaculation fluid in a public setting before his archrival could possibly muster.

Swearing savagely in German, the incensed blond self-consciously stormed out the door, all the while conspicuously holding his briefcase over his lap as he did so, with the drunk's friends at the nearby table now joining in the roaring laughter, which rang in his ears as he made his hasty exit.

"Hey, piano man!" The inebriated patron focused his ridicule on the beyond petrified Phoenix, who had already jumped to his feet and was making a beeline to the bar. "Make sure you bill that guy for your dry cleaning! Dude pulled a _Bill Clinton_ on your sweatshirt there! _HA-ha!"_

Drowning in both shame and revulsion, Phoenix was already wrenching the offending article of clothing off his body, grateful for the fact that none of the nightmarish stain had seeped through to his T-shirt, and immediately thumped his hand down on the bar to get the attention of the mixologist.

 _I'm just going to thank all that is holy that its Tiffany's night off tonight, I would never live it down if she were to see this! Regardless I keep hoping this is some god awful dream!_

"I need a stiff drink on the double! Give me the hard stuff _now_ , Tyler!" He gasped, his eyes pleading and desperate. "You know the stuff am talking about – the nearly 80 proof Russian lighter fluid equivalent booze which Boris thinks he's hiding at the back! Gimme a minimum of three shots, NOW!"

"Are you serious?!" The bartender eyed him doubtfully. "The boss isn't going to like this! Plus he thinks Americans couldn't handle the stuff anyway – didn't he say this shizz would put the hair on your chest? Or strip it _off_?"

The forbidden liquor was Samogon, aka Russian moonshine. It came in many flavors, was distilled from many ingredients, and like most homemade alcohol, was often of near atomic strength. The potent mixture held a special place in Russian drinking culture as a kind of Robin Hood of alcohol.

"I'll handle the repercussions of stealing his stash later!" Phoenix yanked the bottle the dubious man reluctantly retrieved right out of his hand, and tipped his head back as he swigged from it directly, uncaring of the ramifications to him, from either Boris _or_ the booze! He didn't give a rat's ass about his promise to no longer drink – surely _this_ **_disturbia_** _incident_ was an exception?! All he wanted to do was obliterate what had just occurred from his scarred mind – hopefully _permanently_!

Samogon was as rich and diverse as those who made it. It could be delicious or deadly – another appeal of the drink was the myriad of ingredients one could throw into the fermenting mix. Sugar was required to help the process, but there was also grains, corn, beetroot or potatoes. To sweeten the mix some distillers added grapes, fruit, honey or any manner of weird and wonderful things. It had been invented as an alternative to vodka. Even though a relatively cheap spirit, it was still out of reach for some rural laborers, and that, combined with contempt for central authority, ensured Samogon continued to flourish. Also, as long as it was cheaper than the legally endorsed alternatives, despite being equal parts delicious and potentially deadly, one could bet it would continue to find home-made stills in the backyards of rural Russians, in this case relatives of the bar owner who'd smuggled a few bottles of the stuff on his last trip to his mother country.

"Easy there, Phoenix!" The cautious bartender hastily snatched the bottle from the pianist's greedy lips as he noted in alarm that _over a quarter_ of what had been a completely full bottle had now been digested. "This alcohol over 80% proof – _yes it's that strong! –_ And is also highly flammable. So now that you've _dared_ drink it, you might want to pass on that cigarette!"

 ** _Pour some sugar on me_**  
 ** _C'mon and fire me up_ **  
**_Pour your sugar on me_ **  
**_Oh, I can't get enough_ **  
**_I'm hot, sticky sweet_ **  
**_From my head to my feet yeah  
_**

The suggestive lyrics to the signature song of the classic rock band, which Kristoph had suggested he play, swirled around within the disgusted and now spinning confines of the _violated_ Phoenix's mind, along with his distressed thoughts.

 _Gah! Well that deviant freak **poured some sugar on me** alright! I would rather pour some lighter fluid on my poor unsuspecting hoodie and set it on fire – along with **myself**_ **!**

"Luckily, I don't smoke!" He rasped, rubbing his throat, which now felt as though it were burning within, as the woozy effects of the ingested fiery liquid mercifully began to kick in. He tossed his sweatshirt at the bartender and affected his most pleading expression. "Also, Tyler, could you throw that into the laundry tonight when you do the linens and towels at closing? Please?!"

"Sure thing," Tyler replied easily, reflexively pouring a glass of water for his colleague, who gulped it down easily in attempt to soothe his scorching insides. "Did you have a little... accident?"

"It wasn't _me_!" Phoenix blurted out, his eyes wild. " _Ngh_! Trust me, man! You _don't want to know!_ " He shakily pushed himself away from the bar and awkwardly headed towards the door. "Listen, there's only an hour left in my shift; just let Boris know I was feeling _violently ill_ and had to leave _immediately_! Tell him I had some sort of emergency and had to rush home to Trucy, OK?"

"But isn't it spring break for all the high schools right now?" The bartender asked blankly. "And didn't you say Trucy was up at her friend Jinxie's cottage this week?"

"What Boris and Natasha don't know won't hurt them!"

Unmindful of what he was doing, the officially _pissed off his gourd_ poker shark staggered to the exit, flung the door open and blindly looked around at his empty surroundings. It was 1 o'clock in the morning, and he had to cross the street to catch his bus. He didn't even look to see if it was safe for him to make his way across; all the drunken man knew was that he needed to put as much space between himself and the location of the traumatic event as quickly as possible!

In his distracted and intoxicated state, Phoenix stumbled onto the pavement to cross, without even checking for clearance first of approaching traffic on the otherwise deserted road.

The oncoming headlights of the approaching car were dipped so as not to dazzle any passing traffic, yet they still shone bravely out into the night, only to be swallowed by the pressing darkness of the otherwise unlit road, and the hiss of the tires over the smooth tarmac was lost under the loud blaring of the driver's chosen post-work unwinding music.

As the vehicle operator reached for the stereo knob to turn it up, they were wholly unmindful of the sprinting figure appearing in the darkness beyond the headlights, until unfortunately, the only option remaining for them was to avert disaster was to fervently pray, while frantically stomping on the brakes at the last-split second.

It was too late to swerve.

The abrupt, high-pitched sound of screeching rubber on cement completely drowned out the terrified, ear-splitting shriek, its harrowing sound nothing more than a piercing echo in the still of the night.

 ** _Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar On Me_**


	19. Spiderman and Cobwebs

_JP: it means so much to me that my readers not only suffered through (along with Phoenix being subject to) Kristoph's wet dream, but apparently got as much a kick out of reading it as I did Wrighting it! Also the last chapter seemed to have inspired_ _ **the most hilarious reviews**_ _I have gotten to date, so I have quoted them in my reader replies at the end of this chapter! You guys are the best! Love you bunches!_

* * *

 **Chapter Nineteen: Spiderman and Cobwebs**

 _Outside The Borscht Bowl Club_ – April 15, 2026

Since losing his badge, the lonely, generally blasé about his existence Phoenix Wright had neither paid much mind to his personal appearance, nor, save for Trucy, cared much about anything. Despite having been sober (for the _most_ part, a _couple of lapses,_ including tonight, notwithstanding!) for nearly 2 years, he also didn't really care to bother with shaving his stubble or wearing anything except his customary hobo garb, as it suited his poker face and slouched posture. Consequently, he knew he looked much older than a man who was in his early 30s, and merely shrugged at the fact that he now _looked_ _ **and**_ _felt_ every bit the _Old Man_ Maya used to joke that he was.

However, in that final blink of an eye, when he saw the advancing vehicle _careening_ towards him, the _utterly blitzed_ pianist sharply realized that having his life flash before his eyes, while only being _in his third decade_ of life, actually meant he wasn't very old _at all!_

This meant his obituary would surely list the newly deceased Phoenix Wright as _a_ _young man,_ albeit of forging acclaim _,_ and more than likely the ex-Ace Attorney would be deemed to have been _run down_ ( ** _literally_**!) in the prime of his youth!

At the sight of the blinding twin beams from the ancient, battered Pinto, the scream tore through him like a great shard of glass. His throat seared in agony from the loud release, while he felt his eyes widen and pulse quicken, his heart thudding like a rock clattering in a box. The scream came again, desperate and terrified. The blood drained from his face, and after only a few nanoseconds, his brain was in full panic. There was no coordinated movement for his cemented limbs; he could only remain helplessly frozen in place, like a stunned deer caught in the oncoming headlights, awaiting his inevitable fate.

At the very last split-second, just _centimeters_ short of the paralyzed from fright man, the earsplitting, squealing sound of burning tires jerking to a halt left a ringing in his ears. The fender of the vehicle had actually grazed against the leg of his sweatpants, although fortunately, his bared-sandal toes had been spared. Phoenix hadn't even realized he'd been painfully holding his breath within his lungs until he finally expelled all the pent-up air in a heavy gasp of relief, and resumed normal breathing again.

 _Boy, what a blare that was!_ The Ford operator's whirling mind barely registered the catastrophe she'd just narrowly averted. _It made the hair strand straight up on the back of my neck! That was the loudest, most piercing sound I have_ _ **ever**_ _heard! It sounded like a scream of wild panic – of hysteria and disbelief, bordering on terror. Dogarnit , I need to make sure this fella's alright!_

The driver's heart was hammering like a bird trapped in a cage, increasing in intensity and speed as she shakily jerked into park and leapt out of the driver side door, the adrenaline coursing through her system.

Had Phoenix been sober, _instead of three sheets to the wind_ , he would've realized upon sight of the emerging driver, that his night was now going to morph from being constituted as " _not my day"_ to officially being " _into the realm of a waking nightmare_!"

"Curse you, you dang _snipperwhapper_!" The still-flustered driver shrieked, waving her fist furiously at the poleaxed Phoenix. "Why don't you watch where you're going?! You thoughtless youngsters these days, just gallivanting around where you please, and nearly giving sweet little old ladies like me a heart attack!"

The pedestrian, _who had nearly become roadkill_ , didn't answer, as he was too busy still huffing and puffing from his near brush with death, and even in the surrounding pitch darkness, which was only lit up by the beams of her car, she could see that he was ghostly pale.

"Dagnabbit, are you alright, sonny?" The harridan asked uneasily, cautiously putting a hand on the card shark's bare forearm, noting his horripilation as he continued to huff away raggedly. "You _do know_ you nearly scared me half to death, you reckless whippersnapper?! And while I have half a mind to keep giving you the _tongue-lashing_ you deserve for being such a careless, mindless clod, much like the rest of the youthful louts of today, I'm too much of a gentlewoman of my long-lost generation to simply leave you in this sorry state! Do you need me to take you to the hospital? Or at least give you a lift home?"

The rattled Phoenix still couldn't reply, as he was too busy being bent over and breathing heavily, his hands on his knees. He yanked his beanie off his head and raked a frenzied hand over his spikes, now damp with previously fearful perspiration. The sight of his trademarked mane caused a flicker of recognition to at last dawn upon the old woman's withered features, replacing her steadfast expression of concern.

" _Now_ I know who you are, you mindless, annoying _brat_!" The former security guard exclaimed. "I've been looking high and low for you these _last three years_ , but you seem to have vanished into the thin air since _the incident_! You were probably under my nose all this time, but I would never recognized you without those _crazy hair points_ of yours, which you've been slyly hiding underneath that hat! Who do you think you are _Clarke Kent_ , wearing such an _obvious disguise_ and masking your secret identity all this time?! Although, I reckon _glasses_ is still a more laughably transparent guise than that gaudy cap of yours – it's _spring_ in California, why in the blazes are you wearing a _winter_ hat anyway?! – but I still can't believe the ruse actually _worked_ with _me_ of all people! It takes a lot to pull a fast one on _sharp as a whip,_ Wendy Oldbag! She's normally not so easily fooled, _no siree, Bob_!"

" _Ms. Oldbag_?" Glazed eyes stared with dawning perception upon the former Wicked Witch of the Witness Stand at last as the poker champ unsteadily placed his hat back on. "Izzat _you_? I din recognize your voice affirst…"

The fact that Phoenix was unable to recognize the ear-grating, nasally _yapping_ of the over-talkative infamous courtroom witness, with whom he'd had copious amounts of unpleasant (and _unforgettable,_ had he indeed been _sober_ and _not blitzed_ on brain-numbing, illegal Russian moonshine!) encounters should have been an obvious testament to how plastered he was! But in the case of the normally observant old biddy, aka the wretched Wendy, her fragile ego overcame her common sense at that moment.

"Yes it's _me,_ you _unenlightened yob_!" She grumbled. "And you can call me _Wendy_! None of this _Ms. Olbag_ business – makes me feel like a decrepit old fart, when I am still very much _young at heart_! I still have the _ticker_ of a young tender maiden – it's just my _body_ refuses to cooperate at times!"

He swayed slightly on his feet, but the surprisingly strong, despite her age, Miles Edgeworth fan girl placed a steadying arm around him, unsure if it was the revelation of her identity which was causing the ex-attorney to be rocking on his heels – like the rest of the world, she of course was well aware of his disbarred status – or _something else_ entirely! Either way, it appeared she would have to do her Good Samaritan duty.

"Apologies… _Wendy_ ," Phoenix murmured faintly, completely oblivious to the flush of pleasure on her withered face at hearing her Christian name being upon a young man's lips, for the first time since her husband had passed. "I'll call you whatever you want."

"Just don't call me _late for dinner!_ Humph! I suppose this is a step in the right direction! Forgetting a lady's name is just another thing that's wrong with the ill-mannered, unchivalrous youth of today! Luckily, we have an entire car ride for me to express how _thoroughly dejected_ I am that _you_ could forget _me_ , of all people, buster! Let's get you in the car – can't have you passing out on me here!"

Wendy practically carried the intoxicated pianist over to the passenger side door and all but hefted him into the car, carefully buckling his seat-belt before climbing back into the Ford.

"I've been looking high and low for you for some time now, you evasive, spiky-haired whippersnapper! Where in Sam Hill have you been hiding?"

"I've been working as a pianist at the bar across the street since I lost my badge," Phoenix mumbled, leaning back his spinning head against the headrest. "I'd just finished my shift and was heading to the bus stop before I nearly became…"

" _My hood ornament_!" She cut him off with agitation. "Anyway, I'm going to _run you over_ to your home, no pun intended! But first, I need to stop by my place. Number one, I've been in this accursed costume for over 12 hours in the blistering sun at Gatewater Land, and I'm about to lose my mind if I don't get out of it soon! And number two, I've had something of yours in my possession, like I said, for a few years now!"

"Wassat?" Phoenix's words were beginning to slur even more now. "Anf, whyya lookit like a big metal pink bunny, wif big round… boobies?"

Wendy scowled at him, forgoing his first question in her indignation, and still not cluing into his altered mindset – in her faded, presently irked memories of the man, hadn't he _always_ been a mumbler?

"They're called _breasts_ , you _unrefined heathen_! And they're part of my Pink Princess getup at the amusement park, where I just pulled a double shift because of some special police parade! How can _you,_ of all people, not recognize the outfit? You and that plucky little assistant of yours defended the Steel Samurai back in the day! _She's_ the one who inspired Sal Manella's interest in making a spin-off show starring the hero's love interest!"

"Sowwy." The spiky-haired man flashed a goofy, drunken grin, unaware of how becoming it made him look to the _thirsty_ dotard. "Of course Ima be lost about who you 'posed to be - wiffout your _head_!"

"It's in the back seat! I can't drive with the blasted thing on, you know!" She cast him an irate, sideways glance. "Incidentally, when I found your billfold in the bushes at People's Park all those years ago, since you didn't have a driver's license, there was no identification which actually had your address on it, so I had no way of returning it to you. And then I kept forgetting to just turn it into the police. I knew it was yours though, based on the photo of you and little munchkin in the top hat you also had in there, along with the picture of your assistant hidden in the back of it."

"That was Maya. She's not with me anymore." Even though his eyes were closed and his head was still tipped back against the headrest, there was a slight catch in Phoenix's voice, and he suddenly felt lower than the tits on a retired stripper. "The other photo…Dat's my baby gurl. My widdle Trucy doll – she's my daughter."

"Your _daughter_?" That caught her attention. She blinked in surprise, then smirked. "Well I'll be doggone! I'm guessing when you conceived her – cat's pajamas, you must have still been in high school! – You _weren't_ using one of the _Magnum_ - _sized_ _willie warmers_ you also had in your billfold, which I'm guessing are now expired! By jove, you're a blockhead! Don't you know you're not supposed to keep sheepskins in a wallet?"

Had Phoenix actually been of sound mind and body, granny's intimate knowledge of his belongings would have been beyond mortifying, and he was too far gone to inform the presumptuous woman Trucy was adopted. Instead, he merely chuckled sheepishly.

"Oops! My bad! At least I'm a safety boy!"

"Oh my stars! You kids nowadays needing to pretty much _wrap yourselves up in a tire_ in order to enjoy making whoopee! I almost feel sorry for you! If only you had known the _joys of free love_ in the 1960s! That decade was just the bee's knees!"

Realizing she'd wistfully, but unintentionally, gone down a slippery slope down memory lane, Wendy cleared her throat and continued to ramble.

"There was also your expired Ivy University student ID – before your spiky-haired days, I see, and _also_ before you had _any fashion sense_ to speak of! Even your current hobo ensemble is an improvement from what you were wearing in that photo! I hope you killed that god-awful pink sweater with fire!"

 _Iris, bless your heart..._ he chortled inwardly. _But that atrocious sweater you gave me was the biggest fashion faux-pas since Crocs!_

"There was also a matchbook with a phone number on it, and another napkin with _another_ number written on it in lipstick… Heavens to Betsy, you're just a regular Casanova aren't you? You trying to create some more brothers and sisters for your daughter there!?"

"What?! You peeked in _every inch of my wallet_?" Phoenix stared at her incredulously, momentarily stunned into sobriety as he tried to recall just _whose_ phone numbers he'd collected way back then! "Hey! _Objectification_! No, wait…dat's not right! I mean, _objection_! Dat's an unfair privacy violation!"

"Do you think I give a moist, soggy bag of dick lint about _fair_?" She flashed a supercilious sneer at his startled expression upon hearing her uncharacteristic colloquialism. "I feel like I know you _inside out_ by having stumbled upon that personal piece of your property, _you man whore_! I _also_ know you aren't married – no wedding ring on your hand. However, I imagine that doesn't mean a lick…men these days don't seem to want to wear bands anymore."

The chatterbox hag pulled onto a side street in front of a modest-sized, Spanish-style, split-level house.

"My late husband Harry did, but he wasn't the romantic type at all. Why, when he proposed to me he said _"I guess I'm stuck with you now"_ …of all the nerve! Grrrr…that's enough valuable breath wasted on that no-good shit weasel! You also had a library card, bus tickets, your social security card, a loyalty stamp card for Eldoon's Noodles, and enough stamps for a free Samurai Dog – I ate it as a _finder's fee_ …"

In their distracted and drunken states, neither Wendy Oldbag nor Phoenix Wright noticed the mysterious black Mercedes, with dark tinted windows, which had been trailing a safe distance behind them since they'd left The Borscht Bowl Club vicinity, discreetly parking a few houses down, the driver of the vehicle never once tearing their narrowed, unwavering gaze off the duo.

* * *

 _Wendy Oldbag's House -_ April 15, 2026

The costumed woman exited the Ford and assisted the droopy pianist out of the passenger side, grunting at his slumped weight against her shoulder.

"We're at my place. You may as well come on in. I need to hunt for the wallet and it might take a while for me to remember where I put it. Maybe I can give you some coffee or water or something while you just sit back and relax those nerves for a bit; you've had quite a shock to your system tonight."

 _In more ways than one!_ Phoenix lamented idly as she escorted his stumbling form into the house and plunked him down on her couch. _I'd nearly forgotten everything before the near collision!_ _What a nice lady to take care of me and offer to drive me home! Even with this detour to her house, I'd still get home faster than I would've on the late-night bus anyway! Also, yay! I get my wallet back at last!_

"Yer da besssst, Wendy." He smiled dopily, flopping his head back against the cushions, not realizing that in the act of slumping backward, his joggers had marginally slid down his narrow hips, and his T-shirt had ridden up ever so slightly as well, giving the suddenly lascivious mascot a tantalizing glimpse of tanned, toned flesh. "Tanks fer taking care of me. Sowwy 'gain for not havin knowed who you wuz, purty lady, or weckanizin your costume at frist. I _always_ wuved da Pink Princess!"

Wendy giggled girlishly, having never heard these words from a man in at least five decades, and batted her eyelashes coquettishly. The deluded and hopelessly vain woman had yet to fully realize that this was a glaring case of _beauty being in the eyes of the beer holder_ , and that she was being gazed upon with very boozy goggles indeed!

" _Pretty lady_?" She cooed and giggled girlishly. "You sure know how to make a lady be weak in the knees! Oh you sweet talker! I'm going to hunt for your wallet right now!"

As she hurried down the hall, she spent quite a bit of time tearing her room upside down, trying to remember where she had put the found item, at last retrieving it from a metal box on the top shelf of her closet, in which she had stored several precious items: an signed poster of the late movie star, whose last role had been as the Evil Magistrate, Jack Hammer; an autographed Jammin Ninja script from the late portrayer, Juan Corrida; and several pictures of a certain debonair, cravat-wearing prosecutor, most taken with the telescopic lens of her trusty DSLR camera, including some steamy ones of him in the shower at the gym. _Why_ did the darn man have to be living in a _penthouse condo_! She may have been a whizang sleuth for her _spidey sense_ of her darling Edgey-Poo's whereabouts, but she was no _Spiderman_! How the heck was she supposed to scale the walls of a 30-story building?!

The spiky-haired whippersnapper had been friends with her Edgey-Poo, if memory served her correctly, the besotted old woman mused to herself as she headed back to the living room with the retrieved billfold in hand. Now, Miles Edgeworth, _there_ was a man who knew how to charm the pants off a lady, and without even _trying_!

Wendy had changed out of her cumbersome Pink Princess garb and was wearing a knee-length housecoat over her nightgown now – she'd noticed her impromptu house-guest had looked very bleary eyed, and figured he could just crash on the couch for the night and she would drop him home in the morning, as she was quite tired herself from working such a long shift in the blistering sun.

"Here's your wallet, whippersnapper," she announced, dropping the item over the back of the couch onto what she presumed was his lap, before coming around to the front. "I can get you something to drink now if you like. You're free to crash here tonight if you want. I'm feeling pretty pooped myself and I can run you home in the morning…"

Her words were fully intended to reassure Phoenix he was safe in her company – despite her preferred penchant for the prosecutor over the former defense attorney, she vividly recalled that the dark-haired man had been a very earnest, good-hearted legal eagle, so she wanted him to know he could trust her.

Her words trailed off as she took her premier _long, hard look_ at the fine young specimen passed out on her sofa, now in proper lighting.

Licking her suddenly dry lips, her hungered, fervid eyes roved over every inch of him as she realized his T-shirt had only crept up higher in his slumber, now revealing not just sculpted abdominals but the rest of his physique, including wide shoulders, a lean waist, and rigid pecs. The fabric of the joggers rolled down his lean hips were tightly pulled back against his legs in the position he was in, showcasing strong calves and muscular thighs. Also, Wendy noted fastidiously, with that distracting hairdo covered up by that _ridiculous hat_ , for the first time ever, she could ruefully admit having _overlooked_ Phoenix in the past would've been a gross understatement!

One second ago, she'd been thoroughly exhausted and ready to hit the hay – but _sleep_ was presently _the furthest thing from her mind_ at that particular moment!

The beguiling sight of those hooded bedroom eyes, now serenely closed, long lashes sweeping against his cheeks, made Wendy Oldbag shamelessly acknowledge that in his own way, although very different in appearance from the classically handsome, finely chiseled and aristocratic-featured Miles Edgeworth, the sprawled out man lying before her simply _oozed raw manly sexuality_. With his full head of thick, black hair and built body, even unconscious, the sleeping Phoenix Wright was still so _unapologetically, blatantly male_ , and although sleepy and defenseless . . . _was utterly gorgeous_.

Wendy's heart would always belong to her precious Edgey-poo – she would chase him forever to the ends of the earth! – but she'd be a _fool_ not to _carpe diem!_ Not when this _succulent morsel_ had presented itself to her, and in such a _titillating manner_ , as though on a silver platter!

Deciding to test the waters and gauge how far gone he was, she leaned forward until her mug was only inches from his. The sleeping poker champ's lips parted slightly, expelling a gush of warm, _unmistakably alcohol-laden_ breath in her face. Wendy wrinkled her nose and drew back slightly, realizing at last, that Phoenix hadn't been merely _exhausted_ from work and _traumatized_ from the ordeal after all – he'd overdosed on _Giggle Water_ and was _paralytically plastered!_

 _Dang it! The man's been hitting the hard stuff! Mercy Me! He wasn't just_ _ **bleary-eyed!**_ _He's flat-out_ _ **boryeyed!**_

Wendy briefly wrestled with her scruples as she grasped the fact that her loins were warm for a gamin who was as _pissed as a newt!_ Even if she hadn't had _houghmagandy_ for so long, _she was sure they must have changed it_ , wouldn't it be well… _frowned upon,_ if she were to take advantage of someone so helplessly _banjaxed_ ?

Still…it'd been so damn long since she'd been _slammed like a dunny door in a gale_ that she was sure she had _cobwebs collecting_!

 _The winds have shifted in my favor. The golden opportunity has presented myself for a sexy young whippersnapper who can't actually run away from being chased after! Besides, surely he feels **some** sort of attraction towards me?_ She attempted to rationalize her intended actions to herself. _H_ _e **did** say I was a pretty lady and that he loved Pink Princess **didn't he**? Just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean there's no fire in the chimney! And while his pride and joy may be in a state of detumescence, I **know** I can fix that!_

In the end, her overwhelming concupiscence overcame her conscience, figuring by the time she was done with the _sure to be memorable lechercraft_ , the dead to the world Phoenix probably wouldn't even wake up, or ever realize he'd been her _unwitting human vibrator!_

It was with these thoughts that the determinedly rabid Wendy Oldbag bounded towards her bathroom, her pulse racing with excitement and her senses heightened in anticipation.

Not even paying mind to what she was doing in her horny haste, she grabbed a tube of what she deemed to be her personal lubricant from the well-stocked medicine cabinet – the _last_ thing she wanted from this illicit, thrill-banging tryst was _Sahara Snooch Syndrome!_ It was a most unfortunate and _uncomfortable_ side effect of advanced age! Dabbing a glopping amount in the appropriate area, she scooped a generous amount on her finger to apply to her unsuspecting partner as well.

 _Double dose should minimize friction, and hey, the smoother the glide, the better the ride, right?_ She cackled to herself. _You know what they say: what's good for the goose is good for the gander!_

Returning to the living room and shoving his pants down to his knees, Wendy wasted no time in slathering the rest of the emollient on the still zonked out pianist, admiring every velvety, growing inch of him as she worked her magic to prime him for readiness, simultaneously relieved yet disappointed he didn't even stir at her expert ministrations.

 _Poor sap won't even know his pulsating thrill hammer had the experience of a lifetime! I'm going to ride him so vigorously his hipbones may shatter! I have_ _ **a lot**_ _of lost time to make up for here…I haven't had relations since before this whippersnapper's been born!_

Wendy was so focused on her mission she didn't even take heed to the black gloved hand turning the knob of the unlocked front door, or the unnoticed spectator observing her next actions, as silent as the grave.

The geriatric gorgon was about to climb atop Phoenix's supine form when she at last spotted the uninvited guest in the doorway. Gasping and clutching her chest, she felt the nausea creeping from her abdomen to her head as her stomach gave out, and felt as if her innards were being replaced by some kind of black hole. All the blood had run down into her bare toes, and her eyes bulged in recognition while her jaw dropped open in horror at the sight of the recent arrival as they stepped forward into the room.

Everything afterward happened in such a rapid-fire succession, it was though a time warp had occurred.

The last thing the stupefied Wendy remembered was feeling her rapidly thumping heart do a complete turnabout, as she then felt the terrifying, unfamiliar sensation of it abruptly ceasing its beating entirely. She went down like a sack of potatoes as the world went black.

Cool as a cucumber, the visitor's unruffled gaze surveyed the scene before them: a youngish male with his pants pulled down to his knees, splayed out on his back on the overstuffed chesterfield, and an octogenarian female wearing only a nightie, her discarded bathrobe on the shag carpeting, slumped on top of him. Both parties were still as corpses, and neither appeared to be breathing at all.

A smug leer played on the intruder's lips.

 _Serves you right, dirt bag._

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's:_

 **Chapter 18**

 **Forgreatcoffee**

" _So 4 inches. Kristoph has a 4-inch German sausage... That might explain all the anger he has. Kristoph and his teeny weenie have a thing for beenie feenie!"_

It never fails to amuse me how easily men are amused by micro peen! LOL

Phoenix is so broke at this point he would need to save up to be poor which I suppose is the only reason he did not kill it with fire with regards to his sweatshirt although if he had briefed on it and lit a match after consuming that much moonshine he would've been able to achieve the results easily enough!

Yes Kristof is a LITTLE bitch even in his fantasies, which is the _only_ way the creepy German sausage will ever get Phoenix Wright into his bed!

Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this long dead and recently resurrected story!

 **That One Aloof Guy**

Although admittedly as cringe worthy at times as it is hopefully comical, I am glad you are able, and hope you and my other readers can continue to appreciate this story, which is different from any other work I have ever done for Ace Attorney, for what it truly is intended to be: nothing more than an AU, nonsensical sexual comedy/tragedy with a hint of heart as Nick is not your typical soulless womanizer!

Congratulations on making it through this entire somewhat contreversial story thus far, which I know is not everybody's cup of tea, and most definitely not for the faint of heart, especially with the last chapter and the implied yaoi, even though it was only a fantasy! :p

 **Yanmegaman**

" _To quote Cleveland Brown. "Oh, that's naaaaasty."_

It has been suggested to me several times by readers and I can't help but somewhat agree, that Kristoph Gavin's psychotic obsession and hatred with Phoenix Wright almost borderlines on the homoerotic, therefore I decided to make fun of the periwinkle piss-head and his desire to hate-f*ck Nick into a coma… Not so much with his creepy German bratwurst but more like with his Vienna sausage? Cocktail weenie? In his fantasies I bet the freak pictures Nick being twice his size…which would explain how he is quite possibly the only man in history to ever suffer from literal penis envy! XD

Love you for loving ME enough to cringe your way through this, pal I know it's not normally your BAG! :p (see what I did there?)

 **thepudz**

" _JP, I was promised straight sex when I started reading this story. WHAT HAPPENED?!"_

I'm starting to think that I'm writing for an audience exclusively of men or at least going solely by my reviewers who will admit to reading the story! LOL

This actually happened _before_ his car crash so in this universe poor Nick _almost_ got hit by a car and then, two months later – literally got hit by a car! XD

I _promise_ you and nothing but blissful, uninhibited _heterosexual_ shagging (and hopefully laughter!) From this point forward! Thanks for bearing with me mate!

 **CzarThwomp**

" _After reading Kristoph's wet dream, I can't help but imagine him sitting in his penthouse like Jabba the Hutt with Phoenix, in Leia's golden bikini, sitting at his side."_

That sidesplitting yet somewhat awkward moment when your readers manage to leave a review that rivals the comedy in the actual chapter! XD

Unlike Turnabout Everlasting, which makes my readers apparently sniffle as much as they snort with laughter on occasion, I am happy to know that _this_ completely unapologetic, _balls to the wall_ comedy can at last inspire within you the chuckles at your writing has always given me! Thanks so much! :-)


	20. Suck Deep, Man

_A/N: Gonna try to make this a two-chapter week as this story, ideally will be done before I take off for Christmas! Hope you enjoy and again, thanks for reading! SERIOUS steam factor here for the weekend... ;)_

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty:** **Suck Deep, Man**

 _Hickfield Clinic_ – April 15, 2026

When Phoenix awoke, his eyelids felt weighed down as he moved sluggishly, eyes slowly coming to focus on the harsh fluorescent lighting above. He was dimly aware of his body feeling zapped of all energy, his limbs feeling heavy and barely able to move. Saliva pooled in the back of his throat and he swallowed, trying not to panic as he took in his unfamiliar surroundings. His heart was pounding, ready to explode, and his frantic eyes scanned left and right for signs of someone coming to help him solve the mystery of why he was lying back flat on a thin gurney in a curtained cubical, the surrounding air with an undertone of bleach, with nothing else to examine but the polystyrene tiled ceiling.

The ex-lawyer could hear moans from an adjacent bed and that at least made him glad for the curtains, it meant he didn't have to engage with whoever it was, to show any sympathy he didn't feel, because all he wanted to know was why the _hell_ he was in the hospital, and how it was that he had no memory whatsoever of what in God's name could have brought him there!

He reached down to draw back the thin sheet that covered him, and saw a steel-blue gown covered him, falling to his knees, the fabric distressed by so much wear, yet still rough. There was nothing to hold his frayed mind or attention. Outside this space could be anything, anyone. There was nothing even to mark time. Would someone come in five minutes or five hours? Would he even know the difference?

After what seemed like an eternity had past, and just when Phoenix thought he was going to lose _what was left of his mind_ , the curtain was swiftly drawn back, and a middle-aged male doctor in green scrubs, who appeared to be of South Asian origin, smiled pleasantly at the flummoxed pianist as he came to introduce himself.

"Well look who decided to stay among the _land of the living_!" The medical practitioner's thick East Indian accent did nothing to mask his amusement as Phoenix just stared back at him dazedly. "You gave us quite a scare, so I'm glad to see you're finally awake, Phoenix. I'm Dr. Mann. How are you feeling?"

"Confused," he croaked, desperately wishing he had something to drink, as his throat felt as dry as sandpaper. "What am I doing here? What happened to me?"

As if reading his mind, the doctor turned and handed him a Styrofoam cup with a straw, which was on a trolley by the foot of the bed. Phoenix drank from it greedily, gasping as the chilly liquid quenched his mouth and throat. It was only ice water, but to him it tasted like the ambrosial nectar of the Gods, he'd been so dehydrated. The doctor patiently waited until he was done drinking before answering his questions.

"I hope you're alright with me calling you _Phoenix_ ," Dr. Mann's bushy mustache twitched into what the poker champion could only describe as the _mother_ of all _shit-eating_ grins! "Given the… _intimate nature_ of what brought you to the emergency room, I feel like I know you _quite well_ already! Likewise, _you_ can call _me_ Sukhdeep."

Phoenix supposed the offer to use the doctor's first name was meant to put him at ease, given his state of panicked confusion, but all he could _now_ think of was the misfortune the other man's moniker must have for him being in an _English speaking, American_ civilization. In Punjabi the given name probably was quite meaningful, but to the card shark's Anglophone mind, it just sounded lewdly, offputtingly… _hilarious_!

 _You've_ _ **got**_ _to be shitting me_! The patient stared at his medical provider in disbelief as he fought the urge to snicker. _This guy's name is literally_ _ **Suck Deep**_ _…_ _ **Mann**_ _?! Oh Dear Lord! I never thought I would ever run into somebody with a more unfortunate name than_ _ **Larry –**_ _often mistaken for_ _ **Harry – Butz**_ _!_

"Um, I really don't think I _can_ …" he murmured gauchely, averting his gaze, as he was afraid the other man would be able to read his juvenile thoughts. "Er, I'll stick with calling you Dr. Mann, if you don't mind. But, um, of course, feel free to call _me_ whatever you wish."

"It's fine. You wouldn't be the first person to find humor in the combination of my first and last name," the doctor drawled, his dark eyes twinkling mischievously. "I was the firstborn son to Indian immigrant parents, although at least with my younger sister, they decided to be more kind and give her a _less comical_ , _more westernized name_. Or so they _thought_ at the time anyway… but I digress. Anyhow, I just thought I would break the ice with you and give you a free pass to laugh upon hearing my full name, as most of my patients do, so we could call it even."

" _Even_?" He echoed blankly, feeling a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach as the doctor's impish grin only widened.

"Indeed! I would be lying if I did not tell you that the nature of _your_ admission to the ER didn't garner a few chuckles from my colleagues…along with utter _amazement_ that you're _somehow_ _still alive_."

Dr. Mann glimpsed down at the chart he held in his hand and whistled slightly.

"You must understand, the alcohol level in your bloodstream _alone_ would have killed most other men. At 0.30 BAC you would be in an utter STUPOR. You have little comprehension of where you are. You may pass out suddenly and be difficult to awaken. At 0.35, _a coma is_ _possible_. This is the level of _surgical anesthesia_. At 0.40 and up, we are talking onset of coma, and _possible death due to respiratory arrest_. Yours… was **_0.43_**."

" _Jesus H. Christ_!" Phoenix's eyes nearly bulged out of his head. "Did you just say…?"

"You heard me. You are truly a medical marvel and an overall enigma, Phoenix Wright." The doctor arched a derisive brow as the patient squirmed uncomfortably on the gurney and turned beet red. "Whatever did you do, Mr. Man of Steel? Suck petrol directly from the gasoline pump?"

"Something like that…" He mumbled, as the humiliating memory of exactly _what_ had driven him to chug back Boris's illegal Russian moonshine came flooding back to him. "I've survived many near-death circumstances in my life, which would probably fill many medical textbooks, heh, heh. Ah, was my elevated BAC and subsequently shocking survival the reason why you and your colleagues were having a riot?"

"No, _that_ was why we were shaking our heads in wondrous incredulity," Dr. Mann corrected. "The _true_ reason why we _may_ have snickered a tad was due to the _grotesque faux pas_ made by your… _sexual partner_."

"My _what_ now?!"

Phoenix didn't recall having engaged in any sort of carnal activity since Lotta Hart back in January last year! Prior to that, he'd been quite diligent in forfeiting his promiscuous behavior in the quest for getting Trucy a New Mommy, which had been par for course when he'd kicked his wine habit two years ago. Exactly _what_ had transpired when he'd obviously blacked out at whatever huggermugger whereabouts?!

"It seems she grabbed what she _thought_ was personal lubricant from her presumably well-stocked medicine cabinet and applied quite a copious amount, to both her vagina and onto your penis." Dr. Mann reported as he checked his notes. "But, unfortunately it was _nitroglycerin paste_ , a heart drug that can cause a potentially fatal drop in blood pressure. Mercifully for you, your _fiancée_ found you at your clandestine location, with your pants down by your knees, and your… _lover_ wearing nothing but a housecoat and flannel nightgown, unconscious and on top of each other. We have been giving you both oxygen and fluids ever since to restore you back to your normal state."

 _What the fuck?! Just how long was I unconscious?! I feel like Rip Van Winkle…was I asleep for 20 years?!_

Phoenix's jaw dropped to his chest, not sure what groundbreaking news had him more thunderstruck. Since coming to in the ER, it seemed he'd not only acquired a _mystery lover_ , without his knowledge, but now a _fiancée_ to boot?! And they weren't even the _same person_?! How was it since being sober he was even more a _depraved man_ _whore_ than _ever_?!

"Your paramour should be fine. However, given her advanced age, it will take her much longer to recover than _you_ , of course, but she should be just fine, eventually. Luckily for her, the ambulance got there just in time before her heart fully ceased beating."

Dr. Mann pulled the side curtain back, and Phoenix's horror-struck eyes fell on the familiar figure lying unconscious in the cubicle beside him, from which he'd heard the earlier moans, various machines hooked to the motionless form, and he recoiled sharply, **_literally_** _feeling his balls jump back into his body._ It was _Wendy FREAKING Oldbag!_

"Your fiancée is a true heroine. She saved _both_ your lives. The …. _zealous_ Ms. Oldbag had squirted nearly _half a tube's_ worth of nitroglycerin into her vagina."

 _Ngh! I don't want to hear the word_ _ **vagina**_ _in conjunction with the Chasm of Doom of that Jurassic relic! Ugh! I think…I may have just thrown up in my mouth! Maybe I'll get lucky and_ _ **choke**_ _on it and be put out of my misery of knowing by plunging into that axe wound, just how lower than the depths of Hades I hath sunken…_

The doctor's words washed over him like a bucket of cold sick and he felt nauseous to the pit of his stomach. Then with a smile that was supposed to reassure him, Dr. Mann drew the curtain closed and asked if he had any questions.

 _You bet your ass I have questions!_ Phoenix internally screamed, his body beginning to quaver with the force of his revulsion _._ _ **Who**_ _the hell is my so-called fiancée?_ _ **What**_ _possessed me to wander into the abominable realms of_ _ **The Abyss**_ _?!_ _ **Why**_ _did she let me live?! I chose_ _ **death**_ _over living with the realization that I somehow ventured into that Jack Nasty Face!_

"You've gone awfully pale, Phoenix." Dr. Mann's kindly face was wreathed with concern. "Are you alright?"

"I _didn't_!" He squawked, voice trembling with the knowledge of this abomination. "Please tell me I _didn't_! There's no way I _ever_ would have –"

"Calm down. Given that you had enough alcohol within your system to float the Titanic, _along with_ the medical ointment on your penile area, it's very unlikely that you would have been able to have an erection in either circumstance, never mind _both_ ," Dr. Mann attempted to reassure him, frowning with apprehension as he saw Phoenix's blood pressure on the monitor was now skyrocketing! "Regardless, even with an examination, it's more difficult with men than it is with women to medically ascertain if there was any actual penetration into Ms. Oldbag's vagina…"

 _Gah! Stop saying_ _ **vagina**_ _!_ Phoenix felt the bile rising in his throat. _The_ _ **real**_ _marvel here is I somehow went in the gaping maw of The Black Hole_ _ **and**_ _lived… albeit_ _ **against my better wishes**_ _!  
_  
"Don't worry, _honey_ ," a sultry female voice cut in, drawing back the curtain. "Number one, my studly _soldier_ , although dead to the world, your _privates_ were still somehow _standing at attention_. But rest assured, I managed to get there in the nick of time before you and Medusa actually entered _the Bone Zone_."

 _That voice…Where do I know it from?_

Phoenix flinched as his eyes fell upon the owner of the purring tone, and his eyes rested on a sloe-eyed, exquisite Latina, who, if memory served him corrected, would now be in her early 40's, although she was immaculately preserved. Her petite, curvy figure was poured into a long, clingy coffee-colored dress, worn with matching elbow-length gloves. A silky hood covered her mahogany hair. In its short, deliberately messy wash-and-wear style, it looked quite sexy against her olive skin, lit by a flush that made her chocolate eyes look bright and sparkly as they rested on him.

"Ms. Vasquez, there you are." Dr. Mann smiled. "You'll be happy to see your fiancé is awake at last, thanks to you. She's been quite fretful about you, Phoenix."

"I'm glad to see you're awake, lover," smirked the vampy former producer of _The Steel Samurai_ show, otherwise known as Dee Vasquez. "I've been driven nearly _mad_ with worry!"

 _Holy shit snacks! Dee Vasquez?!_ Phoenix's jaw dropped. _The same woman who tried to have me killed a decade ago by her goons in the Will Powers case –_ _ **She's**_ _my alleged fiancé?!_

" _Her?_ " He gaped. " _She's_ my –"

Before he could say another word, or think or do anything that made any sense at all, his words were cut off as Dee leaned forward and crushed her merlot-colored lips against his, the unexpected action creating a wave of euphoria washing over him. This was no slow, gentle kiss. Out of pure instinct, his mouth opened immediately, and she gripped the back of his neck, pushing them together closer, a low moan like a growl rising from her throat as she pressed her body against his hard build, effectively silencing him.

It was as though Dee had stolen a page from _Phoenix's_ own book about how to _shut up someone up_ when they were talking too much – although it was the first time, _ever_ , that _he'd_ been the one who'd been stifled!

 _OK, the alcohol must still be effecting my brain, because this woman kisses like a blowfish on batteries – and I'm not sure that's a_ _ **bad**_ _thing…._

He'd almost forgotten Dr. Mann's presence in the room, until he heard the physician awkwardly clear his throat.

Phoenix drew back, but he'd stopped talking. Dee remained close to him, her slender fist bunched up in his gown, her eyes huge, her lips so close, he couldn't stop himself from wanting to taste them once more, and was compelled to know what that lush, pillowy mouth would feel like again – _without_ an audience present…

Dee's vixenish intonation cut into his thoughts.

"Thanks for taking such good care of my betrothed, Dr. Mann."

The femme fatale winked a heavily eye-shadowed lid at the doctor and trailed a satiny gloved finger over Phoenix's lips, wordlessly cautioning him to remain mum.

"In light of the circumstances which I encountered when I stumbled across my darling in that _libidinous harridan's_ home, despite my fiancé's admirable ability to have _risen to the occasion_ , I can assure you given the alcohol in his system, _all_ activity would've been _without his consent_. We will let the Hickfield Clinic know whether or not we'll be pressing charges of _attempted rape_ against Ms. Oldbag whenever she awakens."

" _We_ shall be doing _no such thing_!" Phoenix blurted out, already shooting out of bed and looking around urgently for his clothing, which was atop the trolley in the cubicle. "I just want to put this whole nightmare behind me and get the _hell_ out of here!"

"You really shouldn't be discharged just yet!" Dr. Mann insisted. "Given the nature and the amount of medicated lubricant that was applied to your groin area Phoenix, we should still do some more testing to make sure that everything is in working order…"

"Don't you worry about that," Dee purred, her voice laden with meaning. "That's _my_ job. As much as Phoenixes are known to _rise from the ashes_ I can assure you this… _bird_ … Will definitely be _flying again_ , much sooner than you could think."

"As you wish." Dr. Mann acquiesced, a knowing smile tugging at his lips. "There _is one other thing_ that's been bothering me since you've awoken, Phoenix…"

"Oh?" The spiky-haired man stared at the unfortunately named medic quizzically. "What's that?"

"You look _awfully familiar_. Is it at all possible you and I have crossed paths in the past before?"

A sickening sensation of déjà vu overcame the pianist as he suddenly, and _vividly_ , remembered the _tormenting actuality_ of _why_ the doctor would ask such a question! He _had_ to dissuade Dr. Mann, whom he fervently hoped he'd _never_ see again for the rest of his days, from jogging down memory lane, lest Phoenix _die of embarrassment!_

"Not unless you were one of my clients back in my defense lawyer days!" The former Ace Attorney yanked his beanie back on and purposely lowered his head so his blushing face was hidden from the Indian man's inquisitive gaze as he pulled the ultimate bluff. "I assure you, Dr. Mann, I have _never_ seen you before my life! Besides, if we _had_ met in the past, I'm sure I would've remembered a man with such a _memorable_ name, heh, heh."

"True. I suppose I've mistaken you with somebody else then." The doctor thoughtfully twirled his Zapata moustache. "Over 15 years in the ER and you see so many faces...I guess they all _blur together_ after a while. Take care, Phoenix, Ms. Vasquez. I wish you a good night – or rather, good _morning_ , as it will soon be dawn."

With that he promptly exited, leaving Phoenix and Dee alone.

"I'm going to leave you alone to get dressed, Phoenix." She cut him off just as he opened his mouth to speak. "I'll meet you out front. I'm sure you have a million questions, and I'd be happy to answer them, but this is neither the time nor place."

He nodded dumbly, mind whirling with unanswered queries as he tore off his hospital gown and pulled on his pants – luckily his retrieved wallet from Wendy was back in the pocket now where it belonged – and T-shirt, before rushing out to meet Dee in the emergency room parking lot. The Hispanic beauty was leaning back against a black Mercedes with tinted windows, puffing away at a cigarette within the same long cigarette holder he remembered from back in the day.

"I see your time in prison did nothing to make you _kick butt_ ," he noted wryly as she blew out three rings into a perfect circle.

"Au contraire, I quit smoking cigarettes ages ago," she returned breezily, unlocking the car and motioning for him to get in. "This is a water vape cigarette. My brief time behind bars for my conspiracy cover-up in the Jack Hammer case, along with some time spent with my therapist, has made me come to terms with a lot of things, including no longer needing to use nicotine as a crutch."

"Congratulations, I guess?" He slid into the leather seat. "I'm no stranger to giving up vices. I was an utter and complete wino up until two years ago."

"I've since discovered _other_ more _pleasurable_ _ways_ to release my stress." A meaningful pause. "Perhaps you and I can exchange different _coping methods_ and how to replace one _habit_ with another, less hindering one, hmmm?"

Unsure of how to respond and having no desire to be presumptuous, he merely nodded and lapsed into reticence. The two drove along for a bit longer in silence before Phoenix finally spoke again.

"I guess we can start with you explaining to me how you and I happened to be _engaged_?"

"These doctors are pretty uptight with only letting immediate family in. I had to tell them that you and I were engaged, otherwise they wouldn't have let me see you. Also, I didn't say you were _mi hermano_ , because you look about as _Latino_ as _Brad Pitt!_ Nevertheless _,_ I _will_ admit, you both happen to have the same sexy, squared jawline, even though I've always had a personal preference for _dark-haired foxes_ over golden boys."

Dee cast him an appreciative sidelong, smoky-eyed glance and smirked as he blushed endearingly.

"Also, I didn't think they'd believe your _sister_ would have followed you and my former _predatory_ security employee back to her place when she saw your obviously drunken _culo_ outside of The Borscht Bowl Club being _forcibly shoved_ into The Pink Princess's car! I recognized _you_ immediately, even with the hat on, and I immediately grew weary of why you'd go anywhere with _Hagatha Christi_ e, so I tailed her to the scene of the crime. I saw how you were stumbling into the house with that libidinous harpy! After about ten minutes, when neither of you came back outside, I feared the worst, so I got out of my car and peeked in the living room window! Ugh, I need a few drinks _myself_ to wipe out the traumatic memory of what I stumbled upon…"

* * *

 ** _Flashback earlier that night: Wendy Oldbag's House_**

The geriatric gorgon was about to climb atop Phoenix's supine form when she at last spotted the uninvited guest in the open front doorway.

"Get away from that man this _instant_ , you _vile, disgusting ogress_!"

" _Dee_!" Wendy gasped at the sight of her former employer and clutching her chest, which had unexpectedly began to tighten almost painfully. "What – the _hell_ are _you_ doing here?"

"Saving poor Phoenix Wright, who has already suffered enough since losing his badge, from _a fate worse than death_ , and preventing _you_ from spending the rest of what's _left_ of your miserable life behind bars!" The producer retorted, curling her lip with disdain at the old woman. "You _do_ realize taking advantage of a man when he's in this stage of _inebriated paralysis_ still constitutes as _rape_ , don't you, you _despicable thunder cunt_?"

"Y –You can't rape the _willing_! The wh-whippersnapper _likes_ me! Wendy stuttered pitifully, as she felt her chest further constricting and her breathing now coming in shorter rasps. "He – he called me _pretty_ …"

"The man obviously is wearing _beer googles_ and you damn well _know_ it, you _hard-up, pathetic, degenerate troll_!" Dee snapped, stepping into the room and pointing her cigarette accusingly. "Ugh, even my _therapist_ would agree, Oldbag. _You need help_!"

" _Ngh-ooooooooooh_!"

The last thing the stupefied Wendy remembered was feeling her rapidly thumping heart do a complete turnabout, as she then felt the terrifying, unfamiliar sensation of it abruptly seemed to stop beating entirely. She went down like a sack of potatoes and slumped over on top of the motionless Phoenix as the world went black.

Dee remained in place, a smug leer on her lips at how the old battle-axe seemed to have chosen _that exact moment_ to have keeled over before being able to commit such heinous atrocity against an unsuspecting and no doubt, had he been conscious or sober, _unwilling_ party. The universe would undoubtedly be a better place with this _archaic, shamelessly desperate sexual predator_ no longer on it.

 _Serves you right, dirt bag._

Completely unconcerned about the well-being of the geriatric would-be rapist, Dee stepped into the room and took a closer inspection to the exposed man on the couch, whom she immediately recognized as Will Power's former defense attorney, Phoenix Wright. He was unconscious and unmoving, but a quick check of his pulse indicated _he,_ at least, was thankfully still alive. She tried to jostle him out of his stupor, but he wasn't responding, which greatly alarmed her, and made her wonder if something worse than just alcohol had gotten into his system. _What_ had that evil witch _done_ to him?! She had to act quickly.

With shaking fingers, she reached into her purse and dialed 9-1-1.

"I'm going to need an ambulance ASAP…"

 ** _End Flashback  
_**

* * *

 _Empire Bellagio Condominium_ – April 15, 2026

Phoenix's mouth remained hanging open in horror as the Latina finished her rescue tale, still incapable of speech although his violated, infuriated self was going about a million miles an hour of hateful thoughts towards the wretched _She-Thing_!

 _Wendy Oldbag you're nothing more than a: Dirty, sadistic, shit-eating, cock-sucking, butt-fucking, penis-smelling, crotch-grabbing, ball-licking, cum-guzzling, dog-raping, Nazi-loving, child-touching, cow-humping, perverted, spineless, heartless, mindless, dickless, testicle-choking, urine-gargling, jerk-offing, horse face, sheep-fondling, toilet-kissing, self-centered, feces-puking, dildo-shoving, snot-spitting, crap-gathering, big-nosed, monkey-slapping, bastard-screwing, bean-shitting, fart-knocking, sack-busting, splooge-tasting, bear-blowing, head-swallowing, bitch-snatching, hand-jobbing, donkey-caressing, mucus-spewing, anal-plugging, ho-grabbing, sewer-sipping, whore mongering, piss-swimming, midget-munching, douchebag, ho-biting, carnivorous, mail-order prostitute buying…_ _ **back-assed twaddle fuck**_ _!_

"What a twat-waffle!" Dee scorned, her tone rife with loathing as she added yet another word to his _mental smorgasbord of hate_. "I don't even want to think about what would have become of you if I'd arrived even a _minute_ later! No doubt they would have needed an ambulance for _three_ , as _I_ would have choked to death on the undoubted room-filled stench of ancient, cobwebbed, dusty… _badussy_ , had the shrew gotten to fulfill the dirty deed with you!"

 _"B – Badussy_?" He stammered, still recoiling from the whole ordeal.

"The pungent, fetid odor of the three combined sources: butt, dick, and pussy. Said stench is routinely caused by vigorous sexual activity using all three sources at once. Also, accompanied by a sweaty, humid room atmosphere."

" _Gah_! Why did I even _ask_?!" Phoenix groaned and dragged a hand down his face. "Oh boy, you're not the only one who could use a drink right about now…are there any bars open at nearly 4:00 in the morning?!"

"No way, _José_!" Dee shook her head vehemently. "You're not touching the sauce _ever_ again Mr. Two-Years Sober! With that kind of elevated blood alcohol level, I'm surprised my car didn't explode when I turned the key in the ignition!"

She'd parked in the lot of an upscale condominium on Shagri La Drive and turned the engine off – he'd been too dazed and traumatized by the details of the Oldbag tale to have even noticed they weren't anywhere near his LA residence – not that she'd even _asked_ for his address in the first place! She caught his flummoxed expression and arched a perfectly shaped brow at him while devouring him with her eyes, unabashedly letting him see her unveiled desire for him in the dark depths.

Phoenix Wright definitely wasn't her Prince Charming – more like an alluring Dark Knight, _for_ _the_ _night_. Nonetheless, she didn't care, because she wasn't looking for Mr. Forever. What the hell, while waiting for Mr. Right, a woman's body could dry out and shrivel up from disuse – and she was only in her 40's now – surely she needn't suffer from Wendy Oldbag Syndrome _already_?! At home she had a drawer of sex toys, but this sexy beast would make _a far sexier_ _play-thing_.

He would not be a tame lover. She innately sense that within him, and had felt it when he'd kissed her back in the ER, despite trying to restrain himself. Now, watching those hooded indigo eyes, and the mixture of curiosity and bewildered attraction within them, which he was trying his best to mask, a wildness she'd never experienced before began to throb inside her. It was almost as though that feeling of being bewitched earlier tonight still clung to her.

"What's even more amazing," she murmured throatily, "is that _I_ didn't get drunk off the liquor lingering in that luscious mouth of yours when I _took you by the tongue_ in the cubicle earlier either."

"Yeah, I'd meant to inquire about that admittedly _hot as hell_ , _hungry like a wolf smooch_ you planted on me, Dee." Phoenix scratched the back of his neck with an expression of an adorable confusion. "I get that you were trying to shut me up so I wouldn't blow your whole elaborate fiancée cover story, yet _now_ we're alone, and you're _still_ looking at me like you want me for dessert!"

He sounded genuinely surprised at this revelation, which threw her, as she was used more sophisticated Hollywood types. _How_ could a man with such _panty-dropping bedroom eyes_ and positively _sinful_ _physique_ be so humbly unaware of his own desirability? Dee ran a tongue over her lips, finding Phoenix's lack of guile and genuine cluelessness about his sex appeal positively _toe-tingling._ Primitive desire devoured her to the point she wanted to rip his t-shirt open and ravenously taste the skin beneath, like the yearning to ravage a serving of rich chocolate cake frosted with dark chocolate icing, which had her salivating at the notion.

"Let's just say _sinking my teeth_ into sinfully delectable, yet _low-calorie_ _morsels,_ has replaced my lust for nicotine, and I've got _quite the sweet tooth_ right about now."

Phoenix's cheeks reddened, as her response this time left _zero_ room for interpretation this time.

"Um, just so we're clear, and my memory isn't still hazy from the booze, you _did_ try to kill me and Maya a decade ago with your mobster squad at Global Studios, did you not?"

"Yes, and I feel awful about it. It was a godsend your pal Gumshoe came when he did and saved both your necks," she admitted guiltily. "It's hardly an excuse, but I was a different, darker person back then. My brief time behind bars, and my therapist, have helped me reevaluate a lot of things in my life, and made me realize I'd created a need to make many amends. While I _am_ guilty of the horrible misdeed you just accused me back then, I do hope I've atoned for it, on my path to contrition, by saving you from a _fate worse than death_ , did I not?"

"I guess you did," he admitted. "And I'd sincerely like to thank you for that. I guess since my exposure of the truth commenced your path to absolution, that makes us even now?"

"Not at _all_!" There was a naughty glint in her eye. "In fact, as far as I'm concerned, now it's _your_ turn to _owe_ me – and I'm not talking about _monetary payment_. I want you to repay your debt to me with _nature's credit card_...the kind you never leave home without!"

"So you're essentially asking for a pound of flesh in return for your heroics tonight?" He mocked teasingly. "One good deed deserves another?"

"You can put it that way if you so choose," she answered breezily. "I much prefer: one good turn… _gets all the cover_ s. However, unlike with Oldbag, I know _this_ _time_ , at least, the attraction would be _mutual_ , and 100 _% consensual_ on your end. Because I know _you_ want _me_ just as badly as _I_ want _you_."

Her boldness startled him, but then his customary poker face came back in play, and he smirked.

"How confidently you speak, when all you have to go by is my surprised reaction to your kiss from earlier as your sole evidence to back up such an arrogant, _overoptimistic_ claim," he arched a brow. "What makes you so damn sure _I_ want _you_ , Dee?"

"When we kissed earlier tonight, I felt something." Dee met his gaze steadily. "You _know_ what I'm talking about."

"My instinctive reflex to go along with your ruse?" He drawled, beginning to enjoy this little game of cat and mouse she was obviously playing with him. "I see neither time nor age has diminished your ego in the least!"

"I felt _it_ – _every_ _impressive_ _inch_ of it – _against_ _my knee_ ," she purred. "While I don't _condone_ Oldbag's attempted actions tonight, now that I've had a _firsthand_ _view_ of the coveted goods, I can certainly _understand_ her desire."

She looked him straight in the eye.

"I'm a beautiful woman Phoenix, and I've been able to tell when men have coveted me my entire life. You're no exception. If you dared to put your lips against mine right now, we _both_ know your body, and other parts of you, would react in the exact same way as in the emergency room cubicle, and this time, it _wouldn't_ be due to the so-called element of surprise."

She leaned forward then, so that her lips hovered just inches above his.

"Dare to call my bluff?"

Phoenix hesitated, torn between giving into his rueful desire for the biggest _man-eater_ he'd encountered since Angel Starr, and the ridiculous need to mentally insist to himself if he _were_ to indulge her whim, it'd _only_ be to prove certain parts of him still worked and weren't _scarred for life_! He smiled as a huff of laughter escaped his lips and shook his head, opening his mouth to apologize for his indecision.

"You're taking too long," she said, cutting him off first with her words, and then he felt her lips pressing against his, once again catching him off-guard with her brazenness. She leaned over and grabbed his head in her hands, her lips soft and wet, her tongue hesitating for less than a second before it slid inside his shock-parted lips. She tasted the heady heat of his mouth, and the lingering taste of liquor. She didn't want to think anymore. She only wanted to _feel_.

She reclined his seat back pressed herself down against him, sighing when a strangled sound vibrated in his throat. His muffled moan made her practically quiver. It was deeper than his actual voice, desperate and feral. It made her press her body tighter against him, her breasts smashed against his chest as she hungrily sought out the taste of his desire for her.

He tried to lift himself up, though of course he didn't try hard enough, and before long he was allowing her to sink down on him, pressing every hard inch of his body down with the softness of hers. He tasted her mouth, brought his hands to the sides of her face, and the coolness of his fingers were warmed by the heat of her cheeks. He nibbled on her bottom lip and then suddenly tore his mouth away from hers.

"Fuck," he whispered trying to catch his breath. The feel of her lips and tongue against his neck stole it from him.

"Yeah," she whispered against his jaw, her full lips curving into a seductive smile. " _Fuck_ …that's what I wanna do…"

"Definitely." Without hesitation he once again touched his lips to hers. Softly, gently, he flirted with her mouth, dropping teasing kisses, sucking her flesh, and nipping lightly. He smelled of some ocean-tangy shampoo or aftershave, and his breath was scented with the slight alcohol aftertaste. As he moved his mouth over hers, his scruff brushed her upper lip, sensuous and arousing.

It was all she could do to hold back a moan. They hadn't even parted their lips, and her body was sparking like it was ready to combust. She darted her tongue across his lips, and he opened them in an invitation she eagerly accepted. His mouth was hot, sweet, and intoxicating.

"Yes." As the word sighed out of her, his lips were there, inhaling it and devouring her mouth with a hot, hungry kiss.

She moaned, closed her eyes, and blindly grabbed his head, gripping him as she kissed back.

Dee Vasquez had never been a woman who'd get swept away by a kiss. A part of her had always remained analytical. Aware of mingled breath, teeth knocking. Kisses that were too wet, too bland, or too acrobatic.

But Phoenix's kiss banished thought. It was a total, in-the-moment experience. Passion and bliss, relief and hunger. Sensation that flooded through her body, igniting every pleasure center. She was positively throbbing with anticipation.

She and this ex-attorney, with whom she had a checkered past, were opposites in so many ways. How could it be that their mouths had been designed for each other?

Their hunger met and matched. He was gorgeous young man with the body of a Greek God, but the way he was responding to her, she imagined herself to be a sex goddess in his eyes, and now he made her _feel_ like one – a goddess who drove him equally wild with need.

Their bodies twisted awkwardly toward each other on the reclined passenger seat, craving more. He fumbled with the silky hood covering her hair, pushing it back to freely run his fingers through the dark locks.

A car lights strobed through the Mercedes, making them jerk apart.

"Damn!" He groaned. "We can't do this here."

"My penthouse condo…on top of my glass balcony?" She whispered throatily, staring at him in the light of the nearly-full moon. Oh God, he was handsome, black hair in disarray, gaze intent and burning. "What do you say, Phoenix?"

"Glass balcony, where _anyone_ could happen to see us, huh?" There was a wicked gleam in his eye. "It wouldn't be the first time I'd explored my inner exhibitionist with a semi-public tryst."

"It's still dark. But even if they do see any activity, they wouldn't be able to tell what was going on by _my_ perfected _mask_ expression, because I think it would be _your_ rapture which would give us away." She gave a husky chuckle. "Let's go upstairs and see which one of us has the better poker face, Phoenix Wright."

* * *

 _Dee Vasquez's Living Room –_ April 15, 2026

Normally Dee liked being the one in charge, the dominating party whenever she had a man in her bed. But she and Phoenix had been frantically clawing at each other and exchanging feverish kisses the entire, tantalizingly _slow_ elevator ride up to the 35th floor, and once they'd gotten into her front door, he'd pounced like a ravenous lion, not even allowing her to divest of her shoes or bag.

"At least let me put my purse down!" She reluctantly stepped away from his arms just so she could toss her clutch onto the leather living room couch from the foyer, and was about to remove her shoes when she heard his voice, forceful and commanding.

"Turn around." His deep voice enveloped her, sending shivers down her spine. Scorching heat enshrouded her; shivers undulated through her. Instinctively, she halted mid action and, stilettos still on, slowly turned to face him, too aroused to ask questions.

"Come here, Dee." Their dynamic seemed to have shifted, and now _he_ seemed to be the one calling the shots.

Illumination from the moon streaming in from the terrace provided an intimate, shadowy luminescent glow to the room.

She approached him on shaky legs and then, because she was exactly the right height in her high heels, she took a step toward him until her body was flush against his.

He leaned forward and grazed his lips across hers. He nuzzled and sucked her lower lip between his teeth, scored lightly, drawing her deeper beneath his spell of enchantment.

Phoenix broke the kiss, his chest rising and falling hard as he tried to catch his breath. She stared up at him, already deep in a sexual fog, as he cupped her face gently in his hands and pressed a soft kiss to her mouth.

His hands whispered down her arms and he turned her around slowly with his hands on her waist, her breath stuttering as his fingers reached for the back zip of the dress.

Phoenix slid it down excruciatingly slowly. His lips echoed the path of his fingers as each tug of the zipper revealed more of her heated skin to his perusal. Unzipped, he glided his hands back up her arms to the straps of the dress, and just as slowly, peeled them off her shoulders, followed by her gloves. Done, he tugged the dress down until it pooled at her feet.

"Step out," he whispered hoarsely into her ear.

Pulse racing, she lifted her heels and obeyed, the movement making her realize how embarrassingly turned on she already was.

He turned her back to face him, and his lips trailed over her shoulders and down her arms, his mouth and tongue feasted at the shadowy valley between her breasts, licking and nipping at the exposed inner curve of flesh. Dropping her head back, she moaned and arched, threading her fingers through his silky midnight hair, enchanted by the sensations of his roving, seductive mouth.

He moved upward to feather kisses along the angle of her collarbone to the frantic pulse beating at the hollow of her throat. When his fingertips ghosted down along her ribs, across her stomach, she inhaled sharply as simmering heat flared in her abdomen. Sparks traveled throughout her body.

That was as far as she was going to allow him to lead, because suddenly he found his back against the living room wall and her hands were tearing at his shirt.

She needed more. Oh, God, so much more. Reaching up, she yanked off his t-shirt. The light cotton material beneath her fingers felt cool to the touch, so unlike the heat of his skin revealed beneath. God, he was beautiful. Tanned, smooth skin, stretched over steel tight muscle, the deep bronze and molten gold richness of precious, potent metal.

She drifted her hands over his defined chest, down the six-pack of sculpted abs. Molded perfection, the muscles flexing beneath her roving fingers. Placing both hands flat over his pecs, then tweaking and kneading the taut brown nipples, she raised her gaze upward, marveling at how perfect a specimen of manhood he was, drowning in the joy of touching him.

Suddenly, she reached out and grabbed him by the shoulders, and planted a searing kiss on his lips.

There was no hope for him. He reached out to pull her closer. Her taste drugged him and he felt his arousal mounting.

"Enough foreplay and talk, Phoenix. I want you to give it to me hard, and I don't want to wait another second," she growled into his ear.

Well, damn, who was he to turn down a lady? He reached for her, but she shoved his hands away and her own pressed against his naked chest, her nails digging into his flesh and he hissed at the painful pleasure.

" _This_ is the way it is done, Phoenix." Her hands were at the waistband of his joggers, yanking them down along his boxers in one rapid motion, and then he thought he'd died and gone to heaven as her hand wrapped around him.

He hadn't wanted it to be this way. He had wanted to take his time with her. She was as beautiful as any fine painting hanging on the walls of the museum and she deserved to be worshipped properly. But she was apparently having none of it. And for now he planned to let her have her way.

Swiftly rising to her feet, she shed her panties. Then, without releasing his gaze, she slowly sank to her knees, one thought in her mind.

His fingers were tangled in her hair as he gripped her. She felt his desire rising fast and furious, his energy blending with her own.

He was pure masculine fire, and although he allowed her to do as she wished, as she was right now, she knew at any moment he could try to take control. But she wanted him like none of the others through the ages.

"Dee, you've got to stop!" He groaned, yanking her back up to her feet. "If you don't, I'm going to finish into that sexy mouth of yours, and I don't want that – I want it to be inside you."

Dee gazed at him with half closed eyes, then gave a jerky puppet's nod as she belatedly remembered her balcony challenge. She moved over to the sliding glass doors and beckoned over to him with her finger to join her out there, a coy smile on her lips.

He stepped outside and pulled her into his arms, running his hands over her ass, cupping and squeezing her fullness.

"I'm going to give it to you on this balcony, so hard you'll feel it in your bones." He slowly breathed her in, nudging her with his nose.

 _Sweet heaven, the sexy ex-attorney was a dirty talker._

Dee shivered as Phoenix continued to caress her.

" _Phoenix_." She moaned, arching back into him.

He clasped her by the hips and pressed her back against him. "That's all it takes to make me hard," he told her softly, his lips brushing her ear. "You: saying my name."

Her chest tightened and she didn't know how to reply. Her thirst for him had rendered her speechless.

With an arm around her waist he brought her into his body, the bare skin of her stomach touching his torso, her bare legs brushing his, her chest pressed to his bare skin.

Phoenix's breath huffed against her throat and then his mouth was pressing there, his tongue flicking softly against her skin as he trailed hot kisses down, across her chest.

"Phoenix, please," she begged. Her hand brushed down his chest, smoothing over his hot, hard skin, to cup him in her palm.

His breath faltered and he pulled back, his own hips leaned into her touch as he rubbed himself against her hand. His eyes closed briefly before flashing back open with fire in them. "I can't wait."

She nodded, her belly squeezing with anticipation.

"Neither can I."

That's when his slow, torturous control really snapped. Dee was then spun around, bent over slightly and pushed flat and none-too-gently into the cool glass balcony, so her chest was pressed against it, his front at her back.

Her breath was coming out in frantic puffs now as she gripped onto the edge of the glass. Phoenix's hands came around to cup her chest, forcing her body back into his as his tongue flicked her ear.

"This is what you wanted, so _this_ is how you're going to get it. It's going to be hard, Dee, hard and rough. You ready?"

She nodded, her heart spluttering a little, his rough words sending a bolt of pure lust through her and made a guttural "get on with it" sound and he chuckled in response an instant before he drawing her back against him and doing _exactly_ what he'd said he would. He had to bend his knees, because even in three-inch heels, she wasn't tall enough to accommodate his height. She cried out in ecstasy at their joining, her back bowing, but Phoenix gave her no time for reprieve, his fingers digging into her hips as he took her from behind. His movements hit every delicious spot within her, and before long she was at the edge.

" _Phoenix_!" Dee screamed in euphoria as an orgasm to beat all others exploding through her.

As he had yet to finish, she knew he had to be dying, yet he'd still considered her pleasure first, building her back to the pinnacle methodically. It was time for her to regain control, like she was used to. She smirked. There was nothing better than a lover who held back for as long as possible.

She bent forward slightly, changing the point of friction between their bodies.

He groaned. She rotated her hips, and bent further still.

"Dee, that feels…"

"…amazing."

"Yeah." His breathing became sporadic and quickened.

 _That's better. Lose yourself_. She bent further.

" _Uhn. Uhn_." He was now a mess of primal groans and gasps.

 _Lose yourself, Phoenix_. _Think of nothing but me_. She slowly straightened her back, changing their point of friction again. When she stood completely upright, she slowly bent forward again.

"Jesus!" He shouted. "Oh God, Dee. _Dee_ …"

She rotated her hips to the left again. With a primal growl, he grabbed her hair and pulled her upright. He lunged forward and pressed her body against the balcony, repeating incoherent words into her ear, his groans growing louder and louder as he gave himself over to pleasure, shuddering violently as he let go at last with a deep groan, his mouth on her shoulder.

She felt him shudder violently behind her and regretted that she couldn't see his face. He grasped her hips and held her still until his spasms calmed. His body sagged against hers, crushing her into the cool glass. She allowed him to catch his breath for several minutes

His eyes were closed and he was breathing hard. "That was fantastic."

Her limbs were no longer working. Her body was still throbbing, but tender. He hadn't taken it easy on her. The only thing holding her up was Phoenix.

As if he sensed that, he held her tight. "Are you okay?"

No. she was freaking _awesome_.

"That was amazing," she breathed, falling back against him.

He chuckled knowingly against her.

"Consider that my thanks for proving it still works."

* * *

 **The Next Morning…**

 _Dee Vasquez's Bedroom –_ April 15, 2026

 _The thoughts are accelerating inside my head. I want them to slow so I can breathe but they won't. My breaths come in gasps and I feel like I will black out. My heart is hammering inside my chest like it belongs to a rabbit running for its skin. The room spins and I squat on the floor, trying to make everything slow to something my brain and body can cope with. I feel so sick. What do I do?!_

"9-1-1. Please state the nature of your emergency."

"Oh my God! Help us, _please_!" Phoenix felt the panic begin like a cluster of spark plugs in his abdomen. Tension grew in his face and limbs, his mind replaying the horrific moment from just minutes ago. His breathing became more rapid and more shallow as he clutched the phone to his ear. "There's blood everywhere! I think she's _dead_!"

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!_

 **Joeclone**

I love Nick too much to actually enter that cobweb cavern! He may have fallen into that black hole and never been seen again! I think that's the one cataclysm Phoenix Wright would NOT be able to survive! XD

So his savior was indeed thanked…vigorously! ;)

 **Ilet Moratar**

Miles when he finds out about his BFF's shenanigan's indeed he will be laughing too hard/be too relieved to even lecture Nick this time on being the world's most unfortunate drunken lecher! LOL

You better believe he will not let Phoenix live this down…and he WILL find out….because you know, reasons…. (I know your Edgey fan-girl self didn't seriously think I'd have a story about Nick spiraling down like this without some form of Enter The Edgeworth, Wright?)

 **Yanmegaman**

Dee and Viola…did that doubly make up for the Oldbag trauma? XD

 **allamanda29**

Zavarri! So girls DO read this story! I wasn't planning on making this for guys only boink-fest but until you and mi amiga dulce no chiquitas wanted to admit they read this thing, so thank you darling! XO

Hey Wendy would have been picturing her Edgey-Poo the whole time if she'd been successful; she's still Miles's cross to bear don't worry! But there's only so much I can do to poor Nick – no disappearing into mysterious Bermuda Triangle or actual Man Bun with a side of Creepy German sausage will touch your Hot Hobo Nick I promise! ;)

 **thepudz**

Wendy DOES count as a female…sorta, doesn't she though mate? I mean what's worse, Gavin or Oldbag?! XD

Was there enough of a double dose here to keep you satisfied? ;)

 **SpiritsOfFire**

I love too much to let him get violated by either gender and I will never kill Phoenix Wright, I swear! Remember, Wolverine is unbreakable! :p

 **CzarThwomp**

 _"Good thing she was incapacitated by our mystery stranger, otherwise Phoenix would of probably woken up hogtied in a corner as the old crone video chats with Edgeworth about how she's holding the ex-attorney hostage and will only release him if the prosecutor gives her a night of pleasure- which includes a candlelit dinner, an R-rated romp at his place, and a picture with her for her Christmas card!"_

OK I think I laughed for a near half minute straight there! OMG! *wipes eyes*

Yes Nick, no more booze for you! There is a correlation in this tale of something bad happening to Hobo Beanie Feenie every time he dips into the sauce! That man truly is as lucky/unlucky as they say! But will his luck do a turnabout now? Stay tuned! :)


	21. Special Victim's Unit

**Chapter Twenty-One:** **Special Victims Unit**

 _Dee Vasquez's Bedroom –_ April 15, 2026

From his time as a defense attorney, Phoenix was wholly aware when reporting an incident as gruesome and harrowing as the one he was presently facing, that not only would an ambulance be immediately dispatched, but the _cops_ as well, with the latter more than likely getting there before the former.

Therefore, while he had not anticipated the nightmare of what had happened to his latest lover, at least _this_ time, when the police arrived, he _was_ already dressed and not once more _literally_ caught with his pants down!

His frantic pacing had practically worn a groove in the expensive Persian rug which covered Dee's bedroom floor by the time he heard the thumping on the door.

"Open up! LAPD!"

His heart hammering erratically in his chest, the poker champ flung the door open, and let out a gasp of startled dismay as his saucer-sized eyes fell upon the _all too familiar_ figure standing there.

 _Are you freaking_ _ **shitting**_ _me?!_ Phoenix's jaw dropped to his chest. _Of all the condos of illicit trysts, in all the towns, in all the world,_ _ **he**_ _had to walk into_ _ **this**_ _one?!_

" _Jeepers Creepers_!" Surprise was stamped on Dick Gumshoe's broad face. "Not _you_ again!"

Silence met this statement.

"Hey – at least you calling _nine/eleven_ means you still remember my number! It's always nice to see you again, pal!" The big man affectionately clapped the disconcerted pianist on the back. "I just wish it wasn't under _these_ circumstances! I left you a message few months ago to come have dinner with Maggey and me at our place, but you never replied –"

" _Seriously_?!" Phoenix blurted out before he could stop himself, still too shaken from the earlier events to be Mr. Congeniality. "Are _you_ the only cop in the entire Los Angeles Police Department?!"

"Are _you_ the only guy getting laid in the state of California?" Gumshoe returned, chuckling and lightly punching his old friend in the shoulder with a ham-sized fist. "Who then _happens_ to require police intervention _every_ time he does, because his sex life has hit some sort of _snafu_? What happened _this_ time? You give it to some _lucky_ or rather, _not so lucky,_ lady a bit too hard and _accidentally kill her_? Ha-Ha!"

The kindhearted Detective had been joking around, and was clearly expecting the former lawyer to say something flippant in response, but his jovial expression faded as he saw Phoenix's face had turned ghostly white.

" _Christ on a crutch,_ pal!" The bandaged oaf gaped at the poker champ in horror. "I was _kidding_! Don't tell me I need to haul you to the station for _murder_?!"

"Um, well… about that…" Phoenix scratched the back of his neck and gave his friend a sickly grin. "I'm hoping at the _most_ I'd get charged with was _manslaughter_! I assure you this tribulation was _completely_ _accidental,_ and _technically_ not even _my_ fault…"

"I'd still be exercising my _right to remain silent_ if I were you, pal!" The wild-eyed Gumshoe was already rushing into the apartment, and with a long-suffering sigh, Phoenix led the way to Dee's master bathroom, AKA was the scene of the crime.

" _Jiminy Cricket_!" Gumshoe gasped, seeing the nude figure of Dee Vasquez lying on the cold tiles in a puddle of sanguine fluid. He crouched down next to the producer's still form, careful not to touch anything. " _Why_ is it every time I see you lately, I've got to look at some sort of _naked body_?!"

"Erm…" Phoenix offered weakly, unsure of what to say as he began to sweat drop. "At least _this_ time it wasn't _mine_?"

" _Ngh_! Don't remind me! I'm _still_ trying to get that disturbing image erased from my mind!" Gumshoe shook his head as if attempting to clear it, and stared up at his friend, aghast. "You want to tell me what the heck happened here, pal?"

The detective grimaced and held up a hand.

"Just give me the _condensed_ version, alright? Spare me the gory, X-rated details! Despite the fact that I keep stumbling upon you and your conquests _in their birthday suits_ , I happen to be a _respectable_ , _happily married_ man now!"

* * *

 _ **Flashback: 20 Minutes Earlier**_

 _Dee Vasquez's Bathroom –_ April 15, 2026

Under the steamy waterfall of water cascading down on them, Dee's lips parted as she inhaled deeply and drank in the sight of the dripping wet Phoenix, who occupied the large shower stall with her. Liquid beads dripped down his hair softly, his wet spikes flattened ever so slightly, and the water drops slowly gliding down his wet physique defined every virile, sculpted inch of him.

He lowered his head to kiss her, thrusting his tongue into her mouth and she sucked it deep. He pulled her closer, grinding her pelvis bone against his, wordlessly letting her know what he wanted. Despite preferring to always be the one in charge with her partners, with Phoenix, Dee didn't mind him taking charge with her at times like this. She innately trusted his sexual expertise and inventiveness, which possibly surpassed even her own. His feverish hands roamed over her bare, wet skin, teasing and tantalizing her body until she had to bite down on her lip to keep from crying out at the sensations being stirred within her, driving her passion to a searing blaze she could no longer control.

"You drive me crazy, Dee," Phoenix murmured against her ear, his bare chest pressed against hers as the water cascaded down on them. "God, I can't get enough of you. I want you."

He punctuated his request by plundering her mouth with his tongue. The flood of lust that coursed through her body was punctuated with an inrush of breath. She jerked and tugged her mouth away from his, panting slightly.

" _Now_? _Again_?"

She was astounded by his voracious sexual appetite not even four hours later – post balcony bang, he'd made love to _again_ in her bedroom, this time until the crack of down, and it was barely 10:00 now! It was too soon post an all-night, overnight phantasmagoric boinkfest, after which she'd wanted nothing more except to stay coupled with his body for as long as possible. She still felt as pommeled as tenderized veal, but just seeing that look of flagrant desire in his eyes drew her attention to the hot ache between her thighs. Why did it keep being like this with Phoenix? He made her so ready and needy. Another reason to hate him for the control he continued to have over her…yet she still wanted him so badly, she _ached_.

"Yeah. Hold on tight." He gripped her hips and lifted her feet off the ground, stretching her body out in front of him, settling his hips between her legs.

His arms circled around her, lifting her. She let out a loud gasp as he surged forward and joined them, watching her face intensity as he did so. His mouth descended to claim her lips, pushing his tongue deep inside while his lips seized her mouth.

She broke the kiss and turned her head away as she fought for control, the command she had always know with the lovers she'd claimed. But he was having no part of it. He demanded the right of the aggressor, pressing her against the shower tile, claiming superiority as he began his skilled movements and she felt the sharp pleasure overtake her.

"Ah, _God_ , Phoenix... I'm so close…" Her back arched involuntarily as his fingers dug into her flesh. "Oh. Oh. Oh, _yes_ ," her vocalizations grew louder and needier with each movement. Her excitement and pleasure built and built and built, her head tilted back in ecstasy.

He moved expertly, rolling his hips while his mouth seduced her, sucking her tongue until it triggered a hard rocketing grenade of pleasure, and her entire body convulsed as she went over the edge. He almost dropped her and had to strengthen his hold as she screamed into the dewy mist, shuddering violently as ripples of pleasure spread down her thighs, and up her belly and back. She knew she was chanting his name at the top of her lungs, but couldn't stop.

He was enough of a gentleman to wait for her to regain her bearings. When her body relaxed, Phoenix finally lost himself in the dark grip of passion and his body tensed.

"My turn now."

She caught her breath as he convulsed and let it rip.

Arching his back against the explosive need, he let his own savage lust lead him into oblivion, then squatted and lowered her feet to the ground, only they were too shaky for her to stand up yet.

And that was when disaster happened. Unbeknownst to both of them, while being slammed repeatedly back in against the glass shower wall mid-copulation, Dee's butt cheek had hit the soap holder mounted to it, knocking the slippery bar to the shower stall floor. As she attempted to regain her footing on her as unsteady as cooked spaghetti, worn out legs, her foot slipped against the soap and out from under her before Phoenix could catch her in time. The water-slicked Latina went hurtling downward at an alarming rate, hitting her open mouth against the metal chrome faucet, splitting her lip as she then fell back against the glass shower door. Phoenix tried to catch her, but his fingers slipped against her slickened, soapy flesh, and the orally hemorrhaging woman fell, face first, onto the floor in a thud as an expanding crimson pool formed beneath her head.

The sickening crack of her skull meeting marble tile would haunt him for ages to come.

The wet and naked Dee Vasquez was lying prostrate in a bloody, completely motionless position on the bathroom floor as the horrified and shrieking Phoenix Wright bolted from the shower and into the bedroom to call 9-1-1.

 ** _End Flashback_**

* * *

Gumshoe was still shaking his head in disbelief as Phoenix concluded his tale of woe.

"So you see, it was an _accident_!" The poker shark turned his palms upward in a helpless gesture. "I didn't _do_ anything!"

" _Unbelievable_!" The big man breathed in awe, eyeing his friend warily. "Were you born on Friday the 13th or something? Have you considered carrying a crucifix with you, or a rabbit's foot?! Pal, you have _the_ worst luck I've ever seen, in my entire life! And _this_ is coming from _me_! I'm married to Maggey! A woman who was dubbed _Goddess of Misfortune_! Who, when she was six months old, fell off the ninth floor of an apartment building!"

"I _know_!" Phoenix dragged a hand down his face. "Thanks for the reminder!"

"My own Lady Luckless has gotten sick from all sorts of foods…" Gumshoe began ticking off his wife's former hardships on his fingers. "Failed almost every test she's ever taken, and even lost every game of _tic-tac-toe_ she's ever played, on top of being hit by _various vehicles_ …"

"Gumshoe!" Phoenix cast an agonized expression. "Are you _trying_ to make me want to fall off another burning bridge already?!"

"Oops! Sorry pal!" The Detective scratched his head and smiled apologetically. "Hey! Er, at least _nobody's hit you with a car_! So, uh, maybe your luck can go nowhere but _up_ from here!"

Phoenix eyed him dubiously, then glimpsed back down at the prostrate producer.

"Gosh, I wish Mr. Edgeworth were still in the country and not working on some top-secret Interpol case in Europe," Gumshoe lamented. "He's your best friend. I'm sure _he_ could make sure the prosecution would go easier on you, and ensure you don't get charged with first-degree murder in this case! Jeez, this would be your _third_ time wouldn't it?"

"Yup. Trouble comes in three's!" Phoenix failed to crack a smile. "Let's hope third time's not the charm!"

"It's almost like you and Maya are trying to start a _detention center frequent flyer club_! Last time I checked, _she'd_ been thrice accused of murder as well!"

 _ **Four**_ _if you count that time in Labyrinthia, but let's not go down this painful nostalgic path, shall we?_

"The ties that bind, right?" Phoenix slumped down against the wall and buried his head in his hands. "Maybe if Maya gets wind of my latest charge, for shits and giggles, she'll send me a _burger with a file in it!"_

"You two aren't in touch at all anymore, are you?" Gumshoe asked sadly. "Whatever happened anyway, to make the two of you just lose complete contact after you lost your badge?"

"I guess she didn't want anything to do with the low-life, disgraced forgin' attorney, since Miss Fey is now the prestigious Master of Kurain," Phoenix replied tightly, hoping his curt tone masked the bitter pain which instinctively flared up whenever any mention or memory of Maya flared up. "Although for old time's sake, you'd think I'd have _at least_ gotten just one _lousy, stinking_ phone call after the debacle! Or had just _one_ of my emails or texts answered."

Before Gumshoe could muster some sort of comforting or sympathetic response, a quiet moan was heard from the motionless Latina on the floor.

" _Holy Toledo_!" Gumshoe was so startled by the sound that he fell off his haunches, as he'd been squatted next to the body, and tumbled over backwards onto his butt with a clunk. "Did you hear that, pal?"

" _Dee_!" Phoenix's heart leapt in his chest as a thin ray of hope shined through him. "Oh my God, Gumshoe, she's _alive_! She's not dead! And, and I didn't kill anybody!" He held his breath as the Detective leaned over the unmoving woman, whose eyes remained closed, and smiled with anticipation. "Is she conscious?"

"Nooo...she's still completely knocked out – wait _what_?" Gumshoe made a motion to silence Phoenix before he could utter another word and leaned closer to the fallen producer. " _What_ _the_ _heck_ is she babbling?!"

Phoenix bent forward as well and listened intently, just to make sure that neither his frayed mind nor ears were playing tricks on him.

" _Iron Infant_ …good boy…Ohhhh… _Steel Samurai_ …spear me now…Yeaaaahhhh….stab me, _Evil Magistrate_ …ummmmm _Pink Princess_ …"

"I don't believe this!" The spiky-haired man clapped a hand to his forehead and slumped back against the wall. "The woman is _completely unconscious_ and somehow calling out the names of the Steel Samurai characters?!"

"Er, is it just me, or does some of the context sound almost… _naughty_?" Gumshoe's cheeks were pink. "I mean…it was a _children's_ show!

"Sal _! Vamonos_! _Vamonos_! _Rapido! Rapido! Culo! Culo!"_

"I wish I could somehow _un-hear_ all of that!" The Detective clapped a hand over his eyes. "Also, what I would give to say _yo no comprendo espagnol_! _Ngh_!"

"You and me _both_!" Phoenix muttered disgustedly. "Even _my_ sorry Anglophone _culo_ can understand that _mucho obsceno_ stuff!"

 _Ugh! Sal? As in that disgusting_ _ **soggy**_ _ **hog**_ _of a man whose very_ _ **voice**_ _even sounded…_ _ **moist**_ _?! Ngh_! _Fictional TV characters fetishes are one thing, but_ _ **bestiality**_ _proclivities is where I draw the line!_ _This chick is way too kinky, even for_ _ **me**_ _!_

He shot up to his feet, his concern vanishing and replaced by newfound nausea as he headed to the door.

"I think I heard a knock out front." Relief and amusement disgust coursed through him as he ventured to the living room. "Praise the Lord, the paramedics have arrived at last!"

* * *

 _Hickfield Clinic_ – April 15, 2026

Once Gumshoe had finished snickering at the producer's unconventional ramblings and filed the report clearing Phoenix of any and all suspected unlawful activity, the big man left the condo after emergency services arrived. Prior to departure, however, he made the former defense attorney promise to keep in touch – and _keep his pants on_ for a _long_ time after this! – Before the poker shark joined the still insentient but bizarrely gabbling producer in the back of the ambulance on the way to the emergency room.

Dee was taken in right away, but the pianist still ended up pacing the ER waiting room for what felt like ages before the nurse told him that the doctor wished to have a word with him.

Phoenix could've sworn his eyes were playing tricks on him when he found his thunderstruck eyes resting on the _very same_ , _comically named_ , Punjabi medic who'd attended to him just _earlier that morning_ – Dr. Sukhdeep Mann _himself_!

"Phoenix!" Dr. Mann greeted the visibly dumbfounded former defense attorney warmly, as he finished tending to the unconscious dark-haired woman on the gurney. "Long time no see! It's been _at least_ …" He looked down at his watch and flashed the mortified man a shit-eating grin. " _Six hours_! You've changed so much! I hardly recognized you!"

 _Is there anything worse than a_ _ **doctor**_ _with a_ _ **sick**_ _sense of humor?_

Phoenix groaned inwardly and wished he could disappear into the ground beneath him. If the same accursed luck would allow him to once again lay eyes upon the very physician he'd prayed to never to see again (because… _reasons_!) only earlier _that very morning_ , it _also_ meant there was a very high chance Dr. Mann would _surely_ remember why the former Ace Attorney had _looked so familiar_ to him in the first place!

"Heh, heh. Nice to see you again, doc." He smiled faintly. "At least this time _I'm_ not the patient."

"Try to _curb your enthusiasm_ about our reunion, Phoenix!" Dr. Mann's mischievous grin only widened at his visible discomfort. "I do understand doctors are the equivalent of _car mechanics_ and _dentists_! We're hopefully pleasant enough to associate with, but you nevertheless aspire not to see them too often, because means something is obviously very wrong with the functioning of a commodity that's very relevant to you – your car, or your dental health."

The card shark cast an anxious glance at Dee, whose face was incredibly pale, although the blood on it had since been wiped off.

"Um, speaking of, how is she? Is she going to be alright?"

"She miraculously only suffered a minor concussion from hitting her head on the bathroom tile," Dr. Mann assured him. "However, she split her lip very badly when she hit it against the metal faucet, and it did require stitches."

" _Yikes_!" Phoenix winced sympathetically as he looked down at his paramour du jour. "Is that why there was so much blood? Just from a cut to the lip?"

"No, there was blood everywhere and loose nerves hanging out due to the force of the impact knocking out her two front teeth and loosening others in the process." Dr. Mann didn't even flinch as he recounted the gory details. "On the topic of _dentists_ , Ms. Vasquez is going to need to see one to replace the choppers she lost today."

"Ouch!" Phoenix was flat out cringing now. "That's absolutely terrible! I had no idea the shower faucet could do that much damage!"

"A _shower_ faucet was it?" Dr. Mann smirked slightly. "Would it be presumptuous to assume that your impromptu return to the emergency ward today, albeit not as a patient this time, was because you lovebirds were a bit too _vigorous_ in proving certain parts of your anatomy were still _functioning_?"

"Gah!"

Phoenix felt his cheeks flaming as he yanked his beanie over his eyes to mask his shame, all the while desperately trying to find _some_ other way to claim his alleged fiancé had managed to knock out her molars with such _gusto_. Unfortunately, he could think of _none whatsoever_. Not that it mattered. The knowing grin on Dr. Mann's face was bad enough already.

 _I can_ _ **hear**_ _God laughing at me…_

"Aha!" The doctor's face lit up as he pointed at the furiously blushing black-haired man as his eyes lit up. "Just now – when you did that motion with your hat! It _jogged_ my memory!"

 _Sweet Jesus,_ _ **no**_ _!_ Phoenix regarded him with a growing feeling of dread. _**Please**_ _don't let him remember!_

"As you said earlier, Dr. Mann…" He mumbled, beginning to inch his way backwards out of the cubicle in what he hoped was a discreet manner. "You've seen so many patients over your long career in ER that all faces seemed to _blend_ together after a while, right? You're probably just mistaking me for somebody else…"

"The _irony_ of you trying to hide your face with that beanie, yet said motion was what triggered my recollection, is not lost on me," the doctor said wryly, folding his arms over his chest. "Prior to tonight I am now positive I treated you patient for an unrelated situation! This was _presumably_ prior to your betrothal with Ms. Vasquez though. I still remember the girl that came in with you. Another lovely dark-haired brunette. You certainly do have a _type_ don't you?"

"The bane of my entire existence…AKA my whole _life_ is just… one, gigantic _irony_." Phoenix attempted to laugh, even though he was already drowning in waves of mortification. "You don't know the _half_ of it!"

"No, I most certainly _don't_!" The doctor's eyes were dancing with mirth. "I _do_ however, remember the _exact_ occasion which brought you into the emergency room three years ago! Also, if I'm not mistaken, while nowhere near the BAC of tonight, you were pretty liquored up back then too…"

* * *

 _ **Flashback  
**_ _Viola Cadaverini's House_ – Aug 7, 2023

"Hope you like what you see." Viola flashed a sultry smile as she emerged from the bathroom adjoined to her bedroom, a vision in nothing but a red strapless corset and matching lacy panties. "All this liquor has me craving something beyond the _traditional_ sense!"

She leaned forward on the bed and winked at Phoenix over her shoulder.

"I'm toeier than a Roman sandal…and I want to smash your back out, but before you stick it in me jut, first, I want you to go ahead and _chuck it in me dumpa!"_

Phoenix, who'd stripped down to nothing but his skivvies in eager anticipation for her return, froze in place. His wine-buzzed mind took several moments to compute the massive overflow of Australian lingo he'd just heard from the Mafia Princess who'd picked him up at The Borscht Bowl Club that night. Voila had managed to maintain her sexy accent from Down Under, where she'd spent four immediately after the _Trés Bien_ fiasco.

 _Am I totally blitzed, or did she just say what I_ _ **thought**_ _she did?! Is this another Tiffany Pearce repeat, where she's in "presenting" position, and I go to_ _ **do as directed**_ _, but then she starts screaming biblical obscenities at me? Do I even_ _ **want**_ _to venture down that path again? I mean, sure, there's a first time for everything, but do I even wanna go to fifth base with the nefarious Bruno Cadaverini's granddaughter? The same mobster who orchestrated some of his men to start a prison fight so they could break that moron Furio's kneecaps after Viola's head injury became public knowledge?! Catch a tiger by the toe indubitably! But_ _ **ow**_ _! Would it even be worth risking the wrath of_ _ **either**_ _Cadaverini if I go for it – then deemed lackluster somehow?!_

Viola noticed his hesitation, straightened up, and sidled back up to him.

"Couldn't be bothered? I reckon, since you've not been quick to crack a fat and give it a burl, it's because you've never tried _backstage pass_ before? No worries, allow me to show you how good this formerly untrodden path can be! But _first_ …." She wrapped her arms around his neck and tilted her head up. "Give me those lips."

There was no pause, no decision to be made, no slow approach as Phoenix moved in, his mouth consuming hers. He tasted like wine…and something sweeter, darker. His tongue swept out against her lips and she let him in, begged him in. He filled her mouth, stroking the most sensitive spots and retreating only to return. She couldn't hold back the moan that escaped as his mouth slanted over hers again. She arched into him, bringing her breasts in contact with his chest, and he made a sound like a growl. It was a heady feeling, that power, and Viola knew she would do whatever she needed to hear it again.

His fingers sank into her waist and he lowered his head, his dark eyes intense as he sealed his mouth over hers and stole her breath in a scorching kiss. Her lips parted and their tongues met, tangled, thrust together, deep and wet, as he took control.

Her hands glided along the sides of his neck and into his thick mane. She pulled him closer and strained upward. He started off slow and searching, because he needed to keep himself in check now more than ever. Her mouth was sweet, and his velvet tongue came out to touch hers, tasting, testing, tentative…and exploring the feel and texture as she did the same. Despite his desire to savor the experience, Viola's fingers tightened almost painfully in his hair. Her nails scratched his scalp as she tried to get closer. Relinquishing his already limited restraint, he snaked an arm around her waist and deepened the kiss.

Her free hand moved to the soft, spikes on the back of his head, while her other hand slowly worked its way downward.

"You're so damn hot!" His breathing was uneven as he tore his mouth from hers. "You're driving me crazy!"

"Kiss me," she commanded, her dark gaze intense.

Phoenix's arm tightened around Viola's waist as her hand slipped between their bodies and wrapped it around him. He jerked, his breath catching in his throat.

 _Poor guy's about to explode…._

Despite wanting to accomplish this and to taste him, she knew getting him there was half the fun. It felt like ages since she'd paid a man lip service. And she'd pined for _this_ particular man, from the moment she'd set eyes on him at the bar.

He sucked in a deep breath as she freed him from his boxers with her hands, and then her delicious hot, wet, mouth clamped firmly around where he'd wanted it to be from the minute he'd walked into her home, utilizing a catalogue of divine expertise.

Phoenix threaded his fingers through her hair, his head falling back, his beanie tumbling to the floor as he groaned in that primeval way that let her know he was seeing stars. He felt her erudite hands cupping and squeezing his buns and began some delightful handiwork.

"Do you like that?" Viola murmured. Before he could respond, she did it again. Phoenix could only thrash back and forth, fighting the need to admit how much he enjoyed the sensation.

 _Hot Damn!_ Phoenix cried out at the immense pleasure that began to build inside him, and started moving his hips with more force. _She really knows what she's doing back there! This is a first! Not that I'm complaining!_

He groaned above her, a low rich sound of pleasure, and tightened his hold on her hair, closing his eyes to focus on the rhythm of her ministrations. He gritted his teeth and held on.

A glance into his eyes showed his strength was breaking. She increased the speed of her movements, and that was when he went over the edge at last.

Phoenix gave a deep growl and leaned back against the dresser to stare down at her. Sweat dripped down from his hairline, his cheeks were flushed and the fullness sensation in his orifice was still lingering.

"Good onya _,_ hey?" Viola grinned cheekily and slapped his ass.

"Oh _hell_ yeah!"

As he came back to earth, he frowned as he realized Viola was gripping his thighs now as she smirked at him with a knowledge of a job well done. Which, of course, it had been! Very much so – an intense sensory overload had indeed occurred.

Except for one _teensy, weensy little thing_ …

"Viola…if _both_ your hands are on me right now, _why_ do I feel like there's somethin _still_ inside my…um… _back door_?"

"Oh!" The brunette flushed and flashed what could only be described as an embarrassed grin. "I thought I'd play around a bit. You know, show you what a hedonistic experience it could be back there. I reckoned if I could prove to you how much _you_ liked it, you'd see how much _I_ surely would, yeah?"

"Um, yes…it was quite nice…except right now I feel like I'm living out the reoccurring nightmare I've had about my proctologist. The one where I can feel both his hands are on my shoulders….yet I remain with the lingering sensation of feeling rather, er, _occupied_." Phoenix began to sweat drop nervously. "Since I can see all ten of _your_ lovely fingers are visibly on my legs, er, I have to ask: Did you _lose a ring_ or something?!"

"Or _something_ …" She sheepishly reached over and showed him a small velvet lined box from atop her night table. "These are Sir's Large _Inamorata_ Balls. They're _brand new,_ of course –"

"Well thank Christ for _that_!" A sinking suspicion filled his stomach. " _Large_?! _**Inna my**_ _what_ _now_?!"

"I only used _one_!" She retorted defensively. "They're completely safe and made of ABS plastic –"

Snatching the package out from her hands, Phoenix felt the blood visibly drain from his face.

"What the shit, Viola?! Did you _not_ read the box?! These balls were made to go into a _woman's_ much _shallower_ … And _traditional_ …. _orifice_!"

"Well I've _come a gutser_ then, yeah?" She blushed a deep red. "It said _Sir_ and large balls, so I naturally assumed they were for _masculine_ pleasure!"

 _Lord have mercy!_ Phoenix felt his buttocks clench with discomposure as he face palmed. _I sure know how to pick em! As uncharitable as it is to think, Viola is freakin' lucky she's cute…and stands to inherit a fortune when Bruno kicks the bucket…because she's up there with_ _ **lemmings**_ _in both brains and survival odds otherwise!_

"Well, now that I've given you a good gobby, _I'm_ feeling mighty randy now!" Viola walked over to the bottle of vodka on her dresser, took a long swig, and slapped her ass. "Are _you_ as in the mood to cop a root as _I_ am?"

"Are you _shitting_ me?!" Phoenix goggled at her in disbelief. " _Nothing_ is going _**into**_ _anything_ else until we get these balls of hell _out_ of me!"

" _Ball_ , not balls! It only just the _one_ , mate! No need to sound as cross as frog in a sock!" Viola was sulky now. "I thought you'd _enjoy_ it, rather than be _whinging_ about it! The ball had further reach than bloody _finger_! It's supposed to give the prostate a nice _massage feel_ in the male G-spot!"

"The only thing it's doing it making me _feel_ like I need to _scream_ and then go _pee_!" He snapped, his cheeks flushing with anger and agitation as he leaned over the bed, bracing himself on his palms. "Now get this damn thing out of me!"

"No need to spit the dummy! She'll be right!"

 _Easy for_ _ **her**_ _to say!_ _ **I'm**_ _the one with a foreign object jammed up where the sun don't shine!_ Phoenix grumbled to himself as Viola proceeded to "go fish." _And I wish she'd speak_ _ **American**_ _dammit! As panic replaces my formerly wine-buzzed state, that accent is no longer as sexy as I thought! In fact, I'm starting to feel a serious language barrier here, even though we're both supposedly speaking English!_

After several torturous moments, Viola let out a frustrated cry.

"Fair suck of the sav! It's gone walkabout!"

"Er, translation please?!" He hollered, the dread mounting within him. "What the _hell_ does _that_ mean?!"

"You're going to be as mad as a cut snake when I tell you…"

* * *

 _ **One Hour Later**_

 _Hickfield Clinic_ – August 7, 2023

"What do you mean your stupid ball is lodged so high in my rectum, that neither _you_ , and nor any of these _godforsaken quacks_ can get it out?!" Phoenix hollered at Viola, who flushed guiltily as she delivered the bad news the doctor had just told her. "Don't these guys have specialized medical _speculums_ or _retractors_ or anything?!"

"No need to go troppo on the _messenger_ , mate!" Viola protested lamely, her cheeks turning pinker by the second. "They can tell from the X-rays it's wedged too high up there for any of their equipment to actually reach! Dr. Mann is paging a surgeon as we speak…"

"A _surgeon_?!" Phoenix squawked. He pushed himself up off the gurney, where he'd been lying face down for the past half hour, bare ass feeling the drafty breeze around him in his flapping nightgown, and glared daggers at her. "Are you telling me they're going to need to _cut me open_ because _you_ felt like shoving a random foreign object into my down under without even first _consulting_ me?!"

"Well what would you prefer as an alternative?" Viola cried. "You can't spend the rest of your life refusing to sit down! Crikey! It was bad enough listening to you whinge the whole car ride over here about how uncomfortable you were!"

" _Jesus take the wheel_ , I'm going to need to be _operated_ on!"

Phoenix was so horrorstruck and flustered by the news, he felt his mouth going dry and his throat closing up, slowly choking him from within.

"They're actually going to need _to put me out_ …and with any surgery and anesthesia, there's always the _risk of death_! Meanwhile, I have a little girl blissfully away at magic camp, who has no idea Daddy's life may be in peril…"

He began hyperventilating.

"This – this can't be happening to me! I'm not even 30 years old yet!"

He started coughing and spluttering violently then, and Viola's brown eyes widened in alarm. She quickly turned to pour him a glass of ice water from the nearby trolley.

"Relax, mate!" She urged, handing the glass to the now hacking pianist and thumping him on the back. "Your mouth's like the bottom of a cocky's cage from all that _wine_ and not enough _water_! Drink up now! Just _skull it_!"

Phoenix waved his arms to push the glass away and continued to hack away.

 _I don't need no_ _ **stinking water**_ _! What I_ _ **need**_ _this_ _ **object to be dislodged from my sphincter**_ _, ASAP! I also need to start_ _ **rethinking my taste in women**_ _, as well as give second thoughts to my ever-present wino habit! My wine penchant is what constantly lowers my inhibitions, and is what got me into_ _ **this**_ _particular mess in the first place!_

"Mr. Wright!" Dr. Mann returned to the cubicle at that moment. "Good news! The surgeon is on his way and you'll be _sitting pretty_ in no time… Oh dear that's a nasty sounding cough you seemed to have suddenly developed…"

" _Oooaughoaua!"_

In the next instant, in a scene which could only be compared to a Looney Tunes cartoon, the ill-fated Phoenix Wright, who at this point, was hacking like a cat with a fur ball, gave one final wheezing cough. This time, it was expelled with so much force, the buried ball came catapulting out of his anal cavity at that exact moment, and with enough velocity to ping around the room and hit the completely astonished Dr. Sukhdeep Mann – _right in the forehead_!

" _Good_ news mate!" Viola cheered, giving Phoenix's arm a reassuring squeeze and forcing the straw to his lips so he had no choice but to take a long swallow water, subsiding his coughing at last. "You don't need to have surgery after all! That sucker just came flying right out of there at warp ten speed!"

She wrinkled her nose.

"The _bad_ news was I'm guessing the bloody thing did _not_ smell _daisy fresh_ when it came out, and beaned the poor doc right in the kisser, yeah? I mean, that was absolutely _revolting_!"

" _Gah_!" Phoenix glanced back over his shoulder at the still gobsmacked Dr. Mann, who remained frozen in place, then groaned and yanked his beanie down over his eyes, too humiliated to even be relieved. "Someone, _anyone_ ….just _kill me now_ …"

 _ **End Flashback**_

* * *

"I _knew_ it was _you_!" Dr. Mann crowed, snapping his fingers and smiling triumphantly. "I should have known it before! After all, it's not as if _Phoenix_ is that common of a name!"

"Dr. Mann," Phoenix croaked, his gaze imploring. "At this point my life I've bid farewell to any and all dignity I have ever had, but I beg of you...for the love of God, _please_ don't bring that _balls_ – er, _**ball**_ – _flying at your face_ episode up _ever again_! Never before in my whole life have I _ever_ wanted to _cut my own wrists, slice my own throat, and bury myself alive_ than I did at _that_ precise moment! Much like I wish I could do _now!_ However, yet _again,_ there's nobody kind enough _to put me out of misery_ and to do it _for_ me! I'd do it myself, but as is tradition, with _my craptastic luck_ , I'm in a _freakin' hospital_ , with _life resuscitating equipment_!"

There was a drawn-out pause after his outburst. Phoenix's breath was ragged afterward, even as his beseeching eyes remained on Dr. Mann, waiting for him to speak.

"You are my _second_ most memorable patient in this regard," the Punjab mused thoughtfully, as though Phoenix hadn't just pathetically pleaded for sudden and immediate _death_! "There was _another, equally_ _unforgettable_ young man, who I saw four years prior to meeting you. It was the beginning of 2019. And even though I only met him _once_ , and he was no a _three-time Special Victims Unit_ champion like _you_ are –"

" _Objection_!" Phoenix injected sullenly. "I've been your actual _patient_ only _twice_! This _third_ unplanned visit is merely due to being _guilty by association_!"

"Spoken like the true lawyer you once were!" Dr. Mann laughed. "Just like you, this particular patient forever heralds in my memories due to the active tomfoolery which landed him in the emergency ward. While _you_ are hopeless victim of admittedly _comical_ circumstance, _this_ 17-year-old boy, a teenage prosecutor actually – he had the most _strange_ and _ironic_ name! _Detest_? No, _DeBeste_ , I believe! Anyhow, he ended up with 60% of his right hand being covered in scar tissue, all with nothing more than _his own buffoonery_ to blame!"

Intrigued, despite his embarrassment, Phoenix's head jerked up sharply upon hearing the surname, which he'd heard about from his prosecutor best friend. _DeBeste_? As in _Sebastian_? As in _the idiot son_ of that nefarious Head of the Prosecutorial Investigation Committee, _Blaise_ _Debeste_ , whom Edgeworth helped take down and bring to justice?

"I was afraid he'd lose some mobility in his hand," Dr. Mann continued. "I suppose if he'd managed to hurt himself while saving orphans from a burning ice cream shop or something equally heroic, it wouldn't stand out in my mind so much. Unfortunately, it was from an undeniably stupid attempt at ridiculously _weird science_. Apparently, he'd heard that Splenda, the artificial sweetener, would burn with a purple flame when ignited. He soon discovered that Splenda on its _own_ did not seem to be particularly combustible... so he mixed it with a generous amount of rubbing alcohol, dumped the resulting mess onto a ceramic plate, and set the whole thing ablaze. All of this, incidentally, took place atop a _wooden_ desk in a _carpeted_ room."

Phoenix gawked at this story of absolute _ludicrousness_ , which was _so bizarre_ , he _knew_ it _had to be true_! He nodded eagerly at the doctor to continue.

"As could probably be expected, things got out of control pretty fast. Sebastian soon realized he couldn't extinguish the flames via conventional means, like _blowing on it really hard_. Furthermore, he didn't have anything with which he could _smother the conflagration_... so he decided his only option was to _carefully_ pick up the plate and carry it to the kitchen sink."

Dr. Mann's lips twitched at the memory.

"In spite of his slow, measured steps, he _still_ managed to stumble, splashing the back of his hand with liquid fire in the process, while attempting to make it to the sink and not set his entire room on fire! He was in tears when he came into the ER, so I imagine _it hurt like hell_. True story."

" _Wow_." Phoenix shook his head. "The truth really _is_ stranger than fiction! What's even worse is _this_ teenage boy is going to be part of the next generation of attorneys running our courts!"

"The young prosecutor _still_ wears white gloves to this day to mask the scar tissue on his hand." Dr. Mann added. "Worst of all, he told me he didn't even notice if the flames were purple or not!"

Phoenix clapped a hand over his mouth to keep from laughing out loud and rustling Dee, and only barely just succeeded.

" _How_ do you remember these things, Sukhdeep?" He asked in awe, at last deciding that at _this_ _point_ , he and the doctor were most _definitely on a first name basis_! "Of the _hundreds_ , if not _thousands_ of patients you've seen over the years, and considering how long ago mine and DeBeste's cases were, _how_ can you possibly remember _ours_ out of the lot?"

"There are some things in life one simply _cannot forget,_ Phoenix," Dr. Mann replied smugly. "Getting _hit in the face_ with an _airborne spherical sex object_ which _shot out of a patient's anus_ _like a cannonball_ most _definitely_ joins the ranks of _unforgettable_."

He chuckled as Phoenix moaned softly in humiliation at the reminder.

"In the case of this young lawyer, I suppose his ill-starred circumstances, naturally, helped in making him be memorable to me, along his family name being _DeBeste._ After all, it's a prime example of irony itself, since he was _the worst_ at demonstrating any logic or common sense outside the courtroom!" The Indian derided. "Life's ironies comes in many forms Phoenix. Sometimes in dramatic events, sometimes in names…regardless, we must learn to laugh at these things, otherwise we end up crying instead. My own parents would know this firsthand, considering the name they gave my sister."

"That's right, you mentioned she was given a more common, westernized name than you were," Phoenix recalled, tapping his chin with his finger. "What _did_ they name her?"

"My unwed sister still bears the family surname, and her first name is Anita."

" _Anita Mann_?" Phoenix repeated thoughtfully. "I can see how that might sound _kind of funny_ and makes her sound a bit like a _desperate man eater_ of sorts since she's still not married? So was that the reason for the _irony_ of her name?"

"Not at all!" Dr. Mann chortled. "The _irony_ is that my sister is named _Anita Mann,_ the gym teacher, is a bra burning feminist and activist for women's rights. Gloria Steinem is her idol, and her favorite quote is: _a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle_."

He caught Phoenix's bewildered look and snorted.

"Anita is also what my conservative Hindu parents call… _The Gay_."

Phoenix blinked.

"You mean…?"

"My _westernized_ _named_ sister, _Anita Mann_ is one of those man-hating… how do you say... _Militant lesbians_ ," Dr. Mann affirmed, his eyes twinkling. "Whereas their _son_ , with the more _ethnic_ , yet _hilariously provocative, gay porn star name_ , is _completely_ _heterosexual_ , and married with children."

"I – I am speechless," the pianist admitted, now openly snickering. "I mean, what I can possibly say to this, except: _what's in a name_? Apparently… the makings for some interesting dinner conversation and back story with the Mann clan?"

" _Abso-freaking-lutely!"_ Sukhdeep Mann winked. "So you see Phoenix Wright, _you_ are not the _sole_ person in the world whose had not only had to _laugh_ _through the pain_ …but who is _intimately familiar_ with the concept of _irony_!"

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!_

 **Chapter 20**

 **Yanmegaman**

No more harridan harrowing nightmares I _promise_! Although I couldn't think of a better source of that golden insult (thanks for that btw pal!) than Nick's would-be rapist!

Drugs, smokes, booze…Dee's gonna need the _hard stuff_ – albeit not in _that_ way for some time though! – after this turnabout sexcapade gone wrong! I think Nick may been too traumatized now to whip it out for at _least_ another few _months_ …the ladies of the Ace Attorney world all share a collective moan…of disappointment!

 **Ilet Moratar**

It's funny how Gumshoe wanted to spare his Maggey the eyeball rape of seeing Nick in the buff…although as you're always free to look but not touch…would she really have had any _objections_?!

Ah Miles, if only you knew Franny had already not only seen but willingly subjected herself to what he tries to protect her eyes from…

Poor Uncle Ray! After a sight like that, he's going to be needing the hug, not the one giving them! LOL

Kay even if she is of legal age now I will agree – she is too pure to see such animal behavior! She needs to save herself for bowl cut crybaby Sebastien DeBeste…ugh I can't believe FF writers don't think that little hottie can do better… :p

 **CzarThwomp**

Delighted to help relieve the stress of one of my favorite comedic writers and reviewers on this site!

 _Phoenix pleasured Vasquez to death!? Just how strong are his DILF powers?!_

Damn that sexy AF DILF and his insatiable appetite which pretty much nearly did kill the poor woman! Let's cut Feenie some slack though, shall we the last person he had _bow chicka wow wow_ with was _Lotta Hart_ and that was over a year ago! :p

The idea of Kristoph confessing to all his sins just so he could finally get a crack at Phoenix's… _crack_ is both twisted and hilarious! XD

Funny how you mentioned certain prosecutors and detectives… They will be turning up sooner than you might expect…

 **thepudz**

I try really hard not to _kill_ characters… just maim and torture and make Phoenix think he's gonna _die_ _of embarrassment_! XD

I know Dee was probably unexpected – as was the return of _Suck Deep Man_ – and I _really_ wanted to have some shower but I couldn't think of a female character in the Ace Attorney universe who people were not so attached to suffer such painful indignity… The only other contender was April May, whom I've decided to contaminate in an even _worse_ way…heh, heh…

 **Joeclone**

Always expect the unexpected with me! Hehe! But while this is a darker comedy, it's never been intended to be AA _snuff_ just comedic _smut_! XD

I don't like killing off characters in my stories, as you now see. Just messing with them…and at times having them wish they could die from the mortification! :p

 **Forgreatcoffee**

While I cannot take credit for the world's longest insult I did take the liberty with yout favorite one, "cum guzzling" LOL

While this story is very different from the others I have written, we cannot fail to acknowledge the fact that Phoenix is unbreakable, including when he drinks enough alcohol to have killed most mortal men! There is no other explanation as to how he would still be alive although surely if Oldbag had been successful he would've ended his own life! I'm sure he still wanted to do so just after having Dr. Mann repeatedly reminding him that Oldbag had female nether region parts! XD


	22. Wright Under The Skye

_A/N: I'm back! Taking a mini break from TE to see if I can get this baby wrapped up in the next few weeks, but I want to do at least another 1-2 more chapters before I go back to Turnabout Everlasting. This story is rounding the bend, I'd say no more than 5-6 chapters left so they may be a bit longer henceforth – but can one ever OD on a naughty comedy? ;)_

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty-Two:** **Wright Under The Skye**

 _Wright_ _Talent Agency_ – April 20, 2026

The thoroughly drained Phoenix collapsed onto the small couch on the lower level of the agency with a long-suffering groan.

 _Thank God, it's all over now. Today was hopefully the_ _ **final**_ _bogus murder rap I'll ever need to beat…_ _ **Third**_ _time's the charm, right? All I can say is revenge is a dish best served cold. Now I no longer need to worry about anything beyond the indignity of playing fake pianist in Boris' little slice of Siberia for peanuts! After today, there's at least some consolation in knowing I never again need to withstand any more harrowing visits resulting in not so-latent, homoerotic encounters from that_ _ **deviant, depraved Arschloch**_ _– which drive me to attempt to drink myself blind! –_ _ **Ever again!**_

The dispirited poker champ's overwhelmed mind was swarming with thoughts of his diabolical German adversary finally being served what had been _a long time coming to him._ Despite having dodged the gallows for Zak Gramarye's – no, _Shadi Smith's_ murder – it was hard to feel any sort of true celebratory joy.

Unlike when he'd lost his badge, being _not_ being found guilty of allegations he was innocent of now seemed naught but a hollow victory. This was possibly because his brain refused to cease replaying the frightening scene of the mini breakdown on the witness stand when Apollo Justice had finally proven the fiendish blond man's guilt.

 _Kristoph Gavin._

The ominous defense lawyer, with his glacial eyes and disingenuous offers of _friendship_ was the same dark penumbra who'd tormented Phoenix's very existence these past seven years. Moreover, Kristoph's very presence had forever filled the former Ace Attorney with an eerie sense of inexplicable unease every time they'd met up. He was now positive, beyond a shadow of a doubt _, (_ but without a shred of _evidence_ or an inkling of _motive_ ), that _The Coolest Defense in the West_ was also the very party who was responsible for getting him disbarred.

Regardless of having proof or not, Phoenix hadn't despised another human being this much since that _other_ duplicitous sonofabitch, Matt Engarde. He was unaccustomed to feeling any sort of bitterness or hatred towards anyone, but this time, it couldn't be helped.

 _I was raised in love and peace, taught to show grace and forgive, but when my mind turns to you, Kristoph, none of it is there. You knew what you were doing. I've suffered all this time, and you drank it like a fine wine, becoming intoxicated on your own power. All I feel is bitterness and with each passing year it grows like a tumor, pushing on the side of me that was serene, enveloping me in toxic darkness. I'm not saying I_ _ **wouldn't**_ _spit if your eyebrows were on fire… I'm merely_ _ **not**_ _claiming that I wouldn't whip out the marshmallows!_

At least there was some solace in knowing the feeling was evidently _mutual_. Kristoph obviously hated Phoenix, as well. After all, one didn't usually try to frame someone whom they _adored_ for murder!

That loathing factor notwithstanding, based on the German's _up close and personal_ visit at The Borscht Bowl five days ago (which had resulted in the pianist experiencing a near _fate worse than death_ with Wendy Oldbag, brief, albeit _sublime ecstasy_ with Dee Vasquez, and then excruciating humiliation due to the _elephant memory laden_ Suhkdeep Mann) it was obvious the twisted serpentine _Scheißkerl_ wouldn't have been opposed to screwing Phoenix in not just the _figurative_ but _literal_ sense!

 _The worst part is, I don't even think the creepy German sausage is even_ _ **gay**_ _! No more than his prosecutor sibling!_ _**Klavier**_ – _Gah!_ _First my mortifying make out mishap with the pretty boy rocker, and_ _ **then**_ _I'm apparently the fantasy man candy of his elder brother?! I can't help but ruminate that Kristoph's debauched concupiscent fantasies of_ _ **hate-fucking me into oblivion**_ _involve something majorly warped!_

He sagged back against the cushions and clenched his eyes shut.

 _The German's daydreams are probably along the lines of_ _ **him**_ _lounging on a throne in his penthouse, like Jabba the Hutt, with_ _ **me**_ _chained up at his side, wearing Princess Leia's golden bikini…Argh! Christ on a jet ski!_ _ **Why**_ _did I just allow my masochistic mind to go to The Dark Side?!_ _The worst part is I can't even obliterate this disturbia image from my mind with wine anymore! It's just as well I suppose – wasn't booze what got me into most of these messes?!_

The card shark dragged a hand down his mug and grunted inaudibly, yet unable to stop his reflections about the sinister, spectacled lawyer.

 _What is the deal with Klavier and Kristoph?! If they had their way, I'd be making it through their entire Eurotrash family tree! The latter Gavin is decidedly worse though – at least the prosecutor isn't a_ _ **homicidal maniac**_ _! I suppose I should be grateful the Periwinkle Pisshead didn't ask me to play_ _ **"Jizz in My Pants!"**_ _Ugh!_ _To quote Cleveland Brown. "Oh, that's naaaaasty!"_ _Yet that's_ _ **exactly**_ _what transpired that night he asked me to play_ _ **"Pour Some Sugar on Me"**_ _which now has a whole new meaning…Gah! I have no idea why I just chose to do that to myself! Now I need_ _ **brain bleach**_ _!_

The sheer absurdity of his inner ramblings suddenly hit full force, and in spite of everything, Phoenix found himself letting out a short bark of laughter. The situation was like something out of a tragic melodrama/B-rated horror … it even had the prerequisite _raunchy skin-flick_ angle! He was the perpetually tormented, noble hearted, yet delightfully flawed protagonist, with a dark past he was trying to escape, while attempting to rehabilitate himself. The one thing on earth the valiant hero desired while on his quest for justice and seeking a better life for both himself and his young daughter, was finding _the truth_ behind his downfall! In spite of this, he kept finding not only monkey-wrenches thwarting his newfound sobriety, but other horrendous obstacles hindering his progressions whilst he blindly he stumbled upon the trail of finding the truth, redemption and hopefully, _true love_ along the way!

The spiky-haired man buried his head in his hands and began cracking up at the mental image he had just summated for his catastrophic life – a sure sign that he was venturing near hysteria.

 _Forget the horrific porno drama_ _ **film**_ _\- if this were Japan instead of LA, it'd be more like a legal videogame! Ahh ha ha! Oh Lord… I_ _ **kill**_ _me!_

He laughed uproariously at the entire irony of such a ludicrous notion as tears of mirth spilled from his eyes.

 _I can see it now – my tale would encompass the additive backstory of my shameful substance abuse, which was due to not only the angst of a_ _ **badge**_ _lost, but also because of my limerence behind losing… The One That Got Away! It could even be partially turned into some sort of depressing, tear-jerker_ _ **soap opera**_ _…_ _played worldwide by both males_ _ **and**_ _females! They'd just need to take out all my calamitous man-whore moments to ensure it's kid-friendly!_

Phoenix was rolling on sofa now, clutching his sides as he continued with the lunacy of it all.

 _What an imagination I've got! As if_ _ **anyone**_ _would be keen to play a game that'd be less courtroom drama, and more of a visual novel about the life and times of a disbarred Ace Attorney! A now disgraced has-been, turned hobo bum/single father/recovering alcoholic with untamable, trademarked porcupine hair which he needs to cover with a beanie to become utterly incognito! A tragic figure whose laconic, brooding demeanor seems to now attract an endless barrage of short-term rentals instead of true love. What it all boils down to though, is that essentially, more than anything else, the saddest part of all is that he's just so unbearably, despondently…_ _ **lonely.**_

Abruptly, his guffawing dwindled, and the sobering realization of his actual plight sunk in heavily upon him.

 _What the hell am I even laughing at? This is the lowest I have ever been in my entire life!_

He dropped his head into his hands as the overwhelming lugubriousness washed over him once again.

 _In this perpetual never-ending cycle of loneliness, there is no past or future, just living by the moment. Every day is measured from the moment of waking into this new reality until my body can do no more, until sleep comes to rest this weary mind. Each day I greet the sun like a climber greets their rope, fingers holding on fast despite the pain. It is grief, no different from bereavement, coming in wintry waves. Now I don't even have the vice of a comforting bottle around to keep me company at this moment while I reflect yet another bullet dodged._

Phoenix knew the moment he started to cry, he was truly alone. He cried slowly, with tears dripping down his temples and the soft hum of his own voice echoing throughout the silent room.

 _I know I got lucky in receiving a Not Guilty verdict and the real perpetrator being discovered. I should be celebrating my newfound freedom, or sniggering about my ridiculous inner monologue with a buddy. But there is no one to accompany me today. I know Edgeworth would've gotten a big kick out of this comedy of errors that has become my life. Maya would've laughed herself silly at my soap opera/video game conception, told me what a big dork I was, and then made me go out with her for burgers to savor the triumphant taste of justice at that trial today!_

He knew he existed and breathed. Yet save for Trucy, he meant nothing to anyone anymore.

 _Consequently, I languish alone on my couch, with only the slight bruise on my cheek as my only reminder of Apollo Justice, who saved my head from the noose today. That honorable, perseverant young attorney – one reminiscent of_ _ **me**_ _from a previous life – who obviously used to look up to me…now_ _ **hates my guts**_ _! All because he believes_ _ **I**_ _was the one behind that "forged evidence" today. Because I had no choice but to take the rap like any good father would, all due to the naughty magician's trick played by my daughter, the sole light of my life. Not so coincidentally, said juvenile outlaw is presently nowhere to be found! Hence, I can only sit here all by my lonesome, and mull_ _ **another**_ _forgery to my name I didn't commit, along with the fact that even though Kristoph is in jail now, I remain a disgraced pariah of society._

The rest of the world he'd known could be seen, drifting farther and farther away as teardrops made up his ocean. They fell upon his lips and stuck to his eyelashes. Phoenix could taste them, rolling down his parched throat. It was just him…and his solitude. He had lost himself. He had lost himself in an endless ocean of despair with no beacon of light or hope in sight.

 _When friends feel like paper chains in the rain and the sky holds nothing but the promise of more storms, life is lonely. When all I want is a hand to hold or an arm about my shoulders and none comes, the world becomes cold and empty, a slow poison for the soul. We are born to be loved and nurtured, and to do the same for others. We are born to be in tribes with social bonds that last a lifetime. It's times like this I wish I could melt in the rain like those paper people, and fade away. Anything to stop the ever-present pain._ _All I have now are memories of those I've known and adored, who for various reasons, have left me to a silence, one so deafening that it frightens me. All the while, my hopes for a better tomorrow diminish into the blackening distance…._

A sudden sharp series of rapping at the front door jolted him out of his self-pitying, lachrymose state.

 _What the hell? Did Truce decide to finally come home and face the music? But why wouldn't she use her keys? Maybe she forgot them?_

He hurriedly dried his eyes on the sleeves of his sweatshirt, and with a mingled sense of inertia and lassitude, reluctantly got up from the couch to the answer the call of the persistent knocker.

 _I wonder who it could be. I certainly wasn't awaiting any company! It's_ _ **got**_ _to be Truce!_

He furrowed his brow while wracking his brain about who his mystery caller was.

When Gumshoe had reluctantly arrested him at The Borscht Bowl club three nights ago after the nightmare incident with Shadi Smith, the kindhearted man had alerted his old "pal" that his murder trial would definitely make news in all the papers. He'd then later confirmed this while Phoenix had been at the detention center. Considering the brawny man and his ham-sized fists would've made a much heavier thudding sound, the spiky-haired man could surmise it definitely wasn't the big lug at the door.

 _Jeez, don't tell me it's some pesky reporter that's tracked down where I live?! They haven't bothered me since I first got disbarred…_

Trudging to the door and peering through the peephole, Phoenix caught his first glance of a _very familiar hairstyle_ which he hadn't seen in _ages_! He blinked rapidly and his breath halted in his chest. His fragmented mind wildly pondered if his teary eyes were making him a victim of _wishful thinking,_ considering he'd _just_ been lamenting about ghosts of his past! But what were the odds of one of them actually _materializing?_

As he threw open the door at last, his heart stood still for a split-second as he finally registered who his unexpected guest was.

"Holy blast from the past, huh?" The familiar chipper voice in his ear was immediately accompanied by feminine curves being plastered against the poleaxed ex-lawyer's chest. "It's been far too long! I've missed you so much!"

The card shark reflexively returned the effusive embrace, which nearly knocked him backwards, but found himself too gobsmacked to even reply.

"Cat got your tongue?" A feminine titter. "I know you weren't expecting me, of all people, but you seriously look as though you've seen a _ghost_!"

The body in his arms wasn't an _apparition_! The poker champ realized dazedly. She was most definitely _real_!

"I'm so sorry I couldn't come see you sooner!" The loquacious visitor chirped, uncaring that Phoenix still hadn't spoken. "But you wouldn't _believe_ how tied up I've been…"

* * *

 _ **Flashback**_

 _Hickfield Clinic_ _ **–**_ April 15, 2026

"All the best, Phoenix!" Suhkdeep Mann called jauntily after the completely red-faced _ER frequent flyer_ as he hastily departed down the hall. "I would say _see you later_ , but I wouldn't want to _jinx_ you!"

" _What_?" A startled woman's voice came suddenly from behind the emergency room doctor. "The man who just flew out of here like a _bat out of hell_ – that was _Phoenix Wright_?!"

She bit her lip and muttered under her breath.

"If so…when the heck did he get so… _hot_?!"

"Yesss…." The GP slowly turned around, surprised to see a petite brunette standing there. "I take it you know him…?"

"I can't _believe_ that sprinting blur in the bum gear who just whizzed past me was _Mr. Wright_!" She blurted out, clapping an astonished hand against her cheek. "He's changed so much since I saw him last! Heck, he was in _suit_ the last time I laid eyes on him! What was _he_ doing here?"

"I'm afraid I am not at liberty to disclose any sort of confidential details about my patients, past _or_ present," the South Asian man replied firmly, eyeing her dubiously. "How may I help you, Miss…?"

"Detective Ema Skye, LAPD." She quickly flashed her badge. "I was notified by my colleague to come investigate a recent arrival to the ER because drug usage was suspected?"

"Ah yes, of course."

Dr. Mann smiled politely, then cast a furtive glance at the still unconscious and heavily medicated Dee Vasquez, who appeared to be resting peacefully now.

"As I have now finished tending to this patient, I will be happy to take you over to where these particular…arrivals have been admitted."

The Punjab chortled ruefully.

"This is definitely a night of hedonistic hijinks gone _haywire_!" He mumbled, as if to himself. "I am beginning to wonder _how_ this somehow has managed to become _my_ area of _expertise!_ "

Ema wasn't sure she'd heard him correctly, as she'd just popped a handful of crunchy chocolate snacks into her mouth, and the loud munching had drowned out most of his musings.

"Pardon me, doctor? Hedonistic _what_ now?"

"Oh, nothing." The medic shook his head slightly and then smiled winsomely at the quizzical Snackoo muncher. "Apologies, Detective Skye. I was thinking out loud. At this point in my career – and _especially_ with the _last_ patient in particular – I suppose _nothing_ should shock me! Generally, it does not. However, while we have managed to get the dyad separated at last, I suppose it was the way the young man was _dressed_ when they were rushed in here that caught me off-guard, even if the actual _cause_ for ER admission did not."

"I'm little bit confused." A perplexed frown marred Ema's forehead. "Detective Dick Gumshoe didn't give me any details beyond the suspected drug charges. Did you just say the couple needed to be _separated_?"

Dr. Mann led the policewoman to the curtained cubicle at the end of the hall.

"Affirmative. The youth requires further assistance and remains in ER care, whereas the woman isn't quite coherent yet, a bit groggy from the copious amounts of muscle relaxants required to get her unstuck from her lover. She was straddling him, and was then unable to free herself, due to a very severe case of _penis captivus_."

"Is that even _possible_ , scientifically speaking?" Ema gawped at him. "I thought such tales were urban legends?"

"Usually, in similar situations of _vaginismus_ , the clamped down vaginal muscles responsible for causing the captivity of the two united partners eventually _do_ relax on their own, with no need of medical intervention," the physician explained. "However, this incident was _not_ short lived, as the youth essentially needed to be _forcibly removed_ , with the assistance of medications, bountiful lubricant and two very burly orderlies…"

"Ouch!" She cringed at the imagery. "That sounds _embarrassingly painful_ – not to mention, um, _painfully embarrassing!"_

"Indeed." His countenance was solemn. "That loud _popping_ , similar to the uncorking noise made with champagne bottle, may very well haunt me to the end of my days! If possible, it was even _more_ disturbing by the shrill screaming sounds made by the young man! He seemed truly terrified the required force required for the staff to lift her off his penis had _separated_ _him_ from his manhood."

" _How_ could he have possibly thought such a thing?" She choked back a horrified laugh. "Surely he would have _felt_ it…ah… _dislodging_?!"

"At the time, he was, and _still_ continues to complain of a total numbing sensation in his groin, ergo perhaps he would _not_ have! I was happy to advise him such was _not_ the case – for which he was so relieved, he burst into a beholden session of sobbing for the next five minutes into my lab coat. You can see still the tearstains on my shoulder if you look closely enough."

Dr. Mann valiantly attempted tried to hide the glimmer of amusement in his eyes as he recounted this part of the story, yet failed miserably. Seeing the detective biting back a snicker, he desperately tried to resume his normally authoritative demeanor.

"The fact that the patient is maintaining an erection which is failing to subside, even half an hour since admittance, prompted us to think the situation might require police investigation. I must warn you the youth is also being _most uncooperative_ abut disclosing what substances he and Miss May indulged in, plus he refuses to allow testing of any sort!"

"We _could_ get a warrant to get testing, even _without_ his consent." Ema tapped her chin thoughtfully. "But to do so may take time –"

"Which we may not _have_ , because in the meantime, this " _matter_ " is _not_ _subsiding_!" The GP's visage was wreathed with concern. "He will only deny having taken Viagra and just vaguely eluded to indulging in ' _angel dust.'_ I am skeptical about that claim, because during all my years in ER, I have never seen mere _cocaine_ cause such an extreme reaction."

"Miss _May_ you said?" The detective wrinkled her brow. "Why does that sound vaguely _familiar_ …?"

"Miss April May," Dr. Mann affirmed, checking his chart. "Age 33. Her partner is Wocky Kitaki, age 19…"

" _April May_?!" Ema's jaw hit her chest. "We only released her for being an accessory to the murder of Mia Fey earlier _this_ year! Now you're telling me she's a suspect for a _drug_ crime?!"

"Despite his reluctance in helping us solve this mystery, Mr. Kitaki is insistent that we keep these matters _private_ and give him _first class care_ , otherwise his father will: " _shoot first, and questions later_!"

" _Excuse_ me?! This _hooligan_ – he tried _intimidating_ you?!"

"Mr. Kitaki said, and I quote: _'A man fights to protect what's valuable to him, you know what I'm saying? And I'm protective of my junk! Anything happens to me or my shizzle, my father's gonna bust a cap in your collective asses, yo!'_

Dr. Mann appeared distinctly uncomfortable.

"I hope this _delicate_ matter can be left in your capable hands, Detective. I have no desire to have any foreign objects _lodged into my posterior_ area by an angry gangster! My specialty is getting items to _exit_ from bodily orifices, not _enter_ them!"

"I can't believe this kid is being such a little _punk_ with the doctors who are trying to save his _sorry teenage junk_!" Adorable chipmunk cheeks puffed out in annoyance. "Doesn't he grasp that if he doesn't tell you what he was on, you can't _treat_ him?!"

"He just said _'doc you wack, man! I did some nose candy, and shizz got out of control! No biggity! It ain't no crime!_ "

"Oh _yes it is_!" She tried to sound grim, even though her lips twitching at hearing this slang repeated in the practitioner's lilting East Indian accent. "Mr. Kitaki's got a huge dose of reality coming at him – _right in the kisser_!"

"I have zero doubts about your ability to get him to cough up the information we so urgently seek." Dr. Mann smiled with relief. "If it's any assistance to you at all, I have a sneaking suspicion about _why_ Mr. Kitaki is being so recalcitrant about this whole _coitus interruptus_ , Detective Skye…"

The science enthusiast absorbed this particular _telling_ detail the physician relayed to her, then smirked knowingly.

"It _figures_! Don't you worry doctor – I _will_ get the kid to talk! You go make your rounds. All I need is _five minutes_ with the little brat!"

Ema stormed into the cubicle and found Wocky Kitaki lying back on the gurney with a sulky expression. The scrawny boy – whose contorted moue somehow managed to indicate simultaneous pain _and_ petulance! – broke into an appreciative grin at the sight of the pretty detective, but she was too sidetracked by several other glaring factors to even notice the unspoken flattery.

For one thing, _Mr. Everlast_ had the most _bizarre_ orange and yellow hairdo styled hairdo she'd _ever_ seen on a _non-furry!_ Nevertheless, his hairstyle was _a real pip_ compared to his presently adorned _outfit_! The only thing that could've distracted the rookie detective from her focused task, besides the dual-colored "fox-ears" on the wannabe thug's fat head… was the _even more_ preposterous ensemble he was wearing!

 _Dr. Mann wasn't kidding about that getup! No wonder even_ _ **he'd**_ _been taken aback at first sight!_

Wocky Kitaki, self-proclaimed "G" and "gangster extraordinaire" was dressed up… In a _Playboy Bunny_ outfit!

In light of the fact that said attire wasn't leaving much to the imagination, Ema wasn't quite sure _where_ a _safe_ _place_ was for her poor, abused eyes. She was visibly recoiling from the unforgettable sight – which could never be _unseen! –_ and was only threatening to get _worse_!

 _Mayday, Madam Curie! I can tell the buttons of that snap crotch are impending to burst under the strain of his… Yikes!_

The scowling teen was in the iconic black and white Playmate costume. The black satiny, strapless stretch one-piece on his spindly frame was so elaborate, Hugh Hefner himself would have been proud! It even had the fiber-filled bust cups, white sheeny cuffs, collar bow tie, and a silky bendable bunny-eared headpiece as the finishing touch. Since he was lying on his side, Ema could see the outfit also included underwire cottontail back detailing, with a detachable _faux fur tail!_

The speechless law enforcer was openly gaping for a good few moments before she realized her unprofessionalism, and closed her mouth hurriedly. Unfazed, Wocky's beady eyes lit up with interest at the sight of her.

"A'yo, a'yo, a'yo yo yo! Are you _The Heat_?" The _gangsta'_ waggled his stupid pointed brows in a manner he obviously thought was irresistible. "Nice to see such a foxy lady cop after having all these fug quackers all up in my grill! The po-po's keepin' it real fo'sho!"

Ema hated him at first sight.

 _ **One**_ _boorish, sexist male who insists on condescendingly addressing me as_ _ **Fräulein Detective**_ _is bad enough!_ She fumed. _But there is no way in hell I am taking any lip from_ _ **this**_ _little shit!_

"That's _Detective Skye_ to you, Mr. Kitaki." She said coldly as she stepped into the small space and yanked the curtains shut behind her. "I'm here to ask you a few questions about the incident that took place tonight."

"I ain't changin' my tune from what I already told those quacks!" Wocky shot back defiantly. "Me and the lady got into some blow before we decided to smash, and some unplanned shizz went down that needs to be fixed ASAP, ya' know what I'm sayin'?"

"You _do_ realize if you're admitting to the use of illegal substances, you're facing legal repercussions? Even possible jail time?"

"A G's not a G till he does hard time! Bizzoooy!"

The exasperated Detective simply goggled at him while her brain tried to process the migraine-inducing "street lingo" which he was attempting to pass off as _English_.

"I don't believe that you _willingly_ took any sort of drugs whatsoever. Unless of course, you make a habit of hooking up with women who are _almost twice your age_ and dressing like up like a Playmate/Furry whenever you do!"

" _Furry_?! You dissin' my 'do, lady cop?" Wocky proudly preened his pointed fringe. "Straight goods, homes – this be my _own_ shizz – I'm a _fox_ with the ladies _all day, every day_ , ya feel me?"

 _Oops!_ She flushed slightly. _So he's_ _ **not**_ _a furry! I didn't realize he actually looked that way on_ _ **purpose**_ _! I was almost convinced/hoping it was part of the role play!_

"Dizzam! Bein' a fox ain't just for play! I'm all about the swag, and my 'do is _tight_ , yo! It's the real deal for this OG! As for this getup, it's what Sweet Tits wanted! I _always_ aim to please any shawty of mine!" He winked lasciviously at the detective, who tried not to gag. "I just hang loose and let things go with the flow. You hearin' what I'm layin' down, bizzoy?"

"Well unfortunately _Sweet Tits_ is in no current state to further elaborate on _what went down tonight_ ," she said wryly. "And time is of valuable essence if they're going to remedy your current situation. You know how they say to _consult a doctor_ if you have an erection that lasts over four hours, Mr. Kitaki? They don't mean call him up _to_ _brag_! Do you understand that if they can't run the tests in order to provide the proper anecdote for this situation, there's a very high chance that eventually you might _lose_ it?"

"What, my _pulsating thrill hammer?!_ " A flicker of fear crossed over Wocky's pinched up mien. "Please tell me you don't mean losin' my _Mammoth Mountain_?!"

"Well, you aren't consenting to voluntary testing, which means I'd need a warrant, but that will take a few more hours. It wouldn't be the greatest route to go, since roughly two hours have passed now, so forget _mountain_ – you'd be lucky if you were even left with a _molehill_." She jutted her chin towards the area in question so there was no confusion. "We aren't talking about merely subsiding your erection, but losing your _pride and joy_ … _**entirely**_."

 _Not that there's a whole lot to be_ _ **proud**_ _of, from what I can see!_ She added silently, but simply arched her brow in wait for his response.

"You're yankin' my chain, fo' shizzle!" Wocky protectively placed his hands over his crotch. " _Not_ my _Iron Wang_!"

"Would I joke about something like that?" Ema affixed her most unpleasant sneer. "As someone who's extensively studied science, believe you me, it shan't be a _painless_ loss of your _L'il Wang_ if they have to _hypothesize_ the origin of your problem and speculate treatment of it. In fact, the _remedy_ _procedure_ may even more insufferable than the aftermath! "

The forensic lover turned swiftly and left then, ignoring the vain protests he called behind her retreating back as he tried to correct the purposefully misquoted moniker for his nether regions. She returned a few moments later, holding an enormous syringe which rivaled the size those used for epidurals. It had a menacing, 8 cm needle with a blunt tip at the end.

"First, they'll disinfect the area to minimize infections – but no anesthetic, because they want to remove your current numbing sensation not add to it. Next, they'll proceed with injection, until the entire needle tip has been inserted. It will then dispel what will most likely feel like a cool, foreign, gelatin-like substance being pumped into a narrow channel of your body which would normally only be used as an exit…"

Fox Boy's eyes nearly bugged out of his head while she brusquely continued, her genuine enthusiasm mounting in spite of herself as she went into the scientific nitty gritty details.

"In order to proceed, of course, they will need to expose, then broaden, the entrance to your urethra …via means of your _meatus_. In case you didn't know, that means your _penile hole_."

Ema affected her best clinical intonation, pretending not to notice his countenance had gone as ashen as the linen he was lying on. Then, with a sly smirk, she reached into her lab coat pocket and whipped out another metal instrument known as a sounding rod. To the hoodlum's petrified gaze, it resembled a long, thin metal stick with smooth, rounded ends. It was easily 3 mm, with a 7 mm ball at one end, which she merrily elaborated was _"to help avoid losing it on the way down."_

"Once the lubricating sterilizer has been applied, this apparatus will thereafter be inserted once your opening is adequately dilated, in order to make room for _this_."

She whipped out the final terrifying rod device, the _pièce de résistance,_ this one bearing a hose attachment, and Wocky's knuckles turned white as he clutched the sheet in fear.

"Last but not least, this here is a _prince catheter wand_. It will make collecting the samples much easier. As you can see, it also has a _hollow hole_ to allow it to remain in place and fluids to pass…"

"Step back, bizzoy!" Wocky whimpered slightly, his voice unnaturally high. "I – I _know_ you're messing with me! No way would these quacks do that kinda shizz to a real OG! They – they _know_ _who I am_! Who my _old man_ is…"

"Fine, suit yourself and _don't_ believe me then, Mr. Kitaki."

Ema shrugged and nonchalantly dropped the devices back into the deep compartments of her oversized white jacket.

"It's your prerogative whether or not you want to cooperate with the police, or put any stock whatsoever into the information I just gave you. I can surely understand your skepticism. After all, I'm just _a foxy lady cop_. It's not as though I've spent the last nine years in Europe extensively studying forensic sciences or anything."

She turned to leave, but made one casual parting remark that made his blood run even colder than either the sight or explanation of any of those grotesque medical torture contraptions he'd just been subjected to.

"I'm sure Miss May shall still be your _shawty_ and stay by your side, irrespective of whether or not _all_ parts of you _remain intact_ when all is said and done. Yet could the same be said for the little pixie whose picture is on your phone? The one Dr. Mann made me privy to when you were rushed in? I wonder how _she_ would react to the news of your missing anatomy, hmm?"

"That's my Alita. My fallen angel." His phizog went from white to beet red, and his voice quaked. "I mean, she's my _ex_! Yeah, that's it. She won't care what goes down with me! Sweet Tits is my poster girl now!"

"Is she _really_?" Ema drawled insolently, instantly knowing a bad liar when she saw one and deciding to call his bluff. "Most guys don't usually keep _recent_ photos of their former lovers – with whom they are standing under a banner which reads _'Happy New Year 2026!'_ – As their wallpaper background on their cell… _four months later_! Perhaps you're a sentimental exception to that rationale? I suppose we could find out for ourselves how heartless this sweet-faced girl truly is? Let's just give this Alita a call to ascertain how she'd react to the tragic news about her former _swine_ – er, _swain_ – becoming a _eunuch…"_

Wocky opened his mouth, but not a sound came out. His head began tremulously quivering, as if there was a drill to the back of his skull. Ema tilted her own head to the side and eyed him expectantly, knowing she'd made her mark.

The teen's entire body began to jostle violently, and then in the next instant, the floodgates opened.

" _Please_!" He wailed, all his bravado vanquished as he raised a hand to halt her while a lone tear traced down his pink cheek. "Detective Skye, whatever you do, _please_ , don't let my fallen angel know about this! I'm _begging_ you! Alita's my fiancée…She – she'd never forgive me if she knew what happened!"

"You mean about how you were unfaithful to her tonight?" The brunette eyed him coolly, unmoved by the waterworks. As a cop, she'd seen it all. "Or about how you were so desperate you would've rather gone to jail for bogus drug charges, rather than have her find out the truth about your infidelity?"

"I never did no stinkin' drugs!" He sobbed pitifully, and just like that, the tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down his round cheeks. "I was rolling with my homies tonight, just kickin' back, when April came to me out of nowhere. She started chatting me up, then offered me some beer. Next thing I know, I'm back at her place, dressed like a rabbit, and we're _stuck together!_ And now you're telling me Ima lose my _Iron Wang_ over this?"

He wiped his runny nose on the gurney sheet, leaving a grotesque snotty trail in the process.

" _Wah_! My poster girl coulda dealt with a real OG for doing time for getting' busted doing _blow_ , but she'd _never_ put up with me getting my porker polished elsewhere! Truth is, I'd rather lose _all_ my limbs than ever lose my Alita! Th – that's why I didn't want to be tested and have any police involvement! How could I make shawty believe that I _unintentionally_ cheated on her?!"

"But that's exactly what I think happened." Ema's expression was sympathetic now. "I do believe you're a victim in all this, Mr. Kitaki, and that you were _involuntarily_ drugged by the very predatory April May. Can I take this all to mean that you'll now concede to the medical staff doing the required testing on you so they can properly treat you?"

"I'll do _anything_!" He wailed pathetically. "J – Just don't let my fallen angel or anyone find out about this…"

 _ **End Flashback**_

* * *

 _Wright_ _Talent Agency_ – April 20, 2026

"So _that's_ why I couldn't be there to support you for your trial, Mr. Wright! What a nightmare it was getting that warrant for April May!"

Ema emitted a loud groan while flopping back onto the sofa beside the still speechless spiky-haired man.

"Wocky's a punk, sure, but even _he_ didn't deserve to be part of her dastardly plot! That beer she gave his underage behind – _another_ charge in itself by the way – was a special cocktail she'd had access to from her Bluecorp days. It was a chemical blend consisting of a large helping of potent aphrodisiac and a dab of a British anesthesia called Xanagrafeipam, by anesthesia manufacturer giant, Labrelum. She dosed the kid with enough to make him more susceptible to any and _all_ suggestions, including getting the unsuspecting guy to acquiesce with her kinky bunny fetish!"

She shook her head ruefully, uncaring that her mute companion hadn't uttered a peep yet.

"The new drug was called Furtivirtulam. It's very illegal because of how fond sexual predators are of using it on their prey – it puts the old date rape drug, GHB, to shame! I had to go all out and get the warrants required to further investigate, since April May refused to talk! You wouldn't _believe_ all that surveillance camera and recording equipment she had set up at her place! Plus, once tested we found out she was chock full of enough _fertility drugs_ to choke a horse!"

Phoenix's incredulous eyes grew as round as saucers, and the detective nodded industriously, seeing that he understood just how vile the non-rehabilitated bimbo's plot had been.

"Ultimately, if the calculating, cougarish she-devil hadn't been able to get herself pregnant by the targeted sole heir to the Kitaki fortune, thus guaranteeing her a life on easy street, she had a Plan B. She was obviously going to blackmail him with those tawdry pictures to get him to cough up hush money, so she wouldn't show the photos to the poor kid's fiancée! Luckily, Wocky was successfully treated, his L'il Wang remains intact, and he gave us all the information we needed to put April away for _really_ long time, without having to drag his name into public light. The scheming fortune huntress didn't even put up a fight about being incarcerated again when she found out all the evidence against her, possibly because she knows if she ever gets out again, she's a dead woman walking if the Kitaki's get their hands on her!"

Ema finally paused for a breath and turned pink as she realized how much of a monologue she'd be sprouting instead of properly being reunited with her old friend.

"Once a science geek, _always_ a science geek, huh, Mr. Wright?" She ventured apologetically. "I'm sorry to have been prattling on incessantly like that and probably boring you to near tears. Um, let me see if I can make it up to you by finding some way to _amuse_ you!"

She popped a Snackoo in her mouth and gazed skyward for inspiration, then beamed brightly.

"If I pinch my nose with my fingers, close my mouth tight, and blow real hard, I can make my ears bleed! It's not as cool as Superman's X-ray vision, but it's my own special talent!"

Phoenix simply stared at her, still trying to absorb everything he'd heard, and coming to terms with the fact that Ema Skye was seated beside him again after nine long years .

Since her impromptu arrival at his doorstep, the faux musician had been teetering between stupefaction and sheer relief that she wasn't who he'd initially feared she was! The respite had only further deepened when he'd noted that in the near decade since he'd last seen the younger Skye sister, her striking resemblance to his former assistant had, mercifully, dwindled drastically. The cute and bubbly teen had now blossomed into a young lady with her own unique kind of beauty.

Ema's long toffee hair, still in its familiar semi-topknot, swished gently to her shoulders in silky waves. Those wide-set eyes, the color of fresh dew glinting in the sunlight off an emerald leaf, sparkled with the same excited zest for life he'd known ages ago. Full, rosebud lips curved into a smile, exuding her own brand of familiar warmth, which he realized he'd sorely missed. At 25, her baby-face was still evident, but now her chin curved gracefully around classically sculpted feminine features, including a slightly rounded nose against high cheekbones on a flawless peaches and cream complexion.

The former wino couldn't tell by the ill-fitting lab coat how much of his friend's coltish teenage frame had bloomed in womanhood. Still, while she wasn't tall, long-stemmed and model-girl in appearance like her older sibling, he could make out that Ema _appeared_ to have filled out in all the right places, then mentally chastised himself for even allowing his thoughts to have gone _there_ , however briefly!

He found his voice at last, and let out a snigger at the endearing but unnecessary offer she'd just made.

"There's no need – It's quite alright, Ema," he replied, his voice laced with amusement and affection. "I think it's great how you haven't lost your zeal or passion for science, even if you're not in your dream job right now. It's nice to know that as much as things have drastically changed in my life since we last saw one another, some things have stayed the same."

" _Certain_ things have changed though," she remarked coyly, fluttering her long lashes at the flummoxed hobo. "When Lana mentioned her fling with you, she failed to indicate what a _fine specimen_ you'd morphed into, Mr. Wright! _How_ have you managed to get even _hotter_ with age?"

Phoenix felt the heat rising in his cheeks, although he wasn't sure if from the compliment or the realization that if Lana had mentioned their short-lived relationship to her sister, it possibly _also_ meant she'd told Ema how _disastrously_ things had ended between them!

"Um, Lana mentioned our history to you, did she?" He asked awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck and shooting her a sheepish grin. "I hope that means she has no hard feelings, then, heh, heh?"

"None, whatsoever!" The detective answered cheerily, the appreciative gleam in her eyes now evident, making him reflexively shift backwards. "And of course she told me – we're _sisters_! We tell each other _everything_!"

She leaned closer to him, not at all daunted by his mortified expression. If anything, it titillated her even more. No matter how old the ex-attorney got, he was still like a shy, dorky kid in a _hot as hell_ adult body. It was cute – maybe that's why she was so attracted to him now, and why she'd always liked him so much. Phoenix's inherent innocence was one of his best qualities.

"Lana doesn't blame you at all for taking off like the hounds of hell were on your tail when she tried to face-fuck you, for the record. She realizes it was too-much, too soon – and that she should have known better than to try the same stuff she did with Jake, without even discussing it with you first."

The ex-lawyer wished the plush sofa cushions could have opened up and swallowed him whole at that moment. This all sounded more like a case of sisterly _scare_ , not _share_!

"Lana really hopes you can forgive her drunken antics, Mr. Wright. After being in jail without any sort of alcohol so long, it's no wonder she was a lightweight from just that glass of wine, which made her act so uncharacteristically bold and brazen!"

"Um, Ema, it's good to hear your sister doesn't hate me for the way things ended," he said weakly, his cheeks turning even redder. "But still… I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with all our private information being aired out like this, you know?"

"Lana's back with Jake now," the girl went on, as though he hadn't spoken. "So I know she wouldn't care if I decided to feed my own curiosities with you in the name of _hands-on, explorative, methodical research!"_

"Um, _research_?" He gulped, uncertain how to take all this as she continued inching closer to him.

"Lana and I are full biological siblings! It would be the ultimate theory tested to certify if, scientifically speaking, your body and brain responded to us in a _similar_ or entirely _separate_ manner!" Her teal orbs sparkled with enthusiasm. "This case study would have the additional benefit of being equally enjoyable for both parties! There's also the added bonus that I have Lana's full blessing to proceed!"

 _I don't believe this!_ Phoenix moaned internally, clapping a hand over his eyes. _Either I'm nothing more than a piece of meat to every woman_ _ **and**_ _man I encounter, but now I'm a labyrinth-running rodent to be scrutinized, too?! Lana's_ _ **blessings?!**_ _Jesus, these Skye sisters really believe in keeping it in the family! They've got to be_ _ **the**_ _most bizarre set of siblings I've ever encountered – and this is coming from someone who's had to deal with Hawthornes, Gavins and Feys…oh my!_

"Ema, as much as I am not averse to doing my part in the name of scientific progression and research…" He put up his palms in a no-offense gesture. "Trust me, I'm flattered, really! But it's been a _brutally_ rough day for me, and this is all just a bit too much right now. I'm not really in the mood to be subjected like some sort of lab rat in any sort of conducted experiment!"

"Oh _no_!" She gasped in dismay, her eyes turning into golf balls. "This came out _all wrong_! I _never_ meant to make it sound as though I merely saw you as a specimen to examine under a microscope, Mr. Wright! I – I'm so sorry! I've spent too much of my life as science-loving bibliophagist, and am therefore too much of an inexperienced _nerd_ to properly convey how I feel about things when I'm outside of a lab."

Phoenix caught the catch in his friend's voice, and studied the veracity on her lovely visage. She gripped his hands, her tone as earnest and pleading as the look in her eyes.

"Mr. Wright, I've wanted to tell you something for a long time," Ema swallowed, her throat having suddenly gone dry. "The thing is– about you– I've always…"

Immediately, the pianist knew where this conversation was going, and suddenly wished to stop it in its tracks. From his ever-present magatama in his pocket, he could see no psyche locks present, and therefore knew whatever she was trying to convey was being done with nothing but utmost sincerity, but he didn't feel equipped to handle it right then.

"Ema, please. Don't say it. I can't deal with this right now…"

He reluctantly pushed the girl away, teary-eyed and troubled. However, that only rekindled her frustration. She quickly grabbed his wrists and tugged him back to face her.

"Why not?" She pleaded. "Why can't you handle the truth about how I feel about you?"

Phoenix turned away, conflicted and vulnerable, and somehow Ema thought she saw a shadow of the earnest young lawyer she'd known many moons ago.

"For one thing, I dated your sister! And you're still so young … _you_ have your whole life ahead of you, whereas _I_ have nothing to offer you, or _anyone_. I'd only drag you down through the mud with me…"

"You don't have to feel responsible for me, Mr. Wright." She reached up to cradle the man's cheek, turning his head so he could see the adoration in her eyes. "I'm a grown woman now, not some kid you'd be taking advantage of. I _care_ about you. I always have. It kills me how that horrid April May kept me from coming to you sooner and being there for you, when you clearly needed support the most! I could have _decked_ her for that! You deserved to have a friend be there for you, the way you were for Lana. And for _me_."

Her sincerity and maturity struck a chord in him. Phoenix stared unabashedly at the girl – no, _woman –_ seated right in front of him, and chuckled slightly. However, it wasn't a bitter or miserable sound; it was the kind of laughter that felt right, like a great wave of relief had finally descended upon him, a sort of peace which had eluded him for years.

"So, you really still give a _scientific rat's ass_ about the forgin' attorney, do you?" He tipped his head downward so only the brim of his beanie was visible, while partially obscuring his mien from her view. "You _really_ don't believe I did it, like everyone else does?"

"I believe in _you_ ," she said quietly. "If there was ever a time you could have used forged evidence, it would've been during Lana's trial. But you didn't. That's not you. That's _never_ been you."

He raised his head at last, revealing a genuine smile. It was big and warm and reached his hypnotic eyes, and Ema thought Phoenix appeared downright scrumptious at that instant.

"It's so nice to see you smiling. I wish I'd been able to come and light up your face like that sooner!" She took his hand again and gave it a squeeze. "Curse that April May! Ugh…I've never wanted to assault someone so bad in my life, _ever_! Unfortunately, I wasted my _one_ free-pass when I bitch-slapped Kristoph's glimmerous fop brother for his part in your disbarring!"

"You did _what_?!"

Phoenix swallowed back a laugh of reluctant admiration for her fierce loyalty, then searched her visage for signs of humor to indicate she was joking about having _seriously_ used bodily force on her immediate superior, yet found none.

"Dammit, what were you _thinking_?! Police brutality solves nothing!"

"I couldn't help myself! To know the fop was a part of something so horrible happening to a man who's done so much for me and my family and countless others ...!" She sighed regretfully. "I know it didn't get your badge back, but sure made _me_ feel better!"

"Let it go, Ema," Phoenix said tiredly. "We can't prove Kristoph was the one who set me up, or that Klavier actually had any part of it. And abusing your power will only get your badge taken away. Then we'll _both_ be…losers."

His saddened look of resignation made her want to weep.

"You're _not_ a _loser_ , Mr. Wright!" She cried. "You can't give up! I won't stop till I've proven your innocence!"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." He peered intently into her welled-up, stormy eyes. "Why are you getting so worked up over this, though?"

"Because you were my _hero_! Lana and I owe the world to you! Badge or not, you're still Phoenix _Freaking_ Wright!" She wiped away her angry tears. "The most wonderful, selfless, _handsome_ man I've ever known."

" _Handsome_?" Phoenix blushed adorably and took off his hat as he raked a hand through his spikes. "Even with this beanie, sweats and scuff?"

She nodded, blushing as well now that she'd admitted her attraction to the very _prime male_ sitting beside her. A stray lock of ebony hair fell carelessly across his forehead, making him resemble an adorable Superman. All his features were strong and defined, from his distinct cheekbones, to his prominent nose, full lips and squared jawline, shadowed with stubble.

Nonetheless, it was those spellbinding orbs that pinned her to the spot and seemed to glow blue fire as they watched her. They were deep and catastrophic, a vivid indigo hue, like the ocean at night. This close, she could see the flecks of turbulent emotions within them as he struggled to come to terms with the fact that she found him attractive, as though it were such an unfathomable notion for him. He was so handsome, and he had no clue of it whatsoever, which just made his entire essence seem all the more alluring.

"I've got to let you know that I find your admiration to be equal parts flattering …and _astonishing_!" He admitted shyly. "I'd always thought you were more of an Edgeworth fan girl. Not too many women are lining up at the door for a disgraced forgin' attorney."

"You're not wrong. I _did_ have a crush on Mr. Edgeworth back then – when I was just a _teenager_!" Her ardor was unmistakable. "But like I said, I'm not a kid anymore, Mr. Wright. I'm a grown woman now. And this woman knows what really matters in life – kind-hearted, justice avengers, like _you_!"

After the day he'd had, and the tears he'd shed earlier in his morose and melancholic state, hearing that there was a woman out there who truly cared about _him_ , not just _parts_ of him, and who actually seemed _normal_ – sibling over-sharing notwithstanding! – felt like a healing Band-Aid had been affixed to the wounds of his battered heart.

"Oh, Ema." He gently squeezed her shoulder. "Thank you so much for thinking more of me than I do myself."

"You _will_ rise from the ashes, and _I'm_ going to be here by your side when you do!" She grabbed his face then, and stared searchingly into his suddenly intense sapphire gaze. "And for what it's worth … I happen to think you're handsomer _now_ than you were back then! I don't know _how_ I could have ever missed it."

His heart began to pound at the sight of her determined, tender expression. Ema had grown into such a beauty – he had no choice but to acknowledge this now, however much he'd tried not to. Although he'd dated her sister, and known her since she was a girl…God help him, he was _still_ a _man_ … a tortured, admittedly lonely, vulnerable man. Moreover, Ema was right here… so willing…so _wanting_ …and very much… 100% _woman_.

She caught the flickering flame in his gaze, and every cell of her body went on alert. Under her bra, her peaks tightened, pushing against the thin fabric of her blouse beneath her lab coat. She felt tingles shoot up and down her spine as she saw his eyes linger on the suddenly uneven rise and fall of her breasts. She moved her legs closer to his as the ache between her thighs grew. Every hair on her body was standing on end while her entire being clamored its need for this man. He was so blatantly, unapologetically _male_. Not even the ill-fitting sweats could mask how broadly muscled he was in contrast to her petite, slender frame, which made her feel so comparatively small and feminine. Her stomach fluttered, but it wasn't with fear. Having Phoenix so close to her was having a libidinous effect on all her senses.

He drew in a shuddering breath, and his chest expanded, almost touching her breasts. Her nipples tightened even further, the nubs practically straining to feel those hard muscles against her curves. Ema gasped as the heat between them ignited, sending rivulets of lightning flaring throughout her body. She felt tiny goosebumps everywhere. Her toes curled in her shoes, and she was throbbing so badly with need that she felt positively lightheaded.

She inhaled deeply, and immediately knew it was a mistake. His masculine scent of clean, sandalwood soap filled her nostrils. But underneath it all was just the tantalizing smell of Phoenix himself; the one man who had the ability to set her on fire with barely a glance or a touch.

"Like you said, you were just a teenager," he whispered. "Maybe you have a thing for hobos now?"

"When they're _this_ sexy, I do! Plus, I'm all grown up now…. _Phoenix_ ," she whispered back, her mouth hovering just inches from his. "Let me show you just how much…"

She leaned closer then, and his last shreds of sanity screamed at him, although not at all loudly, that this was sheer madness, and something they'd possibly both regret…

Ema softly placed her lips over his, slipping her warm tongue into his reluctant mouth, gently probing until his lips parted. Slowly, his tongue began to move against hers, tasting it first, feeling the warm wetness of it as it began to tangle with his. They breathed deeply into each other's mouths and, unable to resist her or deny her this kiss, he grabbed each side of her face and pressed her forcefully against him, locking his lips around hers with ravenous intent. She moaned into his mouth and he kissed her harder, trying to obviate all the pain from that day with this one passionate embrace, wrapping a strong arm around her back and pulling the rest of her body close as they continued kissing with frantic urgency.

Her lab coat soon floated to the floor, along with his hoodie and T-shirt.

Even though they both still had their pants on, Ema's pulse was racing as she stared up at his half naked physique from her location of being pinned under him on that couch. His defined torso appeared as if it'd been sculpted in stone. His biceps bulged as he leaned over her. She'd never more aware of a man then she was in that moment. She licked her lips, imagining what it would be like to touch his warm flesh, kiss it, and lick it. Her breasts swelled and her nipples puckered. She could feel the ache in her core growing each second as he pulled her shirt over her head, leaving her only in a white bra now.

Phoenix's hands came to life as he stroked her sides and roamed over her bosom atop the lacy material, making her press her bust eagerly into his fervent palms. He grinded his hips against hers, and she could feel his excitement pressing into her pelvis while his tongue roamed her mouth, slowly, deeply. She shivered at the blatant carnality of it, but did nothing to stop him. She felt caught in the pull of some incredible magnet, unable to draw away, unable to stop her body from responding as he tasted her. She blissfully threw her head back as he began raining heated kissed down her throat, cupping and teasing one heaving mound with his right hand, while his left one roamed through her hair and tugged lightly at her topknot to free it…

Then, without warning, he stopped, and jerked back from her as though he'd been scorched.

Ema's confused mind still felt hazy as she struggled to sit up in the deep cushions, and found her would-be lover sitting up, his elbows on his knees, and his head buried in his hands.

"Phoenix – Mr. Wright – what's wrong?" She tentatively placed a hand on his bare shoulder. "Was it something I did?"

"No. Nothing like that," he rasped hoarsely, squeezing his eyes shut while keeping his head bowed. "But I – I can't _do_ this! I swear, it's not _you_ , Ema. It's – it's _me_."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" She felt very exposed and insecure in her state of undress, and she quickly reached for her fallen blouse and clutched it against her chest. "Is it because I came on too strong?"

" _No_!" He looked up at her then, his expression tortured. "I promise, that's not it."

"Then what's _wrong_ with me?" Ema insisted, shifting herself over to come closer to him. As she did, she accidentally pressed against the buttons of the misplaced stereo remote, which, unknownst to them both, had been buried under the sofa cushions.

Immediately, loud music from the radio began playing, and Phoenix stiffened tensely at the song that came on.

 ** _See, the thing about you that caught my eye  
Is the same thing that makes me change my mind  
Kind of hard to explain, but girl, I'll try  
You need to sit down, this may take a while_**

His hurriedly yanked his T-shirt back on even as his heart gave a sharp pang at the revealing, yet ill-timed lyrics.

 ** _See this girl, she sorta looks just like you  
She even smiles just the way you do  
So innocent she seemed but I was fooled  
I'm reminded when I look at you…._**

 _It doesn't how much time has passed._ Phoenix grinded at his stinging eyes with the heels of his palms. _It doesn't matter how much wine I drink in attempts to forget her, or how many women I get under, trying to get over her… none of it works! But **this** particular scenario is worse than all the rest combined! The coloring is different…yet it's the still same beloved bonhomie disposition and that unspoiled purity…and that **hair** …_

" _Nothing's_ wrong with you!" He cried, his voice shaking. "You're beautiful. You're perfect! You – you just remind me too much of…"

"I remind you of _what_ …?" She echoed blankly, mimicking his actions and putting her blouse back on before registering how his tormented expression had deepened since the music had started. "I don't understand?"

 ** _You remind me of a girl, that I once knew.  
See her face whenever I, I look at you.  
You won't believe all of the things she put me through.  
This is why I just can't get with you…_**

That was when Ema understood at last.

Faint memories from nearly a decade ago resurfaced, and she dimly now recalled grasping, after having seen _her_ photo on the defense attorney's desk back then, exactly _why_ Phoenix had eventually been persuaded to take Lana's case in the first place.

Feeling a lump in her throat at the unmistakable angst her friend was in, she quickly reached under the cushion for the controller and clicked the stereo off.

"I'm so sorry, Ema," the spiky-haired man choked, staring at her with agonized orbs. "It's just that –"

"It's OK, Mr. Wright," she said softly, wrapping her arms around his shoulders in an affectionate hug. "You don't have to say another word. I _get_ it. And _I'm_ the one who's sorry. For your loss …for all your _losses_. For _everything_ you've had to endure. But you needn't go through anything alone anymore, because I'm your friend. I always have been and I _always_ _will be_. What happened with us hasn't changed _a damn thing_ , I swear it! I'm back now, and I'm going to be here for you, no matter what!"

"Thank you, Ema." Phoenix smiled gratefully for her compassion, then sagged with relief in her arms and rested his head against hers. "I've had enough lovers in my life. I really need a friend right now. So badly."

"You've got one for _life_ ," she promised, then let out a dramatic sigh, in attempt to lighten the mood. "Although I suppose it's not in neither my _sister's_ fate nor _mine_ to experience the wild, animalistic throes of coitus with you! Your Phoenix Wright Fan Club has been quite _explicit_ in sharing those details, you know!"

" _Ngh_!" He yelped, his sadness dwindling and being replaced once more by the ever more frequent mortification. " _Fan club_?! Are you _freakin'_ shitting me?!"

" _How_ could I make that up?" She tittered mercilessly. "Is it true you got handcuffed to a bedpost and the LAPD had to come unlock you?"

"Curse that loudmouth Lotta!" Phoenix pulled his beanie back on his head and dragged it down over his eyes with shame. "Don't believe _everything_ you hear, Ema!"

"Actually, _that_ one I heard from _Gumshoe_ , and _not_ the fan club!" She trilled jovially. "The worst part of this is, I can't claim bragging rights that your studly self was the one to have taken my flower!"

"Say _what_?!" Phoenix's head shot up with a start. " _I_ would have been…your _first_?!"

"Well, _yeah_!" She grinned impishly. "Although I'd like to let you know that whatever I lack in carnal knowledge, I _totally_ make up for in _supreme_ _inquisitiveness_!"

Phoenix bit back an amused grin but said nothing as she continued chattering.

"I've been really picky despite being such a science nerd girl! I mean, have you even _seen_ the non-esthetic types of guys who study science? Ugh – they were no better in _Europe_ than they were _here_! None of my colleagues were the sort that any girl would dream of _coitusing_ with _someone else's_ genitals!"

"As savage as you are in your penis discerning, I guess this proves there _is_ a God!" Phoenix slumped back on the sofa. "Amongst my long list of sins and deviant perversions over the years, I can at _least_ take pride in saying that _deflowering an innocent maiden_ during a mindless moment of casual sex _wasn't_ amid them!"

"Jeez, was _that_ the problem?" Ema teased, her eyes twinkling with mirth. "You should have just _said_ so, Mr. Wright! It didn't have to be _casual_ with us at all!"

"Huh?" The card shark eyed her blankly.

"I mean… you _totally_ could worn a _tie_!"

" _Gah_! For crying out loud, Ema!" Phoenix didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "That _wasn't_ what I meant and you _know_ it!"

"OK fine! It was a totally ridiculous thing to say!" Her orbs were dancing with merriment now. "I should have asked you to put on the _entire famous blue suit_! I most certainly wouldn't have posed any _objections_!"

" _EMA_!"

* * *

 _Kurain Village_ – April 30, 2026

 _Ring, Ring!_

"Hello?"

"Hello, have I reached Fey Manor?"

"Yes, this is Pearl Fey. How may I assist you?"

"I'm looking to speak with the Master of the Kurain Channeling Technique. Is she available?"

There was a pregnant pause while the teenage spirit medium swallowed back the painful lump in her throat, then struggled to answer the devastating question.

" _Hello_?" The other voice on the line said uncertainly, after a few more seconds of dead silence on the line. "Are you still there? May I speak to Maya Fey, please?"

"I –I'm sorry to tell you this. But unfortunately… Mystic Maya is no longer with us."

 ** _Usher – U Remind Me_**

* * *

 _A/N: Thanks to Ariastella for the crazy drug background suggestions and to funny man Czar Thwomp for adapting some of Fox Boy's mind numbing wannabe gangsta lingo in his side-splitting FF, **Debauched Steel** in the Wocky chapter he wrote, which I used for some research in this chapter. Check it out – in case you haven't seen his reviews on my stuff, the guy's a riot!_

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!_

 **Chapter 21**

 **PeoplepersonsofDooM**

You _must_ be psychic…I was picking up where I left off just days after you wrote this as I am a week or so hiatus from TE…SOLE awesome chick who publicly admits to reading and reviewing this story and author of THE funniest self-insert FF ever written! (* _The Fated Turnabout*_ guys, it's _hilarious_!) Not that I am knocking my fantastic fellas who let me know they've gotten a good chuckle at poor Nick's expense, seriously, it's nice to have another hen in the fox's den! :p

Hee! I love torturing poor Dick almost as much as I do _Nick's_ …. never mind, too easy! XD

I would love to have Dr. Mann pop up again as I am having a blast with this latest OC of mine! (also am open to suggestions!)

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing with your indelible wit hun!

 **CzarThwomp**

 _"Well, that makes two favors that Phoenix owes Winfred: One for not killing him in People Park after his episode with Franziska and another for the protection services that he provided for Phoenix to keep Bruno's goons from 'persuading' the ex-attorney to make Viola an honest woman after his one-night stand with her. Now it all makes sense why Phoenix was so quick to push Wocky's case on Apollo."_

Like everything you write in your reviews my friend, this was just too damn funny not to actually quote verbatim! XD

Although to be fair it could be that Viola is actually a traditionally good little Italian girl and could very well only be letting her mouth and her backdoor be the only orifices that she will allow penetration for seeing as how she didn't go traditional despite the "mouth present" as she initially offered Phoenix to _"chuck it in me dumpa!"_ Nick could easily argue that her virtue was still intact! Hee, hee, hee!

That being said that has to be the most hilarious and unique head canon about why Phoenix was so quick to push Wocky's case on Apollo… thanks for the idea! You're _Debeste_! I figured he would like the angle with the idiot boy pretty much setting himself on fire in the name of science and his sadistic Daddy tackling maniacally the whole time!

 **Joeclone**

I have way too much fun with puns! Names are my particular specialty and I'm happy you got a kick out of it! Suhkdeep actually is a Punjabi name I could not make that up if I tried! The rest of Doctor Mann's name and family history just kind of rolled from there! XD

 **napoleon32**

 _"Ew, Sal Manella. I need a shower and a Pepto-Bismol now."_

This was as funny as hell and no doubt how Gumshoe feels every time he looked at Phoenix and remember seeing his naked body handcuffed to Lotta's bed!

I really appreciate you sharing that wonderful head canon about Furio – I never thought I'd be able to work it in as I've never written about any of the characters from _Recipe for Turnabout_ case!

You know this is the equivalent AU border lending twilight zone realm when the words " _listen to Gumshoe"_ come out of one of my readers! The funniest part is that his latest sexcapade/ER with Dee wasn't even a case where alcohol could really be blamed… Could it just be that by proxy Phoenix has inherited the luck of Gumshoe's wife a.k.a. goddess of misfortune? If that's the case a session with _"Dommy Goddess of Law"_ may be a bit too much for the poor guy as he has already suffered enough! XD

 **thepudz**

You're very welcome for the dedication, Roo. My Australian lingo has expanded beyond dingoes since I have known you! The flying balls from the pits of hell anecdote was inspired by the infamous Richard Gere and gerbil folklore for many years ago… Picturing the poor little guy catapulting out from the Depths of Hades… Feel free to look up that story if you're not familiar with it but I guarantee you'll probably need both eye _and_ brain bleach afterward! :p


	23. Clash of the Swords

_A/N: Who wants to see Wocky in the Playboy Bunny costume which inspired last chapter? The fan art is called_ _Prostitution Apocalypse Wocky_ _by emlan or you can see it here: imgur dot com/bM0RMFu  
Warning - mondo disturbia! XD_

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty-Three:** **Clash of the Swords **_**  
**__Wright Anything Agency_ – July 10, 2026

Phoenix found himself in a reflective but uncharacteristically upbeat mood as he strode down the hall, without his usual torpidity, towards the former Wright Talent Agency. It was now known as the Wright Anything Agency, as Apollo Justice had at last joined Trucy and her father as the agency's latest addition.

The red attorney was now armed with the latest arsenal the pianist had just equipped him with at the courthouse in the _State vs. Machi Tobaye_ case, courtesy of the poker champ's dear old friend with whom he'd recently become reunited, Detective Ema Skye.

The spiky-haired man was smiling to himself as he remembered the flummoxed expression on the young lawyer's mien when he'd been bequeathed the mysterious evidence – fragments of a firecracker found at the crime scene. It would surely secure Apollo's victory in the mysterious murder trial, even though in doing so, unconventional means needed be utilized, and an inconvenient suspect would be brought to light.

Nonetheless, it was just as the card shark and Ema had been discussing during their discreet tête-à-tête sessions ever since Phoenix's latest homicide acquittal. Under the current court system, it would not be easy to indict the true perpetrators. Drastic measures needed to be done, and some things desperately needed to be changed. It wouldn't be an overnight solution, of course, but Phoenix was confident that between himself and the justice-seeking science enthusiast, they could come up with a solution to bring down the corruption behind the Dark Age of the Law.

Of course, it wasn't purely business talk whenever he met up with the Snackoo muncher. The two comrades genuinely did bask in one another's company. Most of their late night coffee or dinner get-togethers included tons of catch-up chats and countless rounds of laughter. Phoenix especially got a kick out of hearing Ema's daily dose of trash-talking the _glimmerous fop_ who was her present superior!

The former lawyer was still rejoicing in the simple pleasure of having a strictly platonic female in his life after so long. A genuinely warm-hearted, true-blue friend who wanted absolutely nothing from him – except the pleasure of his _company_ – _not_ his _body_! Ever since he'd put the brakes on their nearly carnal encounter, nothing of the sort had never come up again. She not only didn't begrudge him anything, she seemed to be enjoying their camaraderie as much as he was. Liking him just for being _him_ was what set Ema apart from all the other women he'd known over the years, and her amity was like a soothing medicine to his lonely, battered soul.

 _I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone. This warm, comfortable, uncomplicated relationship makes me realize I've not only been looking for love in all the wrong places, but how I've stupidly been believing a warm body for the night would fill the void in my heart, when what it always ultimately ended up doing was making me feel even worse._

Phoenix entered the premises and made a beeline for the bar fridge, grabbing a cold grape juice and leaning back against it, lost in thought.

 _Thank God for Ema Skye; the sweet, bubbly teenage girl who grew up into a witty, intelligent companion I wholly adore. Even though I have to keep our hangouts on the down low, so Trucy doesn't get her hopes up about the world's grumpiest detective being a "new mommy" contender, I can't get over how much I enjoy our twice weekly meet-ups. She'll do her bad German impersonation of Klavier, or we'll just laugh about the stupid things the drunks at the Borscht Bowl did, or what crazy antics occurred with people at the courthouse or precinct. I feel like my life doesn't completely suck now that I have Ema back in it – even if I still do get the occasional pang about who she reminds me of._

He forced himself to stifle that particular twinge of nostalgia before he went on yet another wistful downward spiral, twisted the cap off the frosty bottle and took a long swig while he continued his musings about the pretty brunette.

 _Nevertheless, that woman's been my lifeline. With just her friendship and support alone, she's made me realize that you'll have bad times, but it'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to. She makes it easier for me to legitimately smile now. Side by side, we hope for a better tomorrow – me getting my badge back and Ema finally achieving her forensics dream, even if she has to go back to Europe to take the test again._

He sighed.

 _I wish I had the monetary means to go to The Continent. Apparently that's where they have that coveted court structure she keeps mentioning to me. Hmmm, even though I haven't heard from him in ages, I should shoot Edgeworth an email and ask him more about that jurist system. Last time I checked, his Interpol assignment had him at least passing through Borginia…_

The unanticipated loud knocking at the door lurched him out of his reverie. Trucy and Apollo were still at the courthouse, and Ema was at work. He hadn't been expecting anyone, so he had no inkling who it could be. There was a perplexed crinkle in his forehead as he went to greet his surprise guest.

 _Who_ _ **else**_ _from my fan club wants a piece of me?_ He thought dryly. _I'd have hoped good ol' Ema would have spread the word on my behalf that I have put my admittedly overused dong into retirement now and am now living the tranquil Zen existence of a celibate monk!_

He swung open the door, his shocked mind barely having time to register the unforeseen sight of his visitor before a sharp, blinding impact stole the breath from his lungs while simultaneously annihilating everything that surrounded him.

Phoenix's vision blurred, and everything became fuzzy as his consciousness dissolved through an empty space filled with a thick static. He found himself hurtling to an invisible floor, all feeling in his body draining away, until finally everything was black.

* * *

 ** _Flashback_**

 _Zheng Fa_ – April 30, 2026

 _Ring, Ring!_

"Hello?"

"Hello, have I reached Fey Manor?"

"Yes, this is Pearl Fey. How may I assist you?"

"I'm looking to speak with the Master of the Kurain Channeling Technique. Is she available?"

There was an awkward pause on the line.

" _Hello_? Are you still there?" The caller frowned in perplexity. "May I speak to Maya Fey, please?"

"I –I'm sorry to tell you this." Pearl's voice shook slightly. "But unfortunately… Mystic Maya is no longer with us."

The announcement was quite unbelievable. Shocking, really. The caller's mind was sent reeling, unable to comprehend or process what had just been said. Blinking rapidly and taking deep breaths to quell the mounting dismay the news had stirred within him, he coerced himself not to get emotional just yet, and allowed his professional instincts to take over. After all, he'd been trained to deal with this kind of situation on numerous occasions.

"I hesitate to jump to any illogical conclusions," he began evenly, even though his knuckles were gripping the phone receiver so tightly, they'd turned white. "But based on what's just been conveyed to me, am I to take it to mean that Maya Fey… has _passed away_?"

There was a strange silence following the question, and he could hear Pearl hesitating with her next words, as though struggling with how much information to relay to a nameless stranger over the phone. However, just as he was about to divulge who he was, the girl spoke again, sounding less morose and more uncertain.

"No, I don't believe Mystic Maya is deceased…"

The feeling of relief that would result from this elucidation would come to him later.

"….she just hadn't been here for a long time, and I don't know if or when she ever will be again. So, in the meantime, if there's nothing _I_ can help you with, sir…"

 _No_! He mustn't allow the spirit medium to terminate this call! What he needed was further clarification, although knew it wouldn't be received until he revealed his identity.

"Miss Fey – Pearl, please don't go just yet." He cleared his throat. "I apologize for not disclosing who I was sooner – I should have realized you wouldn't recognize my voice after so many years– but it's _me_. Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth."

Pearl emitted a startled gasp.

"Mr. _Eh-ji-worth_?! My goodness, it's been so long! I apologize for not realizing who you were! I can't believe it's _you_! H – How have you been?"

The magenta-clad man attempted to speak in a manner with less of his normal curtness and appear more cajoling.

"I'm fine, thank you. I must profess to also being rather _relieved_ since you've enlightened me that your cousin is _not_ dearly departed! But what did you mean when you said you don't _believe_ she's deceased? Does this mean you don't _know_?"

"I _do_ know Mystic Maya isn't up in heaven with her mother and sister, because I can't channel her," Pearl explained resignedly. "Unfortunately that's _all_ I know!"

"What do you mean?" Edgeworth wasn't sure how many more of these bizarre conversational curveballs he could handle. "You're Maya Fey's closest living relative! How can you _not know_?"

"I haven't seen or heard from her in _seven years_ , when she went away on her last training course overseas!" The teen confessed miserably. "The _sole_ correspondence I've gotten from her ever since was a single handwritten letter. It instructed me to continue with my spiritual studies and become acting Kurain Master in her absence, and eventually, in her _place_. It also cited that these were her final wishes for me, so I have no choice but to obey, even though it's the last thing I ever wanted! And that's all the information I have to tell you, Mr. Eh-ji-worth. I'm sorry I can't tell you anything else."

There was a sniffling sound on the phone, and it sounded as though Pearl was crying now.

"It was nice talking to you again, but I have to go now. Take care. Bye."

Even after the spirit medium had rung off, the prosecutor stood there for several moments, the receiver still in his hand. His mind felt awhirl as he tried to absorb everything that'd just been relayed to him.

It all sounded too suspicious for words. There was something rotten in the state of Denmark. Of this he was certain.

Edgeworth dimly remembered Phoenix explaining the deadly history of animosity and jealousy amongst branch families of the Fey clan towards the main branch. The calculating schemer had vehemently believed the prestigious Master title should've been based on spiritual talents and capabilities, not mere birthright. These very roots had resulted in the darkly ambitious Morgan Fey trying not _once_ , but _twice_ to have her sole niece eliminated so her youngest daughter could take over the Kurain leader position.

But Morgan Fey was dead now. She'd been executed for her involvement a month after the horrific chain of events involving the Hazakura Temple incident. And yet even in death, it seemed the Lady Macbeth of Kurain have finally succeeded in getting her final wishes granted. Pearl would become Master of the Kurain Channeling Technique, whether she wanted to or not.

The prodigal prosecutor had always prided himself on his ability to tackle even the most complex situations with his usual methodical logic, and even considered himself a Chessmaster, both on the game board and in real life, because of it. A certain top hatted English gentleman he'd acquainted himself with many years ago had insisted that every puzzle had a solution. Nonetheless, _this_ particular one seemed even beyond Edgeworth's own capabilities to solve. At least, not by himself.

The _good_ news was that wherever she was, Maya Fey was still alive.

The _bad_ news was that deciphering this quandary, (which had been brought to his attention by a certain self-proclaimed Great Thief, via a particular Snackoo munching detective), had not been as easy as just assuming his best friend had been too ignorant or prideful to simply pick up the phone and ring the Master herself. Instead, it'd opened up a Pandora's Box, unleashing what appeared to be a much darker and more sinister mystery than he could've ever possibly imagined.

Slamming his hand down on the table, Edgeworth scowled at the phone as though it were the cause of all his burdens.

"I have never before seen an inanimate object be the recipient of such a baleful stare before," a female voice remarked idly. "Given your talent for glaring holes through a wall _at will_ , Little Brother, I am unable to determine whether or not if it is the _telephone_ itself or the _person_ with whom you were speaking that is the cause for your ire?"

The frustrated man glanced over his shoulder at the former prosecutor turned Interpol Agent who was casually leaning on the doorframe of his hotel bedroom and narrowed his eyes. His nerves were already slightly frayed, therefore he was not at all impressed that Franziska's blasé observation had a goading overtone to it.

He tried to keep his voice level as he jutted his chin towards the adjoining door on the far side of his lodging, which connected his room to her next door suite.

"I thought you'd retired to your own chambers for the night, _Big Sister_. After all, don't you have some _burning questions_ that need to be responded to privately, posthaste?"

"Are you referring to the innocuous inquiry Ema Skye made to Kay Faraday regarding the _Phoenix Wright Fan Club_ in the email our little ninja friend just sent me?"

The smirk on her face deepened as she saw his jaw clench ever so slightly.

"Perhaps your cravat would not have gotten so _extra ruffled_ had you not _insisted_ on being so overly inquisitive, you fool! You have no one but your _own foolish self_ to blame for reading that personal message addressed _to me_ – meant for _my eyes_ only _–_ over my shoulder!"

Edgeworth had no snippy comeback whatsoever to this admitted truth. Instead he closed his eyes and remained stodgily silent, while desperately wishing – yet _again_! – that he could _un-see_ the _salacious bit of knowledge_ he'd unwittingly acquired about his foster sister because of his most _regrettable_ moment of curiosity! The knowing glint in her eye only added insult to injury, as it indicated that his attempted aloof exterior about the whole situation was fooling no one.

" _Objection_!" He snapped, more harshly than intended. "You know very well it is not my nature to be the prying sort into private affairs, Franziska. It was never my intention to invade your privacy, but my interest was piqued since Kay chose to message you instead of _me_. This seemed most unusual, seeing as how she was _my_ assistant! Ergo, I only wanted to know if _I_ had been mentioned in her message. Believe you me, I _never_ would have willingly wished to become privy to your … impudent fan girl tendencies regarding my childhood chum!"

His unintentionally loud outburst in his attempts to defend his actions only served to make her insolent grin widen.

" _Impudent fan girl_?" Franziska drawled, waggling her black gloved forefinger at him. "Is _that_ how you choose to see this organization of people who have chosen to band together in their support for your wrongfully indicted, unjustly disbarred best friend? I'll have you know the fan club membership has always been open to _anybody_ over the age of 18, male _and_ female, so _take that!"_

The perfect prosecutors eyed each other stonily for a second before she continued her condescending speech.

"For the record, if I actually thought you would agree to it, I could have easily made you an honorary fan club member, even _in absentia_! I would think as Phoenix Wright's best friend, _you_ would be _supportive,_ rather than _scathing_ about the existence of such an organization, Miles Edgeworth! Shame on you for letting your petty jealousy cloud your judgment about the bigger picture!"

Edgeworth felt a tinge of heat mounting in his cheeks at the veracity of the statement.

" _Jealous_?" He scoffed, letting out a sardonic snort. "Now who's being not only _foolish_ but _presumptuous_ , Big Sister? Don't flatter yourself!"

Franziska appeared completely unfazed by his attempted scornful retort. In fact, it was maddeningly obvious she was thoroughly _enjoying_ provoking him now, as her smirk morphed into a full-blown, Cheshire Cat grin.

"I maintain my allegation that it is indeed _the green-eyed monster_ causing your normally stoic disposition to unravel as we speak. Why else would you be getting so defensive about how despite my own _checkered history_ with that foolish fool, _I_ have proven myself to be even more of a devoted supporter of his than even _you_ are?"

" _Hold it!_ I very much resent this baseless conjecture! For your kind information, I have not even remotely wavered in my alliance with my former courtroom rival!" Edgeworth refused to waiver from his defiant stance. "I have kept in regular touch with him all this time, until this past year, due to the undercover nature of our assignment. My loyalty to Wright has never changed, nor has my belief that he was wrongfully inculpated, not to mention framed, in that forgery allegation. I have zero issues with this fan club in support of him. What you are grossly mistaking for jealousy is naught more than great _surprise_ that _Franziska Von Karma,_ of all people, was a member, given your long-standing loathing for the man."

"Despite you pleading his case over the years to me about how Phoenix Wright was not only a worthy friend but brilliant attorney, I have simply taken longer than most to acknowledge you were right all along. I'm inclined to feel sorry for a foolish fool who foolishly spends his time foolishly – and that foolish fool of a man _does_ have _some_ charm after all."

Franziska shrugged with deliberate insouciance.

"I have officially matured enough to realize the spiky-haired fool was never my enemy, and my earlier resentment for him was unfounded. Although, for the record, I have no idea _why_ the LAPD's latest addition felt a need to turn to _me_ to answer her query."

Edgeworth cocked an incredulous brow, and she averted her gaze.

"Ema was just unsure whether or not she would be able to attain exclusive VIP Membership – which gives members a shirtless picture and newsletter access, since she's only _kissed_ , but never engaged in _Geschlechtsverkehr_ with Phoenix…"

"You mean, like _you_ did, Franziska?" Edgeworth could barely get his lips to cooperate; he was so sickened at the very notion. "Just admit it already! Along with presumably every other female member of that club, you and Wright engaged in some sort of … _sordid tryst_ , didn't you?"

She briefly faltered, her silence speaking more volume than any words, which only made him angrier.

"I'm right, aren't I? How _else_ to explain that obscene, handcuffed photo of him on the fan newsletter cover which was attached in Kay's email?! _That's_ the true reason why Ema thought a _'cattle-prodding the oyster ditch with the lap rocket'_ with him was a prerequisite, isn't it?"

Franziska's cheeks flamed as his voice rose accusingly.

"Are you _honestly_ trying to insult my intelligence and play the innocent card here, _Big Sister_?" Edgeworth gritted his teeth as he ground out his words. "Or did it never occur to you that Ema's question was redirected to yourself because _you_ are the _VICE-PRESIDENT_ of the _bloody Phoenix Wright Fan Club?!_

Franziska blinked, obviously as stunned by his uncharacteristic angry eruption as _he_ was, but she recovered swiftly as she narrowed her eyes and lifted her chin loftily.

"Who are _you_ to condemn what I do in my private affairs, Miles Edgeworth?" She tossed back flippantly. "I would have assumed _you_ still had your attentions too ensnared by your Goddess of Justice advocate to give a second thought to _my_ comings or goings!"

"Surely you don't mean _Justine Courtney_?" Edgeworth was taken aback by the mention of the busty, braided-haired brunette. "Whatever made you bring _her_ up, of all people?"

"Wasn't your enamored status with your _frau_ of the _gravity-defying, pneumatic bosom_ the reason you barely kept in touch with _me_ all this time?" The German woman challenged. "I barely heard from you at all after that courtship commenced! As is tradition, you left me behind _yet again_ , without even a backwards glance!"

"My relationship with the good judge ended over a year ago," he replied stiffly. "She claimed that it was my reluctance to settle down, as well as the fact that I seemed more besotted with my _career_ than _her_ , as the reasons."

Justine had reproached him for being an unemotional, steadfast workaholic, founded accusations he knew he couldn't deny. While he'd _cared_ for her, he'd never felt any sort of untamed, burning _passionate love_ for the judicial beauty. She'd gotten into his _blood_ , but not his heart or mind. Their breakup had been for the best, as for some reason, _something_ had always made him hold back, and his former paramour had sensed it as much.

But before he could ponder further about the accuracy – or _underlying cause_ of his ex's assertions – the fiery Franziska was already brewing up the next storm, her haughty façade utterly crumbled to dust.

"You have been single for a year, yet still remained a stranger to me? Typical of you to forget me yet again. Who knew _when_ I would have seen you again, since you barely contacted me ever since you busted that smuggling operation seven years ago?"

She pointed an accusing courtroom finger at him.

"It wasn't up until _last summer_ , when the Wolf Man assigned me to work on this undercover operation and gave you no choice in the matter, that our paths crossed again. You and I only grew close again in our conjoined efforts of trying to help out the Zheng Fa government weed out the corruption implemented by the former fake president!"

The slate-haired attorney cringed as tormenting images of Franziska and his best friend _conjoined_ in the throes of animalistic concupiscence flashed through his mind.

" _Conjoined_? _Ngh_!" He shuddered. " _Must_ you use such a term, which only serves to conjure up harrowing images of my… _Big Sister_ and Wright engaging in lewd, depraved acts of carnality?!"

" _Damn you_ , Miles Edgeworth!"

The wild mare's chest was heaving now with each ragged breath she drew.

"Just _who_ do you think you are? You don't get to play the sanctimonious, overprotective brother card with me _now_ , as a grown woman, when all our lives, you've always made it clear I'm nothing more than an inconvenient afterthought! Where do you get off, _daring_ to judge me for any of my _adult_ _indiscretions_ , while _you've_ been out cavorting and causing frothing desire amongst the female masses over the years? It is _your_ cross to bear, not _mine_ , if you're now deeply disturbed by the coerced visions of another man finding me desirable!"

Sparks of hurt and anger flew out of her gray eyes.

"Not that it's any of your business, but it was only a _one-time_ dalliance, which was never even _completed_ to fruition! My moment of _Fickerei_ with your best friend is barely a blip on the radar, since we were rudely interrupted by some cleaver-wielding maniac in a fox apron that night in People Park!"

" _People Park_?" Edgeworth exclaimed before he could stop himself. "What in God's name where you doing _there_?"

" _Phoenix Wright,_ obviously!" She exploded wrathfully, uncaring that crude manner in which she spat out the name made him flinch slightly. " _There_! All my immoral activities in gory detail, have been brought to light, Miles Edgeworth! Are you happy now?"

"No," he replied wearily, feeling utterly drained by all the bickering. "You're absolutely right Franziska. About everything. You're a grown woman, and I have no right to judge who you…have liaisons with. As you pointed out, _I've_ hardly been virtuous over the years, either. In hindsight, I know I may have appeared dismissive of you in my dedication to my work, something which cost me my last relationship. While never my intention, it's inexcusable and I'm sorry. Let's just make an agreement henceforth to keep in touch, regardless of the status of our love lives. The one caveat being that we spare one another the details of our personal matters as much as possible!"

The firecracker femme paused for a moment, her sharp gaze peering searchingly into his, before the anger drained from her face and she gave a subdued nod.

"As you wish, _Little Brother_ ," Franziska said quietly, then without another peep, turned around and left, leaving a very conflicted, wholly confused, and still undeniably jealous Miles Edgeworth in her wake.

* * *

 _Zheng Fa_ – May 1, 2026

The prosecutor heard the ringing sound coming from his computer monitor, and quickly rushed over to accept the incoming video chat. An ebony-haired young woman, with a visible key in her ponytail, was beaming at him on the screen.

"Yo, Mr. Edgeworth! Have _I_ got news for _you_!"

In her early 20's now, Interpol Agent Kay Faraday still bore the same striking features and jovial cadence from her teenage days. She was presently bouncing in her seat with her familiar, childlike exuberance, obviously bursting to tell him her latest information.

"Good Morning, Kay." Edgeworth replied. "Is it safe to assume that despite making the request to you just last night, you already have information for me with regards to the whereabouts of the missing village leader?"

"Sort of. When I ran a trace on the plane records that left Los Angeles in April 2019, there was only one on April 17, to Zheng Fa," Kay informed him. "Unfortunately there was no return flight."

"Could this really be that easy? Is it possible Miss Fey has been in the very country I'm presently stationed in, all this time?" Edgeworth crossed his arms as he mulled this over. "Or should I be more worried about the fact that she came to this country seven years ago – and then never _left_?"

"I'm sorry I don't have a bigger update for you, even though getting the plane records was a cakewalk," she apologized sincerely. "To be honest, it was harder getting a hold of _you_ since you went undercover last year and basically disappeared!"

"How _did_ you manage to get a hold of me? I was more concerned with trying to track the whereabouts of Miss Fey to even inquire about that previously."

"That was a game of real life _Chinese Whispers_ if there ever was one!" She sniggered. "Apparently your pal Phoenix Wright has been a complete emotional wreck all these years, and Ema surmised the reason he was such a mess probably stemmed from mourning the loss of his former legal assistant, who'd vanished without a trace. So she told Gummy how distressed the poor guy's been. While concerned as well, naturally, the big lug had no way of reaching you anymore, either. But it seems both detectives figured _you'd_ be the sole other person who would snap your BFF out of this funk, or at least get to the bottom of things!"

"No pressure at all there!" Edgeworth remarked wryly.

"I know right? So in the meantime, Gummy messaged his dear old mentor, Uncle Badd, who in turn messaged Agent Lang, who then tasked _me_ with tracing you and Ms. Von Karma. You guys did such a good job of moling underground near the mountainside military base that even the Wolf Man couldn't reach you!"

Kay paused for a breath.

"So I had to get innovative! In the end, I was able trail the burning welted path of your partner in crime… _solving_ , tee hee! Since she only joined you over there about a year ago, her contact information wasn't as outdated. Well _that_ , plus I investigated the medical records of the presumably corrupt officials who needed be treated for whip wounded injuries! There was way too many consecutive victims for them to be merely ranch related accidents!"

Edgeworth sighed, even though a slight smile tugged at his lips upon hearing to what lengths of untraditional methods the next generation Yatagarasu had been resorted to.

"I told my Big Sister she was getting a bit too whip happy, although I suppose in the end, if that's how you got a hold of us, it made it all worthwhile. I can't help but wonder though…once you knew our whereabouts, _why_ you chose to message Franziska instead of myself?"

"Don't worry Mr. Edgeworth I still love _you_ more!" Kay flashed a cheeky grin. "But Ema managed to get a hold of my contact information through Uncle Badd – she and I were friends back in the day remember? So we started engaging in some girl talk – like how neither of us have yet taken the _paddle up coochie creek_! Then she mentioned how in spite of your bestie not technically _putting his wand in her chamber of secrets_ …"

 _Oh dear Lord!_ _**Ema**_ _too?!_ The aghast Edgeworth moaned internally. _Is there_ _ **no**_ _woman of shared acquaintance whose loins Wright_ _ **hasn't**_ _sullied over the years?!_

"…she was still gung ho on joining that fan club! However, President Iris wasn't reachable, so Ema wasn't sure if she qualified, since she'd never actually _done squat thrusts in the cucumber patch_ with Mr. Wright…"

 _Gah!_ _Where does the girl come up with these depraved euphemisms? Here I thought the aforementioned term in her email to Franziska was bad enough – but she's somehow managed to trump her ability to swear me off_ _ **oysters**_ _for life! Can't she just stick with tried and true, less vulgar terms? Like 'going heels-to-Jesus' or 'praying with the knees upwards' or even 'opening the gates of Mordor?!'_

The lawyer face palmed. _Hard_. Kay winced sympathetically.

"Er, that looked kinda painful Mr. Edgeworth!"

 _Nowhere near as painful as this conversation has been! I used to play toy soldiers with Wright as a child! How is it I'm now forced to hear how he's been standing at attention and opening fire on the battlefields of every woman I've ever known?_

"Sorry, I keep forgetting this is the same guy you used to play video games with as a kid! Anywhore, the untainted detective got nowhere trying to contact the group directly for answers. They told her she might have luck reaching the vice president, who happens to be Ms. Von Karma. I figured if anyone would know where _you_ were, it would be _her_ , so I managed to kill two birds with one stone by messaging _her_ first!"

Kay appeared to finally be finished, and proudly raised a brown-gloved index beneath her nose, waiting for the chess champ to speak.

Instead, she noted the still-silent prosecutor had folded his arms tightly over his broad chest, his expression annoyed as he commenced his infamous impatient finger tapping.

"Um, what's up, Mr. Edgeworth? You seem…perturbed?"

"So, that's all she wrote?" His voice was clipped as he eyed her coolly. "Your long winded – and, might I add, _traumatizing_ – explanation about why you messaged Franziska was even lengthier than your _actual information update!"_

"Um, yeah, sort of, for _now_ …." Kay trailed off awkwardly and shrank back under his icy stare. "I mean, I didn't have much to go on! But if you give me a bit more time…"

"Is that truly _all_ you have to tell me?!" He glared at her in disbelief. "Then why did you lead into this conversation under false pretenses by commencing with the words: _Have I got news for you_!"

"Oh _that_!" She brightened again, her previous discomfited moment vanquished. "I was super stoked to tell you some fellow _otaku_ news! You know how I'm a _Jammin' Ninja_ freak? Well I figured _you'd_ be going through _Steel Samurai_ withdrawal, what with being out in the sticks!"

"Western Asia, Kay. Hardly the middle of nowhere. Also, I have no idea where you got the cockamamie impression that I give a toss about some children's samurai show…"

"Yeah, yeah, quit being so defensive, cuz you're fooling _nobody_ , you big ol' _weebo_!" She guffawed at his indignant expression. "Or if that's too extreme, should I stick with calling you my fellow _otaku_? Hee! Anyways, you're right next door to The Kingdom of Khura'in, so you may have access to this awesome show I've discovered called _The Plumed Punisher: Warrior of Neo Twilight Realm!_ You should _totally_ check it out!"

"I have no interest in such mindless, jejune frivolities," he replied icily. "Nor do I know why _you_ would fathom I would!"

"I thought you'd appreciate unwinding with some lighthearted frivolity, Mr. Edgeworth! It seems like you're working too hard. In fact, you seem downright _tense_ ," Kay noted, her green eyes twinkling with mischief. "You've got little wrinkly lines on your brow…"

" _Ngh_!" He recoiled in outrage. "Of all the nerve! I inform you that there is not a single crinkle upon my youthful brow!"

"…and you have zombie-worthy dark circles under your eyes, like you didn't sleep well," she continued, totally undaunted by his darkening expression. "Perhaps checking out the show will have you loosen up a tad?"

Edgeworth was inwardly fuming at his friend's brazen astuteness.

 _Kay doesn't realized how accurate her observation is! I'm certainly not going to admit that post altercation with Franziska, I tossed and turned the entire night, wondering why the idea of her copulating with my best friend bothered me so much_!

"I've got to go now," he said abruptly. "Please let me know if you get anything else pertaining to Miss Fey's whereabouts."

With that he rung off.

* * *

 _ **Half an hour later…**_

 _Ring! Ring!_

"Hello, Agent Kay Faraday speaking."

"Kay, it's Miles Edgeworth. How did you manage to check out that _Plumed Punisher_ show when you're over there in Europe? I've spent the last 30 minutes scouring for it online, but I keep getting firewalls and redirected to sites with _recipes for plums_ or the ones about the _Marvel_ action hero, _The Punisher_!"

"You were looking up the show?" The Great Thief asked innocently. "Whatever were you looking up such _mindless, jejune frivolities_ for, Mr. Edgeworth?"

 _Ugh! Shut-up, Kay!_ Edgeworth moaned inwardly, realizing he probably deserved to be ribbed _somewhat,_ but not relishing how much she seemed to be rejoicing her minor triumph, as her plainly derisive tone belied her innocuous question.

" _Ngh_! Franziska's older sister Kirsten, in Germany, has a teenage daughter. My niece, Genevieve, is interested in these sorts of things, ergo I figured for _her_ sake, I'd be a good _Onkle_ Miles and see if it's even worth looking into…"

"Gee, Mr. Edgeworth, of _course_ you can't access the show online!" Kay said slyly. "It's only available in Khura'in! If you hadn't hung up in such a hurry, I'd have _told_ you that _myself_!"

The barely suppressed laughter was evident in her cadence now. The logical genius pursed his lips and mentally counted to ten.

"Egad, woman! If such is the case, _why_ would you tell me about it then?!" He demanded peevishly. "And _how_ did you know about it?"

"Oh, well naturally a Great Thief like myself has my _sources_!" She bragged playfully. "I got um, a burnt DVD copy from an unknown source, who's _Debeste_ at finding these pirated things. Bless his geeky heart, _he_ has no qualms admitting he's a die-hard _Nickle Samurai_ fan! Now, normally I'd _never_ involve an upstanding man of the law, like yourself, to partake in _anything_ that came from the shady black market …"

" _Kay_ _Faraday_ , I swear…" Edgeworth uttered warningly.

"But since I know this is all in the name of you being _a good uncle_ , I have zilch qualms with sending you a digital copy of the entire series!" She chirped "It's a huge file, so it may take a bit – _stand-by_!"

* * *

 _ **48 binge-watching hours later…**_

 _Zheng Fa_ – May 3, 2026

The sharp clacking of keyboard was so loud, Franziska could hear it from the other room.

 _SteelSamurai4Life_ _ **: Something is rotten in the Kingdom of Khura'in! This is an outrage! A sham! A travesty! A greater malevolence than even The Evil Magistrate himself!**_

Edgeworth typed furiously, so busy with his incensed task that he didn't even notice the German woman had come up right behind him, until she gave him a sharp poke on the shoulder.

"What is it, Franziska?" He asked grumpily, his fingers still poised over the keys.

"Miles Edgeworth, what are you doing you, foolish fool?" She asked crossly. "I can hear you hammering away at your poor, abused keyboard all the way from _my_ room!"

"Sorry," he mumbled blearily, before turning his gaunt face back towards the monitor. "I shall try to keep it down."

She stared into his haunted, shadowy eyes and raised an eyebrow.

" _Meine Gott_! Little Brother, pray tell, why do you have such dark rings under your eyes that would rival even a raccoon's? Have you not slept _at all_ for the past two days?" Franziska peered over his shoulder to study the computer screen. "Wait – this isn't even _work_ related! Are you on some sort of _fan message board_?!"

"It's the _official_ forum for this ridiculous drivel Kay sent to me! What Khur'ain dares claim as an original show, called _The Plumed Punisher_!"

"I see by the address bar that you're somehow linked onto the limited Khur'ain network. However did you manage such a feat?"

"The show is only exclusively aired on Khur'ain television, so Kay had to get me special online access."

"Surely that is the _finest_ utilization of Interpol resources I have ever heard of in history!" She jibed, but he was barely paying any mind to anything but his mission at hand. "I cannot _believe_ this is how you have chosen to waste your free time, you fool! The esteemed logical genius, Miles Edgeworth, behind closed doors is an overaged … _geeky fan boy_!"

"You should see for yourself what _larceny_ this show is of _The Steel Samurai_ , Big Sister!" He snarled, jabbing an infuriated fingertip onto the screen. "It's – it's a _farce_!"

"You are _unbelievable_!" She put a hand on her hip, her tone rife with disapproval. "Don't you know Lang will have a _world-class fit_ over the fact that you used Interpol satellite uplinks for _this_?"

"Well, _let_ the Wolf Man bear his fangs and have a conniption if he wishes!" Edgeworth grumbled, turning to face the computer again. "He can just _bill_ me! I can afford it!"

"I'm going back to bed, you fool hearted, foolish fool," Franziska sighed with resignation as she turned to leave. "Try to keep the click-clack down, or else the next time I enter your chambers, it will be to make you taste my whip for once again robbing me of my beauty sleep!"

"Goodnight," he replied distractedly, then continued on his enraged warpath, still quivering with fury at the bastardization of his favorite TV show.

 _Subject:_ _Clash of the Swords –An Inconvenient Truth_

 _SteelSamurai4Life_ _ **: I am the judge and jury, so here is my verdict!**_

 **The Plumed Punisher: Warrior of Neo Twilight Realm** _ **show is NOT**_ _ **deliberate homage, but a not-so sneaky purloining at its worst…of a true legendary hero, the Steel Samurai!**_

 _ **It is blatantly insulting how it doesn't even try to hide that it's naught more than an utterly despicable RIP-OFF of a far more superior, and utterly innovative American show – especially the theme song!**_

 ** _Even worse, based on the comments I am seeing on these message boards, it's perceived to be the greatest thing since Ramen noodles! It's downright poppycock how these ignorant philistines of Khur'ain believe this unapologetic pilferage is an original Khura'Inese show! Unbelievable! This Princess Rayfa can't even hold a candle to the Pink Princess which she is a poor imitation of! The villain and his henchmen are too laughable to be believable – what kind of a name is Dhurke?! Defiant Dragons?! Preposterous! This show in naught more than a shameless rip-off of the far superior, pitifully imitated but never duplicated original,_ The Steel Samurai: Warrior of Neo Olde Tokyo!** _ **Why, I have half a mind to call up the copyright lawyers of Global Studios!**_

Leaning back on his swivel chair, he smiled smugly at his rant, pleased with how well he'd worded his vitriol without resorting to profanity – although he was mentally letting forth a daisy chain of curses in his mind! With a gratified smirk, the prosecutor posted his tirade, then leaned back and closed his fatigued eyes.

A moment later, he heard a chime, indicating he had a personal message.

 _ **Wicked awesome! I can't believe there is another Steel Samurai fan out there! This country denies the existence of anything else, because these restricted boards are only accessible in this country, as is the show! I first fell in love with it back in Los Angeles! How about you?**_

Edgeworth jerked up in his seat, his heart pounding with anticipation. Another _Steel Samurai_ fan! What were the odds? And they'd _liked_ his post!

 _I guess this wasn't such a waste of my time after all, Franziska! Take that!_

Eagerly, he hurriedly typed out a reply.

 _SteelSamurai4Life_ _ **: I am delighted to see there is someone else out there who knows the truth – that this series is nothing more than a cheap attempted copy of the initial glory that was the Steel Samurai!**_

The moment he hit post, however, an angry message popped up in _red_ block letters across the screen.

ATTENTION _STEELSAMURAI4LIFE._ YOUR ACCOUNT HAS BEEN PERMANENTLY BANNED DUE TO DISPARAGING AND/OR INAPPROPRIATE CONTENT.

" _Ngh-ooooooooooh_! Surely thou jest!" Edgeworth shouted at the computer, paying no heed to Franziska's previous whip warning if he disturbed her slumber again. "What kind of backwards, fascist/ dictator/tyrannical society _is_ this?! How _dare_ they ban me just for bringing an inconvenient truth to light?! Well I'll show them! I'll just make another account! But first, what was the screen handle of that fan who just messaged me again? I'd better write it down before I forget it while trying to set up a new user name…"

Grabbing a paper and pen from the desk drawer, the prosecutor hurriedly jotted down his new _Steel Samurai_ ally's pseudonym.

As the name was scribbled onto the page, the Ace Attorney froze, and his jaw dropped open.

"Eureka!"

 _Los Angeles?!_ That had been what the user had just indicated had been the place of origin from which their love for the show stemmed. That in itself was not astounding, as the state of California had close to 100 million residents, and the most fan conventions and _otaku_ expos in all the United States. The odds were exceptionally high that one of them would travel to Asia and be on fan message boards.

A speculative smile crept over the normally stern prosecutor's visage.

But how many of them would also happen to have the screen handle: _BurgerMedium0001?_

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!_

 **Chapter 22**

 **Ilet Moratar**

I sent you the picture of the actual fan art right? If not I will do so now… There's somebody out there who is more deviant than me since they came up with the idea and turned into reality by putting him into the Playboy bunny costume in the first place!

The idea of Miles being the one to send Phoenix his harem of women so it will keep him away from his big sister sullying the nether regions of his Big Sister is sidesplitting but not the case! I can tell you that Franziska was definitely a one-time deal… I'm sure once he figures out why the idea of her playing with his best friend bothered him so much he will stop being such an Otaku and instead make her check out his Mango Man series! ;)

 **thepudz**

Wocky is _squicky_! Eye bleach approved… That was how I felt when I saw the fan art someone had actually drawn of him in a Playboy bunny costume which inspired last chapter!

I'm glad my readers can all agree that Ema is a hottie… Let's get some respect to Phoenix for actually being able to turn that down!

Don't worry dear mate, you will always be the fanfic canon character killer among us! LOL I could never bump off my all-time favorite videogame heroine! :p

 **Forgreatcoffee**

With sisters _sharing is caring_ even if ultimately if others hear about it, it's more like _scaring_! I'm pretty sure your kitten kept all mentions of your own pulsating thrill hammer to herself, since Mia was such a classy lady!

Ema was having _way_ too much fun torturing Wocky – and I think the lab coat keeps fans from putting her into the same appreciative league of beauties as Mia, Maya (aren't you glad to know I didn't kill off your almost sister-in-law, despite the evil cliffhanger from last chapter?) and Athena… I agree she is dead sexy as well!

I have decided to make it a reoccurring theme in any story possible how Phoenix Wright will always be a victim of life and ill-timed music! XD

 **CzarThwomp**

Wocky's Tic Tac… Good Lord that beats the peanut shell being used as a jockstrap line I had up my sleeve! Nevertheless, I'm happy as a clam to know you got a kick out of Ema's torturous explanation of what would need to be done to he who was victimized by April's _"deplorendousful"_ crime. It's hard to determine who was crying more _"mageausticful"_ tears of suffrage… The conniving cougar herself or April when she realizes she escape the fate worse than death by not having her loins sired with his offspring!

I am a shameless Phoenix Wright fan girl and I love that stray "Clark Kent" lock of hair on his forehead… Now I wish I could draw so I could literally draw a comic of the delightfully sidesplitting scenario you painted: Hobo by day…DILF MAN! By night! Heeeeee! Also, you could seriously start your own dictionary I swear you KILL me!

 **Joeclone**

I'm going to leave it up to you to decide if Phoenix's runaway imagination stems from his latent artistic imagination from being a failed art major, or if it was pure mass hysteria on knowing he was Kristoph Gavin's lust interest which was the root of his inner monologue! LOL

If I could pick _one_ Ace Attorney character to throw off a cliff, it wouldn't even be one of the villains it would be spoiled brat Fox Boy, whose _cojones_ probably shriveled up into raisins just hearing that gory procedure!

" _Ema's the first virgin in this story! I'm very happy about this! It's like I'm falling in love with the adorable nerd beauty all over again!"_

The Snackoo muncher is such an underrated beauty, but she now joins the rights of the equally stunning Kay Faraday of a career girl in the Ace Attorney world whose loins have not been sullied, surprisingly not by Phoenix Wright… Or _anybody_ yet! XD


	24. Unsheathing The Blade

_A/N: Hi and thanks to everyone who's reading this in spite of my infrequent updates. As of autumn, this story is two years old, and it is my goal to get it done by or before then! In the meantime, if any of you are fans of **Full Metal Alchemist,** I cranked out a one-shot paying homage to Roy Mustang X Riza Hawkeye, (AKA Royai!) called **Light My Fire.** It was my first time writing outside the AA fandom but thus far...the FMA lot has been almost as cool at the AA fans - nobody as FLAMED me (of you know Roy/the show that's actually supposed to be funny!) :p_

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty-Four:** **Unsheathing The Blade**

 _Zheng-Fa –_ May 3, 2026

Edgeworth could practically hear his heart thudding against his ribs as he stared down at the screen name of the fellow _Steel Samurai_ fan he'd jotted down. It was out of the question that the person on the message board with the tell-tale screen-handle could be anyone _other_ than Phoenix Wright's former assistant.

It _had_ to be Maya Fey! He could feel it in his bones.

Hurriedly, the prosecutor set up a new account with a different name and logged back onto the _Plumed Punisher_ chatroom. With eager anticipation, he waited for his new screen name to be verified and accepted.

There was no other way it could be some _other_ spirit medium who'd gone to Zheng-Fa in Western Asian seven years ago and was now in the country _right next door_ discussing _The Steel Samurai!_ Even if that _were_ feasible, what _wasn't_ was the likelihood of them _also_ using the screen handle _BurgerMedium0001_! The fact that the last four digits were the ATM PIN of the late Manfred Von Karma was improbable to be a coincidence, and was something _only_ Phoenix or Maya would know, since they'd been the defense team for that fateful trial.

Edgeworth knew it was impossible for his best friend to access the limited network for The Kingdom of Khur'ain from the States, since he had neither any connections nor tech savviness to speak of.

 _In fact, Wright is so technologically challenged that long after Maya upgraded him from Internet Explorer, he still didn't stop calling it the_ _ **E-Browser!**_ _Then he never ceased referring to the next two upgrades as_ _ **Mozzarella Foxfire**_ _and_ _ **The Google,**_ _no matter how many times we both corrected him!_

The attorney sat with his fingers poised over the keys, wondering how much information he could get from the suspected user without giving away too much detail, on the miniscule chance they _weren't_ who he alleged them to be. At the same time, he had to somehow convey to Maya his _own_ identity. She needed to trust that he wasn't some random person in cyberspace, but without jeopardizing her safety, in case she truly was in danger as he suspected.

 _BurgundySamurai:_ _ **BurgerMedium0001 are you still there?**_

In the wink of an eye he heard a chime followed by the immediate response.

 _BurgerMedium0001:_ _ **Hi? Have we ever spoken on here before?**_

 _BurgundySamurai:_ _ **You and I were just chatting a few minutes ago. I'm using a different account, as I got banned for my 'rant.'**_

Edgeworth paused for a moment, wracking his brain about how he could disclose who he was in the most _obvious_ yet _roundabout_ way possible.

Just then, he heard the tell-tale ding.

 _BurgerMedium0001:_ _ **Looks like they**_ _ **didn't appreciate your online 'Otaku Swordfight!' Hee! I don't think the Khurainese folks are the type to embrace neither inconvenient truths nor anyone who's at all unconventional and resists adhering to their customs or beliefs.**_

 _BurgundySamurai:_ _ **Conventionality is the refuge of a stagnant mind. I prefer to keep independent thought.**_

Suddenly inspiration struck, and he quickly added another line.

 _BurgundySamurai: …_ _**I'm too much like The Thinker sort, I suppose.**_

The lawyer could practically hear the sound of crickets following this. There was zero response. Minutes dragged by.

 _Uurrngh! Have I said too much?! Or not enough to clue her in just yet?!_

For what seemed like eons, the logical genius stared at the unchanging computer screen, wondering if the other party had lost connection, or if he had been wrong about their identity all along.

Another chime.

 _BurgerMedium0001:_ _ **I used to know someone that was an unstoppable genius in their field, but not so much an outside of the box Thinker the moment they weren't within bench proximity – particularly lost with anything even remotely hi-tech! Refused to use my typing suggestions so very often would send email replies in ALL CAPS!**_

The feisty Burger Queen apparently _still_ hadn't forgiven the "Old Man" for the unpardonable sin of hitting the _caps lock,_ and then the capital letter he wanted, followed by caps lock _again_ , when capitalizing words! So many countless times Maya claimed to have showed Phoenix the _shift key,_ but the stubborn King of the Turnabout had insisted he liked _his_ way better!

 _BurgerMedium0001:_ _ **This was in spite of being surrounded by equally brilliant colleagues, who were chock full of both logical AND tech savvy – even though they had rather dull ideas about having a good time! One in particular actually considered BOR-ING pastimes like CHESS to be fun!**_

"E-Excuse me?!" The legal eagle mumbled sulkily at this blatant impertinence. "Objection! Er, I suppose."

He crossed his arms and glared at the screen.

 _I am_ _ **not**_ _dull!_ Edgeworth fumed sullenly. _And chess is_ _ **not**_ _boring! I probably shouldn't say that out loud, though. Thank God for inner monologue. Obviously, it indubitably_ _ **is**_ _Maya after all! She's discreetly trying to ascertain if it's her ex-boss or myself at the other end, using the little known knowledge, outside Wright's inner circle, about his limited knowledge of technology and even more subpar capacity for playing checkers! Very clever girl. She and I are amongst the few who are privy to knowing details about how that techno-dinosaur barely mastered_ _ **draughts**_ _, never mind_ _ **chess!**_

The slate-haired man contemplated for a brief moment about his response, then smirked as inspiration struck.

He, Maya and Phoenix all been together for one predominantly unforgettable incident, when the spirit medium had convinced her balky employer to finally hook up the internet on his ancient computer. Edgeworth had been tasked with the painful assignment of attempting to give his clueless friend a Babbage tutorial on the information highway. This was because the blue attorney's exasperated assistant had thrown in the teacher's towel when the nonplused Phoenix had accidently dragged an entire folder into another folder, _for the umpteenth time_ – and then frantically wondered where it'd vanished!

 _BurgundySamurai:_ _ **It's hard to believe how people with such ineptitude are somehow managing to survive in the 21**_ _ **st**_ _ **century computer age, isn't it? I was very good friends with a man who was so technologically clueless, that when I told him to click on the login button to sign in to a website, he literally lifted the mouse and placed it on the monitor over the words "Log In!"**_

 _BurgerMedium0001:_ _ **Hee! That one's going down in the history books! Greetings, long lost Samurai sibling!**_

A slight grin tugged his lips. Yes, it was _definitely_ Maya.

 _BurgundySamurai:_ _ **So, in other breaking news, the Steel Samurai is finally getting another movie.  
**_ _ **  
**_ _BurgerMedium0001:_ _ **Really?! That's great, but it kinda sucks, because we probably won't get it all the way over here. But that's alright, I guess…It's been so long since I've seen that show that I almost don't miss it anymore. I guess I've been tided over well enough by The Plumed Punisher.**_

 _Nnnnrrrrgh! You have no right to call yourself a Steel Samurai fan, ever!_

Edgeworth reflexively recoiled in horror at this blasphemy from the _one_ person he had always counted on to remain faithful to his favorite childhood show.

 _To desecrate the Steel Samurai like this... This is a serious crime!_ He thought darkly. _How can she sincerely think this cheap rip-off show is an acceptable substation?! Wh-Where did that cockamamie idea come from!?_

He took a deep, calming breath and tried to think rationally.

 _Obviously being abroad so long has brainwashed her! I would never allow myself to be placated by a cheap counterfeit after knowing the Real McCoy! Why, if that were to happen...I'd eat my cravat!_

 _BurgerMedium0001_ _ **:**_ _ **Hey! Are you still there? I already know about your objections to suppose rip-offs, what are your thoughts of spin-offs? What did you think of The Pink Princess? I wonder what she would have to say about The Plumed Punisher?**_

"Humph! Wh-What _The Pink Princess_ would like to say can wait for the day after eternity!" Edgeworth huffed. "It's a barely disguised cash grab vainly attempting to ride on the coattails of glory that was _The Steel Samurai!"_

The prosecutor gave his head a firm shake in an attempt to return back to rational thought, realizing that _now_ was not the time to lecture Maya about her disloyalty and terrible taste in TV shows, but to get clues about her whereabouts and rescue her from wherever she was! Assuming she even _needed_ rescuing, in the first place!

 _Hmph. Clearly, there is a depth to this show [the Steel Samurai] that a young person like her can't fathom. But I can lecture her about how cheap duplications can never replace the original_ ... after _I assess whether or not Princess Peach is a damsel in distress – yet again!  
_  
 _BurgundySamurai:_ _**It wasn't really my cup of tea.**_ _**I've always deemed it as a program more aimed at females. However,**_ _ **I was personally very good friends with the young lady who inspired that show's creation. Unfortunately, we've lost touch ever since.**_

 _BurgerMedium0001:_ _**You really knew the actual muse for that amazeballs series? That's so neat! This sort of makes you cool again! It also kinda atones for you acting like kind of a stuck-up jerk and hating on The Pink Princess!**_

 _She's purposely goading, me about this, I just know it!_ Edgeworth glared so hard at the computer screen, he was nigh positive Maya, wherever she was, must have felt it! _I'll warn you... I've been known to be a real stuck-up jerk!_

 _BurgerMedium0001:_ _ **But I digress. Nobody's perfect! For what it's worth, I get the vibe that despite being unshakably opinionated, you seem to be a very nice person. Even though it sucks, I'm sure the reason for losing touch with the obviously very awesomesauce chick who inspired such a wicked cool show was nothing personal. I can relate to losing touch with friends. I've had to adjust to a lot of changes in my life since living here – I'm just grateful we even have TV shows! It's only in the last couple of years we've had cell towers, or even the internet – even if it is the dial-up variety! When I first arrived, no such thing existed. Heck they didn't even have an airport!**_

Edgeworth's brow furrowed at the almost abrupt shift in conversation topics. He knew Maya could be very easily excitable, even downright _random_ at times, but he honestly had no idea of where she was going with this new line of chatting!

He briefly pondered the possibility that there was a reason she was speaking so vaguely. Was she trying to placate him by alluding to the fact that she'd simply _settled_ for _The Plumed Punisher,_ simply because she didn't have access to the same Western technology that _he_ did? Or was there something more to this?

The only way he would be able to find out was indulging her.

 _BurgundySamurai:_ _ **No airport, you say? However did anyone ever get to Khur'ain?**_

 _BurgerMedium0001:_ _**At the time the airport wasn't built yet because Her Eminence believed that overhead airplanes would disrupting her spirit channeling process! When I first came here, I had to fly into one of the neighboring countries and then have a two day trek riding on donkey!**_

 _BurgundySamurai:_ _ **Surely thou jest?!**_

 _BurgerMedium0001:_ _**I wish I were! Those things are grumpy – and flatulent! – As heck! Things have changed though, because tourism brought in a lot more money to the point where we now have tour guides! And Queen Ga'ran eventually relented and wears earplugs when channeling.**_

 _BurgundySamurai:_ _ **That's quite a story. So, no internet you say? Perish the thought! So until Khur'ain finally joined the new millennium, however have you kept yourself entertained?**_

 _BurgerMedium0001:_ _**It was tough at first, not having access to a whole lot of the technology and luxury things which I took for granted in my home country. The Kingdom is comparatively smaller than the USA, but over the years, I've come to appreciate its wild, mountainous beauty and surroundings and the people. Most of my days were spent training to perfect my … craft. And I've renewed my passion for reading books. Also, I've learned to pick up a love for learning different languages!**_

Utterly perplexed, Edgeworth stared blankly at the screen. He _still_ had zero clue how to make heads or tails of this conversation! _Where_ was Maya going with this seemingly idle chit chat?! She _had_ to know who he was, and that he was trustworthy! Yet here she was, prattling on about books and languages while he'd been fretful her life was endangered! He didn't know what to make of _anything_ anymore!

 _I don't even know which way is up! Maybe I should just keep calm, and let her carry on…_

 _BurgerMedium0001:_ _ **Ever since we finally got that tiny little airport, I've met people from all over the world visiting here! In fact, a passing traveler from Paris taught me a few words and how things are similar but separate in France. For example, they have McDonald's, just like in American, but instead of a Quarter Pounder With Cheese, since they use the metric system over there, it's called Royal Cheese! Isn't that something? Also, French fries aren't really French but from Belgium!**_

Edgeworth was officially in impatient finger tapping mode now by all this inane minutiae he was already wholly aware of! Had Maya really changed this much over the years? Had the teen ingénue he'd known morphed from a charmingly non-Cosmopolitan girl with amusing quirks, but who was still nevertheless quite diligent – into a banal, trivia spouting, _nonsensical_ _babbler_?!

It was a depressing thought if such was the case. Was there no longer any evidence of the unschooled yet bright and insightful girl who'd saved him from the gallows, because she'd innovatively asked Polly the talking parrot about DL-6?!

He had always known Maya to be ever effusive, and easily entertained. Coming from a small, all female village like Kurain, both he and Phoenix had been amused, even endeared, about how she'd been easily fascinated by things which Edgeworth himself admittedly took for granted, being a worldly traveler who had spent most of his legal career in first-world nations, such as fast food and pop culture.

However, despite her lack of sophistication as a teenager, he'd found Phoenix's assistant to be witty and clever, and had never truly thought the spirit medium was the _ditzy_ sort, or the type go off on such long-winded tangents!

Edgeworth rhythmically drummed his index against his crossed arm and let out a sigh, silently willing his friend to please, _get to the point already_ – assuming there even was one?!

 _The amount of ad-libbing required for this absurd scenario is bordering on excessive!_

He paused, unsure of how to respond.

 _BurgundySamurai:_ _ **… fascinating.**_

 _BurgerMedium0001:_ _ **Well, fast-food nonsense aside, it's a pity you don't have more of an open mind about various samurai shows. Having both the Pink Princess and the Steel Samurai to compare The Plumed Punisher to, I can tell you right now that the bad guy of this show, Dhurke, has absolutely nothing on the TRUE cause of all evil... and the one who caused Her Highness so much misery, including in the episode which was my favorite one – episode 3, season 2.**_

Edgeworth narrowed his eyes at the sudden turnabout in conversation. It was beyond queer how Maya had gotten so suddenly unambiguous about an exact episode of the _Steel Samurai_ spinoff show, which she had probably deduced he had little interest in. What would make her mention the _Pink Princess_ again, rather than the original show which they actually shared a common passion for?

Keeping his sharp eyes firmly on the message, screen, he opened up a new search engine tab and dutifully typed in _The Pink Princess: Warrior of Little Olde Tokyo – episode 3, season 2._

Maya had stopped typing, as though instinctively sensing he'd be prompted into further inquiry about this precise recommendation and seemed to be waiting patiently.

The lawyer's eyes widened as he read synopsis of the episode called: _Sword of a Stranger – Unsheathing The Blade._

In this installment, the _Pink Princess_ was kidnapped, then whisked away to the sacred temple at the heart of town square, hidden away in the mountains. The whereabouts of this monk sanctuary were known only to the holy men and locals. Her nefarious abductor had ensured her silence, even while under duress, by menacingly warning her that the vitality of her lover, the _Steel Samurai_ , would be _in grave peri_ l if she refused to cooperate!

Edgeworth's mind raced as he read the summary over again. He'd been wrong to assume Maya was acting facile or daft. This was the _mother_ of all clues!

 _Eureka! Someone has_ _ **kidnapped**_ _Maya – who's_ _obviously the allegorical Pink Princess – and is now imprisoning her against her will! Apparently, she has thence been coerced into cooperating with her abductor, by being told resistance was futile! But why hasn't she tried to escape, instead of aimlessly chatting online?_

A light bulb went off over his head.

 _When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth! Much like when the_ _ **Steel Samurai's**_ _life was in jeopardy, they must have threatened that_ _ **Wright**_ _would_ _ **cease**_ _to live long and prosper, unless she complied with their dastardly demands! That's it! The key to solving this quandary is figuring out what she's trying to convey to me about the villain responsible for holding Her Highness hostage…  
_  
Another ping sounded, interrupting his musings.

 _BurgerMedium0001:_ _ **The**_ _ **villain was quite the diabolical fiend, just like when they were on The Steel Samurai! But in this episode, that bloodthirsty tête de mort was just THE WORST! Oops, it appears I've been chatting a bit too long. I've got to go. I hope I see you again on here. It's been fun!**_

 _BurgundySamurai:_ _ **Hold it! Must you leave so soon? I am most intrigued by this other show you mentioned and I think I'm sold on giving it a chance! I would love to hear more about it…**_

 _BurgerMedium0001:_ _**Je suis désolé, mon nouveau ami, mais je dois y aller! Tout est tellement plus beau en français, n'est-ce pas? Comme vous pouvez le voir, je sais plus que la nourriture! HOHN! HOHN! HOHN! HOHN! Ne pas oublier…**_ _ **L'homme de**_ _ **rockelare aubergine**_ _ **c'était le vrai mal…**_ _ **Et la clé à tout cela! Adieu!**_

And then, without further ado, Maya Fey vanished once again, just as swiftly as she'd appeared, leaving Miles Edgeworth behind with nothing but a blank computer screen and a perplexed frown in his forehead.

He resumed tapping at his forearm as he mulled over the entire bizarre exchange, which he ruefully acknowledged had been nowhere near as banal as he had initially dismissed it to be.

 _Note to self - do not, under any circumstances, underestimate the plucky spirit medium next time!_

Assuming there _was_ a _next time!_

Maya had suddenly been very adamant about having to part ways near the end, and he was wary that her impromptu departure had been more due to _necessity_ than true _desire_ to do so.

She was also much more fluent in French than Edgeworth himself was, and he cursed the choice of language she had opted for in her attempt to speak in some sort of _encrypted otaku code_! Why couldn't she have chosen _Deutsche_ or even _Español_ instead?! Even _Klingon_ would have been preferable at this point!

Having grown up in the Von Karma household, the trilingual prosecutor was fluent in German, of course, as well as Spanish, since he lived in Los Angeles, which was close to Mexico, and was the second official language of the United States. And having spent his formative education years in Europe, he spoke a smattering of the continent's most widely spoken dialects, with French and Italian being amongst them. Therefore, for the most part, he had easily understood everything she had written. Even if he hadn't, he luckily had a smorgasbord of online translators at his disposal.

Edgeworth gritted his teeth as he jotted down the French phrases Maya had used and attempted to decrypt the underlying clues within them, but which wouldn't be without some additional efforts required on behalf of his frazzled, sleep-deprived brain!

 _ **That bloodthirsty**_ _ **tête de mort**_ _ **was just THE WORST!**_

 _Head of Death? What kind of hyperbole is this?!_ He frowned in contemplation **.** _The Steel Samurai's arch nemesis does_ _ **not**_ _possess anything of the sort! Hang on! According to this translator, said term also means_ _ **skull**_ _. Skull?!_ _Was Maya was mixing up the Evil Magistrate with Skeletor?!_

Grumbling under his breath, he pulled up an online search of his beloved children's show main antagonist and blinked. The _bad guy_ did _not_ have a skull _head_ …but he _was_ noticeably wearing one as a _belt buckle_!

For some reason, Maya had been very elusive about referring to _the wicked one_ by name, but had still managed to direct the attorney's attentions to him, by mentioning one of the most key elements on his ensemble. Obviously she was referencing her kidnapper to be the malevolent force behind all of this, and indirectly referring them to having the role of The Evil Magistrate in this real life suspense drama.

 _But why didn't she just refer to him by_ _ **name,**_ _like she did with the two heroes? Why beat around the bush like that, when she_ _ **should**_ _be leaving me better clues, if she wants any hope of rescue?_

Biting back an angry mutter, Edgeworth decided to come back to The Evil Magistrate later and focused on deciphering her final message to him.

 _ **Je suis désolé, mon nouveau ami, mais je dois y aller! Tout est tellement plus beau en français, n'est-ce pas? Comme vous pouvez le voir, je sais plus que la nourriture! HOHN! HOHN! HOHN! HOHN! Ne pas oublier…**_ _ **L'homme de**_ _ **rockelare aubergine**_ _ **c'était le vrai mal…**_ _ **Et la clé à tout cela! Adieu!**_

 _I am sorry, my new friend, but I must go! Everything is so much more beautiful in French, is not it? As you can see, I know more than the food! HOHN! HOHN! HOHN! HOHN! Do not forget ... The man of rockelare aubergine was the real evil ... And the key to all that! Farewell!_

" _Aubergine_? As in the French word for _eggplant_? What kind of malarkey is this?!" Edgeworth scowled. "After bragging about knowing more words in French than just ones for _food_ , was Maya's last message, nonetheless, referencing some sort of _fodder_? _Ngh_! Never before have I encountered a girl having such a never-ending obsession with _eating_! I'm surprised Wright ever had one red cent left in his wallet, what with that insatiable appetite of hers!"

He was so lost in thought, he didn't even notice the quiet footsteps coming up behind him as he continued to ponder aloud.

"What else am I supposed to think with regards to _eggplant_ – aside from E _ggplant_ _Parmesan_ , which simply doesn't make sense? The only other symbol I can think of, thanks to Kay, is knowing that amongst the younger generation, when _texting_ the eggplant image, it's a thinly-veiled libidinous reference to the male genitalia! Nnngrrrrk! No! Maya has _never_ been so … _bawdy_! Surely _that_ couldn't be it?!"

"Whose _glied_ is being symbolized as a crude vegetable, Little Brother?" Franziska yawned from behind him, sounding drowsy but curious. "And since when do you make a habit of talking to yourself?"

The lawyer jerked in his seat and spun around guiltily to face the silver-haired woman, dressed in a loosely tied dressing gown.

"Apologies, Franziska, did I wake you again?"

" _Nein_ , my _alarm clock_ was what rose me _this_ time, you foolish fool! It is now 6:30 in the morning, _Herr All-Nighter!_ Time for you to shower and get moving, as we have a big day ahead of us!" She frowned at him disapprovingly. "What sort of foolishly foolish foolishness are you rambling about, you foolish fool? You best not be exchanging any sort of _sordid obscenities_ with young Kay Faraday, Miles Edgeworth! Have some shame! She sees you as a _father figure!_ Surely you can see my point of her being _far_ too young for you!"

 _I got your point about three "foolish"- es back, Franziska!_

Edgeworth defiantly crossed his arms and remained silent as her tone took on a steelier edge.

"Also your foolish self is far too fusty and stodgy for her – and don't try to be in denial about these all too fitting allegations!"

" _What_?" The logic lover reeled back. "I am _not_ in denial!"

"In conclusion," Franziska went on ruthlessly, as though he hadn't spoken. "You are nowhere _near_ manly enough for such a vibrant young girl!"

"What sort of-!?" Edgeworth glared at her indignantly. "Of _course_ I'm man enough!"

Realizing further arguing the point was moot, he cleared his throat and affected a mocking tone.

"Alas, you can put away your green-eyed monster, Franziska. I have no interest in Kay Faraday. The only thing which has my current attentions is this oblique French message that was relayed to me, yet in trying to translate it, I keep drawing an absolute blank."

" _Jealous_? Don't flatter yourself, Little Brother." She turned up her nose, but purposely averted her eyes as her cheeks pinkened slightly. "Whatever is this mystery phrase that's eluding you so?"

"I doubt _you'll_ know either, as the former word is not coming up on any translators, but it's _rockelare aubergine_. Even _Google_ has zero inkling whatsoever!" He said distastefully. "The first link I get is to a site called _Bible Thumping Wingnut_! So unless Miss Fey has newly discovered Christian _religion_ , I'm barking at the wrong tree!"

Franziska stared at the screen over his shoulder, a look of introspection on her still sleepy visage while he continued to speculate.

"All I know is the latter word means _eggplant_ but that's another mystery in itself…"

"It means _cloak_ ," she bluntly interrupted him mid-sentence.

"I _beg_ your pardon?" Edgeworth goggled at the now triumphant-faced German woman in disbelief.

"The word was misspelled," she answered smugly. "But _roquelaure_ is the French word for: _a cloak reaching to the knees, worn by men during the 18th century."_

"How would _you_ know such an obscure word?!" He bristled at having been bested with such minimal effort. "And how do both you _and_ Maya speak more French than _me_?!"

"Well I _did_ spend more time in Europe than you did when you left me – ah, that is, _took off_ to the States. Plus, I attended that exclusive finishing school in Switzerland," she reminded him primly. "How is it, growing up in the refined Von Karma household, your foolish self did not learn anything about colors? _Aubergine_ is not only a 'lewd' vegetable, but a _shade of purple_!"

She glanced up at the picture of The Evil Magistrate on the monitor and grimaced, while he blinked a few more times, the pieces of the puzzle slowly beginning to form together in his mind.

" _Mein Gott!_ Miles Edgeworth, you fool!" She gestured accusingly at the villain's image on the computer screen. "Are you trying to now emulate the poor style sense of that foolish scoundrel on that _even more foolish show_ your overgrown adolescent self insists on still watching?!"

She glowered at him menacingly and pointed her index at him.

" _Objection_! I will not be caught _dead_ with you in public if you adorn that garish _purple cloak_ as an attempted fashion accessory! It would be the ultimate _faux pas_!"

Edgeworth's mind reeled.

 _L'homme de_ _ **rockelare**_ _– which should have read,_ _ **roquelaure –**_ _aubergine_ _c'était le vrai mal!_

He snapped his fingers.

 _The man of the purple cloak was the real evil! There's an identifying code associated with the words_ _ **purple cloak!**_ _That's the_ _ **true**_ _reason why Maya couldn't directly name The Evil Magistrate, or even mention the obvious color of his ensemble, and instead used the more obscure skull belt buckle to identify him!_

Feeling exhilarated, the prosecutor rose quickly to his feet as a renewed source of energy surged through him and beamed at his smirking partner in crime.

"Franziska you are a _genius_!" He proclaimed admiringly, an uncommon grin stretching from ear to ear on his mien as he saw her startled expression at the unexpected praise. "I could just _kiss_ you!"

"Please do no such thing!" Franziska wrinkled her pert nose, even though her cheeks turned even rosier at the effusive exclamation. "It appears you not only _haven't showered_ for the last two days you have been playing night owl, but you have not even brushed your teeth _on_ _top_ of that! Moreover, I can smell the foul evidence of the _coffee_ you must have been consuming in order to stay up for the last 48 hours!"

"Why don't you go down to the hotel lobby café and order us some breakfast? I'm going to take a quick shower and join you there in about 15 minutes," Edgeworth promised, wrapping his arms around Franziska swiftly and giving her a huge hug of gratitude while her blush deepened. "I'm wide awake, I assure you, and swear to you on my prosecutor's badge – I have nil intention of dressing like a man from the 18th century!"

"I suppose I can believe that!" Franziska couldn't resist getting in the last word when he finally released her, face still flushed from the uncustomary contact, but now bearing an amused smile. "That cravat of yours originated in the _17_ _th_ _century,_ if I am not mistaken! A _roquelaure_ _aubergine_ would be too _modern_ of an update for the likes of _you_!"

"Your keen interest in my ensemble has not escaped me, Big Sister," Edgeworth smirked. "It's _very flattering_. I promise to shower, shave, and be a man of _impeccable hygiene_ when I meet you downstairs in a quarter hour."

"Fine. I shall hold you to that," she returned blithely, tossing back her hair as she headed to the door which adjoined their suites. "It won't take me very long to get dressed. Do not be late for our breakfast date, Miles Edgeworth! Or you will taste my whip as the _amuse-bouche_ for your morning meal!"

Edgeworth's mind was racing at a million miles an hour as he hastily grabbed his phone and punched in a familiar number.

"Good Morning, Kay. Apologies for the early hour but I need to ask you for an important favor…"

* * *

 _Kurain Village_ – May 4, 2026

In spite of being no stranger to undercover work, given the delicate nature of the assignment she was doing, The Great Thief was slightly disquieted as she dialed the number.

 _So much is riding on me pulling this off. I can't afford to mess up and let Mr. Edgeworth down, and risk endangering the life of a friend of his!_

Kay swallowed apprehensively as the phone on the other end rang for the fourth time .

"Do not even _think_ of making any ' _May the Fourth Be With You!'_ pop culture jokes to whoever may answer the phone!" The prosecutor had instructed firmly. "Just stick with the script we discussed, and do not break character _even for a moment_! These people probably don't even have _cable_ installed, so the reference would go right over their heads! And even if they _are_ now modernized, I highly doubt those old village cronies who talk to the dead have much of a sense of humor!"

"You're making me nervous, Mr. Edgeworth!" Kay had protested. "Wait – these people can seriously talk to dead people?! Like in the movies? Like real ghosts and stuff? That's the kind of spook racket Maya Fey is running?! Holy shit-balls! I can only imagine what her midi-chlorians levels are like!"

Edgeworth sighed.

"We're getting off topic, Kay," he replied stiffly. "Truth be known, I detest talk of supernatural drivel. Just use your best acting skills and lay it on thick with the grief-stricken spiel."

"I still don't understand why you couldn't call Kurain yourself if you're so worried I may mess this up?"

"For the same reason I cannot go visit the village myself. When I spoke of this to Detective Badd, he reminded me that by calling, I'd risk my voice being recognized, as I apparently have distinctive intonation. Moreover, since I've physically gone up there in the past, my allegedly famous face may be remembered, which would blow the whole operation."

Edgeworth's cadence turned reassuring.

"Last but not least, being a matriarchal society, as a female, you would be automatically deemed more trustworthy and arouse less suspicion, as women tend to not only be more spiritual in capabilities, but have deeper beliefs in these… _things_."

"But I'm not familiar with any of this channeling business! Wouldn't Ms. Von Karma have been a better bet to do this?"

"For _one_ thing, her voice and face would be equally as recognizable as mine, since she also has been up there in the past. And _secondly_ …" his tone grew rich with uncharacteristic amusement. "Can you seriously picture _Franziska_ playing the timid, demure _grieving_ card?"

Kay clapped a gloved hand over her mouth to smother back a giggle at the absurd thought.

"Yeah, good point. OK, I'll do my best."

"You'll be fine. As trite as this is going to sound…" he cleared his throat. "I believe in you, Kay. You can do this. Thank you once again for your help, and please call me as soon as you have an update."

By the fifth ring, _butterflies_ be damned – the Yatagarasu's stomach felt as though a giant _raven_ was rapidly flapping its wings within her stomach! Was _nobody_ going to answer?!

She was just about to replace the receiver back in the cradle when she heard a brusque voice on the other end.

"Hello, this is Fey Manor," a polite but not exactly warm female voice answered the line. "How can I help you?"

Kay's pulse accelerated. She couldn't believe she'd just been about to _hang up!_

"Good day." She turned on her most diminutive voice. "I'm looking for Maya Fey, please?"

"Mystic Maya is currently away. Is there something I can help you with?"

"I hope you can still help me, even if your leader isn't around." Kay focused on sounding both sad and uncertain. "My dear aunt passed away most suddenly, and my darling uncle has been taking it very hard. My family was hopeful that he could get the closure he needs, with your assistance."

"I am confident we can assist you. Our new Master in Training, Mystic Pearl, is a very spiritually gifted prodigy, and is most capable."

"That's such a relief to hear." Kay expelled a long breath. "When is the earliest we can get an appointment with Mystic Pearl?"

"One moment please." There was the sound of papers shuffling in the background, then the clipped voice came back to the phone. "I'm afraid Mystic Pearl is booked solid for the next three weeks. The earliest we can squeeze your Uncle in is May 24th at noon. That's a Sunday. Would that suffice?"

"That's perfect. He's … retired and lives in Los Angeles, so his schedule's pretty open, and you're only a couple of hours by car, if I'm not mistaken?"

"It's a two hour ride by train, and depending where in the city you are, about 90 minutes by vehicle. Please ensure your Uncle plans his travel time accordingly, as I will be the one who greets him at the front gate, but need to leave immediately afterwards to attend business at Hazakura Temple. What is your Uncle's name?"

The ninja's mind went blank.

"Excuse me, could I get that name please?" The woman asked with a hint impatience when several seconds of dead air had passed.

"Last name, Closof," Kay blurted quickly, silently cursing the fact that she and Mr. Edgeworth had gone over _everything_ except for her Uncle's pseudonym! "C-L-O-S-O-F."

"First name?"

"Oliver." Thank heavens for Bart Simpson's legendary prank calls to Moe the bartender!

"Done. I've scheduled him in. Thank you for your business, Ms..?"

"Oakie," Kay improvised on the spot. "I mean that's my last name. My first name's Carrie."

"I see…" The woman sounded a bit leery now. "I take it Mr. Closof is from your mother's side of the family then?"

"No, he's my Uncle on my dad's side," Kay replied honestly. "Why did you think he was from my mom's?"

"Because you have different last names, dear," the woman replied with exaggerated patience, as though speaking to a daft child.

Kay mentally lambasted her own obtuseness. It wasn't like her to be so easily rattled when performing this sort of duty, but something about this woman's jarring tone made her strangely anxious. The voice on the phone was smoothly professional, yet contained a hint of unmistakable … malice.

"Oh, of course!" She tittered nervously. "I'm married now, you see, hence the different surnames. Closof _was_ my maiden name."

"Naturally. Well then, it's been a pleasure speaking to you, Ms. Oakie. Take care…"

" _Wait_!" The raven-haired girl cried. "Don't go!"

" _Yesss_?" There was a blast of Arctic in the voice. "What is it?"

"Um, you know _my_ name, but I don't know yours. Er, that is, who should my Uncle ask for when he arrives?"

"He can ask for Head of the Elder council, but there's no need, as I ensure that I am _always_ present to meet and greet all of our valued clients," the woman replied, in a voice which Kay could only describe as sweet but venomous, like a cupcake sprinkled with poison. "My name is Mystic Violet. Violet Manteau."

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!_

 **Chapter 23**

 **Ilet Moratar**

Kay Faraday will not be tainted by my hands to matter how much I enjoy having Phoenix Wright in Edgeworth's own traumatized thoughts "Sully the loins of every woman he's ever known!"

That being said I'm sure she had a blast equally traumatizing poor Miles with her outrageous sex euphemisms… And probably had to bite her tongue for not teasing him mercilessly about Franny having gone the Wright way even though things ended up wrong! XD

The idea of Miles as a "Mango Man" superhero complete with costume and mask is as funny as one of my readers one suggesting that Phoenix is a mild-mannered pianist wino by day, and "DILF Man" by night! And of course the prosecutie would never suffer the same humiliation of blackjack Randall with Jenny because he wouldn't be trying to shake his Mango at the wrong tree! HEE!

 **Joeclone**

The stunning Yatagarasu and the science nerdy beauty will not be leaving the untainted club in this story! You could certainly be an honorary member of the Phoenix Wright fan club as well… But you have to at least take the prerequisite old T-shirt of shirtless Nick! XD

While I am a fan of Ema and Klavier, I have no idea who in the Ace Attorney universe I could possibly pair Kay with that would be worthy of her? There is a lot of fan art which pairs her key of unfortunate bowl cut, Sebastian DeBeste but I still think she could do better? What say you?

There's a reason we have a traumatized looking Miles Edgeworth on the cover of this story! Just like in all the Phoenix Wright games pretty much any story I write you have to have his best friend in there somewhere because these two are dream duo for me – and Edgy the straight man opens up so many comical possibilities! Who else could we trust to find the lost maiden? Their geekdom is the ties that bind which crosses international waters and barriers! ;p

 **CzarThwomp**

I really could see John being a little brat and not wanting to share his Mommy with Phoenix! LOL maybe he would poke at his DILF ass with his warns to make his point? The idea Phoenix running away screaming from a clinging and sobbing Sebastian is hilarious and harrowing at the same time… I think I made the poor hobo bum suffer enough in this story though! Hee!

Edgy beating up everybody "Streets of Rage" style and then battling with a sneering Inga… Mystic Ami help me! How do you come up with this stuff? LMAO. He'd be in his unrecognizable "Mango Man" alter ego mode, natch! :p

I don't think Miles would have let Nick live if he'd tapped Kay AND Franny! One was bad enough…. "Wright! Stop using your overused "man-meat" on my sister/sister figures, dammit! Or I will unsheathe my blade and stab you with it – and that is NOT a euphemism!" XD

 **thepudz**

Edgeworth by himself… Enjoyable but not funny. Edgeworth freaking out about his suppose it sister/latent love interest shagging his best friend in People Park and _then_ being traumatized by the bastardization of _Steel Samurai_ … **priceless**! Glad you liked it, Roo!

 **Forgreatcoffee**

 _"And now we have Edgeworth, with Franny nonetheless. You could probably track her by just listening for the screams of the injured at this point. Or Miles's wails after he finds out happened in People Park."_

OK seriously, are you trying to make sure I _die_ of laughter here? :p

You forgot to mention his internal screams over Kay's godawful euphemisms! Hee! Are you implying that Edgy, the not so secret _Otaku,_ was jealous over the Phoziska tryst…not because he's got a thing for **_Franny_** …but because he wants have a _clash of the swords_ with **_Nick_**?!

While it does seem that everyone wants to understandably sink their teeth into sexy Beanie Feenie (male and female!) in this story….Nope! Not Edgy! Wrong fanfiction! See …Oh, about 70% of the FF on A03 for your sword fighting fix! XD

P.S. Your reference to Nick's chronically employed _pulsating thrill hammer_ as "man meat" was too damn funny not to use in my reply to my other reader! LOL


	25. Beatinest Deliverance

_A/N: So...anyone who's been wondering about the whereabouts of a certain_ _BurgerMedium001_ _amidst this tragi-comedy of errors need look no further... :p_

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty Five:** **Beatinest Deliverance**

 _Kingdom of Khura'in_ – May 3, 2026

Maya Fey's palpitating heart was thudding a mile a minute.

The footsteps on the creaking floorboards drew closer, warning the young woman that imminent danger was looming.

With trembling fingers, she scurried to click shut the chat window in which she'd been exchanging messages with _BurgundySamurai,_ only nanoseconds before the familiar clacking of wooden sandals entered the small room that'd long been her proverbial penitentiary, and her oppressor manifested at last.

The appearance of the captive's tormentor was not formidable in itself. Diminutive in stature and more jimp than even the sylph Maya herself, the most charitable thing the _otaku_ medium could say about her nemesis was that in the seven years since being held hostage, the barracuda hadn't changed in the least. It was as though the universe had decided she'd reached the natural plateau level of homeliness and there'd be scant point in beating a long dead horse with an ugly stick.

As if nature itself wished to spotlight the dramatic moment of the old hag's entrance, the early morning sunlight from the side window touched the despised phizog of the rattled spirit medium's jailor as she strode towards the ancient desktop PC.

And if anyone thought _old hag_ was a slightly too harsh term, _BurgerMedium001_ was more than willing to argue it was no _unjustified conjecture!_

The harridan was not overly old, but her body had aged past her prime years so much that she wore the wizened features of an archaic crone. The occasional strand of what'd apparently once been black hair could scarcely be seen though the lifeless grey mane limply framing her aging countenance. Her forehead was wrinkled by many peaks and trenches - caused by years of consistent scowling - with unflatteringly crowned orbs that permanently harbored a disdainful glower, shadowing their serpentine hue. Her entire mug seemed drained of any signs of joy and amusement; instead her frumpy cheeks told a tale of regular displeasure.

Despite her small, somewhat frail exterior and generally stoic expression, Maya knew what sort of black heart and diseased, rotted soul lay behind that facet of wrinkles. The Xanthippe standing before her was as stubbornly unyielding as a wild boar, with a forked tongue so sharp, one could nearly be sliced in two if she believed you to be worth her time in the very least, let alone bothered to utter a word to you at all.

Over the years, the Kurain Master had had the misfortune of continuously falling victim to the witch's cutting, debasing remarks. Always a belittling comment here and there, about her detainee's supposedly unkempt hair, or the way she acted or walked or talked. It didn't matter if she'd practically worked her fingers to the bone and bore practically chafed hands from performing her enforced Cinderella duties. Nonetheless, the old battle-axe always managed to find something wrong with something she did, from the way Maya held her chopsticks right down to the way she apparently couldn't cook a decent meal to save her life.

The village leader hadn't been quick enough, however, to shut down the tell-tale window of the entire _Plumed Punisher_ fan site, noting the sharp ochroid eyes zeroing in on the computer monitor. To Maya's great relief, however, rather than seeming suspicious, there was merely the customary look of contemptuous scorn on her warden's withered features.

"I can see your dumber than snake mittens self has yet to tire of fan girling over that asinine _Plumed Punisher_ show, all this time later." The raven-haired beauty was subjected to a supercilious leer by her captor. "How is it you haven't tired of that juvenile drivel as of yet? Or would it be expecting too much for a woman who's a quarter century old to actually act accordingly to her _age_ , rather than her _shoe size_?"

Immune to such disparagements by now, Maya raised her chin defiantly, while trying to mask her relief that, in spite of being in French, the wretched creature hadn't spotted the final, all-too revealing message she'd sent Edgeworth.

"I haven't much choice with how to kill time here, now, _do_ I? The limited choice of fun time diversions in this hellhole has been strictly limited!"

"Well, I suppose you're a victim of _Stockholm Syndrome_ to some degree, since you've so wholeheartedly embraced what little _entertainment_ there is to offer!" A cruel smirk played on the beldame's thin, dried lips. "Regardless, I suppose you regularly thank The Holy Mother for whatever Internet usage, however restricted, which you have access to!"

 _As much as I beseech for the daily inner strength not to kick your tits off!_ The necromancer replied silently, struggling to keep the placid smile on her face. _Even more than I pray to be bequeathed the intestinal fortitude not to regurgitate my innards with the meagre amounts of fodder I'm allotted to feed upon each morning thenceforth, when I'm coerced into rubbing your foul, jumentous stench, bunion infested, plague-ridden feet!_

"I reckon inasmuch as beggars can't be choosers, nor can prisoners be selective about their recreational allowances, however limited," Maya answered at last, forcing her lips in such a taut upward motion, her cheeks were beginning to ache. "Whoever is the person who sets the country's restrictive online perimeters, which basically only allows access to the _Plumed Punisher_ fan site and sites spouting cat memes and kitten wars?"

"That would be Inga Karkhuul Haw'kohd Dis'nahm Bi'ahni Lawga Ormo Pohmpus Da'nit Ar'edi Iz Khura'in III," was the haughty retort, as if Maya were daft for not already knowing this information, despite barely having been allowed to leave these four walls all this time. "Her Eminence's sovereign must ensure everything is child friendly and suitably appropriate for their impressionable young daughter, Her Benevolence. Princess Rayfa is most partial to all furry and feline creatures."

"By the Power of Greyskull!" Maya's jaw dropped open in disbelief. " _Whoosit_ now?! Is that actually a _man's_ name?! ONE man's name?! I thought _Inga_ was the _female_ name for some blonde bombshell on the _Swedish Bikini Team_! What in the name of Eternia did you just say the _whole_ name was?"

A fiendish gleam flickered in the reptilian eyes.

"Our Minister of Justice, otherwise known as Queen Ga'ran's husband, is generally known by the shorter version of _his_ name, which is simply Inga Karkhuul Khura'in. I'm surprised you've so quickly forgotten the title of the man responsible for bringing our nation the _Plumed Punisher,_ " the imprisoner said slyly. "Considering the little… _mishap_ that occurred when I first tried to introduce you to the show."

Maya visibly flinched as the words triggered recollections _best left forgotten_ , and her adversary's smug smile widened.

"Don't tell me your dotard brain has _already_ forgotten just how well you've become _acquainted_ with the royal family, even though you've never laid eyes on them in person and they have yet to be aware of your pitiful existence?"

Despite her best efforts not let her enemy further see her break down in any way, Maya's forced smile wavered ever so slightly.

 _Thanks for the reminder, you sadistic, putrid, fart-eating hemorrhoid!_

She barely repressed a shudder as harrowing memories of _things which could never again be unseen_ zoomed through her mutilated mind.

 _For the past three years, I've been_ _ **desperately**_ _trying to obliterate those traumatizing images from my mind by watching so many fluffy kitty videos, I may as well have my_ _ **own ball of yarn**_ _and_ _ **flea collar!**_ _Never before in my life have I_ _ **ever**_ _wished for_ _ **eye/brain bleach**_ _more than I did on that fateful night…_

* * *

 **Flashback…**

 _Kingdom of Khura'in_ – 2023

"Oh annoying, witless main family girl!" Natasha Ayasato trilled in a sing-song voice as she walked in the front door of the modest bungalow where she resided that evening. "Guess who's home from a long, hard day of waiting on Her Eminence and needs a foot rub?"

Jerking sharply on her bed, Maya recoiled at the shrill sound of the nerve-rating, high pitched, raspy voice.

 _By the Hairy Balls of the Gods! No! Not **those** narsty Hobbit feet again! **Anything** but that! How in the name of fire and brimstone does she get that **hircine** **stench** from **only ten toes?!**_

Her flesh skin crawled just envisioning the situation, which could only be described as a blood-soaked nightmare hellscape.

 _I can't take it anymore! I'm going to tell her no matter what she does to me, I'll flat out refuse! I'd rather have my blood sucked out by leeches. Shove an icepick under a toenail or two and then kick a coffee table. I'd rather slam my fingers in a door again and again and again and again and again…_

Surely, _this_ latest degrading chore request was far worse than her poor, allergy suffering behind already being forced, from dusk till dawn, (on top of her other household slave chores!) to dust off the countless knickknacks and ornaments decorating the musty hovel belonging to the wicked pythoness who'd enslaved her the past four years! _How_ _many_ miniature gnome figurines and creepy porcelain dolls could _one_ crazy old loon possibly possess?! And why did they _all_ have to be resting upon crocheted doilies, which only _compounded_ the wheeze-inducing, dust bunny situation?!

Heaving a long-suffering sigh, she reluctantly put aside the book on Khura'inese culture and customs she'd been pouring over to kill time and went out to meet the bane of her existence.

Apparently, from what she'd read, _bludgeoning_ Natasha to death with one of her prized gaudy gewgaws wasn't a viable option. It seemed Princess Rayfa possessed spiritual powers that could conduct _a very damning_ Divination Séance, a ritual which utilized a "Pool of Souls" to reveal the sensations experienced by the victim's final moments. Undoubtedly, this would clearly incriminate Maya as the _kyboshing killer via ceramic kobold_ and the Court of Resignation in this merciless, defense lawyer-free country would thus swiftly decree her own head on the scaffold.

She couldn't help but wonder, for the umpteenth time, just _why_ she hadn't simply thrown caution to the wind, risked attempting the ultimate exercise in futility, and made a run for it while her wicked captor was away at her day job as the Queen's royal shoulder rub lackey.

Well, technically, she _knew_ why she hadn't – and moreover, why she _couldn't_.

However, it still didn't stop her from feeling a huge wave of resentment – or her flesh from crawling at the thought of having to contend with those _fetid_ calloused heels and vile, fungal infested toenails which required a blowtorch to cut through…

Natasha was by the front door, and as she spotted Maya coming towards her, shrugged out of her cloak to reveal her plain cotton dress, carelessly dropping it to the ground with a dismissive huff, leaving her makeshift maid no choice but to pick it up, as was tradition.

"Well don't worry, _I'll_ get it," the spirit medium muttered with a visible dose of sarcasm as she retrieved and hung up the item on the coat rack which had been _right next t_ o the lazy miserable slave driver. "Dinner's ready, by the way."

"I imagine even _your_ cooking is better than nothing after such a long day." The ingrate gave a disdainful sniff. "And what will be on today's menu?"

"Tonight's meal will consist of local dishes, _Hahtin'supaise_ and _Mehl'tenmoht_ ," Maya replied dully. "Made _freshly from scratch_ , of course, since you refuse to eat any leftovers and make me dispose of them."

 _Far be it for you to save me the burden of cleaning this place from top to bottom, and then having the grueling task of having to cook over that cauldron you call a potbellied stove in these scalding temperatures!_

"It's about time you finally learned how to cook our fare! I hope tonight's hot and spicy fare is more melt in your mouth than yesterday's _slop_ you made!" Natasha's face twisted into a moue as she rubbed her concaved belly. "My stomach is _still_ recoiling from your _Bahlgilpo'kon_! Another special hell in itself! If I didn't know better, I would think you are trying to poison me via indigestion."

 _Don't **tempt** me! _ Maya grimaced. _If only it were that **easy**! Curse that Royal Priestess and her stupidly infallible Dance of Devotion…_

"It's a work in progress, trying to decipher linguistics I have no previous knowledge of, while mentally converting the measurement of ingredients in recipes written formatted in the _metric_ system, because in the States, we use _Imperial_." She gritted her teeth. "I imagine being born and raised in this country, you couldn't possibly grasp just how difficult it is to teach oneself to read a foreign language."

"I _suppose_ you could be commended for teaching yourself how to read our native tongue." Natasha conceded grudgingly. "Although considering you have your nose stuck in a book like some sort of _blasted bluestocking_ every time I turn around, I'd assume you were fully versed by now!"

"Of _course_ I read!" Maya's tone grew slightly defensive, momentarily forgetting her vow not to let the hateful woman get to her. "What _else_ is there to do in a country that has no online access, while being holed up in a house that has no cable!"

"Funny you should mention that!" Natasha waved a VHS tape in her hand. "Her Eminence informed me today that not only is her husband working on getting some sort of dial-up Internet connection soon, but he's also in the middle of creating this new TV show, aimed at young children. Some sort of samurai theme. The Queen was in a generous mood, so she allowed me this sneak preview of the pilot episode on this tape, which I retrieved from her library. I thought perhaps _you_ might be interested in seeing it too, seeing as how your supposed grown woman self _insists_ on wearing that childishly ridiculous _Steel Samurai_ watch!"

Maya pointedly ignored the editorial on her choice of accessory and felt her interest piqued somewhat.

A local television show? About _Samurais_? It was better than _nothing_ , and definitely would be a welcome distraction, as at this point she had read almost every book in the house twice and was going out of her mind with boredom!

"Would we be able to watch it now, before dinner?" She tried not to sound too enthusiastic or eager. "I'm not very hungry just yet."

"That would be _perfect_ ," Natasha purred, walking over to the VCR in the living room and popping in the tape. "In fact, you can go ahead and watch the _Plumed Punisher_ with me while rubbing my poor feet. Just let me use the bathroom first. I've had _the_ _worst_ case of _Montezuma's Revenge_ that'd rival a Mexican tourist's, thanks to that _slop_ you served last night, you _evildoer wench_!"

Maya cringed, both at the grotesque oversharing, as well as the fate she knew awaited her as _She of Miasmal Feet Incarnate,_ which were assuredly created from the _Fiery Pits of Abaddon_ , left the room. She should have _known_ better! Of _course_ the unexpected generous offer _had_ to have come with some sort of _torturously excruciating stipulation;_ one suitably decreed by even Hades Himself!

Moaning inwardly, she settled onto the ugly, hard backed, paisley floral settee nevertheless and listened with slightly subdued anticipation, which quickly changed to confusion, as the video proceeded to start off by zooming in on a large banner on the mahogany panel wall which read _"Happy Birthday Inga."_

Standing beneath the banner was a young blond man in dark sunglasses that Maya immediately recognized from his YouTube acclaim, known simply as " _Epic Sax Guy,_ " who then proceeded to begin vigorously enthused hip gyrations in time to his hypnotic saxophone solo!

She frowned in concentration as she listened to what _suspiciously_ sounded like the beginning of George Michael's classic mood maker anthem, "Careless Whisper."

The beginning scene appeared to be taking place in some sort of luxe, opulent looking bedroom. Then the screen slowly zoomed in on a middle-aged man with black hair and a goatee, wearing what appeared to be an expression of resignation and wariness on his face while his green eyes widened at whomever was ascending upon him.

The approaching figure's back was to the camera, but Maya could make out it was a slender female form in royal looking robes. Suddenly, the woman removed the outer garment and faced the camera, revealing a skintight purple dress and a necklace of magatamas, with a bindi head jewel, large hair clips, and mascara, giving her face what could only be described as a seemingly perpetual sneer.

The man began to sweat drop as the woman's lips curled into a lascivious grin, and with a flick of one wrist, she undid her hair buns, allowing her dark mane to fan out into stiff coils and bangs that resembled a spider's legs and mandibles!

She advanced upon the man, who was officially panicking now. He fervently scooted backward, only to find himself in the corner of the room as she held up a well-manicured hand, showing that within her lengthy scarlet tipped talons was what could only be described was a _paddle_ of some sort in one …and a huge purple … _eggplant_ -looking contraption in the other, which was attached to some sort of _harness_!

The virtuous, and up until then, _untainted_ Master's eyes morphed into the size of saucers.

 _Holy shit-balls! What fresh hell is **this**?!_

The sheltered and still quite innocent Maya Fey had been born and raised into an all-female village, on which was just as, if not _more_ , backwards than Kingdom of Khura'in, in terms of cultures, customs and technology. Up until she'd come to live with and work alongside Phoenix, during the three happiest, most exciting years of her life, she'd never previously been exposed to any man, nor been in the know of anything involving _parking the beef bus in Tuna Town_.

In LA, she'd had access to high-speed internet of course, but had maintained her youthful, simple ideals, preferring children's action shows and burgers without much thought to any sort of _adult action_ or any _other_ sort of _meat_!

Up until that moment, the spirit medium had never been exposed to _any_ sort of graphic carnality – although she had recognized the warm flush in heat that'd had naught to do with mere embarrassment which had surged through her the one time she had unintentionally walked in on Phoenix changing and had seen him shirtless! Blushing furiously, she'd quickly blurted her apologies and yanked the bedroom door shut, and never again had barged in without knocking. Who would've known her dorky best friend was rocking the kind of abs you could've _washed a T-shirt on_ underneath that blue suit?!

But other than that _one_ time, she had never seen her boss even remotely indecent. Even with the eventual addition of little Pearl moving in with them after Morgan's incarceration, there had never even been any childish accidental " _oopsie_ " moments whatsoever!

 _Great gobs of goose shit_ , Maya hadn't even ever unsuspectingly walked in on Phoenix while he was in the bathroom taking care of the call of nature, and thus gotten an idea of what _male plumbing_ actually resembled, never mind the _actual_ act of _going crab fishing in the Dead Sea!_

However, Maya _had_ been privy to access cable TV and _had_ seen movies. _Lots of them_.

To this day, she remained in a petrified state over memories of the infamous _Deliverance_ scene, with Ned Beatty and the slack-jawed yokel in the woods, where the poor man was forced to "squeal like a pig" and was unwillingly subjected a bout of _harpooning by the salty longshoreman_!

The traumatized psychic had immediately turned off the TV and then watched a marathon of _The Pink Princess_ episodes afterwards until sunrise to erase the mondo disturbia image from her poor mind.

 _Why did such an eye-raping abomination exist on the silver screen in the first place?!_ The acolyte had screamed, full throttle, into her sofa cushion, trying not to awake the then slumbering Phoenix and Pearl. _Who wants to watch a sweaty, fat, middle aged man be a struggling recipient to a toothless, inbred hillbilly launching the meat missile whilst being made to emit sounds like Babe on his way to the Slaughter House?_

Maya wasn't purposely remaining jejune, and wasn't _completely_ unschooled in all matters relating to _playing peek-a-boo with your vein cane in the flesh pipe_. She'd read books, of course, and was well aware _what parts_ went _where_ , and wasn't so naïve that she remained unknowledgeable of the fact that in today's day and age, the _lust and thrust_ acts of _rumpy-pumpy_ wasn't just limited to men and women – but that _schnoodlypooping_ applied to same sex pairs as well.

But _nothing_ could have prepared her for the horrors awaiting her on the small screen that fateful evening.

With the exception of the dueling banjos in the background, as they were replaced by the _perversely inappropriate_ saxophone medley which kept playing on and masking the high-pitched porcine squeals of the emasculated, _very piggy-pink_ Inga, it was like reliving the harrowing film scene all over again!

Just like with _Deliverance_ , Maya remained helplessly frozen; too paralyzed by the crippling dreadfulness of the scenario to even make a move or peep as the horror continued to unfold with the _"royal gratification treatment!"_

 _Jesus Christ on a trailer hitch, it's like a train wreck! I simply can't look away, even though my tormented mind is internally screaming at me to do **just** that!_

Her Eminence, now having donned what could only be described as _The Purple Scepter of Evil_ strapped to her lumbar area, was jauntily savoring the act of _jerking it where she's twerking it_ against "Birthday Boy" Minister of Justice.

The camera zoomed back on the still engrossed, sax playing, "air-humping" musician who, was making it nigh impossible to determine, between him and Ga'ran, _who_ was performing the heartier pelvic thrusting! The Queen was in her element, cackling triumphantly from her position as _instigator_ of _shooting the meat rocket into the sausage wallet_ …with the _latter_ being that of her _bucking and thrashing husband_!

All the while, to add to the bizarre obscenity, there were _actual live spectators_ within the chambers! The militant, uniformed men, who could only be the palace royal guards, where uproariously egging the Queen on, loudly and repeatedly chanting: _"Pleasure him, Ga'ran!"_

Maya's scarred reaction was similar but separate in the manner of the shivering Inga himself, who was presently alone on the screen, post _celebratory birthday_ activities, lying on the floor and curled up into the fetal position, loudly wailing at the death of his manhood.

By the time Natasha had returned from her lengthy homage to the porcelain god, she found her captive with a hand over her mouth, the other rigidly clutching the fabric of her long robes. The Master's eyelids were shut so tightly, they began to fidget and shudder from the bullish force, as if the very corner of her eyes were being pricked with a needle, crying silent, horrified tears that ran past her swollen cheeks and over her knuckles until finally dripping onto the floor without as much a sound.

"What sort of _filth_ is this?!" The old woman screeched upon seeing the normally imposing Inga on screen, presently dehumanized and with his pants down around his ankles. Her eye twitched ever so slightly as she then moved with surprisingly spry steps to the VCR.

"It's from that _sordid_ tape that _you_ brought, you…you _monster_! _How_ could you succumb me to such disturbing acts of debauchery, with _zero_ warning?" Maya cried, still shuddering violently as the old woman speedily hit the eject button. "You _win_ , OK? I'll do _anything_ you want! I won't balk or fuss about _anything_ you ask me to do! Just… _no more_ of that _ophthalmic barbarism_ and overall _violation_ to my senses!"

Natasha gasped, genuinely bewildered as the spirit medium reached out to clutch her gnarled hand and peered at her with stricken, red rimmed eyes.

"What in the _world_? This _iniquitous_ _ungodliness_ was on the tape _I_ brought home?!"

"If you were _trying_ to break me to the point where I no longer put up any sort of objections to the backbreaking slave labor you make me do, then congratulations, _mission accomplished_! Henceforth, there shall be no resistance from me! I'll – I'll polish your silverware on a daily basis – even in those stubborn spots between the fork tines! I'll scrub the floors _by hand_ with the full power of elbow grease! I'll _spit shine_ your shoes! Just _never_ subject me to such horrors… _ever again!"_

Maya began rocking back and forth on the couch, a haunted look in her eyes.

" _Nothing_ could be as bad as being made to spectate that sort of… _depravity_! I'd rather accept a drink from Bill Cosby! Listen to Gary Busey read _50 Shades of Grey!_ I'd rather dive into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razor blades! I'd rather rip my heart right out of my ribcage with my bare hands and then throw it on the floor and stomp on it till I die! _Nom d'un nom d'un petit cochon bleu_ … I'd _rather_ _rub your **feet**_!"

Natasha blinked, not realizing Maya had just uttered the French exclamation for _"name of a name of a little blue pig,"_ and instead stared down at the offending VHS tape in her hands. She was still too stunned with the proceeding laundry list of atrocities Maya had just listed as a preference to watching whatever had been on the film to fully grasp the fact that she and her feet had been most grievously insulted!

"What kind of _deviants_ do you have living here in this alleged holy country?!" Maya rubbed her hands up and down her arms, which were covered with goosebumps. " _This_ is your idea of _children's_ entertainment?! What kind of _depraved freaks_ would _enjoy_ seeing this _Plumed Punisher?!"_

Her trauma slowly abating, she indignantly snatched the VHS out of the startled Natasha's hand and stared down at the title written in black marker on the front of the tape.

"Wait a second! This doesn't say _Plumed Punisher_! It says _Primed Punishment!"_

" _That's_ what it says?!" Natasha gaped at Maya. "The Queen told me to grab one of the tapes from the library! Now I'm wondering if she meant the _main palace_ library and _not_ the one from her bedchambers…"

"You grabbed this tape from the Queen's _private_ library?!" Maya was fuming now. "Heavens to Betsy! What in the _name_ of all that is _holy_ is _wrong_ with you?! Can't you even _read_?!"

Her eyes lit up then, as though she'd just solved a great mystery, and she happily clasped her hands together against her chest.

"Wait, you _can't_ read, can you? Is _that_ the real reason why you make fun of me for all the reading that _I_ do? There's no shame in being illiterate, even at _your_ age! My little Pearly never learned how to properly read until after she was eight-years-old, because _she_ didn't have traditional schooling, either."

Her tone was rife with enthusiasm at the idea of having a new project to occupy her time.

"Obviously, illiteracy does _not_ pay! To sweeten the pot, tell you what – _I'll_ teach you how to read; so long as you _swear_ to never to make me endure such _horrors_ again! You know what they say: _open up a **book** and open up your **mind**!_ "

"Oh Holy Mother, will you quit your nonsensical jabbering already, you mealy-mouthed… _flibbertigibbet_!" Natasha's cheeks flamed with humiliation and ire, and Maya grew accordingly subdued. "I can _read_ perfectly fine! It's just that I was running late for my duties at the palace this morning because my stomach was so upset by that gruel _you_ served last night, and when I rushed out the door, I _forgot my glasses_!"

She clapped the wire-rimmed spectacles, which had been dangling on a chain around her neck, against her face and examined what was written on the front of the VHS tape.

"Ah, so it _does_ say _Prime Punishment_ … **_volume XXI_!** I need to sneak this back into Her Eminence's chambers tomorrow morning before she realizes it's missing …"

" _Gack!_ Volume _21_?" Maya goggled at the harridan. "Mystic Ami help me – does that means there are _20 previous editions_ of similar… _footage?_!"

"Who am _I_ to judge what the Queen and her husband do in their private time?!" Natasha's withered cheeks turned even redder, then she narrowed her eyes at the younger woman. "This was simply a shamefully grotesque error on my _own_ part… But which ultimately was _your_ fault, for serving such _subpar fare_ and throwing my entire digestive system into general disarray!"

 _Easy for **you** not to judge!_ Maya thought sullenly. Whilst **y _ou_** _were conveniently occupying the latrine, **I** was aching to gauge out my own eyeballs with a fireplace poker!_

"For your sake, I hope _tonight's_ meal is an improvement over last, you incompetent _ninny_! Otherwise, I very well shall take you up on that hysterical list of preferences which you cited a few moments ago … such as literally making you scrub the floors by getting on your hands and knees… _starting_ with the one in the bathroom!"

Natasha seated herself at the kitchen table and pointedly looked at her makeshift serving wench.

"I'm ready to eat my dinner now, by the way!"

"You're dining _alone_ tonight, lady!" The spirit medium growled as she trudged over to the stove. "I never _dreamed_ the day would come when _I_ of all people would actually say this … But I'm _not_ at all _hungry_!"

"Surely you cannot be serious!" Natasha derided meanly, eyeing her captive skeptically. "Doth first mine _eyes_ , _then_ mine _ears_ both deceive me within the very same day?! You are jesting, are you not? _You_ , the bottomless pit, doth _not_ _hunger_?"

"I _am_ serious…and don't call me Shirley!" The Master grumbled. "Thanks to my impromptu voyeuristic glimpse of the _hedonist_ , and dare I say, _sadistic_ proclivities of the Queen and her _relentless, foot-long_ … **_aubergine_** in action, as well as the _comparatively modest_ … ** _gherkin_** of the Minster of Justice – whom I sorely hope I don't _ever_ meet because I'd _never_ be able look him in the eye after this! – _Maya Gilligan Fey_ has completely lost her _appetite_!"

 **End Flashback**

* * *

 _Kidnapper Headquarters_ – May 3, 2026

After Natasha had gone off to work at the palace, Maya found herself reflecting on her history of loving children's action shows while being immersed up to her elbows in sudsy water as she washed the dirty pots and pans from that morning's breakfast - _Banu'puun_ , another local dish.

Her rocky segue notwithstanding, while it was no _Pink Princess_ or _Steel Samurai_ , she really _did_ like _The Plumed Punisher_ show – the _real_ one – when she'd eventually laid eyes upon the authentic show that Inga had produced.

She was _still_ trying to obliterate all memories from its _similarly named_ titular _other sort of action video._ She threatened Natasha to _never_ mention it again – unless the old bag wanted yet _another_ bout of spurting bout of dysentery from her cooking – and this time it'd be _on purpose_ , and not because she'd _accidentally_ used too heavy a hand with the _Guhljaama!_

Maya had been hungover for a day and a half after the unanticipated viewing, due to the copious amount of _fermented yak's milk_ she'd had to chug in order to annihilate those images from her mind! The swill was beyond revolting, but it was also the only sort of alcoholic libation within a 10 mile radius!

Also, she had been _irrevocably_ turned off any sort of _pork_ related product ever since that unforgettable day as well! Visualizing _Inga_ while munching on her bacon was a guaranteed appetite suppressant!

Ergo, if the sadistic Natasha dared mention The Unmentionable ever again, she'd been warned that she would _suffer_ for the reminder! It'd _totally_ be worth any sort of punishment Maya would have had to endure afterward!

 _How pathetic is it that the culinary torturing of my subjugator – whom I continue to despise, even though time has softened our previous, openly hostile relationship into one of **guarded neutrality** – is the only way I get my amusement nowadays? Once upon a time, in another lifetime, this sudden Cinderella spent her days merrily investigating alongside her best friend, or dragging him to take her out for burgers or to the latest Steel Samurai movies!_

A gusty sigh.

 _And here I am now, in a country I don't belong, with people I don't really know, going on with my life and trying to be someone I'm not sure I want to be. I can't recognize the person I am today. I know it could be worse. I could be exposed to **worse** **tortures** than viewing the royal sex tape – wait – **are** there **any**?! _

Maya laughed humorlessly. True, things sucked harder than a Hoover, but they _could_ be far worse. She was hardly a prisoner of war, after all. She hadn't been abused or tortured in the traditional sense, unless you counted crippling boredom and loneliness.

 _I should be grateful that I'm not imprisoned in a moldy, rat infested cell, or imperiled to any sort of physical cruelties, aside from dish-panned hands and constantly exhausted limbs from all this domestic drudgery. It's a miracle I've learned to assimilate myself into society. That I've been easily accepted by locals and other tourists as this alleged, wide-eyed wanderer who is here under the ruse of gaining spiritual enlightenment in Khura'in! Not that I can do anything **with** my learnings even if I **were, in reality,** being trained! It's illegal for anyone non-regal to channel here, and the Queen has ensured the royals are the only ones who can do so, by placing protective Wards to prevent channeling **everywhere** , save for at the palace and in the courtroom. And the fiendish Natasha has ensured I'm never allowed near either one. **Or else…**_

Well, she needn't dwell on the _or else_. She _fully_ knew what the inconceivable alternative was if she ever disobeyed – the _real_ reason that even though Maya was left to her own devices for eight hours a day while Natasha was gone to work, and in spite of having neither her passport nor one red cent to her name, she didn't just make a run for it.

Hence her resignation to her current destiny, and her new life as the world's most reluctant addition to Western Asia.

Sometimes, though, accepting her providence wasn't so easy.

 _I've had seven years to accept this as my lot in life. I try to remember to be strong, and that I shouldn't let these treacherous snakes ever **break** me! But when it's three in the morning and I can't sleep, I start missing the **old me** … the **old life** , once again. Even if I hate the way I used to be at times, I miss myself. I miss the place I called home. I hate it, I hate myself for this! I don't want to keep missing those days like there was nothing wrong with them. _

She missed those days. She missed her old life. Her old home. She missed _everything_.

 _So why do I keep missing it? Am I really so fucked up that I miss the crying days, the empty nights, the feeling of never being good enough? Or is it that I'm too scared of the future and being alone that I keep getting back all the good feelings I can rescue from my memories of those years? I don't really know. The only thing that seems clear to me is that I'm missing the person I was, even though I often hated that hopeless girl I'd become back then. Things weren't perfect, I know that. I suffered a lot of hardship and pain and loss. There's a lot of things that weren't how they should've been. Things I'm glad that are finally over._

A tear rolled down her cheek.

 _Nevertheless, there's days like today, like having a twist of fate allow me to bump into Mr. Edgeworth online, that I get a renewed spark of hope that I can be rescued. That I can believe that logical genius and fellow otaku somehow deciphered my SOS cryptic message, meaning perchance I **won't** be forever yearning in vain for the people and the feelings I had back then. My Pearly. My villagers. **Him**._

In the end, it always came back to _him_.

 _They say that in French there is no literal translation for 'I miss you' – instead they say " **tu me manques** " which means more along the lines of 'You are missing from me.' And is that not the most apt description of losing somebody? Because if you miss a person, you wish they were there with you – but if a person is missing then something is deeply wrong because they are not where they are supposed to be. So when I say that I miss you, what I really mean is the French version. Because I do not simply wish you were here – you are missing from me. There is a hole where you used to be and I am incomplete because of it… My world is no longer right because you are meant to be here and you're not. _

As much as Maya loved and missed her darling cousin, in the end, it was _Phoenix_ who haunted her waking thoughts and nightly dreams. Try as she might, the overwhelming sense of _saudade;_ of the deep emotional state of melancholic longing for an absent person, never fully abated.

 _No, I haven't had an easy life. But when you were with me, Nick, somehow…the pain stopped, or at least lessened. You were my hero – my gallant knight in shining armor; your comfort and friendship was like soothing soul medicine. Some days I can see the image of your face in my mind so clearly that the agony ebbs at first sight of you, then multiplies and I want to flee this place._

"Isn't it ironic, don't you think?" She whispered aloud. "How else can I call refer to this cruel paradox? That the only man I've ever loved, and always will love, is also the ultimate reason why I have _no choice_ but to remain in this purgatory, all alone?"

 _I've always been an act first, think later girl. This time though, that's not an option. If I were to attempt to escape this prison, I'm more than aware of what consequences such actions would bring. So I'm forced to shove the memories of your face from my mind, and resume missing you with a pain that sits in my guts like a slow burning fire. Those flames belong in my heart, in my soul, yet no more. And in this hurricane of my soul, amid the endless winds that scream, I make no move. I can protect **me** , or **you**. I will **always** choose you, Nick, until there is no more of my mind or my body, whichever comes first. This is my solemn vow. It is my sworn oath upon the song of the birds, the light that scatters on still water, and the sun that rises each new day._

* * *

 _A/N I'd like to give a shout out to a very loyal reader, and belly busting funny as hell FF writer, Czar Thwomp with this particular chapter. His reviews on my stories often included not so subliminal comedic gems within, and often make their way into my works, and the last chapter was no exception. Check out his sidesplitting comedy, story on this site: **The Imperial Daddy** for the full scoop of where the Royal Palace humor came from! Thanks for being so amazeballs, Czar! :)_

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!_

 **Chapter 24**

 **CzarThwomp**

The idea of Pearl slaps of fury making Nick and Maya have an impromptu wedding is an idea which I wish Capcom would adopt! I have no objections whatsoever! As for a code word… perhaps saying "I like vegan burgers?" would be the ultimate sign to let everyone know there's something rotten in the state of Denmark…pity Maya didn't think of that in the one letter she was allowed to write to Pearl!

 _"It's bad enough that Maya thinks that "The Plumed Punisher" is on par with "The Steel Samurai", but her reading words that aren't on a fast-food restaurant menu...? Just what kind of Orwellian torture is Inga using on that poor girl!? Is he making Maya watch videos of Ga'ran doing unspeakable things to his little aubergine to break her spirit? Whatever is happening to her, it only serves to make me all the more excited for when we learn exactly what Inga's motivation for kidnapping Maya in this timeline is."_

While we find out that this time, Inga wasn't the malevolent force behind poor Maya's incarceration, OMG! LOL. I'm not sure if a priestess (in training) _has_ to be chaste…but witnessing Inga's PUMB be PUNISHED is miraculously what still didn't manage to finally do what the evil powers that be have been trying to do to poor Maya all this time – break her spirit AND sear her retinas for life as she proceeded to throw herself off the nearest mountain because she couldn't bare the eyeball rape! That girl is made of some tough stuff!

Thanks for being funny AF as if tradition, and for giving me the idea of using your uproariously funny FF "The Imperial Daddy" as the inspiration for this chapter! J

 **Forgreatcoffee**

I love making Maya intentionally appear ditzy in my stories! I think most of us can agree that despite not being traditionally schooled that she most definitely is _not_ , and I never believed such was the case, because we've seen in the video games that she has pointed out things Phoenix himself has missed! I think one of the reasons she is my favorite videogame heroine is that I personally am very perky as well, and get a big kick out of it when people who are more austere seem so surprised that you don't have to have a stern persona in order to be clever! She definitely misspelled that word because as we thought of this chapter there are (evil!) eyes everywhere!

I wasn't sure if most my readers were too young to know who Skeletor was, but it's great that somebody picked up on the Eternia/He-Man villain moment!

I think Miles is in his element when he is getting his geek on… And since he is so normally pristine and well-groomed I was enjoying making him be absent-minded to the basics, like _brushing his teeth and showering_ , so he couldn't _properly_ thank Franny for saving the day… _Her_ choice not his! Personally I think she was doing too picky! I wouldn't kick The Edgeworth out of _my_ bed, regardless! XD

Franny might be a skilled multi-linguist, having been the one to solve the mystery that _Manteau_... is the French word for _cloak_ but I can't see her being an actress long enough to not be getting whip happy when she is supposed to be acting as though she is mourning, which would definitely send poor, overworked Pearl into hiding! Hence, my thinking that Detective Badd was the perfect one to seem coolheaded and unruffled! Also, I _really_ love my favorite badass Detective with a heart of gold!

 _"Now Kay, Or should I say Qui-Gon Jinn. We need to have a chat. Midi-chlorians... No. Just no. We do not speak of those. Keep it up and we will be taking away your Internet access!"_

I would like make a disclaimer that I absolutely _hate_ Star Wars with a passion that burns my soul, and the _Midi-chlorians_ line was actually canon! XD

 **Joeclone**

Maya and Miles… These two are the biggest Otakus in the series! All that's missing is real-life samurai Simon Blackquill to join the mix and weeb it up! XD

I'm really happy the puzzle worked out as well as it did in my head as I was hopelessly staring at the information page for the Evil Magistrate on the Ace Attorney wiki trying to think of how to cryptically point out the villain in this puzzling tableau in a way that would make possibly even Professor Layton proud!

 _"SHE GOT KIDNAPPED AGAIN? To the kidnapper, I'm going to RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND EAT YOUR ESOPHAGUS RAW ON A BED OF WILD RICE FOR DOING THIS!"_

Leaving reviews this is not doing much to make me want to stop squishing your cheeks because you are too adorable for words! :-)

Alas, Princess Peach has been kidnapped yet again but luckily Edgy (fortunately for his sophisticated cunning linguist pseudo-sister!) is now on the liberation team! In the meantime, it appears it will take a whole village to rescue the fair damsel in distress… At least until Sir Blue Knight regains consciousness (reminder that poor Nick was mysteriously knocked unconscious a few chapters back!) and is made aware of the situation!

 **Ilet Moratar**

Maya has been kidnapped officially 4 times if you count this story! Twice in SOJ and once in JFA. In this case she will have a few knights in shining armor, as the path will be made for Sir Blue Knight by Sir Red Knight….but the paved road to good intentions was done by my personal fave Detective BADASS! I hope my readers think the ending is excellent…but first Sir Blue Knight needs to be made aware the damsel is in distress and wake up from whatever knocked him out! Hee! My readers have been so happy with the entrance of The Edgeworth that they seemed to have forgotten that part or that the main protagonist has been missing last few chapters! XD

Franny in denial about her latent feelings for Edgy is hilarious isn't she? I know in canon she is very fond of Kay and has shown no jealousy of her (I agree Miles looks at the ninja beauty as more a younger sibling/daughter) but in the Miles games she has exhibited some pretty tell-tale signs of the green eyed monster, and that was prompted me to go with this angle – even if the age difference between her and Miles is only _2_ years less than the 9 years senior he is over Kay! "Do as I say don't do as I do" indeed! :p

Stop making me crave guarapo! I can't believe I need to wait another half year to get my fix of the Cuban sugary goodness of that drink! I'm sure a good teeth cleaning will fix Miles's coffee breath – I believe he's going to be back to his regular tea with breakfast by now…can't have him keep going the Godot route!


	26. Piercing The Veils

_A/N: The present timeline where we last saw Phoenix is July, 10, 2026 – immediately after Turnabout Serenade, but there are a lot of back and forth flashbacks showing the events leading up to what made the poor guy be knocked out several chapters back and be missing in action from his own story – up until now, so please pay attention to the dates guys! Hope you enjoy this update! :)_

* * *

 ** _Seven Years Ago..._**

 _Eagle Mountain Cemetery_ – February 17, 2019

 _This feeling of this never-ending void is more excruciating than just typical grief. It's a different sensation of emptiness from when Mia died. Now there is a resounding silence to my soul; I am winter leaves under frost. I feel the chill in my blood, coldness bringing the synapses of my brain to a standstill. Part of it is arduous anguish, yet one I can endure; one I can sleep through night after night without the anesthesia of false hope, for this is my winter. I can only now await springtime, and with it, the chattering of the birds…_

Had her life really been subjectively _normal_ just a mere _week_ ago?

Maya remained firmly rooted in her spot at the grave while staring sightlessly at the faceless sea of mourners gathered around her, as motionless as a statue and maintaining an eerily imperturbable phizog.

Feeling overwhelmed by the pitying expressions of mostly strangers swarming about, she dropped her head and ceased the listless twisting of the dangling magatama chain around her fingers. Drawing in a steadying breath, she took one hand and braced it against a neighboring ancient Evergreen Ash for support, her tender palm pressing into the coarse crevices that ran through the husk. Her dull downward gaze came to rest on the pattern; chaotic, like the cracks in frozen winter earth. Under her feet, the fallen leaves of the neighboring trees were as noisy as the static in her head.

Nothing was making sense anymore, not even the trees.

Up until the harrowing chain of events at Hazakura Temple, her existence had had clear direction and meaning. For the past three years, in spite of the trials and tribulations she'd endured, the spirit medium had nonetheless found genuine happiness working alongside Ace Attorney Phoenix Wright as his legal assistant, investigating crime scenes and seeking justice for all.

Then, deprived of preamble, another horrific crime scene altogether had legitimately rendered her an orphan in this cold, cruel world – with only her darling Pearly as her sole remaining family – while simultaneously changing the entire course of her life as she knew it. Misty's untimely demise had officially altered Maya's destiny for good, thrusting her youngest progeny into the inherited position which she'd never wanted: official leader of Kurain Village in her birthright title as Master of the Kurain Channeling Technique.

 _I can feel myself slowly going insane. To the point where nothing matters anymore and caring is too damn difficult and feeling is too much to bear and the smallest whisper would feel like an echo into the abyss, and I feel like I'm falling, falling, falling…_

Lost in a surge of turmoil and agony, the spirit medium was only dimly aware of the murmured condolences of her friends and fellow commiserates who had shown up for Misty Fey's funeral.

Six feet under was now where the casket containing her mother's body had been lowered until it was out of sight. Even as Maya listened to the umpteenth susurration of sympathy, her downcast glance didn't stray from the freshly dug grave at her feet.

 _And it doesn't even feel like mourning after a while. It's just overwhelming. It's not even a tangible emotion. It's just the inescapable sensation of nothingness, and the desperate desire to stop feeling it._

She willed the world to dissolve around her, just to melt away, yet she could still feel the texture of rough bark and the chill breeze that refused to reflect the howling pain that tore through her slender frame. Without warning, she felt her insides become wooden as she felt the strange sensation of a hand on her shoulder. Steeling herself, she turned to greet her latest consoler, her countenance as stoic and impassive as a mannequin's.

"Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to pay your respects," she stated hollowly, as if on autopilot, before the person could even offer their condolences. "It is most appreciated."

Phoenix's brows knitted in concern as he studied Maya's pale, wan visage. Even though she'd remained dry-eyed thus far, her hapless sorrow was evident to him, and he'd never felt more powerless. He'd never been an overly articulate man, so although his best friend's plight literally made him ache with sympathy, he was at a total loss for words on how to ease her overwhelming grief.

"Maya, _look_ at me," he urged gently, clasping her tiny fingers within his own. Then, when she remained unresponsive, with his free hand, he crooked his index beneath her chin, gently tipping it upward so she had no choice but to meet his attentive gaze. "More than anything, I wish I could stay here longer with you, but I had to come find you, to let you know that unfortunately, it's time for me to go."

Lugubrious mocha orbs met regretful navy ones. Even though she had yet to speak, Phoenix knew she was loath to have him depart, as indicated by the reflexive, desperate tightening of her fingertips against his.

"I _hate_ to leave you, but I wanted to let you know that I have to head back to L.A. now, since I caught a ride with Gumshoe and Maggey. They need to get back before dinnertime to relieve their sitter for little Gordy." His visage was wreathed with lament and compassion. "But I wanted to let you know I'll call you tomorrow. And I _promise_ I'll come up and visit you again really soon, alright?"

Even though she'd known this moment was inevitable, her throat tightened painfully, and she merely gave a mute nod in response. Nick was leaving now. To return home. _His_ home. In the city. _Alone_. Because her new fated path didn't involve her and Pearl living with him anymore. Not knowing _when_ she'd next set eyes on that cherished mien she'd grown accustomed to seeing on a daily basis was almost more gut-wrenching than the loss of the mother she'd never known.

 _On top of all this contentious sorrow, this – this forced separation…it makes me so helplessly, irrevocably **angry** . Not because our road is ending, or because things hadn't worked out the way I'd hoped. I'm not angry because I loved him so much that I'd given up the life path I was guided to take, along with half my dreams, for him. It's not even because he's tainted every memory I had, every ounce of happiness I'd allowed myself, and when he leaves, he'll be taking my one spot light away, and casting shadows everywhere. No, I am angry because I'd tried so hard to make things work for us, as partners in crime – and hoped in due time, it would have become something more. Because I'd given so much of myself to something that must have been doomed from the start. I am angry because I'd allowed myself to love a person who would never have understood that love. I am angry because I'd broken my own heart._

Maya nodded, more bravely this time, and barely suppressed the crazed urge to ululate hysterically, cling to his feet and beg Phoenix to take her back with him.

However, such indecorous behavior would hardly be fitting to a woman with the dignity of her newfound office. It would be inexcusable for the reigning village leader to be acting in any sort of unseemly manner, especially before so many witnesses, as Mystic Violet, head of Kurain's Elder Council, had sharply reminded her prior to the memorial service.

 _I've spent most of my life and most of my friendships holding my breath and hoping that when people get close enough they won't leave, and fearing that it's a matter of time before they figure me out and go. Nick's time has come now. And there's nothing I can do about it._

A stray droplet slowly made its way down Maya's cheek. Phoenix saw it, despite the fact that she'd turned her head away, and gently pulled her closer to him.

"Come here." His voice was soft. "One more hug for the road."

" _No_ ," she choked, knowing she'd be unable to resist the floodgates threatening to consume her, but no avail, as the determined lawyer tugged her rigid form against his hard chest.

" _Yes_ ," he insisted, tenderly nestling her in his arms as though she were a baby. "You have to stop putting on so many different masks, Maya. Which one is your own? How many faces do you put on for the world?"

" _Stop_." The warmth of his hold was her undoing, and a subsequent liquid bead escaped, quickly followed by another. "No, Nick. Please don't do this to me…."

Ignoring her protests, he held her even more tightly and began softly stroking her hair.

"You don't have to put on a happy face and dance like you did for Pearls every time tragedy struck. Nor do you need to put on a brave front in this time of sorrow. At least, not with _me_. Let me be your shoulder to cry on, if nothing else."

Her body began trembling from the force of trying to withhold her sobs.

"I bottle everything up," Maya choked, burying her face against the familiar blue jacket. "I hide my emotions, I pretend to be OK. It's not healthy, I know. But I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to have people worried about me…"

"I know. That's why I want you to let it out." His voice was a smooth rumbling sound in his chest, where he cradled her head. "You'll feel much better."

The latitude was the final push needed to make her defenses fully collapse, and Maya crumpled into a heap against him, her pent-up rivulets now cascading in endless torrents, soaking the front of his suit.

 _I've never been like this with anyone else. Never so open. Never so vulnerable. '_ **_I love you, Nick',_** _is what I want to say. But surely he knows this already. '_ **_Don't leave',_** _I want to plead. **'Don't make ME leave.'** I need you so much._

In the chaos she hardly noticed the way her nails were digging into her own skin. Something about the gentleness with which he soothingly rocked her made her bereaved heart lurch, and a wordless cry escaped her lips at the bitter sweetness of it all.

For after today, Maya didn't know when he would ever be able to hold her like this, or when they'd even be together again. And it killed her all the more.

He couldn't bear the sound of her tears, and scarcely managed to hold back his own as he rested his chin atop her head.

"I'm so sorry for your loss, Maya. I wish to God there was some way I could take away your suffering. Just know that you're not alone. I'm still going to be there for you. A little physical distance between us isn't ever going to change that!"

 _I love you_ , she longed to say, and muffled back a sob as she felt her body begin to shudder in his embrace. _I'm already running out of pep talks trying to convince myself that I'm going to be fine without you._

"What's wrong, Maya? You're _trembling_." He drew back slightly and apprehensively surveyed the tremulous spirit medium, noting her quivering lips. "It's like you're – _scared_ or something? But the nightmare is over, so that can't be the case, surely?"

She vainly attempted to steady herself, but her voice was beginning to crack.

"But I _am_ ," she whispered shakily. "I _am_ scared. Nick. I'm more scared than I've ever been in my whole life."

"The worst is over, Maya." He gently brushed her hair back from her forehead. "It's all over now, and nobody can ever hurt you again. There's nothing to be afraid of anymore. You're safe. And I'm only a two hour train ride away…"

"No, it's not that." She shook her head as her maudlin eyes peered beseeching into his. "I'm _scared to death_ , Nick, because there's I have _zero_ guaranteed tomorrows with you anymore! B –Because once you leave here today…you could literally just leave _me_ …leave _my_ life now, at any moment. And there isn't a single damn thing I can do about it!"

" _Maya_ …"

How fervently Phoenix wished this was _any_ other occasion at all, so that there was something tangible he could do to raise her spirits, because seeing the normally jaunty Burger Queen in such a lachrymose state was rubbing his heart raw.

In _any_ other instance, like if this been some other sort of _happier_ social gathering, even though the legal legend knew he had two left feet, he'd have asked her to dance. Taken her hands and pulled her up off the ground. His tiny dancer would be fluid like water, like the wind and rain. He'd merrily observe her twirling, round and round, as though she were a tornado.

Or perhaps he'd sing her a song. She would rest her head on his chest and giggle uncontrollably.

"Nick, you dork! You can't even sing!" She would titter, her gales of laughter sounding like music to his ears. "Stop assaulting my ears, old man!"

Regardless, he would not stop. He would not stop until she was begging for his silence with her lips on his in muffled gasps.

Or he would tell her a story. Like the time when he was five, before he'd gotten swimming lessons, and fell into a pond and almost drowned. The he'd mention how he was so glad a passerby dived in and saved his life, because otherwise he would never have met her.

What he really wished he could do, above all else, was freeze time, and just stay with her for as long as she needed. Simply embrace her, sit in silence and trace the veins in her neck with his tongue until she sighed and whispered, " _You are keeping me alive_."

Then she'd claim she was doing just fine on her own now, yet he'd still hold her a little closer and tighter nevertheless, because he knew she needed it, but moreover, because he _wanted_ to.

Because he loved her so damn much that he'd run across a burning bridge for her without hesitation or even giving a second thought to his own safety, and would do it again in a heartbeat.

Yet this _wasn't_ another cheerier instance, but an utmost somber juncture. Ergo, such long unspoken proclamations would not be prudent to unveil at this moment. Plus, the Gumshoes were waiting for him. Therefore, Phoenix was limited in what he could say or do, to give comfort to the girl he loved with all his heart.

"Nobody should feel like they have to keep smiling all the time." He struggled to keep his voice even as he tried to smile reassuringly. "Memories haunt us at any time. Even at 2:00 in the morning, and you are in deep sleep and suddenly you wake up with wet eyes. Remember not to be afraid to stop and pray if need be, nor be ashamed to cry, because sometimes we need to take a break and reinforce our strength."

These were the only sentiments he could allow himself to utter as he cradled her tear-stained face in his hands, vehemently wishing he could kiss her tears away, but instead leaned forward to press a final farewell kiss on her forehead.

"Ultimately, I know you'll get through this. I believe this with all my heart, because you are _the_ strongest, most resilient girl I've ever known. All the same, don't need to feel like you've got to pull through this on your own. Remember, anytime you need _anything_ , day or night, just _call me_. I promise you that I'll be right there," Phoenix vowed fiercely. "I swear, Maya Fey, I'll _always_ be here for you."

* * *

 _Kurain Village_ – May 24, 2026

" _Sufferin' succotash!_ If this harebrained, cockamamie rigmarole actually pans out, I'll be a _monkey's bare-assed uncle!"_

As he neared the remote village and saw the iconoclastic, Asian-inspired buildings set up in the inspired style of feudal Japan, Tyrell Badd persisted with his nonstop grumbling while he fidgeted with the matching silky vest of his pinstriped suit for the zillionth time.

"Also, I judge nobody but _myself_ for letting my niece effectively con me into not only getting a shave and a haircut for this little excursion, but also borrowing this blasted ensemble which doesn't even fit me right! The things I do for that girl, I swear!"

He jerked impotently at the unyielding material around his collar, attempting to slightly loosen the unrelenting knotted tie Maggey had wrapped about his neck that morning that would have stumped even the staunchest of Boy Scouts. Or _Girl Scouts_ in this case.

 _Not that the former Goddess of Misfortune made it past one week in first level Girl Scout Daisies before singlehandedly being responsible for the counselors banning the game of Duck-Duck-Goose – due to grievous bodily injuries!_ _At the age of 5 the future Mrs. Gumshoe **broke own her nose** because she didn't seem to understand the concept of a circle, and ran straight into a wall, full speed! Heh! What a maroon!_

Letting out a rueful chuckle memory of the anecdote, the past crime investigator then resumed mentally cursing the fact that Kay had managed to force him to don the ill-fitting, three-piece, black pinstriped ensemble and silver necktie that was borrowed from his former apprentice.

Not only was his ex-protégé's suit slightly too tight and too baggy in all the wrong places, as the human tank that was Dick Gumshoe was slightly broader than even the athletically built former Yatagarasu himself, but also a good couple of inches shorter than his 6'2" frame. The blundering younger man also apparently had a thicker neck than his old mentor, hence Maggey's foreseen need to have tightened it extra snugly around Badd's neck – to the point where he felt as though his head were in a noose!

In all fairness to the one-time policewoman and bumbling Detective, the ornery ex-sleuth undoubtedly would've complained about wearing _any_ sort of even remotely formal wear, _regardless_ of who it belonged to! When Badd had been on the force, he'd always looped his own tie around the collar as loosely as possible; the cumbersome accessory had _always_ given him a choking sensation.

Having grown accustomed to his life in retirement these last few years, the tie felt especially stifling right now, as his days were usually spent in comfortable joggers or jeans as standard attire, no jacket nor tie required!

Despite his misgivings about the task at hand, his only discomfort was related to his apparel, _not_ his ability to be successful in the mission at hand. This mission didn't require any true thespian skills, and although he was no longer a working detective, his more than sufficient undercover instincts were still in high gear in preparation for the role he was about to play.

* * *

 ** _Flashback: The previous afternoon…_**

 _Detective Badd's House –_ May 23, 2026

"What in blazes do you _mean_ the Gumshoe's are expecting me at their place tomorrow morning before I head up to Kurain? And that he's lending me one of his suits?" Badd demanded of his niece during their eleventh hour video chat."What in Sam Hill is wrong with my own getup of suspenders, tie and trench?!"

"For one, Uncle Badd said outfit is even older than _I_ am!" The self-proclaimed Yatagarasu explained indulgently. "Since you refused to go _buy_ yourself a new suit, I've had no choice but to play _fashion kibitzer_ and get creative with ensuring you're dressed accordingly for this undercover operation!"

"And just who the devil do I need to impress so badly?" He bristled. "What's the scuttlebutt on this loony _Plum_ crone whose suspicious activities I'm going to investigate –"

"It's _Violet_ , not _Plum_ , Uncle Badd," she corrected. "A totally different shade of purple altogether!"

"Call it what you want, but I associate any variant of the color with _bruises!_ Either way, _whatsherface_ is only some _spook-racket kook_ living out in the sticks, _not_ the _Queen of England!"_

"Irrespective of her not being royalty, she is still head of the esteemed Elder Council, so you're required to come across as a _respectable gentleman_ of the community, who's seeking spiritual guidance from this spiritually renowned, matriarchal society! In other words, you will _already_ stick out like a sore thumb being a man in an all-female village, which means you _cannot_ compound matters by showing up in a trench coat and tie that _have more bullet holes than_ _Swiss_ _cheese_!"

"Who gives a rat's arse if my clothes are riddled with bullet holes?" He barked back defensively. "Every single one of those holes has a different story behind it, and show how I successfully managed to flipped off _death_ each and every time, and I'm damn proud of them! They're like the equivalent to _badges of honor_ on a war vet, dammit!"

"And you absolutely _should_ be proud to have given the Grim Reaper the finger more times than anyone can count, _Uncle Badass_!" Kay soothed, her placating smile belying her no-nonsense tone. "However, this favor isn't for _me_ , but for a close friend of _Mr. Edgeworth_ , whom you _know and like_ , very well! Moreover, having gone over the nature of the circumstances, it seems the handling of this shady situation needs to be done in a very delicate manner. A woman's _life_ is potentially at stake here! We simply can't afford to take any risks!"

"Yeah, Miles is a swell guy, so no doubt anyone he cares about must be a good egg by proxy," Badd conceded, popping a fresh lollipop in his mouth. "This will be an interesting feat. I've been spending most of my free time keeping my aim sharp down at the shooting range, so taking the time to help him out with this venture isn't really a cramp in my schedule."

"You'd _still_ assist, even if it _was_ , cuz you're just a big ol' softie and you _know_ it!"

Kay wisely ceased her ribbing when she saw the tsundere man's thunderous expression.

" _Anyway_ , this particular obligement merely entails _one_ lousy day of leaving your precious comfort zone and cleaning yourself up, so that you're presented as a _mild-mannered_ and _harmless_ _gentleman_! You goal is supposed to be convincing these women you're a _grieving widower_ , which is why we can't have you arrive all gangbusters and in _intimidating_ _detective_ mode!"

"Fine, fine," he harrumphed grumpily. "I _get_ it! I also got your couriered package this morning with those key items I'm going to need for tomorrow. Guess I'm all set for this stealthy meeting."

"There's just _one_ more thing to keep in mind." Kay chose her words carefully. "Since you're going through all the trouble of appearing as trustworthy and _approachable_ as possible…perhaps you could also…ah… curb that _sourpuss_ of yours?"

"Do I need to teach you a thing or two about how to talk to adults, kid!?" She was rewarded with a baleful glare that could have bored holes through a wall. "Remember that _I'm_ doing _you_ a favor! And FYI this happens to be the _demeanor_ I was _born_ with!"

He punctuated this by chomping the head right off the lollipop he'd just popped into his mouth – followed by immediately easing her anxiousness by flashing her a crooked grin, indicating he'd been yanking her chain the whole time with the affronted act.

Kay relaxed and raised a gloved hand to her lips to fight back a snicker at how convincing he'd been with the bout of mock outrage. She never should even momentarily forgotten her uncle was all bark and no bite nor doubted that he could certainly break out the required theatrics with the best of them, no problem!

"That was _Oscar worthy_ right there! And for the record, there's nothing _wrong_ with your face, Uncle Badd," the ebony-haired Interpol agent replied sweetly. "It's just that _more_ of it shall be visible once you shave off that scruff, so it wouldn't kill you to _lose the scowl!_ How are you supposed to make a good first impression if you go in there wearing that trademark, _stare down a cobra_ look? Better yet, you'd look a good ten years younger if you actually _smiled_!"

Her tone took on a teasing note.

"Kurain village is full of nothing but mostly _single_ women you know! One of them may _take a shine_ to you, once it's apparent that when he's not shooting lethal glares about him, the strappingly rugged ex-detective in their midst is still quite the _fine lady-killer specimen_!"

"Can it with the flattery, kid! You're so full of crap, those eyes are turning brown as we speak!" Badd responded gruffly, trying to mask his embarrassment at the unexpected compliment. "Ain't nobody going to make eyes at this over the hill former flatfoot without _averting_ them right afterward! I'm _as old as the hills_ and you _know_ it!"

"I wouldn't say you're _over_ the hill, Uncle Badd!" She snickered. "You're just _high enough to get a nose bleed_!"

"Hardy har har. You're just a real riot, missy! Remind me to send you _a lump of coal_ at Christmastime!"

"Come on! You know I'm just bustin' your chops! I'll love you till the end of time, darling _eld, grouchy_ , but _ever_ - _favorite,_ Uncle of Mine!" Kay promised solemnly, even though her jade orbs were sparkling with mischief. "Just a friendly reminder, that tomorrow, you are _not_ retired _Detective Tyrell Badd_ …but bereaved widower, _Oliver Closof!"_

Upon the first time hearing of his ludicrous undercover identity, Badd nearly choked on the mouthful of black coffee he'd just taken a heft swig of.

" _What the shit_?! All of her _what_ now?! Jesus take the wheel, Kay! _What in God's name_ were you _thinking_?!"

"I've gotta go now, _Uncle Oliver_! Lang's calling me." Kay smiled angelically and blew one last kiss at the camera, giggling maniacally at his disbelieving expression. "Oh, and remember, you were sent by your benign niece, _Carrie Oakey_ – yes _we_ both know I can't even _carry a tune in a basket_ , but _they_ don't need to know that! Hee! Call me as soon as you're done! Good luck! _Byee_!"

" _Uurrngh!"_

The wily ninja quickly disconnected the call right then, before her incredulous _Uncle of Objectionable Name_ had finished spluttering on his java.

 ** _End Flashback_**

* * *

 _Kurain Village_ – May 24, 2026

Badd saw the diminutive figure in black kimono awaiting his arrival as he sauntered up to the village entrance. He'd half-expected her be wearing some sort of _mantelet_ draped over her shoulders, since this could be none other than _She of Purple Cloak_ , Ms. Violet Manteau herself.

 _So **this** is the supposed face of evil I'm to be jalousie of_ , the burly man mused. _Sure I'd prefer to put an ice-pick under my toenail and kick a coffee table than stare too long at that Medusa mug, but that's only out of my desire not to be turned to stone! This old bag still looks more like someone's **grandmother** rather than some sort of shifty criminal mastermind! After all, being ugly as sin doesn't necessarily make you **wicked**!_

Violet Manteau was clearly _as old as balls,_ but not the kind of elderly woman one pitied with their old bones and feeble limbs, but the kind who could still run an army kitchen given half a chance. It was also evident that she was keen on fighting the aging process every step of the way. The small jet-black bun on top of her head was so tight that made her slanted almond eyes almost seem to be near the sides of her head, and further pulled her alabaster skin – which had obviously had plastic surgery done to it – resulting in an over-tight, strained look. Her painted lips had been fattened and her eyelashes were clearly false. What the loose-flowing kimono also failed to hide was the redistribution of her body fat, showing her waist was thick and her stomach was paunchy beneath the silky fabric. She was at the point that the more effort she made to appear youthful, the worse she would look.

 _Which is **really saying something** , seeing as I'd rather, if ever waking up with my arm around her, **chew said arm off** —in the manner of a wild canine escaping from a steel-jaw trap—rather than pull it back away from this Coyote Ugly she-thing!_

In spite of his dubious speculations, his police instincts kicked into high gear as he further contemplated the female of undeterminable age standing before him. Her nose was a hawk's beak, and her small onyx eyes were sharp as she aloofly scanned the towering giant in front of her, positively emanating an air of exceeded hauteur, coupled with a very repulsive expression.

"Mr. Closof, I presume?" The cold, unwavering twin coals never left his mien. "Good Day. I am Violet Manteau, head of the Elder Council."

Upon hearing her speak for the first time, Badd immediately realized how specious his unassuming first impression had been to ever deem this beldam as even _remotely_ innoxious! The voice was high-pitched and raspy, like Natasha Ayasato's, but instead of being merely _nerve grating_ , Violet's more whispery falsetto, carrying an eerie, childlike quality – was outright _nightmare inducing_!

 _Dip me in shit and call me a turdsicle! She's the **vocal** doppelganger of Tangina, the eccentric spirit medium from the cult classic horror film, **Poltergeist** ! That dame's vocals were even more skin-crawling than the movie itself!_

The sudden horripilation of his tingling arm hairs was as discomfiting as hell – the woman's sound was _that_ petrifying! Kay Faraday, the daring ninja, had mentioned how simply _talking_ _on the phone_ to the harridan had given _her_ goosebumps, too, yet Badd had figured his niece was simply exaggerating her claims. But now, upon coming _face to face_ with that voice, the normally fearless badass could _literally_ feel his _balls jumping back inside his body_!

In spite of his instructions to appear gentlemanly, Badd couldn't summon up the ability to extend his palm for a handshake, as social convention would have dictated – he would have preferred to _rip his heart out of his rib cage with his bare hands and then throw it on the floor and stomped on it 'till he died_ , rather than feel the touch of Violet's creped flesh against his!

"Nice to meet you." He graciously inclined his head and kept his fists buried safely in his trouser pockets, offering his most congenial smile in lieu of his hand. "Carrie mentioned that you're booked solid, and had to _squeeze_ me in, so am much obliged."

"It is the exalted goal of Kurain to reconnect _anyone and everyone_ who's in need of connecting with their dearly departed," Violet responded coolly. "Alas, we only have _one_ truly gifted spirit who is capable of the daunting task, so we are booked back to back, with another appointment immediately following yours. It's most auspicious that you're punctual, Mr. Closof, because it would have been _quite unfortunate_ if I'd already left to attend my duties at Hazakura Temple, had you been _even a minute_ late, thereby making your appointed slot thus forfeited."

Now that his initial trepidation had abated somewhat, Badd immediately loathed the elder at first sight. The woman positively _screamed_ the term _'Disney evil!'_

"Is that right? I would have missed out _on the entire appointment_ if I'd been _remotely late_ , even though _you're_ not the one who does the channelings?"

"The demand for our services _far_ exceeds our supply, sir." Violet's tone indicated she did not appreciate being questioned. "Hence, we run quite the tight ship here. Time is money, and money is time, so it pays to be punctual! Miss Oakley indicated the considerably _dire straits_ you were in, so it would have been a crying shame to lose the _substantial, non-refundable deposit_ your niece put down."

 _That's not a tight **ship** you're running, you morally bankrupt, mercenary opportunist!_ Badd seethed, clenching his unseen pocketed hands. _It's a tight **fist** …clenching the hard-earned dollars of desperate, bereaved and unsuspecting patrons! I'd ask how she sleeps at night, but I shudder to think about the answer, which is most likely: 'On top of my pet gargoyle with my back arched and my head in a pail of cool, clean blood of sacrificial virgins!'_

"That's my Carrie, always looking out for me," Badd answered tightly. "Seeing as how time is of the essence, how about we get the ball rolling then?"

"We are awaiting the arrival of Mystic Pearl." Her lurid pink lips turned up in a supercilious smile, deciding his fate. "I shall make leave as soon as she arrives."

"Here I am, Mystic Violet," a soft voice chimed, coming from behind the former detective.

Turning around, Badd got his first view of the missing Master's cousin, Pearl Fey, a jimp ingénue with wide-set gray eyes, which bore dark shadows beneath them, and a drawn expression, even as she attempted to smile in greeting at her visitor.

"Mystic Pearl, it is now _12:02_ ," Violet noted crisply. "It is quite brute to keep a client waiting! I was just explaining the importance of _promptness_ to our guest and it makes me look rather foolish when I cannot even demonstrate our _zero-tolerance for tardiness_ when it is made to look like I can't even enforce the compliance of these basic standards amongst her own residents!"

Badd stared in disbelief at the harpy for speaking in such a scurrilous manner to this doll-faced, mere slip of a girl. He cast an apprehensive at the tiny spirit medium, who looked absolutely exhausted and ready to fall asleep on her feet, and felt his disgust and blood pressure rapidly escalating.

"I'm sorry, Mystic Violet." Pearl hung her head in shame. "I had to make a quick trip to the bathroom and I thought I had a couple of extra minutes after my last client left."

"Well you should consume less liquids then!" Violet snapped, waving her bony finger at the chastened teen. "You already had a bathroom break _at dawn_!"

 _That does it!_ Badd's eyebrows drew together sharply as he tried to keep his fierce mounting temper from exploding, lest he blow the entire operation. _I'm about to gnaw off my tongue if I hold it another minute! This sweet little thing isn't much younger than Kay – and heaven help anyone, man or woman, that would dare talk to or treat her this way! No kid should be subjected to this torture! Not on **my** watch!_

"I assure you madam, there was no inconvenience done to me whatsoever in these past few moments," he stated evenly, forcing down the ire building within him while playing his gentleman's role to a hilt. "For I have been so engrossed in making the pleasure of your acquaintance, I paid no mind whatsoever to the time. No harm, no foul, as far as I'm concerned."

Without even bothering to gauge Violet's reaction to his assertion, he then shifted his attention over to Pearl, treating her to his first genuine smile of the day, and extended his hand, which she tentatively shook.

"Greetings, Mystic Pearl. I'm Oliver Closof. It's a real pleasure to meet you."

"It's nice to meet you too," Pearl answered, barely stifling the yawn creeping into her soft-spoken lilt. "If you'll please follow me to Fey Manor, we can get started with your session."

"I'll be on my way then." There was a blast of Arctic in the elder's cadence as she nodded stiffly at Badd and Pearl. "Mystic Pearl, your next appointment is at 1:00, so I trust you shan't have any delays in meeting _them_ , and will _appear more alive_!"

"Of course, Mystic Violet. Please give my regards to Sister Bikini."

Pearl miraculously seemed to get a second wind at the hidden warning. Smiling prettily she somehow managed to produce more pep in her step as she led Badd down the path leading to the Channeling Chamber, both feeling the disapproving dark eyes of the elder boring into their backs as they walked away.

Once inside the darkened, candle-lit room, the tiny girl seemed relieved to be off her feet again, and sank down to her knees, with her bottom resting on her heels, onto the wooden floor, waving a hand at the big man to mimic her actions.

"Let's get started, shall we?" She asked brightly. "You were looking to channel the spirit of your wife, is that right? Calisto Yew, was the name I was given. Do you have a picture for me to look at, Mr. Closof?"

Reaching into his pocket, Badd retrieved one of the items from the package his niece had sent, and slid over the old photo. It had once shown the original three members of the Yatagarasu: himself, Bryne Faraday, and Calisto, the clandestine smuggling ring associate, who'd been posing as a defense attorney at the time. Kay had manipulated the picture and removed her father from it, so it looked as though it was only the detective and Bryne's killer posing together.

"She's…very… pretty," Pearl murmured unconvincingly as she took the submitted image. "Even though this is black and white, it should suffice…"

Casting a quick gander around the room, Badd narrowed his eyes and stared intently at the teen.

"Does this place have any kind of video or recording equipment?"

"Of course not! We can absolutely guarantee and value your privacy as a client!" Pearl said quickly. "I mean, Mystic Maya _was_ considering putting them in, after _the incident_ that happened here 10 years ago, but then she went away barely a week after she became Master…"

Dropping her eyes, she bit her thumb and turned bright red, realizing she had spoken far too much.

"Don't you worry, sir! While it is my cousin, not myself, who is the Master of Kurain, I assure you that despite my young age, as _acting Master_ , I am more than capable enough to handle your channeling needs!"

This claim had much less conviction than intended, as the girl appeared to sway slightly from her prayer pose right after, and she smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry about that. I guess I'm a little tired, that's all." She waved away the proffered freshly wrapped lollipop Badd instantly waved at her. "That's very nice of you, but no thank you. I'm fine, really."

" _Take it!"_ He ordered firmly. "Have you even had _anything_ to eat today at all? I have a niece who isn't much older than you are, and I would recognize _a kid's hunger sways_ one hundred miles away!"

"I ate breakfast just before my first client at sunrise, and my day is going to be over at 6:00, so I'll be fine until dinnertime!" She replied politely. "Also, I may be small so I look a lot younger than I am, but I'm 16, Mr. Closof."

"You're a growing girl nevertheless, and you last ate _over six hours ago_ with barely even a bathroom break ever since!" A note of frustration crept into his voice as he waved the candy at her. "Just eat it already!"

"That wouldn't be very professional!" Pearl said primly, looking apologetic. "And no offense but I was always taught never to take candy from strangers."

"Well then allow me to introduce myself to you properly, and cut to the chase."

Reaching into his wallet, the former Detective pulled out his old badge and ID, along with two more objects his Kay had sent. He slapped them down in front of the astonished, wide-eyed girl.

"I am _not_ actually a grieving widower with a ridiculous cartoon character name who is in need of channeling. My _real_ name is Tyrell Badd. I'm a former Detective who is very good friends with a man I'm sure you know quite well. His name is Miles Edgeworth."

" _Mr. Eh-ji-worth_?" Pearl's surprised lips fell open into a wide O-shape as her hands flew to her cheeks. "Y -You _know_ him?!"

He nodded silently.

There was a lingering moment of speculative silence as the prodigy psychic's Bambi-sized eyes studied the gruff exterior of the stranger sitting across from her, obviously relying on her keen intuition to guide her mind in allowing her to trust him or not. Apparently, he passed the test, as he saw a tiny flare of hope glimmer in the formerly exhausted orbs, although a slight flicker of caution remained.

"B-But…how do I know you're telling the truth and you're not just _claiming_ to know my friend?"

"Take a look at the other couple of items there, Pearl," he instructed patiently, gesturing to the assortment of variables laid out before them. "You will see the first item is a red, limited edition, _no longer available_ key chain of the now defunct TV show, _Signal Samurai_ , with the engraved initials, _M.E_. indicating it belongs Prosecutor Edgeworth. He basically made me swear _a blood oath_ that no harm would come to this secret prized possession he still has to this day. This is an extremely sentimental keepsake from his early days of friendship with another man whom you and your cousin knew very well – Mr. Phoenix Wright."

" _Mr. Nick_?" Pearl gasped, clapping a hand to her mouth. "Oh, how I _miss him_!"

"Yes, Mr. Nick." Badd tapped a large, roughened finger at the photograph next to the key chain. "This is a childhood snapshot of Miles Edgeworth, Phoenix Wright and Larry Butz, the latter whom I also know, as schoolboys with their red, blue and yellow _Signal Samurai_ key chains."

He pulled out the final item from his jacket pocket.

"And here is a photo of me, Larry and the good prosecutor that his assistant, Kay took of us after we cracked the smuggling ring case many years ago, as further evidence that I am a friend of Miles Edgeworth, who is overseas right now. He somehow had a brief moment of contact with your cousin, and based on their conversation, fears she may be in trouble. That's why _I'm_ here, Pearl. I'd like to find her. Can you help me out by telling me what you know?"

With shaking hands, Pearl gratefully accepted the lollipop he nudged at her again, her face lighting up with pleasure as the saccharine flavor coated her starved taste buds and gave him a thumbs up to indicate he had her full trust now.

"Thanks, Mr. Tyrell!" She grinned. "I needed this _so_ bad! And of course, I'll tell you everything I know, but it's not much, I'm afraid."

Badd listened intently as Pearl relayed a story almost identical to the one she'd told Edgeworth when he'd rung last month, searching for Maya.

Seven years ago, barely a week after Misty Fey's funeral, and at the bidding of Violet Manteau, the new Master had been shuffled onto "spiritual retreats" lasting anywhere from one to two weeks. They were all in isolated locations across the country, where Maya was never accessible by phone.

"From end of February till April, Mr. Nick would call constantly for Mystic Maya," Pearl recalled dismally. "He always sounded so disappointed whenever I had to tell him that she wasn't here, and didn't have her cell with her, so that not even _I_ could reach her, wherever she was! After a while…he just stopped calling her altogether."

* * *

 ** _Flashback: Seven years ago_**

 _(Former) Wright and Co. Law Offices –_ May 2, 2019

The dejected ex-attorney numbly replaced the receiver into the cradle.

"I never imagined that we would stop talking, or that _she_ , of all people, would turn her back on me after all I'd done for her."

It was his millionth futile attempt to try to reach Maya, whom he hadn't spoken to since the day after Misty Fey's funeral back in February. He'd tried to contact her…and each time, had failed miserably.

Phoenix rubbed his bleary eyes with the heel of his palms as he continued lamenting aloud in the empty room that had once been his office.

"I figured she was better than my other so-called friends, who all turned their backs on me. I thought I meant more to her than that. I want to be wanted by someone that wants me even after they stopped needing me. Obviously that's not, and never will be, Maya. She couldn't care _less_ about me, which sucks because I couldn't possibly care _more_ about her. Once upon a time, she'd tell me her troubles and how the tsunami in her head was ruining her life. We were truly best friends. Now, she doesn't even respond to my messages."

His pitiless mind taunted him as he took a hefty swig of the cheap wine that had become his new constant companion.

 _You want to know why you haven't stopped drinking like a wino since you lost your badge, Phoenix? You drink your thoughts and feelings away slowly, trying to drown your sorrow by emptying a pool of lies. Not so that you cannot walk but just enough to numb the pain for that night. The downside about trying to numb this pain is you being bitterly honest which results in you thinking about your pain even more. The conclusion is you revealing truths about a life that now lies in tatters and a heart that is now officially shattered._

And for the umpteenth time, his attempts to reach his best friend had been in vain. The calls went straight to voicemail without ringing, the texts and emails went unanswered. This time around, when he'd rung Fey Manor, instead of the dulcet Pearl making pleasant small-talk with him before sadly informing him her cousin was away on business and that she herself was unable to reach her, a chilling, unidentified female had picked up.

Then the strange voice had icily informed Phoenix Wright of forging attorney acclaim that the prestigious Master of Kurain was not available, and no longer wished to have anything to do with him, and to kindly please stop harassing her. Then, before he could utter another word, she'd gone on to announce that if he dared sully Kurain with his degenerate presence, she'd have him charged with trespassing, then hung up on him.

Sinking down onto the couch, he buried his devastated head in his hands.

 _Today I thought about her 24 times, I counted. I'm not quite sure if it's more or less than the day before and I'm not quite sure either which one I prefer. It's been a while and I still can't shake the feeling that I'm missing part of me, like she was somehow tattooed on me and something is slowly fading her away from me. Today I realized I don't fully remember how her hug feels like. And for a moment I even forgot how her voice sounded like and with the emptiness of the noises, I think I could hear my heart cracking a bit more. It hasn't been that long, but I can't help but be scared that someday I will forget the color of the eyes that one day gave me life and taught me what love is. I can't help but sit around and try to relive all the memories because I'm too afraid to forget. Today, after being told – in no uncertain terms and no mincing of words, to fuck right off – I can say that I'm going to move on, but I can't just forget her. No, not yet. Honestly? I hope I never do._

He reached for his ever-present bottle of wine and downed the remaining claret liquid in one gulp.

 _I guess it was my fault in the end._ _I should have told her how much she meant to me when I had the chance. I had three damn years of chances! I grew complacent. I became careless. The way that I loved her, I thought I would always be her favorite - as she was mine. I never realized that even we were subject to the constraints of time and space. I never realized that after all we endured together, that we weren't invincible._ _I never imagined that, for any reason at all, we would ever find ourselves drifting apart. But now the day has come that we could swear we had never even met. I don't know how I'd react if ever again I see her in person, but I do know that I will never be mad at her._

How could he be mad at the person closest to him? The one he'd risked everything for? Whom he'd fought tooth and nail for all these years, to keep safe and alive and by his side? The person who'd been the joy and light of his otherwise boring lawyer life?

 _It is these moments that I think about now - now that she is gone. I remember that glorious obsidian mane and that impish grin and her melodic laughter. She was so cheerful and enthusiastic about everything – the simplest things made her happy. A silly children's action show. A burger or twelve. That was all it took – but each and every time she looked so happy that I couldn't help but laugh whenever she did. I couldn't help but love her. I wonder whether she still wears those baubles in her hair and throws her head back and laughs with her whole heart whenever she feels happy. I hope that she does. I loved her like I've never loved anyone._

He shut his eyes tightly to squelch the stinging sensation behind them and drew in an unsteady breath.

"Sometimes, sometimes I'll still let myself wonder how you're doing – and if some lucky bastard has captured your heart in a way I obviously never could. In spite of how you cast me aside, I'm still glad to have known you, Maya. To have had all those great movie nights, and day trips… and all those midnight conversations in the dark that would last until dawn. Someday I may even write you a letter and put it in my top drawer, and wish I had the courage to send it."

His heartache had wrung him out until he was dry inside, and no more tears would come. His insides felt as raw as if a winter wind was blowing right through his skin.

 _And what I wish I could say to you is this: Maya Fey, wherever you are, I really hope that you're doing well. I hope you know that I haven't forgotten you. I don't think I ever will. I'll be here if you ever change your mind and need me. I'm rooting for you. Even if we don't speak, I'll always be rooting for you. Because once you love someone, the way I loved you, it doesn't just stop. It never stops. I think my love is immortal. No matter how many times people kill it, it never dies._

 ** _End Flashback_**

* * *

 _Kurain Village_ – May 24, 2026

"That sounds pretty fishy if you ask me." Badd frowned. "Your cousin was _supposedly_ still in the country, but _completely_ cut off from the rest of the world in the name of _training_?! What the heck would this Violet broad have done if some kind of emergency had happened here at home?"

"Mystic Violet claimed the reason Mystic Maya was unreachable was so no _"outside interferences"_ could hinder her training. However, she assured me that only _she_ could easily reach my cousin if any sort of emergency had arisen during her transcendent explorations."

The teen went on to explain that Maya had come back from her travels the second week of April 2019, and the cousins had trained together in Eagle Mountain for a couple of days, until April 17, 2019. That day, Pearl had hugged her kinswoman goodbye for the last time. Thereafter, cell phone in hand while smilingly waving out the rear window of the airport bound taxi, Maya Fey had been shipped off to Zheng-Fa for an "undetermined time" in order complete the required full-fledged training to become recognized and the official Master of Kurain…Never to be seen again.

"You didn't _ever_ hear from her again after that?!" Badd probed the downtrodden spirit medium. "You poor kid! How did you know she was even alive? Obviously, Miles confirmed she _is_ , since he managed to chat with her online, but there was nothing at all to indicate to you up until now that Maya hadn't passed on…to the other side?"

"I knew Mystic Maya was alive because I've been unable to channel her," Pearl elucidated morosely, digging into the pocket of her acolyte robes and holding out a folded sheet of paper. "About a month after she left for the last time, this letter arrived for me in the mail with no return address. I recognized her handwriting immediately, but as you can see yourself from this note, it doesn't tell me anything! It just says I should be a good girl and continue my studies and that her wishes were for me to become _acting Master_ in her absence…and then eventually _in her place_!"

She sniffled and dabbed at her eyes with the sash of her robe and eyed Badd unhappily.

"It was my _mother's_ wish for me to be Master of Kurain – never _mine_! But my mom has crossed over to the Twilight Realm, so I can't even blame this on her! Otherwise, if I didn't know better, I'd think she was still controlling things and orchestrating all of this – from _beyond the grave!"_

Badd grimly took the letter from the woeful girl – the distraught kid obviously carried it with her day and night as the sole tangible memento she had left of her only living family. Clenching his lollipop tightly in his teeth, he carefully read the seemingly innocuous message, holding it closer to one of the flickering candelabra in the dimly lit room to make out the elegantly penned scrawl, which had faded with age.

 ** _Hap'piraki Pearly! Everything is going fine over here with my training. Lots of things to learn and do! Please remember to be a good girl and obey Mystic Violet. Maybe if you practice really hard with your training, you can even be acting master while I'm gone. Everyone here has been nice. I wish you could meet them. Anyway, something funny happened the other day. My foot got caught on a log and I tripped. But the funniest part was when a bird pooped on my head. Everyone laughed at that. I couldn't believe it myself. No one warned me there was a big log in front of me! Gotta make sure to look out! How are the other villagers? Everything okay with them? Little by little, if you stay on top of your training, I believe you can eventually become a great leader while I'm gone. Develop those spirituals powers just a bit more, you'll be ready to take over the master role for good! Have you started the special training courses yet? Enhance those powers so that you will be the best leader ever! Remember that this would be my sole fondest wish! Everyone would agree that you are the one who should have been the master! So, I guess that's it for now. Every day I think about how much I love and miss you. No need to be sad though because I always carry you in my heart. Do spare a thought for me and keep me in yours too! Hope everything is going well for you! Enclosing a bunch of hugs and kisses! Lots of love. Please say hi to everyone!_**

"Ja - HEEE - zus ... JOE - seff ... and MARY!" Badd let out a low whistle as he peered back up at the expectant girl. "That cousin of yours is a clever one, alright! This letter she wrote you was written in nearly imperceptible _Acrostic Code_!"

" _Ac-ro-stick_?" Pearl echoed blankly. "You mean it's a _secret message_?!"

"You better believe it is." He flicked his finger against the page. "And little lady, _you_ have given _me_ a definitive piece of evidence which proves that wherever Maya is, she's being retained against her will!"

He circled the first capital letter of every sentence, and Pearl let out a loud gasp as she saw the hidden meaning in the note, her eyes the size of saucers.

 **~HELP ME I AM BEING HELD HERE SEND HELP~**

* * *

 _Wright Anything Agency_ – July 10, 2026

A nudge to his ribs made the soporific Phoenix jolt awake, every thought in high definition, yet slowly hazy at the same time.

 _How long was I out?_ He felt quite disoriented as he tried to recall the previous chain of events leading up the strange feeling of discomfort in his skull. _I really hope it wasn't long…_

His face throbbed on one side, as though the anesthetic administered by a dentist had worn off, but the dull, lingering toothache by his lower jaw remained.

 _Funny, I don't recall having any dental work done. Or having a cavity. Or even having the funds to go to a damn dentist…_

Another poke to his side, making him realize he was sprawled, face up, on the couch in his office.

When had he lain down? The last thing he remembered was going to answer a knock at the door…

Phoenix jerked up on the cushions and looked about wildly, his confused eyes landing on the _very_ familiar, unsmiling face of the figure standing above him, who was presently offering him a makeshift ice-pack!

"I trust you're going to need this, Wright." There was a smug smile accompanying the amused glint in the well-known slate eyes, which were now fixated on the thunderstruck spiky-haired man. "I _suppose_ I should apologize for cold cocking you, but at least on my end, it's been _a long time coming_!"

" _Hold it!_ _You're_ the one who clocked me and knocked me out?!" Phoenix glared indignantly at his best friend, who glowered right back and crossed his arms defiantly over his chest.

" _Guilty_ as charged," the defendant admitted, not appearing one bit contrite. "I will acquiesce that my actions may have been...somewhat _objectionable_."

" _Somewhat_?!" The pianist clamped the frozen bag of peas against his jowl and scowled. "I was _out cold_ from that unjustified sucker punch, you _Ace Asshat_!"

"That's where you're wrong, Wright." The magenta-clad man sardonically lifted one well-groomed brow. "It _was_ justified, trust me."

" _Objection_! It most surely was _not_! What the hell did you deck me for, Edgeworth?!"

"For _defiling my sister_ , you _depraved, deviant scoundrel_! So _take that_!"

 **TO BE CONTINUED...**

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!_

 **Chapter 25**

 **Anonymous**

 _"MAYA HURRY UP AND LOVE YOUR HUSBANDO HE'S PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DRAINED!"_

Hurrah! We are finally back to Phoenix who is recovering from the blackout knuckle sandwich of the _fiend_ – er – _friend_ who knocked him out!

 **CzarThwomp**

The idea of Pearl slaps of fury making Nick and Maya have an impromptu wedding is an idea which I wish Capcom would adopt! I have no objections whatsoever! As for a code word… perhaps saying "I like vegan burgers?" would be the ultimate sign to let everyone know there's something rotten in the state of Denmark…pity Maya didn't think of that in the one letter she was allowed to write to Pearl!

 _"It's bad enough that Maya thinks that "The Plumed Punisher" is on par with "The Steel Samurai", but her reading words that aren't on a fast-food restaurant menu...? Just what kind of Orwellian torture is Inga using on that poor girl!? Is he making Maya watch videos of Ga'ran doing unspeakable things to his little aubergine to break her spirit? Whatever is happening to her, it only serves to make me all the more excited for when we learn exactly what Inga's motivation for kidnapping Maya in this timeline is."_

While we find out that this time, Inga wasn't the malevolent force behind poor Maya's incarceration, OMG! LOL. I'm not sure if a priestess (in training) _has_ to be chaste…but witnessing Inga's PUMB be PUNISHED is miraculously what still didn't manage to finally do what the evil powers that be have been trying to do to poor Maya all this time – break her spirit AND sear her retinas for life as she proceeded to throw herself off the nearest mountain because she couldn't bare the eyeball rape! That girl is made of some tough stuff!

Thanks for being funny AF as if tradition, and for giving me the idea of using your uproariously funny FF "The Imperial Daddy" as the inspiration for this chapter! J

 **Forgreatcoffee**

I love making Maya intentionally appear ditzy in my stories! I think most of us can agree that despite not being traditionally schooled that she most definitely is _not_ , and I never believed such was the case, because we've seen in the video games that she has pointed out things Phoenix himself has missed! I think one of the reasons she is my favorite videogame heroine is that I personally am very perky as well, and get a big kick out of it when people who are more austere seem so surprised that you don't have to have a stern persona in order to be clever! She definitely misspelled that word because as we thought of this chapter there are (evil!) eyes everywhere!

I wasn't sure if most my readers were too young to know who Skeletor was, but it's great that somebody picked up on the Eternia/He-Man villain moment!

I think Miles is in his element when he is getting his geek on… And since he is so normally pristine and well-groomed I was enjoying making him be absent-minded to the basics, like _brushing his teeth and showering_ , so he couldn't _properly_ thank Franny for saving the day… _Her_ choice not his! Personally I think she was doing too picky! I wouldn't kick The Edgeworth out of _my_ bed, regardless! XD

Franny might be a skilled multi-linguist, having been the one to solve the mystery that _Manteau_... is the French word for _cloak_ but I can't see her being an actress long enough to not be getting whip happy when she is supposed to be acting as though she is mourning, which would definitely send poor, overworked Pearl into hiding! Hence, my thinking that Detective Badd was the perfect one to seem coolheaded and unruffled! Also, I _really_ love my favorite badass Detective with a heart of gold!

 _"Now Kay, Or should I say Qui-Gon Jinn. We need to have a chat. Midi-chlorians... No. Just no. We do not speak of those. Keep it up and we will be taking away your Internet access!"_

I would like make a disclaimer that I absolutely _hate_ Star Wars with a passion that burns my soul, and the _Midi-chlorians_ line was actually canon! XD

 **Joeclone**

Maya and Miles… These two are the biggest Otakus in the series! All that's missing is real-life samurai Simon Blackquill to join the mix and weeb it up! XD

I'm really happy the puzzle worked out as well as it did in my head as I was hopelessly staring at the information page for the Evil Magistrate on the Ace Attorney wiki trying to think of how to cryptically point out the villain in this puzzling tableau in a way that would make possibly even Professor Layton proud!

 _"SHE GOT KIDNAPPED AGAIN? To the kidnapper, I'm going to RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND EAT YOUR ESOPHAGUS RAW ON A BED OF WILD RICE FOR DOING THIS!"_

Leaving reviews like this is not doing much to make me want to stop squishing your cheeks because you are too adorable for words! :-)

P.S. I know you said you're going back to school soon in your TE review, but you won't have to wait a month for next chapter – now that I got this sorely neglected FF updated again, the next chapter comes out this week! I hope you can still read somewhat, since I know how busy students are, but you will always be one of my fave readers no matter what!

 **Ilet Moratar**

Maya has been kidnapped officially 4 times if you count this story! Twice in SOJ and once in JFA. In this case she will have a few knights in shining armor, as the path will be made for Sir Blue Knight by Sir Red Knight….but the paved road to good intentions was done by my personal fave Detective BADASS! I hope my readers think the ending is excellent…but first Sir Blue Knight needs to be made aware the damsel is in distress and wake up from whatever knocked him out! Hee! My readers have been so happy with the entrance of The Edgeworth that they seemed to have forgotten that part or that the main protagonist has been missing last few chapters! XD

Franny in denial about her latent feelings for Edgy is hilarious isn't she? I know in canon she is very fond of Kay and has shown no jealousy of her (I agree Miles looks at the ninja beauty as more a younger sibling/daughter) but in the Miles games she has exhibited some pretty tell-tale signs of the green eyed monster, and that was prompted me to go with this angle – even if the age difference between her and Miles is only _2_ years less than the 9 years senior he is over Kay! "Do as I say don't do as I do" indeed! :p

Stop making me crave guarapo! I can't believe I need to wait another half year to get my fix of the Cuban sugary goodness of that drink! I'm sure a good teeth cleaning will fix Miles's coffee breath – I believe he's going to be back to his regular tea with breakfast by now…can't have him keep going the Godot route!


	27. Dangerous Liasons

_A/N:_ _Back to my sorely neglected story - thanks to everyone who's still reading in spite of the infrequent updates! Yes, I WILL finish this story...(_ _ **this year**_ _, so help me GOD!)  
_ _This chapter goes out to mi hermana dulce, Illet Moratar – thanks for your comical input which I used this chapter!_

* * *

 **Chapter Twenty-Seven:** **Dangerous Liaisons**

 _Above Wright Anything Agency_ – July 10, 2026

Phoenix jerked up on the cushions and glanced about wildly, his confused vision landing on the _very_ familiar, unsmiling mien of the figure standing above him, who was presently offering him a makeshift ice-pack!

"I trust you're going to need this, Wright." There was a smug smile accompanying the amused glint in the well-known slate eyes, which were now fixated on the thunderstruck, spiky-haired man. "I _suppose_ I should apologize for cold cocking you, but at least on my end, it's been _a long time coming_!"

" _Hold it!_ _You're_ the one who clocked me and knocked me out?!" Phoenix glared indignantly at his best friend, who glowered right back and crossed his arms defiantly over his broad chest.

" _Guilty_ as charged," the defendant admitted, not appearing one bit contrite. "I will acquiesce that my actions may have been...somewhat _objectionable_."

" _Somewhat_?!" The pianist clamped the proffered bag of frozen peas against his jaw and scowled. "I was _out cold_ from that unjustified sucker punch, you _Ace Asshat_!"

"That's where you're wrong, Wright." The magenta-clad man sardonically lifted one well-groomed brow. "It _was_ justified, trust me."

" _Objection_! It most surely was _not_! What the hell did you deck me for, Edgeworth?!"

"For _defiling my sister_ , you _depraved, deviant scoundrel_! So _take that_!"

 _His_ _ **sister**_ _?!_

The icy package of vegetables fell from his astonished hands, and Phoenix ogled his visitor blankly, desperately wracking his poor, disoriented brain while shuffling through the myriad of trysts he'd partaken in during his seven _year itch_. It was almost the equivalent of being asked to name _every ill-fated passenger_ who'd perished on the _Titanic,_ all _willy-nilly!_

Of course, the fact that _his_ willy had been utilized during a hazy cloud of _despair-fueled dipsomania_ (hence why present recollection was so difficult!) was hardly something he could use as justifiable defense!

Not considering how _homicidal_ the normally unruffled prosecutor still appeared!

"Your lack of reminiscence speaks volumes, you licentious Lothario!" The chess enthusiast muttered darkly, as though reading the guilty-faced gigolo's mind. "It's most fortunate your _former conquest_ isn't present to see how unforgettable she _wasn't!_ I believe she'd want to eat you for breakfast. Or, to put it another way, whip you silly. Literally _and_ metaphorically!"

The unaccounted blackout period during his lamentable bed-hopping phase was indubitably a side-effect of the reluctant Don Juan's even more regrettable bibacious tendencies at the time! Nonetheless, Edgeworth's barbed reminder of said _trademarked weapon of choice_ was exactly what'd been needed to jog the pianist's flawed memory. The inescapable cause of the quondam Demon Prosecutor's ire clearly dawned upon him at last.

 _Jeepers creepers!_ _**No wonder**_ _he's so pissed off at me!_

His sore jaw dropped to his chest as the jarring realization of to _whom_ the legal eagle was referencing abruptly hit him – with the equivalent force of the inevitable iceberg which had sunken that infamously doomed ship!

 _Hot diggity, dagnabbit!_

Veritably, no matter _how_ much of a wino he'd been, his romp with Franziska Von Karma was _definitely_ one for the history books!

 _ **Defile**_ _, he claimed in his heated testimony? Evidently, there's surmised implication that_ _ **I**_ _was the_ _ **first**_ _to have gone where_ _ **no man**_ _hath ever gone before, and was the premier voyager upon his (foster!) kin's "unchartered channel!" Ha! That's a riot! It's like April May literally meaning she was keen on an actual_ _ **cunning linguist**_ _when she said she liked a man with a "big…_ _ **vocabulary**_ _!"_

The whole thing would have been funny as hell, had the prosecutor not seemed so dead serious about Phoenix being irrefutably guilty of deflowering his sibling's allegedly _sacred floral garden_!

 _If that wild mare was hymenally challenged, I'll eat my dang beanie!_ _The whip-happy harpy will forever remain ingrained in my ribald recollections for_ _numerous reasons. But it's probably wise_ _ **not** to_ _make the rebuttal how the **most** memorable thing of all about Franziska Von Karma is my firsthand knowledge of how unforgettably __**well-versed**_ _that wanton vixen was around a_ _ **penis**_ _!_

Phoenix gulped as he took in Edgeworth's tight-lipped, stormy-eyed expression.

 _I'm in quite the conundrum aren't I? Silence about the matter_ _to her fuming_ _pseudo brother,_ _who's hell-bent on defending her honor,_ _will only make things worse. Nevertheless, if I can't prudently point out the_ _ **contradiction**_ _regarding Franziska's lack of immaculacy – lest I get punched out, yet_ _ **again!**_ _– then what_ _ **other angle**_ _can I offer as my defense?!_

"It was all _her_ idea!" He blurted out at last, turning up his palms in helpless surrender. "I wasn't exactly given much of a choice in the matter, for fear of getting _whip-lashed!_ "

"So the onus was _all_ on Franziska? She sought you out _solely_ for the purpose of casual sexual gratification, then _forced_ you to _perform_ , otherwise threatening to skin you alive?!" Edgeworth narrowed his eyes. "Is _that_ what you're trying to claim?"

"Yes! Because it's the honest to goodness _truth_!"

"Do you _really_ think that's supposed to make things any _better_?!"

"Um, kinda…?" Phoenix offered a sickly grin. "At least, I was hoping so?"

"Well it _doesn't_!" Edgeworth snapped peevishly. "My sister is a beautiful, desirable woman… and I find it nigh impossible to believe you were less a _victim,_ and more of a _cajoled,_ if not _fully willing,_ participant! Am I to believe you completely played along out of naught but _fear_?"

"Y-Yes! Up until then, I didn't even know it was _possible_ to get aroused while simultaneously being terrified I'd be whipped into unconsciousness for the _second_ time at her hand!"

"Then why are you stammering like you just flew over a cuckoo's nest!?"

"Because I don't want to be assaulted again! Now then, may I just state, for the record: you are _way_ too involved in the _intimate relations_ of a woman you only claim to see as your sibling, Edgeworth?"

Phoenix's latent courtroom skills had now risen from the ashes.

"Besides, based on what you told me, since Manfred never formally adopted you, that would have made you more his _ward_ than _son_! You called him 'sir' rather 'dad'. Ergo, on top of the fact you two didn't seem overly close, I never saw Franziska as your _sister_ and never thought _you_ did, either! In no way could I have ever dreamed, in a million years, that our one-time indiscretion would ever reach your ears, or that you'd get all worked up and crazy jealous over the whole matter!"

"You have some _nerve,_ Wright!" Edgeworth recoiled sharply at the unexpected refutation. "I-I'm not worked up over _anyone_! A-And I'm _not_ jealous!"

"Well, I didn't knock _myself_ out, _did_ I?" Phoenix countered back, immediately recognizing the textbook signs of _still waters run deep_ within his midst. " _Denial_ is not only a river in Egypt, you know!"

"What?! I am _not_ in denial!" The prosecutor crossed his arms, his cheeks turning the same shade as his trademarked claret suit . "You're an only child, so what would _you_ know about family matters? Franziska was a very respected and renowned prosecuting prodigy when she was in office, and is now an esteemed part of Interpol! She is at the height of her career, which commands a _non-besmirched reputation_ , something which risked becoming _irrevocably tarnished_ because _you_ chose to act like a _concupiscent canine_ …"

 _If that's your withering Poindexter way of reproaching me for being a_ _ **horn-dog**_ _, I'd like to point out it takes_ _ **two**_ _to (horizontal) tango! Be that as it may, if we're talking animal instincts, it was_ _ **Franziska**_ _who was suffering from a case of severe_ _ **cat scratch fever,** buster! **S**_ ** _he_** _jumped_ _ **me**_ _right in the bushes, then yowled like a frisky feline in heat the entire time!_

"…and frolicked with her in _People Park_ , rather than have the decency to spring for more _discreet_ hotel room!"

"I'll try to be gentleman and refrain from sharing the dirty details of _why_ we couldn't make it to hotel in time, you ill-informed, pretentious _prig_!" Phoenix returned the prosecutor's scathing look with one of his own. "Instead, I'm going to address the underlying message I got from all of this, which is more tragic than anything else!"

His annoyance wilted then, and his voice was now laden with disappointment.

"Ultimately, you haven't changed a bit, have you, Edgeworth? I thought you'd evolved beyond such matters, yet years later, all that's really important to you is societal great expectations and career image, even when it comes to _family_? Is this what you seriously would have me believe?"

Phoenix shook his head dolefully at the other man.

"I truly believed that aloof, icy demeanor had thawed at least _somewhat_ , since we were last together. But lo and behold! I don't see you for a few years, and your heart turns to _sherbet_!"

The maladroit tension in the room was at an all-time high as in the next instant, the two men became locked in an unflinching stare down. It seemingly went on for ages, until the slate-haired man finally averted his eyes from the unwavering indigo gaze and shuffled his feet uncomfortably.

"I'd say more like _sorbet_. It _is_ rather cold here." Edgeworth attempted flippancy, but failed miserably. At a loss for what else to say, he then shoved his hands in his pockets and remained silent.

That was when the affable ex-attorney realized his old courtroom rival wasn't even _trying_ to further disprove the damning implications, so he decided it'd be for the better to drop the matter. Even if he _hadn't_ spotted the reflexive wince his harsh accusations had caused the normally stoic prosecutor, he'd always known an acquiescence when he saw one.

Moreover, he knew better than to coerce admissions the other party was uncomfortable revealing, until the right moment had come. The other man's psyche locks that'd sprung up, visible to only his own eyes, was proof such was the case. Phoenix had no desire to shatter any souls while trying to coax out forced confessions. Besides, whatever was going on with Franziska and the prosecutor was really none of his business.

Furthermore, he fervently wished to move past this long-beaten dead horse, and try to rejoice in the event of seeing his childhood chum again after so long.

"I swear on all that is holy – _I'm_ not the man who took your sister's _flower_. I could never be such a despicable rogue with any woman's virtue, _ever_! My dalliance with the wild mare was more of a _fumbling fiasco_ than anything else, and it meant nothing to either one of us!"

The barrister closed his eyes briefly, and appeared to be calming down now, and the former lawyer rushed on, eager to make amends.

"It was only that _one_ time, and for what it's worth, the deed wasn't even _completed_ …"

"Wait, what's this new level of fiendish comportment I'm hearing _now_?!" Edgeworth exploded wrathfully, his eyes snapping open and shooting daggers that Phoenix. "You veraciously claim _not_ to be a despoiler of innocents, yet think being a _remiss rake_ in the boudoir is more condonable?"

"Wh – what's this?" The pianist cringed at the unanticipated death glare he was receiving. "Where is _this_ coming from? _Why_ exactly are you miffed at me _now_?"

"Do you mean to tell me you risked subjecting Franziska to a potentially blemished reputation with your _tawdry public indecency_ , and _then_ to add further insult, you had the audacity to leave her _unsatisfied?_ What kind of failed womanizer _are_ you, Wright?!"

"H-Hey! I'll have you know I am objecting to your baseless conjecture! I have _never_ purposely left a partner … _ungratified_! The incomplete act wasn't my fault!" Phoenix protested haplessly. "We were very rudely disrupted! And _more_ than once!"

" _Coitus interruptus_ in a _public park_! Imagine that!" Sarcasm was positively dripping from Edgeworth's tongue. "Pray tell, exactly _what_ were the extenuating the circumstances which resulted in leaving my sister high and dry, you _selfish, salacious sod_?"

"Well….since you _asked_ …." Phoenix cleared his throat. "Er, at the time, we were both stripped down to our, um, birthday suits, with our clothing strewn about in the bushes nearby…"

His voice trailed off as he saw Edgeworth's jaw clenching.

"Um, I can stop if you want..."

"I _must_ be a masochist for willfully subjecting myself to this!" Edgeworth gritted his teeth. "Go on, Wright."

"First, a potentially rabid raccoon scurried by, took off with my boxers, ran up a tree, and started gnawing on them! But even though it was freezing cold at night, I still thought I would take one for the team and just return home commando…"

"How _incredibly_ generous of you," the attorney derided. "Truly, you should be heralded for your endurance in such trying times!"

"Look, do you want to hear this or not?" Phoenix snapped. "Can you save the editorial commentary for later?"

"Fine, fine." The ruffles-loving man bit back a smirk. "Carry on."

"Then a bald eagle swooped down, grabbed my sweatshirt in its talons, and proceeded to use it as part of its nest in a mighty Sycamore nearby." The pianist was ticking off the events on his fingers. "Right after, a mutt came by and decided to use my jogging pants as his own personal fire hydrant! Don't worry, with _my_ luck, all obtrusive creatures that came by simply sought to make use of _my_ discarded garments. _Franziska's_ items were completely unscathed."

Edgeworth's eyes were nearly bugging out of his head at this point.

"I couldn't make this up if I tried!" Phoenix just shrugged. "The last straw of course, was the loud booming shout of the large, menacing figure with bird's nest eye-brows, wielding a giant cleaver who eventually made us scream, grab our clothes, and high-tail it out of there like a couple of scared rabbits! Small world that it is, he later turned out to be a mafia boss whose son Apollo Justice, my newly acquired employee, successfully defended against a false murder charge recently. The whole Kitaki clan are respectable bakers making legitimate money now… But I digress."

"I - I have no words." This time it was cool, calm and collected Ace Attorney's turn to stumble over his speech. "Although I do have _many_ questions..."

"Well, I'm sorry if this was a traumatic tale to hear, my friend, but I couldn't have you thinking I was lame in the sack! I've already lost my badge, but at least allow me to keep my pride about my other, _lesser known skill_ s, for which I've had _no_ complaints." Phoenix smiled smugly. "I mean, Franziska _obviously_ bears me no grudges, since she was seen handing out _I Love Phoenix Wright_ buttons at a meeting of The _Phoenix Wright Fan Club_ that took place less than two year later, beginning of 2025!"

"Yes, I've heard about your adoring female masses – presumably previously satisfied customers…and I don't mean for your legal services! – who are rooting for you to get your badge back," Edgeworth commented wryly. "My sister of course, has been a member _in absentia_ because it was shortly after that she came overseas to help me with my mission for Interpol."

"Good for her. I'm sure you two have been enjoying working together again."

"Indeed. She's a brilliant woman, and I couldn't ask for a better colleague be by my side when tackling assignments. Franziska and I finally can enjoy one another – er, in a working capacity, that is – now that we finally see each other as equals, not rivals pitted against one another by Manfred." Edgeworth cleared his throat. "All things considered…I _suppose_ …given the circumstances relayed, that I can let bygones be bygones pertaining to you and Franziska, Wright. After all is said and done, you've probably learned a lesson from all this, that mayhap it isn't the best idea to be _au naturel_ when out in _nature_!"

"Yeah, you'd _think_ so, wouldn't you?" The spiky-haired man scratched the back of his neck. "Unfortunately, I'd be _lying_ if I told you that was the _last_ time I risked ah… flashing someone…"

"Surely thou jest?" The attorney goggled at him in disbelief. "You were guilty of being libidinous in public, yet _again_?!"

"Hey! Meekins did not _convict_ either me or Angel at Vitamin Square! He let us off with a warning before he rushed her off to the ER for… _um_ …"

* * *

 _Flashback:  
_ _Vitamin Square_ \- June 29, 2024

Wantonness was winning; he had nearly forgotten where they were. He was just at the edge of glory when suddenly, out of nowhere, Angel released a very loud, _wet_ , sneeze, while _simultaneously_ , she expelled…an even louder _queef_.

At least, Phoenix _hoped_ it was a queef! All he knew was that it sounded as though a million ducks had landed in the area and the unexpected blaring noise emitted seemed to resonate an echo throughout the entire park. Before he could recover though, somehow, at this _exact, precise moment_ , Angel started pulsating and clamping around him, screaming: "Oh yeah, _Steel Samurai_! _Stab_ that _sword_ into your _Pink Princess_ , baby!"

" _Ngh_!"

The shocking mingling sensations made him jerk backwards, bare-assed, with his pants around his ankles, and catapult out of her with the speed of Rocky the flying squirrel from the _Bullwinkle_ cartoon being shot from a canon, while the _harrowing exclamation_ made the flustered Phoenix lose his grip on the condom. It whizzed through the air into the night, and he was so busy watching it become airborne that he forgot to keep a grip on _himself…_ and stream of his essence went sailing like a free fountain.

Right towards the face of Angel Starr.

" _Gah_! _What the shit_ , Phoenix, you just _jizzed_ into my _eye_!" Angel screamed, clapping a hand over the left side of her face.

 _End Flashback_

* * *

Phoenix dropped his gaze, refusing to admit it was his own loosened grip on the condom, and misplaced aim of his released fluids that had been the cause of that catastrophe!

" _Something_ caught in her eye. But I didn't get in the buff – I learned that much from my time at People Park, so the bumbling officer didn't see anything! And yes, _that_ was the last time! At least…last time in a park. But not outdoors, since technically, _Iris_ was on a beach and she …gave me _crabs_ , heh, heh…No not _that_ kind! Just the _hermit_ variety that nearly took a chunk out of my keister because it tried to have my rear end for dinner…I wasn't sitting pretty for a long time after that!"

The stupefied Edgeworth wordlessly sunk down onto the couch like a rag-doll.

"And don't even get me _started_ on the hive of bees that attacked me right afterward!" Phoenix was on a roll now though, and didn't even notice the aghast expression on his friend's visage. "Though poor Iris had it rough too, what with the jellyfish that stung her foot! I am going to skip over what I _had_ to do to ease my then girlfriend's pain…watch that infamous beach episode of _Friends_ with Monica and Chandler sometime! Boy, is she lucky I didn't get stage fright like Joey did! Yeesh, all I can say is that former nun has _kicked the habit_ in more ways than one! She's prim no more – that freaky lady wanted more of … _the cure_ than I was willing to give – _ever again_!"

"Bloody hell! A children's playground?! _Angel_?! _Iris_? Beach?!" Edgeworth couldn't believe his ears , he was so incredulous. "Wright, what in God's name is _wrong_ with you?! Are you _allergic_ to copulating privately indoors, you lecherous libertine?!"

"Oh, Edgeworth. How I admire, yet pity, your innocence." Phoenix groaned, flopping his head back against the sofa cushions. "You think it was all a bed of roses for me when I tried to go the traditional route? Trust me, it's not like I've been spared humiliation whenever I kept my recreational activities indoors! That was the case with all the others!"

The poleaxed legist gawked at this profligate philanderer that used to be his best friend as though he'd been body-snatched by aliens. Surely, Phoenix's disheveled appearance and identity-obscuring beanie was shocking enough, although to not unexpected, given the misfortunate loss of his badge, and subsequent lifestyle changes. However, this unabashed, bawdy behavior he was hearing of sounded like it was about another person entirely! One he no longer recognized or knew - or was certain he even _wanted_ to know!

 _What on earth had happened to the earnest but adorkable champion for justice I'd once known, who couldn't even_ _ **speak**_ _properly around women? He would get all tongue-tied and flustered just being within their presence?! How have things done such a turnabout that Wright's tongue seems to have loosened itself over the years…and_ _ **gotten**_ _ **tied**_ _in more places – and ways – than one?!_

" _All_ …the _others_?" Edgeworth at last choked out in a strangled voice. "For the love of the saints! Whatever is _that_ supposed to mean?"

"That time with Dee was _theoretically_ in the privacy of her home," Phoenix recalled absently, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "I mean, nothing sleazy about my time with _her_ …that woman is _class_ all the way! That pile of bricks she's got up in Beverly Hills would rival the posh Gatewater Hotel! Granting, I _imagine_ some _prudish_ sorts would consider our rendezvous at The Empire Bellagio to be…semi-public? I mean, it _was_ before dawn, so I'd disagree with them entirely..."

"The Empire Bellagio…in _Beverly Hills?!"_ Edgeworth drew back in horror. "Dear Lord, that's _directly_ across the street from Pegasus Somset Condominiums, where _I_ live! Ngh! It's bad enough that I happen to be personally acquainted with _three_ – no, wait _four_! – of these notches on your bed post!"

 _Four that he is_ _ **aware**_ _of,_ _ **thus**_ _far!_ Phoenix added silently, debating about whether or not to continue now. _I wonder how he would handle the news that the number of my partners Edgeworth happens to know may be a_ _ **wee**_ _bit higher than he thinks…_

"Please tell me _why_ must I be continually subjected to your debauched acts of shameless depravity, even hypothetically, Wright?"

"I've never had the privilege of ever being invited to your place, so how could I have known we were in _your_ upscale neck of the woods?" Phoenix retorted defensively, growing sick of being at the receiving end of that accusing pointer finger by now. "Had I thought you were _home_ , I suppose I could have _waved_ from the penthouse balcony!"

"The _balcony_?!" The cravat-wearer was aghast. "Do you mean to tell me your _iniquitous carnal exhibitionist_ … hanky-panky was committed on the top-floor _glass_ balcony?! The very same one of which affords me _prime view_ from my penthouse living room windows?!"

" _Oops_?" A sheepish grin from the Casanova card shark, who at least had the decency to blush this time. "Guess it's a good thing you were overseas, huh?"

 _Indubitably, this would be conclusive proof there_ _ **is**_ _a God!_ Edgeworth barely resisted the urge to face palm. _Gah! What was that blasted man thinking? Or...Rather,_ _ **not**_ _thinking? At least, not with the_ _ **head above his shoulders**_! _Imagine if I_ _ **hadn't**_ _been abroad, and was actually_ _ **home**_ _that night? Worse, what if I'd been holding some sort of a business meeting at my residence…_ _and had_ _ **company**_ _over, such as Gumshoe or Franziska?_

In his mind's eye, he could envision the traumatizing scenario on his unsuspecting group all too clearly, had they all been subjected to the sordid shenanigans taking place in a nearby penthouse none too far away….

* * *

 _ **Edgeworth's Envisioned Harrowing Scenario Take 1:**  
Pegasus Somset Condominiums – Spring 2026_

" _I am most appreciative of this sublime tea, Miles Edgeworth," Franziska praised grudgingly as she held the exquisite gold-rimmed cup to her lips. "I must remember to purchase this_ _ **Singapore Yellow Gold Tea Buds**_ _blend for my own consumption. Scruffy, do remind me about this next time we are at the office, lest you taste my whip if you let me forget."_

" _I swear to you I'll remember sir." Gumshoe gingerly held the delicate china handle in his ham-sized hand, as though fearful he'd break it, as the prosecutor's tea set it was part of costed more than a month of his salary. "It's kind of hard to forget tea that costs $200 a cup!"_

" _I just did an online search on my cell. Dayum! All I can say is that's pretty dang steep – and I'm not talking flavor! – for tea which isn't even made from flakes of gold!" Kay whistled disbelievingly as she glanced up from the online search of the brand on her cell. "Sum Ting Wong indeed!"_

 _The eternal funster snickered at the baleful expression she garnered from the livid logic genius._

" _Hail to China's Lao Zi, overpriced beverage industry, exclusively catering to all the rich Dum Ga_ _i_ _who like drinking tea leaves made of_ _ **panda bear flung dung!"**_

 _She was rewarded with a baleful glare for such unforgivable mockery by the tea aficionado._

" _Objection!" Edgeworth pointed a reproving index at the ninja. "I demand you can your antics this instant, you impertinent… heathen!"_

" _Wai U Shao Ting?" Kay deadpanned, not at all daunted by the flaring nostrils._

" _Because you are obviously as much of a …_ _ **Philistine**_ _about the finer things in life_ _as Detective Gumshoe!" He seethed. "I am absolutely appalled at your lack of appreciation for this exquisite libation! This rare blend is_ _heralded and coveted by connoisseurs worldwide, Kay Faraday!"_

* * *

Edgeworth halted his imagined scenario, then shuddered as he imagined just how much _worse_ things could have been had the unassuming, _untainted_ Yatagarasu been present for the X-rated spectacle on the former producer's balcony!

 _Kay! Uurrngh! Perish the thought!_

The barrister could not even _fathom_ the horror of subjecting his erstwhile assistant's innocent eyes to such _lewd vulgarities_! He wasn't delusional – he was fully aware Agent Faraday was no longer an adolescent, and now a grown woman. However, to _him_ , the former Great Thief would forever remain that plucky, yet _virtuous_ teenager whose innocuous orbs should be relinquished from such scandalous sightings! He could just envision how it all would have transpired…

* * *

 _ **Edgeworth's Hypothetical Live Horror Picture Show Take 2:**  
Pegasus Somerset Condominiums – Spring 2026_

" _Mr. Edgeworth, I_ _am so excited_ _to demonstrate my latest developments for Little Thief?" The Interpol Agent burbled excitedly as she whipped out her crime scene simulation device. "Have you had a chance to fill in Ms. Von Karma and Gummy on the fact that I've perfected the mechanisms, so I can now project holographic images of everything that moves within a one kilometer radius?"_

 _Edgeworth cleared his throat, his earlier annoyance about the scatological scoffing of his prized tea being replaced by a twinge of guilt, given that the young woman was bubblier than a bottle of Cristal champagne about showing off her newest gadget updates._

" _My apologies for being remiss, Kay. I'd forgotten all it, but since we're all here together now, now is as good a time as any for the unveiling._

" _No worries, Mr. Edgeworth! Guys, prepare yourselves for the invention of the century!"_

" _Hold on a second, guys," Gumshoe interrupted suddenly. "I think I just saw something strange moving in the shadows of that other glass-enclosed penthouse across the street… My police instincts are telling me that something is completely off!"_

" _I trust you, Gummy!" Kay beamed, flipping the switch on Little Thief. "In fact, I'll even indulge that inexplicable cop gut instinct and show you guys just how nifty this contraption can be for times like this, when suspicious activity is afoot."_

" _Let's not be too hasty!" Edgeworth interjected. "Don't you think it'd be most imprudent to be digging into private affairs of strangers, without any true merit?"_

" _Fair enough argument. I am going to side with Miles in this matter," Franziska agreed. "Mostly because_ _ **he**_ _is the lesser of the two fools in this case, and I trust the Scruffy Detective so-called_ _ **crime instincts**_ _as far as I can throw him!"_

" _Hey!" Gumshoe yelped in protest, only to be immediately silenced by the German's whip._

" _Silence, fool! While it is probably just somebody watering the plants in that penthouse, there is still a less obtrusive way to know for certain," the silver haired woman ventured. "Perhaps we can err on the side of caution and simply project the images from across the road onto Kay's device."_

" _With all the_ _ **sound included**_ _!" Kay chirped, adjusting a small knob on the side of the contraption. "The projection will show up as if we were_ _ **all**_ _in the very same room!"_

" _That's all it takes to make me hard." A_ _ **strangely recognizable**_ _male tone flooded Edgeworth's living room just then, in what could only be described as a lusty growl. "You: saying my name."_

" _What the deuce?!" Edgeworth gasped, too horrified to even care notice Gumshoe's spit-take on his tea. "Nnngrrrrk! That's_ _ **Wright's**_ _cadence we're hearing!"_

" _Are you positively_ _ **sure**_ _it's your_ _ **buddy's**_ _heat seeking moisture missile on apt display here?" The incredulous Kay could barely move her lips, as her mouth was hanging open in shock. "I mean, it's not like you've ever heard your pal's voice during the throes of passion before …"_

" _Trust me!" Edgeworth grated out. "I'd know that voice – and those_ _ **tell-tale spikes**_ _– anywhere!"_

 _Just then, as if to punctuate his point, the ex-attorney's lover moaned loudly, her obviously uncovered breasts bouncing freely with every undulating movement._

 _ **"Phoenix, please!"**_

" _Great googly moogly!" Kay gaped at the entwined shadowy images writhing before them. "Seems like I've really created a monster by tweaking my handy little invention, huh?!"_

" _Mein Gott! That_ _ **is**_ _Phoenix Wright! It is unbelievable that foolish pervert you insist on calling a friend is the one subjecting us to this grotesque exhibitionism, Miles?" Franziska curled her lip in disdain. "How_ _ **dare**_ _he? Has he no shame?!"_

 _Without warning, Edgeworth reflexively clapped his hand over Franziska's eyes, while simultaneously cursing the fact that Kay was seated too far away for him to shield_ _ **her**_ _stupefied gaze as well!_

" _My deepest regrets for treating you like a child, Franziska!" The prosecutor rasped. "But understand that I cannot continue to allow you witnessing such..._ _ **atrocity!**_ _"_

" _Sweet Sassy Molassy!" Kay hooted, raising a gloved hand to her lips to smother her guffaws. "That rocket launch has reached full throttle – they're going at it like a couple of wild jackrabbits! My childhood pet bunnies would have gawked at Mr. Wright in_ _ **amazement!"**_

" _That's enough of that!" The burly flatfoot swiftly covered the raven-haired girl's saucer sized orbs with his napkin before she could say another word. "I don't care if you're all grown up now and no longer the kid I once knew! And I don't wanna hear whether or not it's_ _ **anything you've seen before!**_ _This shizz ain't meant for_ _ **your**_ _eyes pal!"_

" _City of_ _ **Angels**_ _, my sweet patootie!" Kay's rambunctious tittering was muffled by the linen cloth covering her visage. "LA just keeps getting worse and worse, every day…"_

 _ **TO BE CONTINUED…**_

 _A/N:_ _I cut this one up due to length - after all this isn't Turnabout Everlasting! (which is next on the roster for anyone who's reading it)  
Miles's ever-mounting trauma by his best friend's man-whore tendencies (and a certain perma-damsel in distress!) will be continued next chapter (which will be later this month!)_

* * *

 _Quick shout out of thanks and replies to the following amazeballs readers/reviewers including PM's! Everyone else…thanks so much for reading!_

 **Chapter 26**

 **AA Fan Guest**

Thank you so much for giving this story a shot since it is so different from _Turnabout Everlasting_ dear guest… But the wait is over as a certain long-awaited titian haired lass made her grand debut with my latest chapter 180! Not so much a Greek God duet in _this_ story, but in TE, _will_ it end up being a JusticeCykes story? Hmmm…well…Apollo _did_ mention in his breakout chapter a little while back that he _does_ have a soft spot for redheads… ;)

I'm happy you liked the angle of finding out that what made Phoenix be knocked out and therefore be _knocked off_ of being mentioned for the last few chapters was the fist of fury from his best friend who's just become privy to his gigolo shenanigans… Hence the cover for the story! XD

Don't worry even though I can't update as often as I would like to because of life… One of my biggest pet peeves is dropped stories something I will never be guilty of I just hope that I still have readers by the time the stories get finished this one is now two years old although I do hope to have it wrapped up in a couple of chapters come early new year! It's funny how it's my most controversial story yet my second most reviewed? Go figure eh? I won't lie… it certainly gives a girl the encouragement she sometimes needs to pick up the pen! :)

 **PeoplepersonsofDooM**

It really means a lot to me when people say that they are actually _touched_ by this story which originally came across as a silly comedy of sexual errors/PWP instead of joking about how certain scenes makes them _want to touch_ …well never mind that! XD

The point is even when I'm writing sexy times (as most of my readers who are reading _Turnabout Everlasting_ know, and as _you_ know from having read _One Night in Bangkok_!) I am such a diehard romantic that I can't help but show a little bit of love and tenderness in between the bump and grind - my trademark fluff if you will and in this case my renowned hero/heroine angst!

Phoenix definitely got told by Edgeworth in this chapter though… In more ways than one! LOL

Thanks so much for reading funny girl I'm looking forward to your next installment!

 **Forgreatcoffee**

" _This chapter was equal parts heart breaking and hilarious."_

Thanks, I try! It was the punny names, wasn't it? :p

It's funny - the two emotions you never think would be coming from the same piece of work I apparently managed to do last chapter alone with my comedy tragedy as we finally get to the roots of what made Nick become a man whore and where the hell Maya has been all this time when he hit rock bottom. And what else could ever keep the ever loyal spirit medium from her favorite lawyer other than a woman who is _Disney evil?_

I'm getting a kick out of the nicknames my villains tend to get for my readers you refer to Violet Manteau as _Mystic Mauve_ and what are my other readers called the wretched one _Vomit_! Most definitely the stench of her heinousness made poor Detective Badd want to do just that? Or maybe it was just the bone chilling voice? Think of how harrowing it'd have to be to get that big badass with the hidden heart of gold shaking in his boots! How I love him so!

Phoenix did managed to avoid being decked yet again by his best friend… But he had to do some fast talking to get himself out of that corner! Also Miles's forever in his debt for thwarting away the attentions of his geriatric stalker! Who knows – she may have somehow gotten waft that her Edgey-Poo is back in town, so he better watch his step!

 **Joeclone**

Better late than never right? Even if it took seven years to crack Maya's genius Acrostic code – never fear because Detective Badd is here!

Miles has been through just as much crap if not more than Phoenix himself in his life so I really think if driven to it he could pack a good punch… Fortunately the object of his _"Suplex Samurai: Wandering Warrior of the Bare Hands!"_ move is the unbreakable Wolverine incarnate himself! Poor Nick! He had to relive the shame of the last seven years all over again as he recounted his tales of woe to his best friend… Whose response is to cryptically announce that he's taking him on "a little trip?" Oh dear, will he make Phoenix walk the plank for the sin of _plundering the booty_ of his "sister?" :p

 **CzarThwomp**

Phoenix narrowly dodged being further beaten by Miles Edgeworth's fists of fury – just barely! –ergo, Pearl the noble Phaya Forever Shipper can refrain from sacrificing herself this round, and keep her virtue/original form to be with Luke Triton, whom I will forever ship her with, but found it nigh impossible to sneak him into this story!

Yup, the Disney evil villainess tradition continues! In this case _"mirror, mirror on the wall who is the most heinous one of all?"_ Personally have tried very hard to make it seem as though _Vomit_ makes Latrine look like a Girl Scout – even though both of them were led by greed MO and had matching conniving, cantankerous levels of _bitchcraft!_

Also I know _Poltergeist_ is an ancient movie but surely it's a classic – am so glad you caught and understood the reference! The spirit medium Tangina's reedy, bone chilling voice in the film seemed so fitting to base the voice of Violet upon! You have to think about just how _Badd_ it would have to be to make a man who has survived bullet holes in both his trench coat _and_ tie eagerly want to jump in headfirst into the first available closet portal if given the opportunity! Should Violet try to be his Bond girl – forget a demonic extra dimension realm – he'd just throw himself off Dusky Bridge! XD


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